need advice on 2nd draft

Sacred_Night

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My webnovel is called Ascension of the Storm Herald

I've replaced the two opening small arcs. So instead of getting summoned into the castle, he gets summoned into the dungeon he was supposed to stumble in.

I'd appreciate any feedback. Thanks

 
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Assurbanipal_II

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I dont why but something seems to be wrong with the formatting. :blob_reach:
 

Nixil

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I thought your analysis was helpful. Do you mind doing the same to my own webnovel? I've been looking for feedback as well.
My feedback is quite questionable. I was quite tired towards the end of my feedback, please excuse me.
If you disagree with anything, please do reply.

The first chapter was very questionable. A lot of it was used to develop the wrong things. The focus of the first chapter is to link Zion to the storm and developing his personality. Developing Jess was probably not a good decision, as Zion promptly forgets about her and I doubt she will be integral to the plot. He also starts flirting with the princess (?) within a week, which just shows how little Jess matters to the plot. Jess would probably be used as a reason for Zion to go back, but the relationship is pretty poorly developed for this and a family member might work better. You might’ve been able to pull it off, but it doesn’t seem like you will use this character at all so should they take up that much of the first chapter when they quickly become irrelevant. This is especially because this is the first chapter.

Actions are a good way to help the reader develop an understanding of a character’s personality. For example, him trying to kick a glass door when he felt endangered shows he is proactive but rash. That is a good example of developing a character, even though I feel his rashness won’t ever have lasting consequences from what I have read.

Zion realising there is a rhythm to the lightning felt undeserved for the reader as there is no actual rhythm for the reader. You already showed signs of tying the ritual to the lighting so all you needed to do was emphasise this more. For example, the people start dancing and singing faster as the lightning strikes faster or lightning striking after the people finish chanting a phrase. Well, there wasn’t really a need for Zion to realise the pattern at this moment as you revisit this later on, which would probably be a more natural place to put it.

Walking out naked and using a plant pot to cover himself is understandable due to his hangover and magical elements, but this really isn’t the best place for comedy(?). This shouldn’t be a comedic story (at least it isn’t one of the genres) and this is quite a tense moment. By using comedy, you have removed a lot of the tension built from the previous lines. This scene also doesn’t work in conjunction with realising the rhythm of the storm. It could be a moment of clarity except Zion does not seem like that kind of person.

Think about what else Zion does in this chapter and ask is this who I want him to be?

The second chapter has a lot of good world building, but is it the right moment and is it presented in an interesting way? I won’t really tell you what to take out as some people will find this interesting, but there are better places to put this information. The pacing of the story shouldn’t suffer from worldbuilding either.

‘The King and Queen were married for twenty years. Queen Nalani sailed from her homeland to Althea when she was seventeen, and after a year gave birth to a set of twin girls.’

I don’t think any of this is needed. How long they married for is irrelevant. The queen being foreign is quite normal and if this were to become a bigger plot point, it should be introduced in a different way. For example, her etiquette and demeanour being different or through gossip of palace staff. I doubt this would become a plot point as there is no signs of doing so. One is introduced to the main character in the next chapter and the other in three. They get plenty of development further on so there was no need for this. I don’t like this line very much because it was between lines of dialogue and it kind of ruined the flow.

I had hoped Zion’s status being bugged and not being able to select anything became a bigger thing, but he resolves it in the next chapter. This feels just like introducing a villain just to kill him off straight away. It doesn’t hinder Zion at all and is hardly a problem, yet I had to read him annoyingly whine for a good few paragraphs.

I felt the fight scene was rather muddled. The environment and what everyone were doing was kind of confusing. This was a very overloaded scene, so it is understandable that everything can’t be developed. You should prioritise a few characters’ fights and develop them rather than everything at once especially as we haven’t been introduced to these characters for very long and don’t have many reasons to care. I felt like Zion was just standing there watching them fighting for the majority of it. I know he was recovering, but it didn’t look like he was eager to join in either. Shouldn’t they be evacuating the heroes anyway, do they really expect newly summoned people to fight. Zion randomly using aura was quite undeserved.

The protagonist hating the king is understandable, but it isn’t like the readers can’t understand the king’s decision either and he isn’t treating Zion that poorly either. To make the reader empathise with the protagonist you need to explain his thoughts. Zion getting angry at being kidnapped feels off if he doesn’t think about Earth at all.

‘The man seemed unstable’ For what reason does Zion think this of the king.

‘How he hated the way Mortius, their instructor treated him’ We only have one scene where Mortius says a few lines, hard to empathise with Zion.

‘Though because of the Star fruits he devoured for breakfast, the bonus to stamina regen remained’ was this needed.
 

Nixil

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Oh thanks. I completely forgot about that post. And yes I completely agree about Jess, she won't be returning. She was a simple fling, during his vacation. I actually culled her entire part because of the reasons you stated.

I think I understand what you meant about the storm pattern. I'll have to think it over alittle.

The Queen and the King relationship will be developed more. But yea probably unnecessary and too soon. But wouldn't you think she'd have assimilated after 2 decades?

The fight scene was very relevant. But the explanation is also very far away. I struggled how to play this out honestly. For a villian in the shadow, what's the best time to strike? That's what led to this scene from the plot. Because basically they are all in a room with noobs. The Queen wants to get the Heroes who are incapable of helping themselves to safety, but they are completely surrounded. So it isn't easy. It was supposed to feel very chaotic. Also I tried to hint at the Kings Oath influence, as what gave Zion the "helping hand", when it came to using aura. I didn't want him to be so handicapped for the next 20 chs, when his error gets fixed. But I actually changed that in the rewrite. His status will stay bugged until the.. lol. But yea, now he's basically cheesing to get stats/lvl up.

In regards to Zion and the King, did it come off unreasonably? They King isn't supposed to be hated, by the reader. From Zion's perspective he understands the King wants to protect his citizens and no reasonable person should willingly give strangers incredible power over themselves. That's a reasonable assumption, Zion holds. But at the same time, Zion doesn't want to be drafted into a war, in a world he knows nothing about. So he understands the King, but hates his method. As the King refuses to budge on the issue, was willing to kill them all outright and in fact placed them under an oath that sways their perception of him. Though that's a spoiler iirc. I believe I took that part out and just hinted at it, when Zion finished his Oath and was lying on the floor from the Kings Gaze and Truth spell.

Honestly thank you so much. I think my main problem probably extends from pacing after reading your feedback. I probably should do a better job at foreshadowing as things that are relevant don't seem that way from another's perspective. Last two things, yup the flower pot and Jess was supposed to be comedic. Added that after a friend said the intro was too intense. Also, Zion's interaction with the princess reads wrong I'm thinking. She's leading him on for shits and giggles and he.. well he's a guy lol. So yea thanks again. I didn't even expect a full feedback on the entire 10chs, so I very much appreciate this. But I'll ask a question to end this.

Personally in my head, the story is about a 8.5 to 9.5. I like alot of what I came up with and think it's very unique, so I'm proud of myself there. But I'm also very cynical and am my worse critique. So I think it reads as a 6.5 to 7. And I know it's very early on but what would you say? Don't bother hurting my feelings, I know I'm very much a noob and am trying to get better, so you can lay it on me
Yeah the queen would've assimilated by then, I was just suggesting other options if you wanted her being foreign to become a bigger plot point other than outright telling it to the reader.
The fight fight is relevant, I don't deny that, and it is probably the right time for the villain to strike and to introduce the villain to the reader. However you have already introduced a lot of characters and you introduce characters like the Japanese businessman in the middle of the fight with a single line. I would much rather you introduce the side characters later on where they can have proper development. I understand the fight is meant to be chaotic and that may be part of the reason I was confused, but I think too much information was withheld. It may just be because I was tired, but I didn't even realise they were surrounded and I didn't realise they were being attacked by more than two snakes until you mentioned the thralls. When Nadia was attacking the Noble, I thought she was attacking her for summoning them and not that they were mind-controlled(?). I may have to reread this scene again as I was reading it at 3AM, so it may just be me that is confused.
Zion saying lines like 'The man seemed unstable' and feeling like he is permanently angry at the king made me think he didn't understand. I get why he hates the king, didn't feel like he understood the king though.
Zion may be developing too fast, but that depends on if you want a powerful protagonist. From your synopsis, it seems like you would want the protagonist to suffer more and that is harder to do the more competent the protagonist.

My rating of any story is skewed to the low end so I am probably not an accurate judge of a story. I don't rate any stories 10 either as no story is perfect.
Any story can be good if written well. Based on the synopsis and initial premise, it could've been an 8-9. The word bloodthirsty is out of place though.
If I were to compare this to other web novels, it is currently 6-7 possibly lower. I don't really like stat dump lit-rpgs and that is my personal taste. The world-building and prose weren't exceptionally impressive either.
Compared to all books that I have read I would rate ~3. This is comparing to works by the best authors who are professionals with many years of experience in their field. I'm basically comparing this to my favourite books and I rate the majority of novels 1-2 stars so I really am not saying much.
:blob_sweat:
 
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