Review Request: Warlord of the Abyss

Evaldai

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Joined
May 7, 2020
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Hello, everyone! This is my first light novel here on SH. It is called Warlord of the Abyss. I was hoping to get some feedback on my novel because it would really help improve the quality of the story. It is kinda like a sci-fi game of thrones with a sprinkle of lovecraft. The novel summary should give you an idea what its all about.
There are five metrics I was hoping you guys could give feedback to:

1. Character quality - are the characters more than just bland tropes?
2. Dialogue - is the dialogue coherent?
3. Accessibility - is the story understandable?
4. Grammar - is the grammar too simple?
5. Atmosphere - does the story have the right tone?

Feel free to add any observations or critiques. Thank you!




 
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Nixil

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Jul 27, 2019
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41
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There is honestly not enough chapters to judge the majority of the character who have a lack scenes (currently). From what I have seen though, it's pretty good. The dialogue is coherent and the overall story is also understandable. I don't know what you're asking for with 'is the grammar too simple'. Sure complex grammar can add to a story, but it's not like simple grammar will detract from one and it really isn't something the average reader would pay attention to. There are some grammatical errors, but it's mostly ok.

The atmosphere is kind of problematic (in my opinion of course). A political tone is established, but it lacks the darkness to it. Yes there are some dark moments, but overall it is more of a comedic/romantic vibe from the character interactions. I'm sure the story will progress to have more of these moments along with the lovecraftian elements, but still the title just doesn't match. The title reminds me of those xianxia stories where the mc kills half the universe, which I don't think really fits the current story or what the story might develop. The fantasy mixed with sci-fi is weird, but also interesting. Hopefully the coming battle will introduce us to the magic/power system as I doubt they just fight with swords when they have genetic engineering. Maybe I missed it, but you could probably hint at a magic system in earlier chapters.

I feel the current chapter 1 is a better opening than your chapter 0. It better represents what the readers will read in the following chapters. While chapter 0 is a very important scene, it would probably be better if you subtly foreshadowed before the reveal of what actually happened. Especially because this scene and it's elements of lovecraft will not play a big role until much later in the story, atleast from what I could see with 15 chapters deep and none of it in sight. I accidentally read from chapter 1 instead of 0 because it was on a different page, I don't know if this influenced my opinion.

Some problems I have with chapter 1 is the useless world building. While past me would've hated it whenever it was used, I now understand it can be used to give or reinforce the idea that the world is complex/ has depth and is well developed, but it still doesn't have a place in an action sequence as it really slows it down.
They have been observing it days before at the port, hauling luxurious goods such as conflict elements, and Lipo-3, the fuel of the civilization.
I doubt everything past luxurious goods is going to be used as a plot point.
The pirate tried to stab him in the back as he skewered his companion yet in the next moment his world turned upside down. He stopped rolling, shocked to see his headless body.
The amount of he/him/his actually made it confusing
The pirate had risen to the top by being stronger and more ruthless than any of his underlings. Deimos killed him in two seconds with a stab through the heart
This sudden flip between a moment of seriousness and release of tension made it kind of comedic which is unintentional? This also happens in chapter 3, but less comedic, where 'a battle of wills ensued' which is resolved in the next line.

As a whole the first 15 chapters was really slow with the amount of dialogue, character introductions and exposition, but you did say it was going to be a slow paced story, I guess it's my bad for skimming the synopsis. It's shaping up to be a pretty decent read.
 

Evaldai

New member
Joined
May 7, 2020
Messages
5
Points
3
There is honestly not enough chapters to judge the majority of the character who have a lack scenes (currently). From what I have seen though, it's pretty good. The dialogue is coherent and the overall story is also understandable. I don't know what you're asking for with 'is the grammar too simple'. Sure complex grammar can add to a story, but it's not like simple grammar will detract from one and it really isn't something the average reader would pay attention to. There are some grammatical errors, but it's mostly ok.

The atmosphere is kind of problematic (in my opinion of course). A political tone is established, but it lacks the darkness to it. Yes there are some dark moments, but overall it is more of a comedic/romantic vibe from the character interactions. I'm sure the story will progress to have more of these moments along with the lovecraftian elements, but still the title just doesn't match. The title reminds me of those xianxia stories where the mc kills half the universe, which I don't think really fits the current story or what the story might develop. The fantasy mixed with sci-fi is weird, but also interesting. Hopefully the coming battle will introduce us to the magic/power system as I doubt they just fight with swords when they have genetic engineering. Maybe I missed it, but you could probably hint at a magic system in earlier chapters.

I feel the current chapter 1 is a better opening than your chapter 0. It better represents what the readers will read in the following chapters. While chapter 0 is a very important scene, it would probably be better if you subtly foreshadowed before the reveal of what actually happened. Especially because this scene and it's elements of lovecraft will not play a big role until much later in the story, atleast from what I could see with 15 chapters deep and none of it in sight. I accidentally read from chapter 1 instead of 0 because it was on a different page, I don't know if this influenced my opinion.

Some problems I have with chapter 1 is the useless world building. While past me would've hated it whenever it was used, I now understand it can be used to give or reinforce the idea that the world is complex/ has depth and is well developed, but it still doesn't have a place in an action sequence as it really slows it down.

I doubt everything past luxurious goods is going to be used as a plot point.
The amount of he/him/his actually made it confusing
This sudden flip between a moment of seriousness and release of tension made it kind of comedic which is unintentional? This also happens in chapter 3, but less comedic, where 'a battle of wills ensued' which is resolved in the next line.

As a whole the first 15 chapters was really slow with the amount of dialogue, character introductions and exposition, but you did say it was going to be a slow paced story, I guess it's my bad for skimming the synopsis. It's shaping up to be a pretty decent read.

Hey, man! Thanks for the review I really appreciate it. Let me address the points you raised:

1. Title - You are right, I didn't think of it that way. I should experiment with the title a bit.

2. Power system - I am still unsure whether I should add a power system as the story progresses because for me personally, the web novel market is already overflowing with various magic/power systems and while it is cool to have them, they don't really add weight to the story. Maybe I will build it like the Brilliance novel by Marcus Sakey, superhuman abilities within the realm of possibility.

3. World building- I do have trouble incorporating the world other than exposition, maybe I need to mixed it into the story itself.

4. Battle Scenes - Yeah, that was intentional but I need to improve on writing the sequence of the fight to get the readers really into it. I should avoid cliches like the one you said.

That is all and if you have anymore questions, feel free to ask/message me. I hope you will continue to follow the story.
 
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