Simple 500 word First Chapter. Looking for Feed back
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Snowyflakes
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Hi!
I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind. I also want to mention that I've read both chapters.
Chapter 1
Technicalities
From a reader's point of view
Chapter 2
Technicalities
From a reader's point of view
Final thoughts about everything - While the story may be interesting, with a strong plot and strong characters, there are a few elements that lack attention. One of the biggest flaws is the absence of descriptions of the characters' feelings. I pointed out other things above.
I will tell you my opinion, splitting it into two: technicalities (grammar, phrasing, and so on) and from a reader's point of view (mixed with some knowledge as a writer). However, I want to mention that English is my second language, so keep that in mind. I also want to mention that I've read both chapters.
Chapter 1
Technicalities
There are certain places in which you've missed one letter of a word. It's nothing too vital, but I wanted to mention this so you can quickly edit it.
Here:
I don't understand the point of this. You used horizontal lines to mark the beginning and the end of the notes. So it is fine without this line. Or you meant something I couldn't grasp?
Here:
Maybe you can explain this as an action made by the character? Or is there a meaning behind this that I couldn't grasp?
Here:
I don't understand the point of this. You used horizontal lines to mark the beginning and the end of the notes. So it is fine without this line. Or you meant something I couldn't grasp?
Here:
Maybe you can explain this as an action made by the character? Or is there a meaning behind this that I couldn't grasp?
From a reader's point of view
In my perspective, everything that happens reveals the motivation behind the MC's goal. Which is not bad.
The flow of action is good. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.
Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could get a hint of how bad things are in the world he lives in and how bad his situation is. And also that he is lonely.
Characters - He seems to be determined, traumatized, and calm. That sort of calm in which he just does things because he has to, not because he is in pain or something.
Descriptions - The descriptions were minimal. I don't think that you should change them (to add more descriptions of the place the character is in). However, maybe it would help if you wrote more about his feelings. It would make me, as a reader, understand him better. At this point, I could only guess what he felt.
Opening/ ending - The opening was brutal, but it made me, as a reader, curious about what the meaning of the box was, which is a big +. The ending was ok. But due to the calm atmosphere of the whole chapter, it doesn't make me curious about what will happen next.
The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.
Final thoughts - The beginning is strong regarding what actually happens. The box, the head, the character's notes. However, it lacks the feeling of something. I will repeat myself and say that maybe if you add a few paragraphs about the character's feelings, it would change the whole dynamic.
The flow of action is good. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.
Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I could get a hint of how bad things are in the world he lives in and how bad his situation is. And also that he is lonely.
Characters - He seems to be determined, traumatized, and calm. That sort of calm in which he just does things because he has to, not because he is in pain or something.
Descriptions - The descriptions were minimal. I don't think that you should change them (to add more descriptions of the place the character is in). However, maybe it would help if you wrote more about his feelings. It would make me, as a reader, understand him better. At this point, I could only guess what he felt.
Opening/ ending - The opening was brutal, but it made me, as a reader, curious about what the meaning of the box was, which is a big +. The ending was ok. But due to the calm atmosphere of the whole chapter, it doesn't make me curious about what will happen next.
The pacing - The pacing was consistent, not too fast or too slow, making the entire action flow naturally.
Final thoughts - The beginning is strong regarding what actually happens. The box, the head, the character's notes. However, it lacks the feeling of something. I will repeat myself and say that maybe if you add a few paragraphs about the character's feelings, it would change the whole dynamic.
Chapter 2
Technicalities
I don't know how to say it without sounding harsh. I don't understand why you don't use paragraphs of a few sentences that are related rather than writing each sentence on a different row. If you have paragraphs, it would be easier to read and would look cleaner. Hopefully, it will make sense.
Also, there were a few places where a comma was missing.
And another thing that I want to mention is the inconsistency of using italic formatting. Because here:
I think that he thinks this. While here:
I don't understand why the first sentence is in italics. The second one makes me believe you use italic formatting to write what the MC is hearing. So, in the end, I am confused about it.
Here:
I mention this because it can cause confusion and looks as if your work lacks in quality. Without "...", I, as a reader, can't understand if he says it out loud or if he thinks it. Maybe you can say it like this: "I have to leave this place. I already took too long here," thought / said Liam while he hesitantly picked up the Ice create.
And there are many sentences like this.
Here:
Again, the problem here is that I, as a reader, can only guess what the character is feeling and doing as he thinks or says this.
Here:
It would suffice to say that he began to choke. Or, maybe I don't understand what you mean.
Here:
I understand what you want to say, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: "A voice inside his mind shouted vigorously at him to run as his life was at stake."
Here:
I don't understand what this is. Did someone say it, or was it his thought?
Also, there were a few places where a comma was missing.
And another thing that I want to mention is the inconsistency of using italic formatting. Because here:
I think that he thinks this. While here:
I don't understand why the first sentence is in italics. The second one makes me believe you use italic formatting to write what the MC is hearing. So, in the end, I am confused about it.
Here:
I mention this because it can cause confusion and looks as if your work lacks in quality. Without "...", I, as a reader, can't understand if he says it out loud or if he thinks it. Maybe you can say it like this: "I have to leave this place. I already took too long here," thought / said Liam while he hesitantly picked up the Ice create.
And there are many sentences like this.
Here:
Again, the problem here is that I, as a reader, can only guess what the character is feeling and doing as he thinks or says this.
Here:
It would suffice to say that he began to choke. Or, maybe I don't understand what you mean.
Here:
I understand what you want to say, but it is not totally clear. Maybe you can rephrase it like this: "A voice inside his mind shouted vigorously at him to run as his life was at stake."
Here:
I don't understand what this is. Did someone say it, or was it his thought?
From a reader's point of view
In my perspective, the story is fine, but some details are missing, and this confused me a bit.
The flow of action is ok. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.
Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I understood that the MC was in some sort of jail. Or a room to which others had easy access. And that some prince wants to harm him.
Characters - The first time you named the character Kenu, then you said something happened to Ken. I wondered who Ken was since you continued to name him like this. Besides this, he seems arrogant and wants to prove something by capturing the MC.
Descriptions - The descriptions were again minimal. And I say this again: maybe it would help if you wrote more about the characters' feelings.
Opening/ ending - The opening was ok. You moved to the action of the story, which is fine. The ending, however, didn't make me want to read more. The descriptions of the characters' feelings are missing. That would have made me feel the risky and tense situation in which the MC was.
The pacing - The pacing was consistent, which is ok.
Final thoughts - Because there was no description of the character's feelings, all the scenes felt flat. Although the story may be good due to its plot, this little element doesn't make me, as a reader, curious about what else may happen.
The flow of action is ok. I liked the fact that you had continuity while moving from one scene to another.
Worldbuilding - From the information you gave in this chapter, I understood that the MC was in some sort of jail. Or a room to which others had easy access. And that some prince wants to harm him.
Characters - The first time you named the character Kenu, then you said something happened to Ken. I wondered who Ken was since you continued to name him like this. Besides this, he seems arrogant and wants to prove something by capturing the MC.
Descriptions - The descriptions were again minimal. And I say this again: maybe it would help if you wrote more about the characters' feelings.
Opening/ ending - The opening was ok. You moved to the action of the story, which is fine. The ending, however, didn't make me want to read more. The descriptions of the characters' feelings are missing. That would have made me feel the risky and tense situation in which the MC was.
The pacing - The pacing was consistent, which is ok.
Final thoughts - Because there was no description of the character's feelings, all the scenes felt flat. Although the story may be good due to its plot, this little element doesn't make me, as a reader, curious about what else may happen.
Final thoughts about everything - While the story may be interesting, with a strong plot and strong characters, there are a few elements that lack attention. One of the biggest flaws is the absence of descriptions of the characters' feelings. I pointed out other things above.
Gryphon
The One who has the Eyes
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Theres a good bit that you need to touch up on to make it better. First off, there's practically no emotion in the text, and the emotion you attempt to convey in the writing is told instead of shown. I know that may sound wierd, but I'll give an example.
From your writing: Removing his war-torn, permanently battle damaged hands from his pockets, he smacked himself. To mask his fatigue with pain, he does it again.
The first sentence is alright. In fact, I wouldn't have even included the second sentence myself, but in your end you had to. Instead of telling the reader that the MC is fatigued, you should describe his actions in the writing which you didn't do until that sentence, forcing you to write in the context of why he's smacking his face. That creates a sort of domino affect. hindering your writing.
What you should do is describe the MC doing stuff that indicates he's tired and hurt. Maybe describe the hands in detail instead of saying war-torn. How war-torn are they? Are there some bruises and cuts, or are they mangled beyond recognition? Go into detail. If you add at least 500 more words to this chapter, that alone would help you out.
Then there's the overuse of phrases like "He then" and "He began." I did this a lot when I first began writing myself, so listen to me when I say for you to toss out those phrases altogether. Instead of saying: He then pulls a pen from his right pocket and retrieves a book inside his coat. Get rid of the then, and also get rid of right while we're at it. and make it into: He pulls a pen from his pocket and retrieves a book from inside his coat.
Getting rid of those words makes the sentence flow a million times better. Although I do say to add detail, you should also get rid of detail when the detail wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If you describe the MC's hands more, we can learn more about how badly he's wounded, but knowing what pocket he gets his book from is overall useless.
I don't mind the journal all that much except the forced exposition about the death of his father. There's better ways to give away those details without feeling forced. Maybe compare the look of the decapitated head and the MC, which accomplishes two things. It describes the MC's looks while also building up the importance of the head. Then reveal the head was his father's at the very end.
Overall, there's potential here. As long as you keep what I said in mind, you can easily get better.
From your writing: Removing his war-torn, permanently battle damaged hands from his pockets, he smacked himself. To mask his fatigue with pain, he does it again.
The first sentence is alright. In fact, I wouldn't have even included the second sentence myself, but in your end you had to. Instead of telling the reader that the MC is fatigued, you should describe his actions in the writing which you didn't do until that sentence, forcing you to write in the context of why he's smacking his face. That creates a sort of domino affect. hindering your writing.
What you should do is describe the MC doing stuff that indicates he's tired and hurt. Maybe describe the hands in detail instead of saying war-torn. How war-torn are they? Are there some bruises and cuts, or are they mangled beyond recognition? Go into detail. If you add at least 500 more words to this chapter, that alone would help you out.
Then there's the overuse of phrases like "He then" and "He began." I did this a lot when I first began writing myself, so listen to me when I say for you to toss out those phrases altogether. Instead of saying: He then pulls a pen from his right pocket and retrieves a book inside his coat. Get rid of the then, and also get rid of right while we're at it. and make it into: He pulls a pen from his pocket and retrieves a book from inside his coat.
Getting rid of those words makes the sentence flow a million times better. Although I do say to add detail, you should also get rid of detail when the detail wouldn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If you describe the MC's hands more, we can learn more about how badly he's wounded, but knowing what pocket he gets his book from is overall useless.
I don't mind the journal all that much except the forced exposition about the death of his father. There's better ways to give away those details without feeling forced. Maybe compare the look of the decapitated head and the MC, which accomplishes two things. It describes the MC's looks while also building up the importance of the head. Then reveal the head was his father's at the very end.
Overall, there's potential here. As long as you keep what I said in mind, you can easily get better.
omg i totally believe u about the " I did this a lot when I first began writing myself, so listen to me when I say for you to toss out those phrases altogether." Because I noticed that I subconsciously started to remove the "then" and just right into it.
Thanks for all ur criticism I just wanted to point that out. Ill give a full response when I wake up
Thanks for all ur criticism I just wanted to point that out. Ill give a full response when I wake up
Thanks for all ur criticism Ill give a full response when I wake up but I would appreciate tips on writing a stoic character. One that doesnt talk much or show his emotions. One that tries to stay as calm as possible in all situations
Snowyflakes
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In my opinion, the best way to write such a character is to explain the reasons for his actions and to say what else he is doing. Because, even though he is calm and composed, he does something. He moves his head to the side, he narrows his eyes, he tightens his lips, you name it.
Examples:
"As the other man shouted and punched the wall, he followed his every move with indifference."
Or
"As the other man shouted and punched the wall, he raised his head to look at him without saying a word."
"Despite the tense situation, he remained unshakable, almost as if he wasn't even there. But this was natural for him. After all, his patience was well trained in all those painful years of constantly running for his life."
However, in order to do so, you must know very well the reasons for his behavior. Why is he like this? What caused him to be like this? What happened to him before (his background that you are not telling us now or never gonna tell us) and added up constantly that made him be like this now (when you tell us the story)?
And I assumed there would be reasons for his actions because your story led me to believe so (along with my knowledge). Even though a person is calm because that is his or her temperament from birth, when his father (your character) is the only person standing by him and dies, no one would remain calm. Even if he hated his father, the frustration of being left completely alone would make him cry, scream, clench his fists, you name it.
I hope this will be helpful to you and that it makes sense.