yay. First thing I hear is people talking about how "light-hearted" I am with the theme
Is this sarcasm? What tone are you aiming for? It's not something you should let other people decide.
As for the story, in the first chapter everything feels a little rushed, and it's hard to tell who's talking. Try breaking up each speaker/thinker into their own paragraph so you can tell who's talking at a glance. Like this.
Want to Know the Biggest Secret in the Fiction Writing Industry? It's not the Plotting they use, the Characters, the Theme, the Settings, or anything else like that. It's the Sentence Structure. DISCLAIMER: This is how I was taught to structure dialogue for publication purposes -- by my...
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I never thought that she would turn out this cute, sure I’ve thought about if he were to become a girl but I didn’t think it would turn out to be true!’
This line is especially awkward to me. Why was she dating him if she wanted a girlfriend instead? If it's a personality thing, but 'it's just so unfortunate that he isn't a girl'; that leaves a bad taste in the mouth.
Having said all that, its very sweet, very much something I'd enjoy reading when I have nothing else to do. I'll maybe continue the next few chapters later.
Small Edit: Hmm, it very much leans into a weeb type of diction which is a huge negative for me personally. The second chapter does seem a little better at separating speakers, though.
Edit 2: But the POV keeps randomly switching as well. Not even just from character to character, but from third to first person. That definitely needs work.
