Please give feedback on my novel chapter

[Enchant]

I'm just new here and I want some of you're guys opinion or feedback on my novel chapter 1-5.

My novel have at least 60 readers but the only feedback I'm getting is 'thank you for the chapter' that is why I'm asking for feedback or opinion in forum.

It's fine if you don't want to do it, I'm not forcing anyone.

But I'm already saying this to those people that will give me feedback or they opinion thanks a lot.

I was reincarnated in another world to protect what I was unable to do as a brother.

Synopsis This is a story about a brother that was reincarnated in another world to protect his little sister in the shadows. Leon was a simple high school student that loves his little sister so much but his little sister treats him badly everything changes when his little sister was...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Ai-chan]

Ai-chan just want to get this out of the way first. Ai-chan is not trying to put your down or anything. Ai-chan gains nothing from doing something like that.

That being said, Ai-chan has to inform you that they are being nice to you by not saying anything. Had this been in Royalroad, you'd have ended up quitting writing. People here is of the opinion that "If you can't say anything nice, don't say it."

So Ai-chan's suggestion is to go through what you wrote yourself and fix stuff to the point that people are comfortable in giving you feedback. As of now, they can't say anything that doesn't sound dismissive because there are a lot of things that need to be fixed. They don't want you to quit writing, so they are being nice by not saying anything, for fear that you would take it personal or badly.

But let's throw you a bone. Remove all the "Dialogue" (speaker) things. That's what you put in first draft, to help you write fast. It's not something you show to people. Get rid of those first, then we can continue with other issues.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

I'm just new here and I want some of you're guys opinion or feedback on my novel chapter 1-5.

My novel have at least 60 readers but the only feedback I'm getting is 'thank you for the chapter' that is why I'm asking for feedback or opinion in forum.

It's fine if you don't want to do it, I'm not forcing anyone.

But I'm already saying this to those people that will give me feedback or they opinion thanks a lot.

I was reincarnated in another world to protect what I was unable to do as a brother.

Synopsis This is a story about a brother that was reincarnated in another world to protect his little sister in the shadows. Leon was a simple high school student that loves his little sister so much but his little sister treats him badly everything changes when his little sister was...

www.scribblehub.com

It is as Ai-chan said.
If you want active feedback, post your story on royalroad then wait to be demolished.

 

[TheDerpieGod]

Ai-chan just want to get this out of the way first. Ai-chan is not trying to put your down or anything. Ai-chan gains nothing from doing something like that.

That being said, Ai-chan has to inform you that they are being nice to you by not saying anything. Had this been in Royalroad, you'd have ended up quitting writing. People here is of the opinion that "If you can't say anything nice, don't say it."

So Ai-chan's suggestion is to go through what you wrote yourself and fix stuff to the point that people are comfortable in giving you feedback. As of now, they can't say anything that doesn't sound dismissive because there are a lot of things that need to be fixed. They don't want you to quit writing, so they are being nice by not saying anything, for fear that you would take it personal or badly.

But let's throw you a bone. Remove all the "Dialogue" (speaker) things. That's what you put in first draft, to help you write fast. It's not something you show to people. Get rid of those first, then we can continue with other issues.

Well, now. I wanna post on Royalroad now. Finna sign up now.

 

[TheDerpieGod]

I'm just new here and I want some of you're guys opinion or feedback on my novel chapter 1-5.

My novel have at least 60 readers but the only feedback I'm getting is 'thank you for the chapter' that is why I'm asking for feedback or opinion in forum.

It's fine if you don't want to do it, I'm not forcing anyone.

But I'm already saying this to those people that will give me feedback or they opinion thanks a lot.

I was reincarnated in another world to protect what I was unable to do as a brother.

Synopsis This is a story about a brother that was reincarnated in another world to protect his little sister in the shadows. Leon was a simple high school student that loves his little sister so much but his little sister treats him badly everything changes when his little sister was...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm not really in the position to give true advice because I'm a bit of a newbie myself. But I do think I have good descriptions and I guess I have fine story pictures? (I can't draw to save my life, so I have to find it all on google lol) I would shorten that title and descrip, fix that story image as all of those factors really don't make a story appealing (at least to me) Make sure to leave the descrip a little vague as it draws interest, make sure it makes sense though. (I like more in-depth descrip on comedy stories, idk) take all this with a grain of salt.

 

[Ai-chan]

To be clear, when Ai-chan suggested getting rid of "Dialogue" (speaker), Ai-chan didn't mean literally delete it. Ai-chan meant to write it following the common standard.

That is, changing the
"Dialogue" (speaker)
into
"Dialogue," speaker said as he rubbed the sweat from his forehead.

You were copying the style of translations of Japanese webnovels. This is not how Japanese webnovels are written. This was entirely the shenanigans of machine translators as they did not know enough Japanese to create a proper translation. Actual Japanese light novels are written in the standard system similar to what you would see in western books with very small differences.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Synopsis
This is a story about a brother that was reincarnated in another world to protect his little sister in the shadows.
Leon was a simple high school student that loves his little sister so much but his little sister treats him badly everything changes when his little sister was summoned to another world with her friends and they became the heroes of that world.

While that happened Leon waste his remaining life span on earth searching for his little sister and when he died, he was given another chance by a goddess to live his life peacefully in another world where his long search for his sister ends and he was able to reunite but he decided to stay in the shadow as a mob character while protecting her.

Okay...

Lets start with the sentence structure.
"so much but his" - No comma
"him badly everything changes" - No period. New sentence starting with Everything.

Would you like me to point out this is your Synopsis? The front page? What you are writing to get me to go, "Okay, I will spend some of my valuable and limited amount of time reading this." You are asking me to spend TIME on your story. You might not be charging money, but reading your story ain't free. You have already written something, on your front page, that is jumping out at me like nails on a chalkboard.

Okay, tell you what, I will review your story. But you have to do something for me first.

TAKE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WRITTEN.
PUT IT IN A TEXT TO SPEACH PROGRAM.
LISTEN TO IT AND FIX WHATEVER YOU HEAR THAT SOUNDS BAD.

Text edit is what I use on my apple. I suspect there are other programs you can use.

AFTER YOU HAVE DONE THAT...
Send me a DM and I'll look it over.
If you want me to review just the first 5 chapters, then listen to the first 5 chapters. If just the first, then you only need to listen to the first, but if you cannot stomach listening to the computer reading your story to you, EXACTLY as written, how do you expect ME to read it?

 

[Enchant]

Okay...

Lets start with the sentence structure.
"so much but his" - No comma
"him badly everything changes" - No period. New sentence starting with Everything.

Would you like me to point out this is your Synopsis? The front page? What you are writing to get me to go, "Okay, I will spend some of my valuable and limited amount of time reading this." You are asking me to spend TIME on your story. You might not be charging money, but reading your story ain't free. You have already written something, on your front page, that is jumping out at me like nails on a chalkboard.

Okay, tell you what, I will review your story. But you have to do something for me first.

TAKE EVERYTHING YOU HAVE WRITTEN.
PUT IT IN A TEXT TO SPEACH PROGRAM.
LISTEN TO IT AND FIX WHATEVER YOU HEAR THAT SOUNDS BAD.

Text edit is what I use on my apple. I suspect there are other programs you can use.

AFTER YOU HAVE DONE THAT...
Send me a DM and I'll look it over.
If you want me to review just the first 5 chapters, then listen to the first 5 chapters. If just the first, then you only need to listen to the first, but if you cannot stomach listening to the computer reading your story to you, EXACTLY as written, how do you expect ME to read it?

Thank for the reply

 

[trinitys_gadget]

Okay.

First, fix your synopsis. Your story's premise is interesting, but the poorly written synopsis will scare away a lot of would be readers.

Second, use gendered pronouns correctly. When you are refering to a boy, use, "he".

Third, learn to use commas.

Fourth, write in complete sentances. English uses infix notation and each sentence should have, in order, a subject (which acts), a verb (which the subject does), and, optionally, an object (upon which the subject acts). Use the active voice unless you have a Reason to do otherwise.

Fifth, predicate your pronouns. Pronouns are like variables and you should define them (okay, they're more like implicit variables in perl, but still, don't be reckless with $_).

Sixth, capitalize names.

Seventh, after you write a chapter, wait 48 hours, then reread your chapter prior to posting. You should be able to catch and fix most of your gibberish that way (and there is copious gibberish).

Eighth, stop reading poorly written webnovels and crappy LN translations. Read some published, hardcopy books so you can see and learn how English should be written.