please check out my novel

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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Lol, tell me one reason why I should read such a story?
 

Zoey

Mustachu
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Oct 21, 2019
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Assurbanipal is being rude but your synopsis sucks and tells me nothing about the story which is an immediate turn off.
Edit 3: it's funny that I point out Assurbanipal being rude, then go about being rude myself.
I'd say fix your synopsis so it tells me what the story is about, then I'll consider reading it.

The synopsis said:
IT'S A BASED ON A GIRL TRYING TO FIND WAYS TO GET HER DEAD BOYFRIEND BACK..!
this is what the synopsis makes me think.
the main character is most likely female.
the main character is crazy or does necromancy.
the all capitals confuses me.
is the story based on a real life event? because it says based on a girl instead of about a girl.

Edit: I looked at the first chapter and that is not how you use commas.
Edit 2: I skimmed through the first three chapters. It's shit. Assubanipal wasn't being rude, no he was smart. This story makes you sound like a creep and I regret reading it, not as much as I regret reading that story were the author tries to justify rape but I still regret it.
 
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Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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Assurbanipal is being rude but your synopsis sucks and tells me nothing about the story which is an immediate turn off.

I'd say fix your synopsis so it tells me what the story is about, then I'll consider reading it.


this is what the synopsis makes me think.
the main character is most likely female.
the main character is crazy or does necromancy.
the all capitals confuses me.
is the story based on a real life event? because it says based on a girl instead of about a girl.

Edit: I looked at the first chapter and that is not how you use commas.

Well, it was more that judging by the synopis and tags, I suspected that this would some kind of BDSM bondage session with leather and whip.

Love is black, baby! Seriously, what should I expect otherwise? :blob_evil_two:
 

Zoey

Mustachu
Joined
Oct 21, 2019
Messages
133
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Well, it was more that judging by the synopis and tags, I suspected that this would some kind of BDSM bondage session with leather and whip.

Love is black, baby! Seriously, what should I expect otherwise? :blob_evil_two:
No your the smart one here I regret reading three chapters. :sweating_profusely:

I will remember your wisdom.
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
Joined
Jul 27, 2019
Messages
1,921
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No your the smart one here I regret reading three chapters. :sweating_profusely:

I will remember your wisdom.

You are the smartest Pikachu I have ever seen. :blob_reach:

Here, take a free light ball for your courage.🏵
 

FantasyDeath

Active member
Joined
May 13, 2019
Messages
9
Points
43
What... is... up... with the paragraphs? I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, they're just such a mess I didn't even try to read it. Just, maybe go and binge-read a bunch of novels in English for a couple of months and then try again? The best way to improve your writing is to simply read a lot. Also, you mess around with the caps a lot and it's discouraging.
 

LostinMovement

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2019
Messages
145
Points
83
I hope you won't be discouraged by what I might say but you asked for feedback so here is it. Firstly, the punctuation. It's too messy. Try to clean it up. Secondly, the chapters are too short in my personal opinion which results in the writing being lacking in terms of details and characterization. You should write a bit more. Lastly, the structure of the paragraphs/dialogues. That needs some work. Also, the spelling, there are some little issues with it here and there.
Best of luck writing the rest :)
 
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