Should I rework my Synopsis?

[Aiyoki]

The Synopsis of Crimson Fields as it stands now:

"I lost my job. You would think that the first thing I would do is go out and search for a new job right? Instead I blew the last of my rent money on a sketchy looking occult book, took it home, and used one of its summoning rituals. I’m single, so it goes without saying my intentions were impure but before you come to any perverted conclusions, you should know that the ritual I performed from that book did not exactly go as I’d expected it to. In fact I wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen. But something DID happen and I think I may have messed this one up big time…"

Thing is I'm 16 (17 if you don't count the 2 part chapter release) chapters in now and this synopsis really is just a "chapter 1" synopsis... I don't think it does the story justice anymore...

Thoughts?

 

[melchi]

Unless the most important part of the story is loss of a job then yes.

If occult rituals are the most important that should be the first part.

 

[K5Rakitan]

Yes, play with it and find something that makes more sense to you. I recommend including a question or three to entice the reader, and not a yes-or-no question but a more open-ended question.

 

[Placeholder]

Try cutting as much as you can from it, and see if it works better.

There's a certain lack of energy and drama in the sentences right now.

 

[greyblob]

a bit long but honestly it's not bad. i get a clear tone about the writing style and direction and the main character's disposition and mentality which is the purpose of a synopsis. though I'm not certain if this tone reflects the novel itself since I've not read it.

 

[sadeldritchcat]

It might be better if the synopsis gives readers an idea of the entire story instead of just the first chapter. If the story doesn't match up with the current summary, updating it could encourage more people to keep reading and discover what it's really about.

 

[mitkopom]

may be you need to re-phrase expected as it is repeating

not exactly go as I’d expected it to. In fact I wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen

Sugestion
not exactly go as I’d planned (hoped)(imagined)

May be you can connect this in a longer sentence as Sensei Hans.Trondheim recommends avoiding short sentences that break immersion

In fact I wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen. But something DID happen and I think I may have messed this one up big time…"

Suggestion

In fact I wasn’t actually expecting anything to happen, but something DID happen and I think I may have messed this one up big time…"

This line irks me: " but before you come to any perverted conclusions....."
It is a bit offending to the reader implying they are perverts or something??

Suggestion
Either cut the word perverted or replace it with another less offending one
but before you come to any conclusions.
or
but before you come to any wrong, (improper) (immodest) ( or may be another similar word as my English is not good) conclusions.


"Thing is I'm 16 (17 if you don't count the 2 part chapter release) chapters in now and this synopsis really is just a "chapter 1" synopsis... I don't think it does the story justice anymore..."

Overall the synopsis looks good to me, but if you think you need to add more to reflect your story better then additional sentence or two wont hurt much. May be as K5Rakitan suggested you end with a question that reaveals more of the plot but the same time adds mystery and suspense. That looks like a difficult task being High-end quality writing, though

 

[proxybaba]

After losing his job, the protagonist of this story decides to take a reckless gamble and purchase an occult book with the last of his rent money. With nothing left to lose, he performs a summoning ritual, not expecting anything. But something unexpected occurs during the ritual, and he realized he may have made a grave mistake.

When the protagonist loses his job, he makes a rash decision and purchases an occult book, using the last of his rent money. Despite not expecting anything to happen, he proceeds with a summoning ritual. However, the ritual goes awry, and something unexpected occurs. As the protagonist begins to experience strange and unexplainable events, he realizes he may have made a grave mistake.

I am no expert but a synopsis must be clean and short, describing what to expect

 

[Aiyoki]

Thank you for the suggestions.

Here's my revised synopsis:

I lost my job. You would think the first thing I would do is go out and search for a new job right? Instead I blew the last of my rent money on a sketchy looking occult tome, took it home, and used one of its summoning rituals. I admit, my intentions were impure at first, but the summoning ritual I performed from that book did not exactly go as i imagined. There's nothing magical about the world I live in so I wasn't expecting anything to happen, but somehow the ritual reenactment was successful and it dragged me out of my body and into a fantastical world I only ever thought could exist in stories or video games. I know I need to figure out a way to reverse this bizarre transfer of souls, but how can I do that when the demon I swapped with is the one who has the book I used?