Yo,
Here's my illustrated smut :
Warning: This fiction contains: Gore, Profanity, Sexual Content (18+ readers only!) What if an old strategy game turned into a full blown smut? or worse, an amateur fiction ruined with isekai tropes? Well, come and check this abomination of a story, a long format shitpost that will fry your...
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Prologue - introduce girls + preview of smut scene
Chapter1 - introduce protagonist slime
Chapter2 - introduce the standing of the protagonist within the hierarchy
Chapter3 - introduce smut abilities for the rest of the story
Chapter4 - introduce battle abilities of protagonist
Chapter5 - set up a mission (small arc conflict)
Chapter6 - Opening battle
Are those synopsis enough for you?
PS: I release chapters tuesday and saturday. Next smut scene is out tuesday
Alrighty time for the review I thought a lot about this so here's the disclaimer for anyone who reads this, these are simply my thoughts and not law, these are just things that I like and found flaws in, please take with a grain of salt.
First of all the good and honestly well thought out parts that I found.
The story is very original and well thought out, I like the idea of the story, the world building is solid not impressive but better than most will even try to do.
The smut is good and gets the message across for the most part so I think that's good.
The illustrations are well drawn and super clean and not just sketches so I love that about it.
Almost all the characters are well thought and not just there to screw the mc or worse just stereotypes to be there to fill out run time
The comedy is not great but it's not jarring or cringe inducing and there could be more physical comedy introduced.
The mc seems real and relatable and not some bland self insert mc sometimes, but not boring enough that the other characters seem miles more interesting than him and making me wait for them to get more screen(page?) time.
Now enough praise's it's time for me to address the major issues that can make or breaks the webnovel again take it with a grain of salt.
Story: Although the story is good it feels sorta forced at times not sure if you plan to spice it up, but there's nothing really special story wise to be perfectly honest. Everything was great until the slime came along which I'll get to in a minute, the problem comes from the predictably of some of the story when you realize that it's on it's way to a power fantasy.
Twists: Alright alright, yes I know you'd wonder what I mean by this some of the twists I was not expecting and not in wow this is great kind of way it was more of where the hell did that come from kind of like lol so random humor but not enough delivery for it to land. The problem I think are the build up and set up for the twists to feel natural and not like an ass pull move that was thrown in there at the last minute.
Description: The description is passable at best and barely enough for coherent story with feeling like some lines were ripped out for he hell of it, not the worst I've seen, but it needs more time for you to express the situation primarily the feeling of the characters in the given situation plus some others elements that will explain later.
Flow: Yes the flow is bad it's so so bad but not bad enough that I can't tell what's going on mostly, the flow is all over the place I don't know where the characters are or what's happening most of the time plus the character interactions seem forced at times like they only act because the plot demands that they do.
Smut: Yes in a smut webnovel I have problems with the smut. The problem is that all the sexual interaction seems forced or not well thought out like at all, which is not something you'd want in a story that is primarily smut. The smut seems irrational or unbelievable at times and not something even hentai will attempt I feel as if you warped the characters personality just so they could do smut acts given their Personality and the situation you put them in, there is no build up to the inevitable smut or desire from the girls so it feels like rape a d no the aphrodisiac just makes it worse since you didn't explain how it affects them.
Aphrodisiac: I have major problems with the aphrodisiac disguised as plot armor so slime mc can smut them, in my experience it's something that creators put in there to make sure the characters have something to blame while doing the act and a device for raping without a struggle not a good look for many reasons.
Power scaling: Ahh yes the one thing that I see most people struggle with especially professionals is power scaling, the difference in the characters power seems unreasonable or just written on the fly and is something you want to pay attention to.
Power fantasy: it's this early in and I can already smell the power fantasy off the toilet slime, it taste of cliches and rushing the story.
It's okay if this is a power fantasy I still find those a problem because it feels like they just make that because they only care about the mc doing cool stuff and gaining powers after doing next to zero training and no doing random stuff and increasing in power from it and winning most fights doesn't count as training or give me risen to believe that they deserve said power gain.
Dialogue: The dialogue felt really weird like I saw people who were kept in self isolation since birth and were now forced to converse with one another. Word of advice spouting hateful things at one another being petty, stupid, arguing or being a robot isn't how to write characters dialogue I'll give advice on what to do with their dialogue pattern in a moment.
Fight scenes: Like I said before needs more time to write out the description of the fights to have more of an effect rather than simply explaining what's going on, that isn't good enough and is sometimes confusing this is a book there needs to be a little more to it, also lengthen the fight from it, but don't draw it out.
The slime problem: Finally now I get to this part, now the mc feels unnecessary or like he was ham fisted into the plot with no substance and no I'm not talking about the conversation of going to the cave with the knolls I'm actually referring to how he was put on that narrative to go in the cave of the knolls with Violets forces his actions in the story so far were not interesting I'm invested in the other characters more than him cause he had nothing going for him and feels like another self insert power fantasy mc sometimes.
The fights he's son does seemed warn or right this early on it would have helped if explained the strength of the golem or if they had fighting experience before hand.
Then there's the smut problem for convenience let's just say not well structured and extremely forced and no like I said before the aphrodisiac doesn't improve the situation it just feels extremely lazy.
Milla vs Slade: This part saddened me deeply not only was it a little frustrating to read and felt rushed but felt like you didn't want to wait to go ham fist on the power fantasy I was expecting Slade to lose pretty easily then go again and still lose but last longer there by winning Milla's respect or let Milla lose due to a mistake on her part before getting a little more serious and had to be stopped by Shaki. This could've formed a rivalry with Milla and respect with both Shaki and Lorey.
The Goku/Naruto/kirito problem: Yes you read right your eyes haven't deceived you yet. The problem with power fantasies or rushed plot stories is what I would call this, it happens when a creator makes the mc too powerful or too important when there's no real reason for it they just sorta are and aren't at times for the sake of plot or worse the bleach move where the creator has written themselves into a corner and then decides to the laziest dumb thing ever, they do an ass pull of a move that they didn't even bother showing until this very specific moment or kirito/healing hero where they pull a bigger ass pull Where they take a completely useless skill that the mc leveled up from cleaning or something and now with it they are a god. Owotrucked I know that Slade isn't there yet, but I can sense so this is just here if you want to take it into consideration.
Characterization: Alright this one is not that big of a deal and not in your face but is something that people who critically analyse a series will notice. The characters are all well defined and great but can use some work cause at times it's just all over the place and some just feel like robots most of the time, I'm not sure if it's lack of discrimination or the forced computer simulated dialogue, but it just feels kinda off at times and this gets worse when a smut is around.
Alright now it's for what to do to improve on the series to make it better than it currently is in my opinion remember it's just my thoughts not the law.
Take sometime out to really express each second of the story so the reader doesn't feel lost or some lines are missing, narrate to yourself to see or invision it not with your original idea but just what's been written and see how it feels for you.
For the flow and fight scene take manga pages or anime fight scene and write it and submit either here or to a trusted friend and get feedback on it and the level of immersion they had with your version of it to the visual effect, also don't over do it.
Pull back on the smut, lengthen it, more description and make the situations more believable since the aphrodisiac is already there, you can use it to make the girls feel more pleasure and not to force them into smutty situations. For the smut situations let the girls have curiosity about the slime and sexually want him and not just go okay when he assaults them.
Be aware of your surroundings when you write situations I didn't realize this earlier but then I saw episode 8 and I was confused, you let Milla get fucked in a very dangerous position while her foot was being crushed without stating if the slime healed her or if her foot was now free. Be very aware of your surroundings and situations that the characters are in and the little details that you put in each situation this can ruin the immersion for most.
Pull back on the use/importance of the slime and how others view him, I noticed that you went ham on making him likable and endearing, I think, but for him to have such a big role in the series this early on is something you'd want to reconsider and also weaken him by alot plus give him some relatable traits that someone will have trying to adjust to a new life.
It would have been preferable to see him adjust to the new world have doubts about himself that affect his action while trying to please Violet try to communicate with others and try to find a way to fit in with lives of his new comrades.
For the aphrodisiac use only for the people Slade is intimate with to experience more pleasure and not as a gateway to the their crotch, that feels like you're trying to make smut, but didn't know how to do it, instead of magic love juice making them horny they can feel horny and want to try doing it with a slime no need for magic horny juice if they made the choice themselves. After feeding off of his slime nub it could excite them to go ahead with their horny action also don't let Slade force himself on them again.
For the characters and their dialogue write out each of the characters and put character traits for them that you think fits them and write dialogues and situations that would best fit them, beta test here if your not sure it's quite right.
For the story try to make it less forced and contrived and try to make things flow naturally or make characters do stuff for the sake of plot or give twist with no buildup (like the eye balls there was no reference that they might like caves or mining they were just sorta there outta nowhere.) It feels like things were just suddenly dropped on my lap with no warning also a little something to it like explain the reason why they are there more clearly, let them have a hatred for heroes, give them urgency to the situation, express the mental frustration they all feel or how each situation affects them.
Okay that's all for now might have more to say as the story progresses and I know not all of this implies to your book but it can help to keep some of these things in mind when making it.
