reaction score: 0

atgongumerki

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2019
Messages
250
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103
I need help with my synopsis
I need destructive criticism
and I need to know why nobody wants to vote in my polls

I will be grateful to anyone willing to help in any of the aforementioned problems. (and in hopes, it increases the reply rate offer to help in return; shamelessly stole this idea from spoopytagedie)
 

HURGMCGURG

That Guy
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Jan 22, 2019
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This is for your Adventum entry.

Flat out, your synopsis is shit. My synopsis is shit, so I'm not one to talk, but yours is more disclaimer than description.

Your first chapter reads like a 12 year old got their hands on a thesaurus. Good vocabulary, it's just written poorly. Not only is the grammar not very good, it doesn't flow well at all. You switch between tenses quite a few times. Some of the words used don't fit well with the situation or actions.

If you're a native English speaker or someone that has learned English well, then I recommend that you reread what you have written to yourself aloud. If it sounds awkward at all, fix it. If not, move on.

If you're a non-native English speaker that's not experienced with the language, then either improve your language skills or find an editor.

With that being said, I'm a harsh critic and a stickler for basic grammar and I only read the first chapter.
 
Last edited:

K5Rakitan

Level 34 👪 💍 Pronouns: she/whore ♀
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Apr 15, 2020
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In your synopsis, be more specific about who your characters are and why we should care about them.
 

Sii

Active member
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Jul 3, 2020
Messages
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Yeah, your synopsis needs to go. From a readers point of view, it doesn't make me want to read your entry. Rather than explaining what the story is supposed to be about, it would draw a reader in if you were giving a brief view into your story. Your synopsis is really, really vague and obtuse and just pushes readers away. You don't need to explain to your readers that you're going to use archaic or made up words, just use them and give enough context clues that the reader can figure it out. With you trying to explain your story and your word choices in the synopsis you come off as if you're assuming that the reader is too dumb to work things out for themselves. Most of us are pretty stupid but we don't like being reminded that we are.

As for your entry, I was honestly only able to read the first chapter. Like stated before, you know how to use nice words but you aren't linking them together in a cohesive manner. It's cool to have a good grasp of a lot of words but for story purposes you don't need to use them as often. You started off really vague and stayed vague and this lost my interest. If you were going for an air of mystery, you achieved it. So much so that I'm still pretty mystified as to what was going on.

If I can suggest anything, I would suggest that you try to nail down the main points of what you're trying to do with your story. Not just on a macro scale but a micro, chapter to chapter scale. Simplify your word choices and sentence structure. If you use them properly you'll still be able to flex your grammar muscles without having long, meandering sentences.

Edit: and to address why no one is voting in your end of chapter polls, I would say it's because it's pretty confusing. I read through the first chapter and I still don't have an answer for your poll question. You were a little too vague and meandering for my slightly stupid self.
 

atgongumerki

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 26, 2019
Messages
250
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103
Dear HURGMCGURG,
Thank you for your reply.
I understand most of your criticisms, except the one about grammar and tenses. From what I understand the chapter follows the rules about how to implement both.

a stickler for basic grammar

I'd need to know what you mean by grammar.
Because if you are talking about grammar, as I understand the word, I will need some examples.
If you mean something like style, I agree that mine is unique (maybe uniquely bad) and hard to follow.

The last thing I want to disagree on is the notion that all native English speakers are good at the language.

Best regards,
Atgongumerki
 

HURGMCGURG

That Guy
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
364
Points
133
Dear HURGMCGURG,
Thank you for your reply.
I understand most of your criticisms, except the one about grammar and tenses. From what I understand the chapter follows the rules about how to implement both.



I'd need to know what you mean by grammar.
Because if you are talking about grammar, as I understand the word, I will need some examples.
If you mean something like style, I agree that mine is unique (maybe uniquely bad) and hard to follow.

The last thing I want to disagree on is the notion that all native English speakers are good at the language.

Best regards,
Atgongumerki
Get an editor.

Fuck it, share with me a google doc of the first chapter and I'll edit it myself.
 

HyperSpace

New member
Joined
Nov 21, 2019
Messages
19
Points
3
I need help with my synopsis
I need destructive criticism
and I need to know why nobody wants to vote in my polls

I will be grateful to anyone willing to help in any of the aforementioned problems. (and in hopes, it increases the reply rate offer to help in return; shamelessly stole this idea from spoopytagedie)
I'll give the Adventum a try and comment on the chapters my thoughts on what I read.
 
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