Story feedback if you have the time.

Zoey

Mustachu
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Oct 21, 2019
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Mind reading my story and giving me your thoughts on it.
I'm super nerves to share my story:sweating_profusely:, but there isn't much point to writing it if no one reads it.

Edit: I deleted this so lurkers couldn't look at it.

I'm going to post this and hope for the best.
 
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Myewphi

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its a good start, however i do recommend running this through a spellchecker and perhaps a grammar checker, or maybe finding someone to help edit it for you.

Good luck with your story!
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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Mind reading my story and giving me your thoughts on it.
I'm super nerves to share my story:sweating_profusely:, but there isn't much point to writing it if no one reads it.
Chapter 1

Thank you.​


Waking up buried in blankets in a warm bed after waking up cold and soaked for the past three weeks was, simply put, quite nice. As for where I am or who took me here, that can likely be answered by the carramal woman sleeping by my bedside. Shaking her shoulders I watch as she rouses and looks at me, slowly blinking.


After yawning she says. “Oh, you’re awake that good, are you hungry I can grab something for you.”


I Nod and she heads out and comes back with a bagel. I snarf down the bagel as she hands me a cup of water which is gone just as fast.


“If your feeling up to it you can use the shower, you don’t exactly smell pleasant.” she says with a grin.


Nodding again I get off the bed to follow and realise she’s tall, well everyones tall to me, but she’s like three heads taller than me. And a lot more intimidating standing up. When we arrive in the bathroom she leaves and I release a breath I didn’t know I was holding. Disrobing I glance in the mirror to see the same long black hair I’m used to, the only new thing being grey eyes staring back at me. Well this wasn’t getting me anywhere so hop in the shower, and boy was it a nice shower, it feels like I haven’t showered in weeks, probably ‘cause I haven’t, but nice showers are nice showers regardless of the details.


Once I finish drying off I find some clothes she probably left for me, all to big of course but understandable considering she’s a giant, the pants won’t work but the t-shirt is big enough to be a dress so I head out, even though I look ridiculous. In the living room kitchen thing, I find a sleeping giant on the couch, or I think it’s really a love seat but a couch is a couch. I’m guessing it’s late as the sun seems to have already set, it would probably be rude to wake her. I should also get her name when she’s awake, and get her a blanket as well, we got are first snow yesterday. So after digging through a closet and getting us both a blanket I drape it over her and curl up myself on the one seater to take a nap.


Chapter 2

A Home.​


Roused by smell of sizzling hash browns, I rub my eyes to see Ms. Giant cooking in the kitchen. Hash browns drenched in way too much ketchup sounds great right now, it also sounds extremely unhealthy but I don’t really care.


“Breakfast will be done in a minute, so why don’t you brush your teeth in the meantime.” she says, having notice my stretching, “There should be some unopened once in the medicine cabinet.”


Following her suggestion, I head for the bathroom were just like she said there were three unopened toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. Brushing my teeth is nice, it feels as if I haven't in weeks, that’s probably ‘cause I haven’t.


Back in the kitchen Ms. I need to get her name, has set out two plates filled with hash browns and scrambled eggs. She gestures to the chair next to her and I sit, feeling a bit apprehensive about it, I grab the katchup giving myself a more than modest helping.


By the time we finished we haven’t exchanged a word, only quick glances. I really need to at least ask her name but how do I bring it up, do I just go “Oh, hay what's your name.” but that just sounds forced and awkward, maybe I should first thank her and then ask her name.


Interrupting my stupor she says, “So hay what's your name, I can get you some paper if you’d prefer that.”


Flapping my mouth open I try to articulate my name, she hands me her phone with a notepad open. After typing my name and handing it back she looks at it before saying.


“Nova, that's a fun name, I’m Themba encase your wondering.” she says, with a smile.


“T-themba,” I mutter, “thank you.”


A hand lands on my head as I look over to a blurry Themba.


“Not problem Nova, you can stay at my place as long as you need.” she says wiping away my tears.


Chapter 3

She was crying too.​


Themba drew me into a hug as my tears turned into sobs. She’s giving me what I’ve been missing, a home, even if it’s only temporary. She’s been so kind to me for no reason, fed me, dressed me, and given me a home.


“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I repeated, burying myself deeper in her chest, as she pulls me closer.


“Sh, sh, It’s alright sweety.” she cooed. Her hand playing with my hair.


“I-I can stay?” I choked out.


“Yes as long as you need, Nova.” she said, pushing me back and looking me in the eyes. She was crying too.


“You don’t even need to ask, you’re always welcome.” she says with a smile as she wipes my tears before hers. “Though, I had some plans for us today so can you let me clean the dishes.”


“Plans?”


“Yes, to get you some proper clothes.” she says motoning to what I’m wearing, a large t-shirt. “So sit on the couch while you wait.”


While I’m reluctant to leave Themba’s warm hug I eventually curl up on the couch with last night’s blanket.

I'm going to post this and hope for the best.

I have no idea why you are using chapter for what are essentially sections, but that is style. So, what is this story supposed to be? Slice of life probably, right? Because I have the feeling that it will lack plot and lead into nowhere.
 

Zoey

Mustachu
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I have no idea why you are using chapter for what are essentially sections, but that is style. So, what is this story supposed to be? Slice of life probably, right? Because I have the feeling that it will lack plot and lead into nowhere.
I was using chapters so I could have titles, and yes it's a slice of live that goes no where.

Edit: I was writing this for fun so I haven't really thought about the plot much
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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I was using chapters so I could have titles, and yes it's a slice of live that goes no where.

Edit: I was writing this for fun so I haven't really thought about the plot much

That makes senses. So, it is a collection of short stories, or rather short paragraphs?

And the plot. You can do without a plot, but what is then even the underlying sense of your story? Writing just for fun? In that case you can also publish a diary.
 

HURGMCGURG

That Guy
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This is really weird. Needs more description of the actual location.
Also, the grammar is pretty bad. Fix your run on sentences in your dialogue, people don't talk like that.
 

Zoey

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This is really weird. Needs more description of the actual location.
Also, the grammar is pretty bad. Fix your run on sentences in your dialogue, people don't talk like that.
In the first version of the story I felt I explained the location to much so I guess I was compensating and didn't explain it enough in this version. :blob_melt:
And ya the grammar is pretty bad, I'm assuming getting someone to proof read it will let me better tackle that.
Thanks Gramps. :blob_evil_two:
 
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Zoey

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And the plot. You can do without a plot, but what is then even the underlying sense of your story? Writing just for fun? In that case you can also publish a diary.
The general idea behind the story was the main character growing to feeling less insecure, with some supernatural elements to spice it up. The supernatural stuff I've been slowly weeding out because it was adding nothing to the story. I'll probably just get rid of it in the next version.

Edit: And the main character currently feels like a really bad OC and that makes me die on the inside a little.
 
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Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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The general idea behind the story was the main character growing to feeling less insecure, with some supernatural elements to spice it up. The supernatural stuff I've been slowly weeding out because it was adding nothing to the story. I'll probably just get rid of it in the next version.

A growing-up story then? Fair enough, but I recommend you strongly a certain overarching theme, insecurity seems valid, otherwise your story will fall apart sooner or later. Writing for fun won't cut in the long run unless you want to leave behind a ruin. You need some kind of glue to keep the chapters coherent and together, like a continuous flow of information instead of separated pieces.

And I assume English is not your first language, right?
 

Zoey

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A growing-up story then? Fair enough, but I recommend you strongly a certain overarching theme, insecurity seems valid, otherwise your story will fall apart sooner or later. Writing for fun won't cut in the long run unless you want to leave behind a ruin. You need some kind of glue to keep the chapters coherent and together, like a continuous flow of information instead of separated pieces.

And I assume English is not your first language, right?
Yes I've seen stories fall apart, it's sad.
So I need a plan if I don't want this story to turn into dog shit.

I wish I could say English isn't my first language but it is. I just didn't like English class as a kid and it caught up to me pretty quick. Which sucks because I love to write now, even if I'm not that good at it. :blob_melt:
 
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Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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Yes I've seen stories fall apart, it's sad.
So I need a plan if I don't want this story to turn into dog shit.

I wish I could say English isn't my first language but it is. I just didn't like English class as a kid and I caught up to me pretty quick. Which sucks because I love to write now, even if I'm not that good at it. :blob_melt:

Good luck. Maybe I will read your story some day then. :blob_reach:

Of course after you had read mine.
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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But of course. :blob_wink:

Do ut des.

Do ut facias.

Facio ut facias.

Actus legitimus consacratus deis benevolentibus sicut pactum legitimum consacratum in totalitate sanguine nostro. :blob_evil_two:

The pact was sealed with magic now.
 

Assurbanipal_II

Empress of the Four Corners of the World
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But of course. :blob_wink:

Btw, :blob_reach: I hope you realise that the consequences of a breach of this magic contract are either poverty, impotence, or death depending on the severity of the infringement. So, don't worry.
 
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