The Official Unofficial Short Section Review and Feedback Thread!

[Deeprotsorcerer]

Howdy. Do you have a little snippet of your WiP(work in progress) that you're unsure about? Do you want some of your fellow writers' (or your prospective readers') eyes on it so they can tell you to stop before it's too late, or stroke your ego enough for you to write the rest of your freaking chapter?

Well this thread is for you.

Post no more than three paragraphs at a time of your WiP here and I/anyone else who cares will judge you and hopefully, provide tips and laser-focused feedback.

I shall offer the first sacrifice:

So eager was the mass of undead to get in that pus slicked fingers and clumps of skin sloughed through the space between the frame and the doors, creating a growing putrid pool of gods knew how many diseases. The first whole zombies to break through fell forward under the weight of their kin, stymying the rest as they were trampled, the Radiant Crux and their cohorts didn’t waste the opportunity.

Edit: this might be in the wrong subfourm... tasukete?!

 

[Zirrboy]

Edit: this might be in the wrong subfourm... tasukete?!

You will probably see your thread magically moved in a bit.
But nothing you can do.

As for the thing itself: Might have been about time someone kicks off another review/feedback thread, since most of the older ones started dropping.

Then again, Trinary seems to be back at it

 

[Generic.Archdemon]

I shall offer the first sacrifice:

..


It's the weekend to Ok, I'll play \o/.

I think it works well enough... it's part of a bigger whole so any suggestion could be good or bad depending on how it fits in the bigger picture. BUT if you wanna experiment...

My thoughts


"The first whole zombies to break through fell forward"
use of the word 'Break' felt to me too.... clean or "hard", it losses some of the viscera to me in emotional terms

So eager was the mass of undead to get in that pus slicked fingers and clumps of skin sloughed through the space between the frame and the doors

gelatinous mass

creating a growing putrid pool of gods knew how many diseases

Swamp like goop

The first whole zombies to break through fell forward under the weight of their kin,

Force

stymying the rest as they were trampled,

Force++ Stampede

the Radiant Crux and their cohorts didn’t waste the opportunity.

The "turn"

I wonder if you expanded on the usage of the words "Break" and "Trampled" the feel or aesthetics of the "liquidness." could be amplified.

"The first zombies to burst through fell forward under the weight of their kin. The rest of the horde poured out, tripping and falling on the limbs of the fallen as they clogged up the entrance in a grotesque pile for putrified bodies, the Radiant Crux and their cohorts didn’t waste the opportunity."


Less punchy... but grosser...


P.S
Humble Brag: as an English as a second lang person, I have never scored so high in Grammarly

Spoiler

 

[Agentt]

~.~)
I've put this in my watch list, I shall come back after recovery from the other thread i made

 

[Cipiteca396]

the Radiant Crux and their cohorts didn’t waste the opportunity.

This needs to be its own paragraph, or at least its own sentence.

 

[Generic.Archdemon]

This needs to be its own paragraph, or at least its own sentence.

nods.

I also contemplated, what if instead of saying they didn't waste the opportunity. Just say what that actually did like, "they eat lunch" or " they filed their tax returns" but I was reluctant to suggest that not knowing what happens in the next paragraph.

 

[Deeprotsorcerer]

I wonder if you expanded on the usage of the words "Break" and "Trampled" the feel or aesthetics of the "liquidness." could be amplified.

Yes. Yes, that will do nicely, this line of advice and the tweaks you suggested will amplify the imagery quite a bit, I think.

This needs to be its own paragraph, or at least its own sentence.

Now that I'm looking at it, I agree.

Y'all have my appreciation. I've called upon your assistance, so feel no shame or hesitance in calling upon mine in turn. Or anyone for that matter, I want to sink my teeth in some words.