I usually don't do these kinds of requests, but decided to just take a swing at it today. I just took a quick 2 minute skim over your 1st chapter. Saw several problems even at that light glance-over. Didn't really look deep enough to actually understand what was going on, but from what I saw I think that some of the fault can lie with the writing on this subject as well because the writing technique you were employing was doing a rather bad job of getting information across.
Alright, I will start off.
What is this line even doing here?" It is not followed up on or referenced in any way. Maybe it was an attempt to set the character's personality, but you have later lines doing just fine for that so it's unnecessary. Best I can tell, maybe you might have been trying to say something shocking to draw in the reader? Well, it actually has the exact opposite effect. With how transparent it is with that effort, it actually forces me to become conscious of the author using literary techniques, which breaks immersion and is alienating to the reader.
The writing would be better if you just straight up deleted this line and left it with the introduction of the MC. The introduction would make the pace feel a little more mellow, and thus make the bout of cursing that immediately follows more impactful.
Speaking of the cursing, you re-use the term "hell" too much, and you also begin paragraphs with a curse too often. That repetition of the same technique, once again, makes me conscious of the writer and breaks immersion.
Another problem is the way you are using these bouts of cursing to break up your exposition. Your whole chapter, basically what I saw was "exposition, exposition, almost completely pointless curse, exposition, exposition, exposition, curse just for effect, exposition, exposition." It creates a choppy feel to things. It also makes the cursing feel incredibly out of place and, once again, makes me conscious of techniques being used.
There are generally only two places you should use curses in your writing. 1st. Is as part of dialogue. 2nd is when it punctuates an action performed by the protagonist, and is in a place where it makes sense for a person to curse. It should not feel like it just came out of nowhere for no reason.
This would be an example of you having weak pros. Pros is basically anything you don't have in quotation marks. By dictionary definition, it is defined as writing that has a natural delivery and tone, as though you are actually listening to a person talking like they would talk to another person in front of them. It's a strange approach to giving dictionary definitions, but for some reason the dictionary definition of pros actually happens to be a writing tip on how to write better pros. Because, that's the best way to do it. Just focus on writing your pros as though it is a person talking. People do not naturally talk that way, going on about describing something factual and then suddenly breaking into random cursing every few lines.
Anyway, that's as deep as I'm willing to dive into this. I decided to help out a little, but I value my time too much to dedicate un-paid time to doing a deep dive on a piece of writing I wouldn't be interested in reading for my casual entertainment without prompting.
