Proof of my humanity

[CheertheDead]

My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.

My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.

I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.

If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?

Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?

We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.

My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.

I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?

The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.

What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.

I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.

I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.

I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.

Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?

---

I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.

When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.

I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.

 

[T.K._Paradox]

My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.

My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.

I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.

If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?

Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?

We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.

My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.

I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?

The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.

What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.

I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.

I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.

I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.

Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?

---

I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.

When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.

I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.

Are you okay?
If not are you going to be alright?

 

[PeacefulMyst]

My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.

My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.

I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.

If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?

Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?

We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.

My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.

I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?

The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.

What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.

I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.

I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.

I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.

Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?

---

I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.

When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.

I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.

do you need help?

 

[NotaNuffian]

My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.

My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.

I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.

If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?

Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?

We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.

My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.

I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?

The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.

What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.

I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.

I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.

I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.

Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?

---

I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.

When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.

I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.

Dude. You are okay.

I lost my dad a decade ago and felt nothing as the casket went down under. I did not cry and barely felt anything.

It was only a year later when I started to clear his stuff out due to reasons did I started to feel the pangs of lost.

Yell it all out if you want.

 

[CheertheDead]

Are you okay?
If not are you going to be alright?

do you need help?

Dude. You are okay.

I lost my dad a decade ago and felt nothing as the casket went down under. I did not cry and barely felt anything.

It was only a year later when I started to clear his stuff out due to reasons did I started to feel the pangs of lost.

Yell it all out if you want.

Thank you.

I am feeling better now that I cried.
For the first time, I see my tears had some meaning.

I cried for her, and I told her that I loved her.

It was better now.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Ya know my good man, you don't need to cry to know that you love your loved ones.

I can tell, even if you say you didn't cry at first, that you love her.

There are many other ways to know we loved those people who love us. And I guess, if you spent your time with them in a good way, it's a life well-spent.

After all, everyone in our life leaves...either by death or they actually leave us. It's the memories that remain with us, and it's what is important.

 

[IDKWtWrite-San]

I see....Bro, you're okay . Its that you're still a child when your grandma died that you don't know how to shed tears in a scenario where you don't know about it since you heard of it.

As we all grow, we experience maturity and came to know the feeling of 'lost'. You don't feel sad and shocked by you're grandma's death? That's still means that you're a human.

Don't judge yourself bro as something emotionless when someone you truly love dies before. Its just we're humans that don't know yet the feeling of seeing your loved one dies in front of you that we don't experience something that makes you cry.

Although, I see my grandpa's last breath, I feel only sadness and nothing more than that. I don't know what to feel in that scenario. My parents cried, your relatives cried, while me and the other kids only feel sadness as they buried our grandpa to his graves.

 

[Bartun]

My grandmother died half a year ago.
Among the many people in my life, only my grandmother and grandfather have the greatest connection to me.

My parents used to be working far away so my important years (1-5) were spent in my grandparents' home.
I love my grandparents. I really want to say I love them... but I can't.
I didn't even cry at their funeral.

I have been questioning my nature and myself many times.
I have been questioning whether I truly love my grandparents as much as the credit I gave to it.

If I didn't love my grandparents, then who did I love?
Why can't I love them just as how they love me or as how other people love their family?

Am I a defective? Am I a failure? Am I an abomination?

We got Covid last year so travelling was greatly restricted, and I couldn't be there with my grandmother in her final moment. I were studying abroad the entire time and only returned ho during New Year.
I didn't even know she was dying until she has already left this world for a day.

My initial reaction to the news were very underwhelming. No tear, no shock. It was like I have somewhat predicted it and it just happened.

I couldn't feel sad for her departure.
What am I?

The thing that makes me sad was I couldn't be sad about her death. That emotion too quickly went away.

What have I done and became like this?
The older I get, the worse I became.

I am really scared. I don't want to turn into the thing I hate. I don't like it this way.
Is this suffering?
It was not pain that was terrible.
It was not being able to feel pain.

I have always told myself that a relationship is like a string attaching myself with the living world.
If that's so then I am drifting away in this world with barely any string tying on me.
It makes me scared.
I am so scared of my inhumanity.
I guess this is what it means to be hopeless.
I guess this is why many surrendered themselves to faith, to a guidance.

I told myself I have to be strong. I have to walk my own path.
Why am I so miserable?
What is this creature in the mirror?
This creature is a failure.
It should be dismantled.
It should be condemned to the abyss.
It should only be allowed to exist in constant agony.

Why did I become such a creature?
What have you been doing, me?
We agreed to kill the weaknesses. We agreed to transform, to ascend.
What is this that you brought to our domain?

---

I am thankful to the dream last night.
I met her in my dream, my grandmother.
She brought me gifts.
Gifts that I couldn't remember what they were.
I just know they were gifts and they were for me.
I was casual when I received the gifts like I used to.
I didn't realise it was a dream...
nor did I realise she was dead.

When our conversation died down...
there was this... urge inside...
it told me I have to told her how I feel...
and I complied...
For some reason, I just know I wouldn't have a second chance.
Perhaps, I subconsciously knew I am on my second chance.
I hugged her... I hugged her...
and I told her I love her really much.
I cried... I cried a lot in that dream even though I don't understand why I cried.
She was still with me...
then I suddenly remembered she was no longer alive.
I couldn't say anything else to her as I am realising that was a dream and I am waking up.

I am thankful.
I am eternally thankful.
Thank you for proving that I truly love my grandmother.
Thank you for proving that I could cry.
Thank you for proving that I feel pain when losing her.
THankyou.
Thankyou.

Hope you are ok.

I felt the same when both my grandparents died. I didn't even cry.

But when I had to shoot my dog a few months ago, that killed me.

 

[ArcadiaBlade]

Humans have emotions that are based on how connected they are in the world.

Receiving joy, being pained in suffering and even the longer you live, the harder it is to bear hurts you physically and emotionally.

I barely have any connections left in the world to tie me to keep on living but it's mainly the fact that you just need to find a new rope to tie upon and not just struggle to hold on to the old ropes you have.

I lost my grandfather while not being emotionally connected to him but something died inside me, trying to keep the memories I have with him in my heart, treasuring their life is a new hope I have.

I lost my uncle due to a murder which he was like a father who told me that I shouldn't be bitter about being inferior to my siblings and become a better man.

I lost my aunt who was like a teacher and a mother who cares and provided me with love that my family didn't provide for me as a child.

I lost my grandmother who taught me that life was something to experience and never be afraid of things you are scared. Face forward without straying from the wrong path.

And.....

I lost my mother on my birthday yet she taught me that I shouldn't just give out my life just because of all the pain I experience. I can cry, anger, and even shout out to the world how unfair it is. Yet, I shouldn't give up on life just because it's bitter and unfair it is. Try to find your answer in life and never give up on pursuing it until you die in the end, finding the purpose of what your life is.

I don't want to demean your pain or suffering but at least look at head to what's in front of you. Think of all the good things and even if they are bad, it only gives you improvement to work hard on the bad stuff.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

The proof of her existence burns on within you, in the warm, faint memory of every smile she shared, and every lesson from her you learned. That proof burns within us as well, now that you've told us about her. Like one candle lit by another.

Believe me, for this is true: you're grandmother lived, and yet lives, for as long as we do. For this honor, I thank you.

 

[CheertheDead]

Ya know my good man, you don't need to cry to know that you love your loved ones.

I can tell, even if you say you didn't cry at first, that you love her.

There are many other ways to know we loved those people who love us. And I guess, if you spent your time with them in a good way, it's a life well-spent.

After all, everyone in our life leaves...either by death or they actually leave us. It's the memories that remain with us, and it's what is important.

I see....Bro, you're okay . Its that you're still a child when your grandma died that you don't know how to shed tears in a scenario where you don't know about it since you heard of it.

As we all grow, we experience maturity and came to know the feeling of 'lost'. You don't feel sad and shocked by you're grandma's death? That's still means that you're a human.

Don't judge yourself bro as something emotionless when someone you truly love dies before. Its just we're humans that don't know yet the feeling of seeing your loved one dies in front of you that we don't experience something that makes you cry.

Although, I see my grandpa's last breath, I feel only sadness and nothing more than that. I don't know what to feel in that scenario. My parents cried, your relatives cried, while me and the other kids only feel sadness as they buried our grandpa to his graves.

Hope you are ok.

I felt the same when both my grandparents died. I didn't even cry.

But when I had to shoot my dog a few months ago, that killed me.

I lost my grandfather when I was 12 so I can tolerate my youthful ignorance.
I lost my grandmother just last year, when I was 26 and I couldn't feel sad.
I think that's what made me truly angry at myself.

And I think the reason I condemned my existence were partly because I didn't try to be closer to my grandparents to the point that I could cry when I lost them.
I have always hated myself for not trying to be closer to those I loved and treasured.

Humans have emotions that are based on how connected they are in the world.

Receiving joy, being pained in suffering and even the longer you live, the harder it is to bear hurts you physically and emotionally.

I barely have any connections left in the world to tie me to keep on living but it's mainly the fact that you just need to find a new rope to tie upon and not just struggle to hold on to the old ropes you have.

I lost my grandfather while not being emotionally connected to him but something died inside me, trying to keep the memories I have with him in my heart, treasuring their life is a new hope I have.

I lost my uncle due to a murder which he was like a father who told me that I shouldn't be bitter about being inferior to my siblings and become a better man.

I lost my aunt who was like a teacher and a mother who cares and provided me with love that my family didn't provide for me as a child.

I lost my grandmother who taught me that life was something to experience and never be afraid of things you are scared. Face forward without straying from the wrong path.

And.....

I lost my mother on my birthday yet she taught me that I shouldn't just give out my life just because of all the pain I experience. I can cry, anger, and even shout out to the world how unfair it is. Yet, I shouldn't give up on life just because it's bitter and unfair it is. Try to find your answer in life and never give up on pursuing it until you die in the end, finding the purpose of what your life is.

I don't want to demean your pain or suffering but at least look at head to what's in front of you. Think of all the good things and even if they are bad, it only gives you improvement to work hard on the bad stuff.

I think I can say I am living in my past.
I always compare myself with my past.
I always felt that I could do more in the past.

I know I just need to make new connection, but I just really hate losing what I had.
I think this is why I have always fixated on obtaining thing that was permanent rather than temporary.
I don't hate the world nor do I feel it was unfair.
I just hate myself. I just hate that I didn't do a better job.

T.K._Paradox​

PeacefulMyst​

NotaNuffian​

The proof of her existence burns on within you, in the warm, faint memory of every smile she shared, and every lesson from her you learned. That proof burns within us as well, now that you've told us about her. Like one candle lit by another.

Believe me, for this is true: you're grandmother lived, and yet lives, for as long as we do. For this honor, I thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

---

Thank you all of you for attaching a rope onto me and pulling me back.

 

[ArcadiaBlade]

I think I can say I am living in my past.
I always compare myself with my past.
I always felt that I could do more in the past.

I know I just need to make new connection, but I just really hate losing what I had.
I think this is why I have always fixated on obtaining thing that was permanent rather than temporary.
I don't hate the world nor do I feel it was unfair.
I just hate myself. I just hate that I didn't do a better job.

I think its normal to have something to be afraid of. Being inferior is something people goes through once in their life.

Hell, I don't deny having an inferiority complex over people better than me and always hated the fact that no matter how much I tried, I never get to be better than them.

As for walking out of your past and accepting new changes, I don't think you should quickly try to fit in with the world.

Baby steps. Slow and steady while you adapt yourself to the world. Don't compare yourself to others and walk outside your comfort zone slowly and carefully. No matter how fast the world is going, you only need to embrace it by your own pace and not through others.

I've come to accept that the world isn't my paradise but my own hell the first time yet it doesn't change that everything would revolve around your choices.

You can move with others pace or walk your own, no matter what you do, just don't push for answers and let the world slowly revolve around you.

I met annoying people who I can't drive away out of my comfort zone yet as time passes, I slowly developed my own social circle compared to the old me who just wishes to put a bullet through my skull.

Talk to a shopkeeper, listen in on people conversing or even greet people just to practice socializing. Just don't give up about severing connections to the world. Take it slow or be introverted about it but just be someone that disconnects himself from the world.

You might not come to realize it soon but the future you will thank you for it in the end. Thats what matters for you.

 

[CheertheDead]

Try to find your answer in life and never give up on pursuing it until you die in the end, finding the purpose of what your life is.

You remind me of my past. This is the thing that I have always leaned onto.

I have no purpose so I always said to myself to find my purpose, and that is what my purpose is.

The world sure is small when you see another like-minded.

 

[owotrucked]

Oh I didn't see that thread until now.

I don't think that death is bad in a rational point of view. And emotions takes time to process since it originates from the subconscious. So nothing strange about processing things slow.

Death isn't that bad itself but some side circumstances can be:
-people left behind: friend and family needed the dying person. They still want to spend time with the dying person but won't be able to. Inability to support the children and watch them grow.
-the projects and the dreams left behind: the dying person's abilities were valued and needed
-regrets of the dying: when they haven't lived the life they wanted
-clinging to life: when the dying is pleading "I don't want to die" on repeat
-things were left unsaid that will never find resolve
-marks and belongings left behind thrown in the garbage

There are elements like this that are more or less sad that doesn't concern every death and every person.

I think grandchildren won't have as much emotional reaction as parents reacting to grandparents' death.

Tl;dr: death isnt auto cry

 

[Derin_Edala]

That sounds like run-of-the-mill trauma-induced alexithymia to me, but I'm no expert. Most people deal with their normal level of emotional connection fine but it can be disorienting and distressing to have it suddenly change on you, to expect to feel appropriate emotions and then not be able to find them. I'm sorry it distressed you so much, and glad that this dream helped. Remember that therapy is always a option.