I read this thread and man, I don't know... I straight laughed how bad am I actually right now. I was new to this writing stuff and when I saw my story literally against a lot points on these... I guess I ducked up xD I'm using a lot of words "said" in my fanfic because that's what I picture it when they do dialogue.
There's no way you could have known. This stuff is Not Talked About anywhere. It's not in any how-to writing book either. I'm dropping Industry level secrets here --
seriously.
I only found out about all this the hard way --
after I signed a book contract and got my manuscript back from the editor. There was so much red ink --on every page-- I thought the pages were
bleeding. I had to take out all the head-hopping, remove all the 'saids', erase all the passive voice, and restructure every single paragraph by character actions. In short; rewrite the entire 100k manuscript or they wouldn't publish it.
The most common reason people overuse 'said' is because so many Badly Edited novels are published using it. Even worse, the more money an author makes, the less likely an editor's advice will be followed.
Stephan King, Laurell K. Hamilton, and the top romance authors in the USA all have contracts stating that they don't need editors. I got news for them: YES They Do. Badly.
Just as an example, the number one Romance Author head-hops from one POV to the next nearly every other paragraph, and overuses 'said.' It's gotten so bad that all her conversations read like her characters are standing in a blank white room -- no backdrop or action at all.
So technically speaking, it's not your fault for copying their bad writing. After all, they're supposed to be professionals, right?
I guess that's also the reason why my fic rating goes beyond low.
Reading
comprehension is the most common reason for low ratings.
-- How clearly can your readers imagine the scenes you write?
Best way to fix this? Get at least two of your fans to
beta-read each chapter before you post. Pay Attention to what they say. They won't always agree, and this is a good thing! It gives you wiggle room to adjust things.
It might hard for me to change though, I realize it.
It
is hard -- so Don't Change what you've already posted!
-- Instead, just write your next chapters fresh and see if your readers notice. I promise you,
they will.
Later -- much later, you can rewrite those earlier chapters and
replace them, one at a time.
I'm also, frankly speaking, pretty follow up visual novel player besides reader of fiction as a hobby... well, comparing both of them I like the format of the visual novel more so when I write my stuff what I imagine was kinda reflected in that format... which is mostly first POV and simple sentence shorts.
And yes, ton of dialogues.
LOL! I make visual novels as a hobby, so I understand. I have thirteen games completed so far, and some of them are definitely better than others.
Want a peek?
--------------------------
The unknown guy wearing black tuxedo approached me.
"You suck" He said.
"Uhh what?"I replied.
...Why this guy suddenly mocked me?
--------------------------------------
Okay,
this needs to be readjusted. Also, you really,
really need to add
description to your writing.
Visual Novels have pictures, sound effects, and music. Written stories don't, so you need to add all that stuff in using the written word or the story will read flat and blank like a Radio Show with no music or sound effects.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The unknown guy wearing
a black tuxedo approached me.
-- Is he a kid, a boy, a teenager, an adult, or an old man?
-- What color are his hair and eyes?
-- What color are his clothes, and what style of tuxedo is it? A slim swallowtail, a skirted frock, a t-shirt with a tux printed on the front?
-- What expression is on his face? A sneer? a glare? A smirk? A pout? Tears running down his cheeks? A dead-eyed stare?
-- WHERE ARE YOU TWO?! A school hallway at midnight? A rainy junk-yard? The brightly lit bridge of a spaceship? An corpse strewn underground dungeon?
"You suck
." He said.
"Uhh what?" I replied.
-- What expression is on your face?
-- What are you wearing? A middle-school sailor uniform? A bulky spacesuit? A full-skirted ball gown encrusted with shimmering crystals? A pink t-shirt and khaki shorts? Bright green flannel pajamas? A scarlet semi-transparent negligee?
-- What are you holding?
...Why this guy suddenly mocked me? <-- Bad Grammar, and bad punctuation.
-- Punctuation: English does Not use ellipses (. . .) in front of sentences EVER. That's a Japanese convention that got carried over by translators who simply don't know better.
-- Grammar: You skipped a word, and Direct Thoughts are written in Present Tense and italicized.
Why
is this guy
suddenly mock
ing me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Adjusted:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The unknown guy wearing a black tuxedo approached me. (Insert facial expression.) "You suck."
"Uhh what?" (Insert facial expression and feelings.)
Why is this guy mocking me?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I should know that it should be fine to not use "said" there, but my brain just told me something wrong with it... like... usually I play VN when a dialogue happens there would be a name of the person who currently talking, then followed by action afterward. At first time writing, I'm even using (character name) but my friend told me it was ugly.
The way VNs are written, especially the dialogue, is not how one would write a story in English.
-- First of all, the punctuation is usually Japan-glish; Japanese application of English punctuation. For example, how Japan uses Ellipses vs. the English usage, and Japanese quotation marks are Boxes [ ]. Also, they write out sound-effects and treat them like dialogue. English
Does Not. In addition, they separate the lines of dialogue from everything else -- which is how you wrote your example.
If you want to write stories in English, I suggest reading books written in English by native English speakers. It still won't be perfect, editors mess up too, but it'll be a lot closer to how stories are actually written than any VN.
Well, this is really good advice.. Thanks.
You're very welcome. I hope it helps.
I will try to ignore my brain from now on.. or at least reduce it.
Now I need to sleep, my brain refused but my body need it.
You can't help what you're used to reading. If all you've read are translations from other languages, then the common mistakes those translators make are going to be imprinted on your memory as being correct.
THIS is why so many new writers use ellipses (. . .) as a pause in their sentences, when in English, the ellipses
Does Not represent a pause, it represents
Missing or Skipped Words.
Good night!