Sentences/Paragraphs Test and Edit

[LilTV1155]

Does not have Grammarly or whatever else. But want to ask peer their opinions about these.

Heavy criticism is ok. But please leave behind some suggestions of wording corrections or etc.

I want to eliminate repetitiions without affecting the story flow as much as possible.
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*Note: Paragraphs below are for introduction scene.
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A white lumpy rod shaped object flew out of the flaming light.

It has green phantom lines, red break lines, and a short yellow bar that appeared in the center of the spacecraft's body as the eye.

Then, the world was plunged into darkness when the last spark of brightness was extinguished.

The object fell to the bottom of the ocean with its red, green, and yellow glow.

Twelve metal wings emerged and unfolded from the object's four lumpy nozzles. It looked like a bizarre starfish or squid with twelve arms and yellow eye. Six wings were smaller than the others and connected to the larger ones via a membrane webbing.

On each small wing, there were six turbine propellers and two steering rudders.

Fftz.

The black sands shifted slightly as the object hovered over it. The object's yellow eye glowed like a guiding flashlight that illuminated the dark sea floor.

Two giant monoliths with glyphs that glowed like lava, stood in the far distance.

The object flapped its large wings and propelled itself toward the stone guardians of the deep.

A circle of strange runes laid between the monoliths.

The markings lit up as cyan liquid flowed through the canals toward the center from three triangular corners.

Tunk.

The circle was filled and sank deeper into a darker abyss. The starfish-like object dove after it.

 

[whitesculptor]

A white lumpy rod-shaped object flew out of the flaming light.

It has green phantom lines, red break stripes, and a short yellow bar that appeared in the center of the spacecraft's body as the eye.
(Here you can use stripes) or even:
It has green phantom lines that intertwine with red ones on the breaks.
Breaks/Base/Bottom, not entirely sure what spaceship breaks are supposed to look like but you can use one of those.

Then, when the last spark of brightness was extinguished, the world was plunged into darkness as the object fell to the bottom of the ocean with a mix of glows similar to the diverse colored strings from itself, in an addition to a golden tone.

Twelve metal wings emerged and unfolded from the object's four lumpy nozzles. It looked like a bizarre starfish or squid with many arms and multiple eyes. Half of them were smaller than the others and connected to the larger ones via a membrane webbing.

etc, etc, etc. Hope it helps!

 

[vaurwyn]

I'll preface my answer by saying I am a new writer myself, so I don't have much experience. I didn't really like your text, but I am not sure how much of that is just your style not aligning with my personal preference.

I found the paragraphs quite dry and descriptive, and it would have been better to use more emotive language and longer sentences.

Most of your text is "this is what is happening, the spaceship looks like that", which is not particularly riveting.

It has green phantom lines, red break lines, and a short yellow bar that appeared in the center of the spacecraft's body as the eye.

As an example of more emotive language, I would rewrite this sentence as something more like this :

"It's phantom green stripes and red vein-like break lines soon became it's only noticeable features, as they seemed to devour all the surrounding light. Then, as if empowered by the encroaching darkness, the spacecraft was suddenly bathed in haunting yellow light spilling from the opening central eye."

Of course, this is my own writing style, and I wrote it hastily, so I doubt you want to do it exactly like that. My point is, even in a description, there needs to be a sense of movement and dynamism. You need to enthrall them and appeal to their emotions. You are not a teacher explining how a spaceship works, you are a writer promising your readers a great adventure.

Also, try not to repeat the word "line" twice in the span of four words. As for using bar as a synonym, this might be subjective, but it feels mundane and out of place. I think using "slit" would work better, especially if it is related to an eye.

I have no clue as to what the green lines are. Are they horizontal or vertical, are they big or small, how many are there? You are giving me details, but I don't know where to place them in my mental picture. I don't know what breake lines are, but I assume that this qualifier should have let me know more about where these lines are, so it would be best if you did something similar to your green lines.

Then, the world was plunged into darkness when the last spark of brightness was extinguished.

I can't really explain why, but I think "Then, the last spark of brightness was extinguished, plunging the world into darkness" sounds much better than the alternative. Perhaps because it follows cause and effect more closely? Also, talking about a last spark only make sense if the lack of light was previously established.

The object fell to the bottom of the ocean with its red, green, and yellow glow.

Again, don't be so descriptive. Make us feel something, and grab our attention. If you still want to do it, it might be best to save detailed descriptions to when the reader is already invested in the story, instead of as an introduction.
"Soon, even the unearthly glow of the vessel abated as it slowly sunk into the ocean's icy depth, and no trace of it was left."

Twelve metal wings emerged and unfolded from the object's four lumpy nozzles. It looked like a bizarre starfish or squid with twelve arms and yellow eye. Six wings were smaller than the others and connected to the larger ones via a membrane webbing.

On each small wing, there were six turbine propellers and two steering rudders.

Once again, we readers generally don't care that much about the specific details of the appearance of everything. It doesn't do much to progress the story. It can be valuable if it creates an atmosphere, and in my examples I was trying to evoke a creepy/haunting feeling in the reader, but as a standalone whether the spacecraft has twelve metal wings or if it uses a sci-fi anti-gravity reactor.

Fftz.

I personally don't care for written sound effects, but I think that is just a subjective preference.

That's all I got for now. I hope my comment helps, but remember that the most important thing is that you like what you write, not that some strangers on the internet do.

 

[LilTV1155]

I have a question about the use of emotive language. Isn't that style usually limited to characters that can express emotions, rather than the actual setting?

Because the introduction scene was supposed to be dark, grim, and eerie. I have tried looking up the internet for how to write emotive language instead of descriptive language for setting the background and locations. But so far, I haven't encountered any site?

 

[HappyVainGlory]

In terms of grammar, nothing's horrifically wrong. But in terms of story telling mechanics, you're a bit off base.

Your opening completely threw me off. I didn't know what the heck was going on. And the next sentence didn't help. Like, what the heck? A rod? 'Flaming' light? And now all of a sudden it's a spacecraft? What?

I get that you're going for an eldritch/alien vibe, but I think you tipped the scale too far. There's just too much going on that's not explained well enough for the average reader to want to stick around. Instead of coming off as alien, it comes off as 'I don't know what I'm describing.'

Here's how I would write it. Now, I'm not sure if this is exactly what you envisioned, but this is what I'm getting from what you've written:

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A burst of blinding light filled the sky. From within, a white object flew out. Lumpy, rod-like... ghostly green lines and vivid crimson lines ran along its surface. And at the tip, a short yellow bar marked the center, giving the appearance of an eerie eye.

The burst of light vanished, plunging the entire world into darkness.

The white object fell, landing into the ocean. Sinking, falling... within the pitch black, the only source of light was the three colors it emitted: red, green, and yellow. A soft glow.

A soft thud. The object reaching the bottom of the ocean.

It changed. Twelve metal wings unfolded from the object. Six were smaller than the others, connected by a membrane webbing. Altogether, it gave off the appearance of a bizarre starfish or squid with a single yellow eye.

The smaller wings shuddered, revealing that each contained a half dozen turbines and a pair of rudders.

*fftz*

The black ocean sands shifted as the object glided past, illuminated by light from the object's yellow eye.

In the distance, two monoliths loomed, covered in glyphs that glowed like lava.

The object flapped its larger wings, steering its body towards the monoliths.

A circle of strange runes flared to life between the monoliths. Cyan liquid traced across the surface and ran towards the center, flowing from canals at three triangular corners.

*tunk*

A low thud.

When the flow finished, the circle started to sink, falling into a deeper and darker abyss.

The object dove after it.

---

...I spent way too much time trying to wrack my head on how to rewrite this. There's just too much that you can see but I can't, and I'm 90% sure I added stuff you didn't have there.

But anyway, hope this helps.

For more resources, I suggest reading "How to Write a Sentence: And How to Read One" by Stanley Fish.

This may also be of assistance to you: Writing Notes

I have a question about the use of emotive language. Isn't that style usually limited to characters that can express emotions, rather than the actual setting?

Because the introduction scene was supposed to be dark, grim, and eerie. I have tried looking up the internet for how to write emotive language instead of descriptive language for setting the background and locations. But so far, I haven't encountered any site?

Emotive language isn't something that is limited to characters that can express emotions. It's just harder to do when you don't have a character since you have to rely on connotation of certain words to imply a mood instead of directly saying it.

As for how to actually do it... Er, it's hard. It requires you to have a really good handle on what words actually mean and what words imply. It's the difference between "he killed her" and "he ended her life". Both have the same result, and mean the same thing, but the first is more forceful than the second. That's more of an art, and something that you can only really pick up from going through a ton of examples. At least, I've never found a book that explained it satisfactorily.

 

[LilTV1155]

In terms of grammar, nothing's horrifically wrong. But in terms of story telling mechanics, you're a bit off base.

Your opening completely threw me off. I didn't know what the heck was going on. And the next sentence didn't help. Like, what the heck? A rod? 'Flaming' light? And now all of a sudden it's a spacecraft? What?

I get that you're going for an eldritch/alien vibe, but I think you tipped the scale too far. There's just too much going on that's not explained well enough for the average reader to want to stick around. Instead of coming off as alien, it comes off as 'I don't know what I'm describing.'

Here's how I would write it. Now, I'm not sure if this is exactly what you envisioned, but this is what I'm getting from what you've written:

---

A burst of blinding light filled the sky. From within, a white object flew out. Lumpy, rod-like... ghostly green lines and vivid crimson lines ran along its surface. And at the tip, a short yellow bar marked the center, giving the appearance of an eerie eye.

The burst of light vanished, plunging the entire world into darkness.

The white object fell, landing into the ocean. Sinking, falling... within the pitch black, the only source of light was the three colors it emitted: red, green, and yellow. A soft glow.

A soft thud. The object reaching the bottom of the ocean.

It changed. Twelve metal wings unfolded from the object. Six were smaller than the others, connected by a membrane webbing. Altogether, it gave off the appearance of a bizarre starfish or squid with a single yellow eye.

The smaller wings shuddered, revealing that each contained a half dozen turbines and a pair of rudders.

*fftz*

The black ocean sands shifted as the object glided past, illuminated by light from the object's yellow eye.

In the distance, two monoliths loomed, covered in glyphs that glowed like lava.

The object flapped its larger wings, steering its body towards the monoliths.

A circle of strange runes flared to life between the monoliths. Cyan liquid traced across the surface and ran towards the center, flowing from canals at three triangular corners.

*tunk*

A low thud.

When the flow finished, the circle started to sink, falling into a deeper and darker abyss.

The object dove after it.

---

...I spent way too much time trying to wrack my head on how to rewrite this. There's just too much that you can see but I can't, and I'm 90% sure I added stuff you didn't have there.

But anyway, hope this helps.

For more resources, I suggest reading "How to Write a Sentence: And How to Read One" by Stanley Fish.

This may also be of assistance to you: Writing Notes

Thank you!
But to help with the writing flow, should I ditch the grammar rules or should I put in a picture to help make the writing easier to understand?

 

[HappyVainGlory]

Thank you!
But to help with the writing flow, should I ditch the grammar rules or should I put in a picture to help make the writing easier to understand?

That depends. If it's something really hard to describe, it's probably better to toss in a picture and give the thing a name. That way you can just refer back to it and not waste time and space confusing yourself and the reader.

In terms of writing flow in general, you should only ditch the grammar rules once you understand them.

When you write, there are two levels. The first, and the foundation, is grammar. If you don't have a firm grasp on all of its rules, then you're going to have a rough time making things work. The second is like you said, flow.

I'm sure you don't need tips on how to improve grammar. There are a bajillion resources on that. I don't agree with about half of them, but then again, I know the rules well enough to break them.

For flow, you have to understand what the purpose of a sentence and a paragraph is.

Sentences are units of information. Paragraphs are just expanded sentences.

It's... kind of hard to explain?

Let's see... I'll try to make an example by building a simple sentence up so you get the idea.

It was dark, so I was scared.

It was dark. Since I couldn't see anything, I was scared.

It was pitch black. Dark enough that nothing was visible. And since I couldn't see anything, I was terrified.

It was pitch black. Darkness. A pure, persistent darkness that prevented even the spark of light. So I couldn't see. Even if I held up my hand in front of my face, I couldn't see a thing. I couldn't even tell if I was standing or sitting. If I was awake or asleep. And because of that, I was terrified. Terrified of what horrors could be lurking in the dark outside of my senses.

It was pitch black. Darkness. A pure, persistent darkness that prevented even the spark of light. So I couldn't see. Even if I held up my hand in front of my face, I couldn't see a thing. I couldn't even tell if I was standing or sitting. If I was awake or asleep. And because of that, I was terrified. Terrified of what horrors could be lurking in the dark outside of my senses. Of whether I was safe, or whether I was standing in front of monsters just waiting as they savored my dread before they struck.

Basically, each sentence in the paragraph links back to previous ones and builds up what's going on. That's the way I write though. I know that other people take a different approach, but I personally think this way is more fun to read. The reader isn't jumping all over the place trying to wrap their minds about what's happening, and they can be confident that each paragraph is a new bundle of things to digest.

Hope that helps too!

 

[LilTV1155]

Here's the imagery.

For Forward phase of Spaceship which was supposed to look like a 12 armed starfish/squid. I kinda failed the design there. But you get the idea.
Bigger wings flaps like fish fins.
Smaller wings turn to steer, dock, and shoot jets that push the space vessel forward.
When folded together like triangular pyramid, can use turbines in each small wing to allow for hovering and safer landing.
The lumps are ball joints which allows for 180 degree rotations, supposed to micmic hummingbird's wing flight pattern.

 

[LilTV1155]

@whitesculptor , @HappyVainGlory , How about this paragraph?
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Thump, thump
"Xhein."

In Old Kryptoms, "xhein" meant two.

The heartbeats and murmurs echoed through the grim darkness like a haunting melody of dissonant chords and restless statics.

Those fleshy noisemakers were the hearts of my brethen, bred in the same mold for war and slaughter.

Some of those hearts were cut and wrenched from the dissected fleshes and stuffed with blood pipes and wiry contraptions, in their glass confines.

The jars were filled to the brim of thick, putrid broth. Then the stolen hearts would beat once more and pump oxygen through the tubes while submerged in sustainable fluid.
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Their lifelines were silver threads with orange dots that fluttered and flowed, them sometimes squirmed into a tangled mess. The colors of each string were quickly thinning and it was made dull by the pain felt by their hosts.

But we cannot feel such pain.
We were bred in the same mold for war.
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Buk-buk, buk-buk
"Xan."

It meant three. Counting the heartbeats of my surviving kin was one of the best way to pass time, down in this hellhole.

Some of us were long driven to madness by the sounds of their own heartbeats and were disposed by the Dev.

But for others, it's what keep them sane.
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[whitesculptor]

@whitesculptor , @HappyVainGlory , How about this paragraph?
.
Thump, thump
"Xhein."

In Old Kryptoms, "xhein" meant two.

The heartbeats and murmurs echoed through the grim darkness like a haunting melody of dissonant chords and restless statics.

Those fleshy noisemakers were the hearts of my brethen, bred in the same mold for war and slaughter.

Some of those hearts were cut and wrenched from the dissected fleshes and stuffed with blood pipes and wiry contraptions, in their glass confines.

The jars were filled to the brim of thick, putrid broth. Then the stolen hearts would beat once more and pump oxygen through the tubes while submerged in sustainable fluid.
.
Their lifelines were silver threads with orange dots that fluttered and flowed, them sometimes squirmed into a tangled mess. The colors of each string were quickly thinning and it was made dull by the pain felt by their hosts.

But we cannot feel such pain.
We were bred in the same mold for war.
.
Buk-buk, buk-buk
"Xan."

It meant three. Counting the heartbeats of my surviving kin was one of the best way to pass time, down in this hellhole.

Some of us were long driven to madness by the sounds of their own heartbeats and were disposed by the Dev.

But for others, it's what keep them sane.
.

One of the things I noticed and to be fair that's how I started writing my own draft. It was from simple to short sentences, the way you're currently tackling the pen. And don't take this feedback wrongly, it is one of many styles one can go through. Experts consider it to usually fit light novel standards, so you can check references on how they do it, to further improve yourself in case you seek to do so.
Regarding the sentences, one thing I hate is word repetition example those hearts are used in three sentences in a row. Since you're going for a more poetic vibe, you could've as easily grabbed the word core and "pumping sound from within the chest" to replace heartbeats.
Adding unknown words often may lead to the reader having to memorize them so unless you really must have them, I don't recommend such use. To their origin, readers are lazy, in other words, you can imagine they not wanting to save that kind of information unless you keep reminding them over and over again. (May pay off may not.)
Related to the jars people usually give color to them, it further deepens their imagination towards it, the most common being "green containers"(to avoid repeating jars), or glass-colored whatever u want to call it.
"The colors of each string were quickly thinning and it was made dull by the pain felt by their hosts." I don't think this sentence is clear enough or perhaps my brain didn't capture its meaning.
It ends with pain, and right below you typed. "But we cannot feel such pain." I'd replace it with such cold/mortifying sensations.

Overall it's better than the last one. Again, cuz people are hella sensible nowadays, my criticism is just that, the text is good, and don't take any of it as a personal attack or something bullshit like that. Just here to lend a hand to the extent that I can.

 

[LilTV1155]

One of the things I noticed and to be fair that's how I started writing my own draft. It was from simple to short sentences, the way you're currently tackling the pen. And don't take this feedback wrongly, it is one of many styles one can go through. Experts consider it to usually fit light novel standards, so you can check references on how they do it, to further improve yourself in case you seek to do so.
Regarding the sentences, one thing I hate is word repetition example those hearts are used in three sentences in a row. Since you're going for a more poetic vibe, you could've as easily grabbed the word core and "pumping sound from within the chest" to replace heartbeats.
Adding unknown words often may lead to the reader having to memorize them so unless you really must have them, I don't recommend such use. To their origin, readers are lazy, in other words, you can imagine they not wanting to save that kind of information unless you keep reminding them over and over again. (May pay off may not.)
Related to the jars people usually give color to them, it further deepens their imagination towards it, the most common being "green containers"(to avoid repeating jars), or glass-colored whatever u want to call it.
"The colors of each string were quickly thinning and it was made dull by the pain felt by their hosts." I don't think this sentence is clear enough or perhaps my brain didn't capture its meaning.
It ends with pain, and right below you typed. "But we cannot feel such pain." I'd replace it with such cold/mortifying sensations.

Overall it's better than the last one. Again, cuz people are hella sensible nowadays, my criticism is just that, the text is good, and don't take any of it as a personal attack or something bullshit like that. Just here to lend a hand to the extent that I can.

Thanks for the feedback and criticism.
That paragraph (heart stuffs) give me some issues because I am trying to write from a character's perspective.

MC is in deactivated mode. He is trapped inside vat of sustainable fluid. He can't see or move, but can sense/feel "see" the aura / lifeline of other characters and "hear" other people's heart sounds.

 

[greyblob]

I have a question about the use of emotive language. Isn't that style usually limited to characters that can express emotions, rather than the actual setting?

Because the introduction scene was supposed to be dark, grim, and eerie. I have tried looking up the internet for how to write emotive language instead of descriptive language for setting the background and locations. But so far, I haven't encountered any site?

have you tried describing it from a character's prespective?

 

[LilTV1155]

have you tried describing it from a character's prespective?

Been trying really hard on that. It's just.... me having a hard time trying to put it into words.
But somehow drawings are the opposite, with just weaker impact?

 

[greyblob]

Been trying really hard on that. It's just.... me having a hard time trying to put it into words.
But somehow drawings are the opposite, with just weaker impact?

i think if you can draw it, you can describe it. try using very short and concise words. it doesn't have to be pretty at first, just functional - the bare minimum really. once you have a solid paragraph down, work on prettifying it.

 

[whitesculptor]

Thanks for the feedback and criticism.
That paragraph (heart stuffs) give me some issues because I am trying to write from a character's perspective.

MC is in deactivated mode. He is trapped inside vat of sustainable fluid. He can't see or move, but can sense/feel "see" the aura / lifeline of other characters and "hear" other people's heart sounds.

As long as he remains deactivated it stays third person which by all means should make the approach to write it easier.

 

[LilTV1155]

As long as he remains deactivated it stays third person which by all means should make the approach to write it easier.

So no 1st pov during that phase?

 

[whitesculptor]

So no 1st pov?

Exactly, at that point, the MC hasn't been presented yet thus it gives room for you to be creative in all possible ways from a narrator's perspective!

 

[LilTV1155]

Exactly, at that point, the MC hasn't been presented yet thus it gives room for you to be creative in all possible ways from a narrator's perspective!

Then what if the MC is still conscious while his body is stuck in deactivated mode the entire time?
For some reasons, his introduction story always get stuck in a blind man's perspective in the beginning.

 

[whitesculptor]

Then what if the MC is still conscious while his body is stuck in deactivated mode the entire time?
For some reasons, his introduction story always get stuck in a blind man's perspective in the beginning.

Till you present him, it's an unknown figure, it may or may not be there, Schrodinger cat theory. There are maybe one or two almighty book writers out there who start the plot through 2 or more characters and after some time or chapters, they introduce a passage or scenery for the MC that could have been there the entire time or not be presented.
This to enhance the idea of. "We as the readers only know what happens through what is narrated." So inside a room, x people can be there at the same time, but some might remain silent and later be brought for plot reasons. This can include a maid who usually solely serves tea, a spy under the table. or simply a guest that didn't talk the entire time during a conversation between two higher-ups.
But you can just keep things simple and describe the entire room/place he's at, during that time you can introduce an "evil doctor or alien character who's doing experiments, etc etc." This could make the reader think this one is the MC but in reality as you explain things, at some point, the MC awakens, the jar breaks, etc etc

 

[LilTV1155]

Till you present him, it's an unknown figure, it may or may not be there, Schrodinger cat theory. There are maybe one or two almighty book writers out there who start the plot through 2 or more characters and after some time or chapters, they introduce a passage or scenery for the MC that could have been there the entire time or not be presented.
This to enhance the idea of. "We as the readers only know what happens through what is narrated." So inside a room, x people can be there at the same time, but some might remain silent and later be brought for plot reasons. This can include a maid who usually solely serves tea, a spy under the table. or simply a guest that didn't talk the entire time during a conversation between two higher-ups.
But you can just keep things simple and describe the entire room/place he's at, during that time you can introduce an "evil doctor or alien character who's doing experiments, etc etc." This could make the reader think this one is the MC but in reality as you explain things, at some point, the MC awakens, the jar breaks, etc etc

Okay. Thank you very much!