Thanks for the feedback.
I do like the idea of it being a bit shorter, I like some of how you arranged it, especially the first three sentences(not lines of text), really demonstrates something I lack, how to convey information in fewer words. I tend to be overly verbose.
Some things I don't like, just because they 'feel' like the fit exactly, to me, but that's with the bias of knowing the long term story, and not really knowable in the beginning. Which brings to mind another issue in summarizing I'm unsure about, when the words fit but don't convey an accurate tone. The part about coming at a price, and having to answer when called, while completely accurate wording, to me feels completely off in tone but I can't tell if it's just information bias or something else.
Also, something about the very last sentence, while the wording fits accurately, feels, weird in some way I can't put my finger on.
I can't count how many times I've rewrote sentences when editing chapters now because of stuff like that.
I definitely feel like the bit of information about not just 'knowing' the language is important because it seems an often handwaved away problem. But maybe it's not as important as I imagine? Though it will be a major element for the first bit of the story it will eventually be overcome. This is what I mean, how do you decide?!
***
Born a Man, but desperately wanting to be a beautiful Woman, Taylor was living an average life, at an average office job, saving money to achieve her dreams. Until she was Murdered.
Brutally murdered by a prejudiced group of people whose hate was fueled by transphobic rhetoric and misinformation, for simply trying to use the women's bathroom, her tormented spirit has an encounter with the so-called ‘Goddess of Death’ who identifies herself as Izanami.
Cautiously accepting an offer for a second life, where her heart's desire as a Woman will be granted, in exchange for serving Izanami in some as of yet unspecified way, Taylor finds herself transported to a new world where she’s become a ‘Vampiric Succubus’.
Some elements seem right out of an RPG game, others are ambiguous or more realistic, she has some powerful abilities, and a few ‘cheat’ type skills, accompanied by emotional trauma from her Murder. After succumbing to her emotions and putting herself in a vulnerable position she is forced to fight, killing for the first time while narrowly escaping the encounter.
This new world is not a game, she must learn to take it seriously if she wishes to survive. Dealing with her emotions, and reconciling her relationship with death, life, and love, while exploring a completely strange world, where despite her ‘cheat’ skills, she can’t speak, read, or write the language, until she learns it the hard way.
***
I’ve included your updated blurb, and I’ll explain the reasoning behind my edits.
I removed the part of her saving money because it’s not that important. Actually, in my version of the blurb, you can remove “long hours,” and it would fit better. We only need to know that she is working hard to fulfill her dreams; this includes: saving money, working on appearance, her lifestyle, etc. We know she is doing everything she can to fulfill her dreams—leave the details to the imagination in your blurb, flesh them out in your story.
Transphobic already implies they hold a prejudice. Their reasoning for being transphobic is not essential, nor should you share it in your blurb unless those characters themselves have any further role in the story.
Is Izanami the Goddess of Death or not? Unless one of your story’s central themes is uncovering Izanami’s identity, there is no reason to keep it vague. Uncertainty outside of a plot point you’re going to solve using concrete steps makes writing weak. In your blurb you need to take a stand. Your blurb should be sharp.
You introduce the world as having RPG elements, which implies a progression in skills, leveling, and power. The details of whether she has a cheat or unique ability, can speak the language or not, and has to kill should be fleshed out within the book itself.
We all have emotions, so you don’t need to tell us that Taylor does as well. Show the emotions she goes through when necessary based on her situation. You’ve already stated that she is traumatized by her murder, and as humans, we can understand how much it would affect her.
Anyways, that’s my reasoning behind the edit. Of course, I’m not telling you to accept the reasons, nor am I pushing you to change anything. You can pick and choose whatever you like or throw it all in the garbage bin. It’s your story, so you should write it how you want.
