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[Vanny]

The church was small and surrounded by white rocks. It was so bright out during midday, the shadows of seagulls were ink black to Fredrick's eyes, besides his own which sometimes wavered. White, thick grains of salt irritated his skin. More sweat attempted to come out of those pores, causing them to swell-up, but not leak. He was much too dehydrated to manage a sweat.

The thick bushes around the church rustled, and a puff of wind came out. Fredrick robes were heavy and white. A blue ring around the tightly worn collar showed he had no rank within the church and was merely a candidate.

He smirked in joy. On the first day of the Trial of Perseverance, his robes had been soaked in sweat. They were worn during the night and soaked in dew. The sun would've already dried them, but, clouds would pass, and slowed the process. Leaving him to feel humid, sticky, and uncomfortable.

The cool wind rustled them, enough that the robe's weight left him. And that made him feel weightless. In fact, he had almost fainted because of the ecstasy that this feeling brought him. He stumbled, his right foot had been removed from that darkened area of sweat, and a small amount of blood.

The spell of lightheadedness made him stumble. The first, of the three trials, was the Trial of Sight, for Fredrick. The people of Banhaneos believed in many gods. And, it was said by many other nations that many Gods believed in them. Fredrick was not that talented. Not up to the standards that foreigners believed them all to be.

To stand beneath the blazing sun for an entire five days and nights was the customs of old. Those customs had slackened and in this day and age, the requirement had dropped to three.

"Ah." He hissed weakly. The rocks his foot had landed on were scolding. He didn't remove it despite the pain, and the rocks were eventually cooled because of the blood and sweat that were still stuck to his foot. He looked around for the proctors, that were no doubt removing points. They were hidden too well, and Fredrick admitted, the day was too long.

Fredrick closed his eyes and began to chant. He coughed and continued saying the words within his head. The words were from different languages. Some of those languages were dead now. But these words all shared the same meaning. Resilience. He thought of a plant when he'd said it Esquale. Of stone when he'd said it in Norbin. Of many other symbols of what he wanted to be in many different languages. Night came and dew along with it. He did his best not to shiver. The cold touch made it hard to focus, the words would sometimes slip away from him because of it.

Morning came again and his legs were now wobbling. They would almost buckle beneath him every few minutes. Resilience, he called out whenever they were about to.
.....................................

This is a short part of my upcoming web serial. Give me your opinion on the quality.

 

[Kotohood]

My first thoughts is that it is quite wordy, makes it tempting for people like me to skim through.

Other than that it looks good. Nothing much I could complain grammar wise. I do think the trials could have been explained better though. Like what was he doing there anyway? Sounds like a death sentence than a trial to me.

Also, good luck with your endeavours!

 

[Nixil]

It is quite exposition heavy which doesn't really work for such a tense moment where Fredrick should be under quite a lot of psychological / physcial duress. I think this ruins the flow of the text.

If this was the beginning of the story, it would benefit more by not revealing things. For example when he looks around, you don't tell the reader who he is looking for and this easily creates a hook/setup so you can reveal it later for payoff.

If this was later in the book then I would expect the exposition before and after the rise in tension. This allows payoff of previous exposition and allows greater exploration into Fredrick's emotions and feelings without having to explain them why in great detail. For example if you already tell us he has no rank before this and then we know that the trial matters a lot to Frederick in this scene.

Other than that, there were also two obvious grammar mistakes that I found.
'scolding' should be 'scalding'
and you missed out the word 'to' before 'shiver'

Also, for some reason, I found the sentence with 'besides' awkward to read. I think it has something to do with 'to Fredrick' or linking the shadows to the seagulls. For example 'All his clothes were pink, besides mine which were grey'. It may just be a problem with me, but I will propose a change anyway (just in case):

'It was so bright out during midday, where his wavered, the seagulls' shadows were ink black.'

 

[Vanny]

Thanks to both of you. I'll lean more into the mind of the character, rather than writing the text in a detached manner, to fix most of those problems.

My first thoughts is that it is quite wordy, makes it tempting for people like me to skim through.

Other than that it looks good. Nothing much I could complain grammar wise. I do think the trials could have been explained better though. Like what was he doing there anyway? Sounds like a death sentence than a trial to me.

Also, good luck with your endeavours!

It is quite exposition heavy which doesn't really work for such a tense moment where Fredrick should be under quite a lot of psychological / physcial duress. I think this ruins the flow of the text.

If this was the beginning of the story, it would benefit more by not revealing things. For example when he looks around, you don't tell the reader who he is looking for and this easily creates a hook/setup so you can reveal it later for payoff.

If this was later in the book then I would expect the exposition before and after the rise in tension. This allows payoff of previous exposition and allows greater exploration into Fredrick's emotions and feelings without having to explain them why in great detail. For example if you already tell us he has no rank before this and then we know that the trial matters a lot to Frederick in this scene.

Other than that, there were also two obvious grammar mistakes that I found.
'scolding' should be 'scalding'
and you missed out the word 'to' before 'shiver'

Also, for some reason, I found the sentence with 'besides' awkward to read. I think it has something to do with 'to Fredrick' or linking the shadows to the seagulls. For example 'All his clothes were pink, besides mine which were grey'. It may just be a problem with me, but I will propose a change anyway (just in case):

'It was so bright out during midday, where his wavered, the seagulls' shadows were ink black.'

 

[IvyVeritas]

I'll post some specific items, though I agree with the comment that it's pretty wordy.

I won't pull everything out, but I'll list some of the things you should watch out for when you're working on second drafts and beyond:

1. "the shadows of seagulls were ink black to Fredrick's eyes, besides his own which sometimes wavered." -> His own what? By the structure of the sentence, this can only be referring to his own seagull (or his own shadow of a seagull)...which wavers? The only other subject is his eyes, but that doesn't fit the structure of the sentence, and makes even less sense.

2. "More sweat attempted to come out of those pores, causing them to swell-up, but not leak." This is the type of sentence that usually gets deleted in a second draft. Also, "pores" isn't referenced prior to this, so using the word "those" in front of it doesn't really work.

3. "The thick bushes around the church rustled, and a puff of wind came out." -> Came out of what? Also, try to cut down on passive voice when it isn't necessary.

4. "Fredrick robes" -> missing "'s"

5. "He smirked in joy." -> smirking isn't an expression of joy; it's closer to contempt (or good-natured teasing, but not joy)

6. "On the first day of the Trial of Perseverance, his robes had been soaked in sweat. They were worn during the night and soaked in dew." -> These two sentences are unclear. If you mean the robes got soaked in sweat during the day, then soaked in dew that night, you'll want to add something to connect the two thoughts (probably making them a single sentence).

7. "The sun would've already dried them, but, clouds would pass, and slowed the process." -> incorrect verb tenses, and the last two commas shouldn't be there.

8. "Leaving him to feel humid, sticky, and uncomfortable." -> incomplete sentence.

If you combine the fixes for 7 and 8, you'll want to end up with something like this: "The sun would have dried them, but clouds had passed, slowing the process and leaving him sticky and uncomfortable."

9. "The cool wind rustled them, enough that the robe's weight left him." -> What is "them"? Try to eliminate passive voice. Also, you've changed "robes" from the previous paragraph to "robe" here...you'll want to keep that consistent (if you change it from robes to robe, you'll have to change several other words to match). If "them" is "robes", try making this part of the previous paragraph, to help make the connection. "The cool wind rustled them, almost enough to lift their weight from him." (that sentence would still need further work, and this seems like it would require a lot of wind, blowing straight up)

10. "And that made him feel weightless." -> incomplete sentence

11. "In fact, he had almost fainted because of the ecstasy that this feeling brought him." -> incorrect verb tense, and try to avoid "In fact" in the narrative.

12. "He stumbled, his right foot had been removed from that darkened area of sweat, and a small amount of blood." -> I have no idea what this sentence is trying to say.


That's probably enough for you to get started with. I hope it helps!

 

[Vanny]

Some of those incomplete sentences are there for style. The misspellings aren't. And the second sentence had been pointed out to me, I'll fix it before releasing this serial. Referring to the pores not being brought up prior to their mentioning, I took it as granted people knew sweat came from pores. That sentence about the blood and sweat on his foot bottom is for emphases of his suffering. When I reveal his age later it will be set off, hopefully, emotionally, by the readers.

Thanks. I'll take any advice I can get. Though, I will be critical of each of them for my own improvement. Do not take offense of my dry delivery, it has always been like that.

I'll post some specific items, though I agree with the comment that it's pretty wordy.

I won't pull everything out, but I'll list some of the things you should watch out for when you're working on second drafts and beyond:

1. "the shadows of seagulls were ink black to Fredrick's eyes, besides his own which sometimes wavered." -> His own what? By the structure of the sentence, this can only be referring to his own seagull (or his own shadow of a seagull)...which wavers? The only other subject is his eyes, but that doesn't fit the structure of the sentence, and makes even less sense.

2. "More sweat attempted to come out of those pores, causing them to swell-up, but not leak." This is the type of sentence that usually gets deleted in a second draft. Also, "pores" isn't referenced prior to this, so using the word "those" in front of it doesn't really work.

3. "The thick bushes around the church rustled, and a puff of wind came out." -> Came out of what? Also, try to cut down on passive voice when it isn't necessary.

4. "Fredrick robes" -> missing "'s"

5. "He smirked in joy." -> smirking isn't an expression of joy; it's closer to contempt (or good-natured teasing, but not joy)

6. "On the first day of the Trial of Perseverance, his robes had been soaked in sweat. They were worn during the night and soaked in dew." -> These two sentences are unclear. If you mean the robes got soaked in sweat during the day, then soaked in dew that night, you'll want to add something to connect the two thoughts (probably making them a single sentence).

7. "The sun would've already dried them, but, clouds would pass, and slowed the process." -> incorrect verb tenses, and the last two commas shouldn't be there.

8. "Leaving him to feel humid, sticky, and uncomfortable." -> incomplete sentence.

If you combine the fixes for 7 and 8, you'll want to end up with something like this: "The sun would have dried them, but clouds had passed, slowing the process and leaving him sticky and uncomfortable."

9. "The cool wind rustled them, enough that the robe's weight left him." -> What is "them"? Try to eliminate passive voice. Also, you've changed "robes" from the previous paragraph to "robe" here...you'll want to keep that consistent (if you change it from robes to robe, you'll have to change several other words to match). If "them" is "robes", try making this part of the previous paragraph, to help make the connection. "The cool wind rustled them, almost enough to lift their weight from him." (that sentence would still need further work, and this seems like it would require a lot of wind, blowing straight up)

10. "And that made him feel weightless." -> incomplete sentence

11. "In fact, he had almost fainted because of the ecstasy that this feeling brought him." -> incorrect verb tense, and try to avoid "In fact" in the narrative.

12. "He stumbled, his right foot had been removed from that darkened area of sweat, and a small amount of blood." -> I have no idea what this sentence is trying to say.


That's probably enough for you to get started with. I hope it helps!