Please give me a feedback on my prologue

Angle-Knight

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Nov 9, 2021
Messages
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I need a feedback for the prologue that I just updated, before this update it was just a 24 word sentence of MC saying about killing the goddess as I purely half-assed it.
My story:HOW TO KILL A GODDESS OF ANOTHER 'EARTH'
how to kill a goddess of another 'earth'.jpg
 

Ai-chan

Queen of Yuri Devourer of Traps
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Dec 23, 2018
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It's just a prologue, right? Can you post it here? Ai-chan is on mobile. Switching back and forth between different pages is kind of a pain in the ass. You will find that posting the stuff you want to get feedback on in the forum will make it more likely for people to say something about it as the stuff that needs to be reviewed is in the same page.
 

Quaoar

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Nov 14, 2020
Messages
51
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You need to calm those paragraph spaces down. Sure, it’s poem-style writing, but those sentences should be written in the same line to smoothen the flow. But you still have to balance short and long sentences, so you did a good job in some of the likes like:
I, Itsuki Ren, am desperately walking to survive…

To live.

To escape this dungeon.

And after that, I’ll kill the bitch that summoned us in this world and then threw me and this girl, in this shit hole.​

If you want to see how it looks like with normal spacing between each paragraph, it looks like this (I tweaked some things a bit):
In a dim and dark dungeon, two humans trudge along the rough path.​
One is a boy and the other a girl of the same age, walking on a narrow path.​
They don’t know where they’re going.​
But they hope to escape this hellish place where any beast can come for their life at any moment.​
The constant fear of getting attacked makes them look behind every so often.​
Hunger and thirst never leave their dry and hoarse throats.​
They do have a little food and a few gulps of water left with them, but they are saving it for later as they don’t know when they could leave this place.​
The dungeon has gem-like stones on its walls that emit a faint light of various colors.​
It’s not that bright, but at least enough to see the way ahead and make each other face in this dark and damp dungeon.​
The putrid and damp smell makes them scrunch their noses to block the smell from entering.​
Their minds stray to constant terrible thoughts and constant thoughts of worst-case scenarios. Sometimes even suicidal thoughts enter their minds as the easy way out of their suffering, but a burning rage suppresses it back in the depths of their minds.​
That rage is directed towards a woman. A goddess, to be exact.​
Yes, they aren’t some foolish adventures that lost their way in this dungeon, but they were forcefully sent here as a way to kill them without making the hands of the Goddess dirty.​
They didn’t do anything neither to the Goddess nor any people of this world.​
Did they do something to the Goddess or any people of this world?​
How could they do something to any of them when they didn’t even exist in this world a couple of days ago?​
Yes.​
Yes, they were summoned from another world along with their whole class.​
They were forced to part away from their peaceful lives in their original world.​
They were forced to part from their families and when they arrived in this world and when judged to be useless, they were forced to die and repent for being weak.​
That boy.​
That boy is me.​
I, Itsuki Ren, am desperately walking to survive…​
To live.​
To escape this dungeon.​
And after that, I’ll kill the bitch that summoned us in this world and then threw me and this girl, in this shit hole.​
But… I have no insane physical ability.​
No extraordinary magical prowess, nor any legendary sword that can cut through anything.​
I have a shit growth rate, and even if I level up hundreds of times, I won’t be a match to a level 2 S-Ranker.​
I only have one skill that was given…no, that I scavenged from the leftover power of other Heroes that were summoned along with me. At least something along that line was told to me by that fucking Goddess.​
She was telling the truth because since coming here, I really did level up more than a few hundred levels, but my physical stats still won’t be a match for them. My skill level has increased by two, such measly growth even after leveling up so much.​
But still, I will use everything I can to survive this place.​
If I can’t run, I will walk.​
If I can’t walk, I will crawl.​
If I can’t crawl, I will tremble.​
If I can’t even shiver then at least I will glare.​
I won’t stop.​
I won’t stop until I can kill that Bitch.​
But.​
But, how…​

And for the story, it’s a good start. Also, you need to decide which tense to use: present tense or past tense, then stick with it. I see that you’re mostly using the present tense, so omit past tense for the most part. Tense consistency is important.

For instance:
The man on his left nudged Aslan to remind him of something. Aslan immediately realizes what he’s trying to remind him of and glares at him for not reminding him sooner as the Goddess had already told them to leave.​

It should be:
The man on his left nudges Aslan to remind him of something. Aslan immediately realizes what he’s trying to remind him of and glares at him for not reminding him sooner as the Goddess has already told them to leave.​
The Goddess is now alone in her chamber. She looked at the door, locks it, and lies down on the sofa beside her desk after taking out a slim contraption from the cupboard.​

It should be:
The Goddess is now alone in her chamber. She looks at the door, locks it, and lies down on the sofa beside her desk after taking out a slim contraption from the cupboard.​

But if you wish to use the past tense, then you can say it like this:
The man on his left nudged Aslan to remind him of something. Aslan immediately realized what he was trying to remind him of and glared at him for not reminding him sooner as the Goddess had already told them to leave.​
The Goddess was now alone in her chamber. She looked at the door, locked it, and lay down on the sofa beside her desk after taking out a slim contraption from the cupboard.​
 

Angle-Knight

New member
Joined
Nov 9, 2021
Messages
27
Points
3
You need to calm those paragraph spaces down. Sure, it’s poem-style writing, but those sentences should be written in the same line to smoothen the flow. But you still have to balance short and long sentences, so you did a good job in some of the likes like:



If you want to see how it looks like with normal spacing between each paragraph, it looks like this (I tweaked some things a bit):
In a dim and dark dungeon, two humans trudge along the rough path.​


One is a boy and the other a girl of the same age, walking on a narrow path.​


They don’t know where they’re going.​


But they hope to escape this hellish place where any beast can come for their life at any moment.​


The constant fear of getting attacked makes them look behind every so often.​


Hunger and thirst never leave their dry and hoarse throats.​


They do have a little food and a few gulps of water left with them, but they are saving it for later as they don’t know when they could leave this place.​


The dungeon has gem-like stones on its walls that emit a faint light of various colors.​


It’s not that bright, but at least enough to see the way ahead and make each other face in this dark and damp dungeon.​


The putrid and damp smell makes them scrunch their noses to block the smell from entering.​


Their minds stray to constant terrible thoughts and constant thoughts of worst-case scenarios. Sometimes even suicidal thoughts enter their minds as the easy way out of their suffering, but a burning rage suppresses it back in the depths of their minds.​


That rage is directed towards a woman. A goddess, to be exact.​


Yes, they aren’t some foolish adventures that lost their way in this dungeon, but they were forcefully sent here as a way to kill them without making the hands of the Goddess dirty.​


They didn’t do anything neither to the Goddess nor any people of this world.​


Did they do something to the Goddess or any people of this world?​


How could they do something to any of them when they didn’t even exist in this world a couple of days ago?​


Yes.​


Yes, they were summoned from another world along with their whole class.​


They were forced to part away from their peaceful lives in their original world.​


They were forced to part from their families and when they arrived in this world and when judged to be useless, they were forced to die and repent for being weak.​


That boy.​


That boy is me.​


I, Itsuki Ren, am desperately walking to survive…​


To live.​


To escape this dungeon.​


And after that, I’ll kill the bitch that summoned us in this world and then threw me and this girl, in this shit hole.​


But… I have no insane physical ability.​


No extraordinary magical prowess, nor any legendary sword that can cut through anything.​


I have a shit growth rate, and even if I level up hundreds of times, I won’t be a match to a level 2 S-Ranker.​


I only have one skill that was given…no, that I scavenged from the leftover power of other Heroes that were summoned along with me. At least something along that line was told to me by that fucking Goddess.​


She was telling the truth because since coming here, I really did level up more than a few hundred levels, but my physical stats still won’t be a match for them. My skill level has increased by two, such measly growth even after leveling up so much.​


But still, I will use everything I can to survive this place.​


If I can’t run, I will walk.​


If I can’t walk, I will crawl.​


If I can’t crawl, I will tremble.​


If I can’t even shiver then at least I will glare.​


I won’t stop.​


I won’t stop until I can kill that Bitch.​


But.​


But, how…


And for the story, it’s a good start. Also, you need to decide which tense to use: present tense or past tense, then stick with it. I see that you’re mostly using the present tense, so omit past tense for the most part. Tense consistency is important.

For instance:



It should be:
The man on his left nudges Aslan to remind him of something. Aslan immediately realizes what he’s trying to remind him of and glares at him for not reminding him sooner as the Goddess has already told them to leave.




It should be:
The Goddess is now alone in her chamber. She looks at the door, locks it, and lies down on the sofa beside her desk after taking out a slim contraption from the cupboard.


But if you wish to use the past tense, then you can say it like this:
The man on his left nudged Aslan to remind him of something. Aslan immediately realized what he was trying to remind him of and glared at him for not reminding him sooner as the Goddess had already told them to leave.​


The Goddess was now alone in her chamber. She looked at the door, locked it, and lay down on the sofa beside her desk after taking out a slim contraption from the cupboard.​
Thank you very much:blob_blank:
 
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