This is my very first chapter, need feedback if it’s good

Is it good?

  • Yes

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • No

    Votes: 2 40.0%
  • Alright

    Votes: 3 60.0%
  • Perfect!

    Votes: 0 0.0%

  • Total voters
    5

SushiShon

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BEEP BEEP BEEP*

'Nooooooo' I complain to myself after waking up to such a horrific sound. Covering myself with my purple blanket, I close my eyes while grumbling about how important sleep is.

*BEEP BEEP BEEP*

*Sigh* Finally getting out of my bed, I turn off my alarm and look at myself in the mirror on my door. I was an ordinary brown haired, brown eyed dude. Around 5'11", I was what they would call average. I had some muscle, but that was all on wrists from writing and typing. Which is basically nothing. The only thing to be proud of was my delicious looking toes. I say that because they look like Cheeto puffs. Oh yeah, I also have name. Inigo is what my parents named me.

Honestly, I think it's a pretty cool name. It makes me feel like a majestic bird that screeches in the middle of the night. Which is why I am so proud of it.

After looking at my mirror for an unknown time, I walk into my bathroom and took a shower, brushed my perfectly not yellow teeth, and stared at my delicious toes. After that, I got dressed and made some breakfast for myself.

While eating my breakfast, I thought about how much I didn't want to go to work today. I work at Barns & Nobles, usually updating the storage logs. It isn't fun but it's a lot easier than what I have to do today. Today, I have to re-write all the storage logs. I mean, it would be easy to some people but there are just SO MANY BOOKS.

After finishing breakfast, I got up and walked out of my apartment.

Slowly adjusting to the brightness of the sun, I looked around and noticed a pigeon flying past me.

All of the sudden I see this little white-ish raindrop falling towards me. Rather then get out of way, I just look at it. It's like this majestic thing that I've never seen before. It get's closer and closer until...

*SPLAT*

"GAAAHHH" I screech in disgust. The little white raindrop was pigeon poop.

"My eyes! My eyes! I can't see!" I shout as I walk into the middle of the road.

All of the sudden, I hear honking, then feel brutal pain, then darkness surrounds my sight even though I can't see anything from the pigeon poop.

'What a unique flavor for pigeon poop' was the last thought I had before I died.
 

binarysoap

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This is really short for a chapter, which also means it's hard to give feedback, especially without any context of what you are trying to accomplish.

I'm just going to assume that this is a setup for some kind of isekai (mainly because of being hit by automobile and dying cliche). If it is, a lot of the information is most likely extraneous and will never affect the story in anyway, and 99% of the readers will forget about by chapter 10.

The only thing memorable/unique here is dying via pigeon poop (and maybe the odd description of the MC's toes), but you could easily mention that in passing or have the character complain about it. Everything else is basically generic.

Without any other context, I would say you probably don't need this extremely short chapter and just go straight to whatever happens to the MC after he dies.
 

Veneko

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It's very clearly an isekai. And pigeon blast to the face is a novel way to die. Props for that.
In the mindset of a reader, the chapter leaves me with a lot of questions. Is it a comedy series? Will pigeons or birds play an important part of the story? The description of 'delicious toes' jumps out a lot.

As for advice: Ask yourself if the opening elements will matter in future chapters. Also, I believe you underwrote your chapter. You could add meaningful description that gives info on who the protagonist is. The look and feel of his apartment. How he got his job or how he got it. And why was he interested in the bird.

Can you post another chapter? Or an edit of this one?
 

aree

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Truck-Kun was here.

Jokes apart. There is flow in writing but it is not going anywhere. AND is too short to be the first chapter. Too much useless information.

My advice. You got fluid writing (Though small), but give the readers something to digest, otherwise they won't come next time.

Thank you. Let me know the name of the book. :giggle:
 

SushiShon

Active member
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Feb 19, 2020
Messages
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This is really short for a chapter, which also means it's hard to give feedback, especially without any context of what you are trying to accomplish.

I'm just going to assume that this is a setup for some kind of isekai (mainly because of being hit by automobile and dying cliche). If it is, a lot of the information is most likely extraneous and will never affect the story in anyway, and 99% of the readers will forget about by chapter 10.

The only thing memorable/unique here is dying via pigeon poop (and maybe the odd description of the MC's toes), but you could easily mention that in passing or have the character complain about it. Everything else is basically generic.

Without any other context, I would say you probably don't need this extremely short chapter and just go straight to whatever happens to the MC after he dies.
Truck-Kun was here.

Jokes apart. There is flow in writing but it is not going anywhere. AND is too short to be the first chapter. Too much useless information.

My advice. You got fluid writing (Though small), but give the readers something to digest, otherwise they won't come next time.

Thank you. Let me know the name of the book. :giggle:
Miotas :) Yeah, my writing is a work in progress. I'm trying to get better at describing what the surroundings of the MC are. It's definitely a work in progress.
 

aree

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Miotas :) Yeah, my writing is a work in progress. I'm trying to get better at describing what the surroundings of the MC are. It's definitely a work in progress
will be waiting.
 

Yiphen

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Okay, so I got a bit interested and tried writing a bit of it in my own way. Also I want to point out how in the title you said "need feedback if its good." Do you not want feedback if it's criticism? ( ._.)


*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
'Nooooooo' Whyyyyy... I need my sleep. Gimme my sleeeeppp. I try to scrunch myself deeper into the folds of my purple blanket, in hopes that the demon would go away.
*BEEP BEEP BEEP*
...
*BEEP BEEP-
Smack.
*CLATTER*
...
...
Much better~
...
Wait...
"Clatter?"
-OH WAIT NONONONO- I yank the bedsheets off my head to find batteries and my alarm clock lying on the floor, its back compartment popped off.
nononono...
I hastily tumble off, barely avoiding the desk beside my bed and try to pick everything up.
nonono... Please work. Please work. Please wor- *CLICK* yesss.
Yesss...

Thank god nothing was broken.

OOC: I wasn't actually sure what to do about the whole "edible-looking-toe" fetish this guy seems to have, so I stopped right before there.
 
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