Unreliable Biased Feedback

Jihn

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LI?

edit: oh love intrest. honestly not sure how I'd feel about that. I can give it a shot though
I started a story, called Rico. But I am gonna add more to it soon. If you hold off for another day or two, I'll have another chapter up. Actually, I'll just post when I have it updated. I am gonna edit chapter two soon.
 

LiteraryWho

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Since most feedback threads are dead right now, and I'm trying to ignore/delay my responsibilities I have some free time, I decided on making my own.

This will be from the viewpoint of a simple-minded reader with an increasingly short attention span. I'll read until I lose interest.

Requirements:
  1. 10k+ words
Restrictions:
  1. Gender bender and all its subgenres (unless it's a genderless monster)
  2. Girls-love
  3. Boys-love
Would it be crass to request feedback on something not posted to scribblehub? And if so, lovably crass or just regular?
 

LessThanSavory

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Not sure if you mind R-18 stories, but if you don't I can always use more feedback.

 
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Not sure if you mind R-18 stories, but if you don't I can always use more feedback.

I don't mind.
 

LiteraryWho

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I don't mind but I'm rating by SH standards so that's what you'd be getting
That's totally fine. I liked the forthright and to-the-point style reviews you've done already in this thread. They struck me as insightful and I can always use more of that.

Anyway, hopefully I'm not stirring up some crips v bloods type rivalry here, but my story, Nova: Omega is posted on RR: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52409/nova-omega

It's about a mercenary and his team on a sci-fi/fantasy planet (with super powers and monsters, basically) and the adventure he gets drawn into shortly after graduation.
 

LiteraryWho

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I don't mind but I'm rating by SH standards so that's what you'd be getting
I think Scribblehub doesn't like off-site links on its forum, so I went and posted the first few chapters here at scribblehub.

In theory, a moderator might approve my other post (if/when so, sorry mod for being impatient!). You are, of course, welcome to use this one (or the other if it shows up). Also, I just posted it, so maybe it's awaiting mod approval too? I really don't know how this site works, tbh.

There's also a possibility this one will get flagged for mod approval too, in which case, uh... hi mod team, how are y'all doing? Keeping busy, I hope (but not too busy).
 
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That's totally fine. I liked the forthright and to-the-point style reviews you've done already in this thread. They struck me as insightful and I can always use more of that.

Anyway, hopefully I'm not stirring up some crips v bloods type rivalry here, but my story, Nova: Omega is posted on RR: https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/52409/nova-omega

It's about a mercenary and his team on a sci-fi/fantasy planet (with super powers and monsters, basically) and the adventure he gets drawn into shortly after graduation.
off-site links are fine don't worry. I'll get to it when I finish the queue behind (might take a little while)
Thanks for the feedback!

Well, yes, I'm already aware of most of the problems (except for the lack of body language) in the early chapters because I was still a noob author even after rewriting it. You can skim it until chapter 10 since I think I've learned few lessons in characterization around that chapter.
skimmed to chapter 14 but there wasn't much difference. I then jumped to the latest chapter and the improvement is as clear as day.
 
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LiteraryWho

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off-site links are fine don't worry. I'll get to it when I finish the queue behind (might take a little while)
There's no rush, but it might actually be better for you to read the scribblehub one. I actually made a few formatting/general improvements for it. The formatting in particular might count for a lot, so I think I'm going to go ahead and post the whole thing here too, just so I can apply it consistently.
 
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Free scathing feedback? Sure!

My work is here:
Chapter Five: Sandstorm
4.5/5 : Great with a few flaws

And what I mean by 'flaws' are my own biased opinions. I'm not interested in reading a vanilla romance atm especially from a FL pov. Other than that, your writing is fluid, easy to read, and well-structured. The characters felt alive and animated. i felt like punching the guy multiple times (again affirming im not your target demographic). Nothing else worth mentioning in the snippet that I read. maybe MC felt too lax around the guy and their progression was a bit rushed. I'd have liked to see more details, though, instead of info dumps. what did the bed look like, the furs you described on the ground, etc. Also I'd have liked to see more colours. the only colours I could remember are MC's ravens and the guy's hair/eyes
 

bokhi

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Chapter Five: Sandstorm
4.5/5 : Great with a few flaws

And what I mean by 'flaws' are my own biased opinions. I'm not interested in reading a vanilla romance atm especially from a FL pov. Other than that, your writing is fluid, easy to read, and well-structured. The characters felt alive and animated. i felt like punching the guy multiple times (again affirming im not your target demographic). Nothing else worth mentioning in the snippet that I read. maybe MC felt too lax around the guy and their progression was a bit rushed. I'd have liked to see more details, though, instead of info dumps. what did the bed look like, the furs you described on the ground, etc. Also I'd have liked to see more colours. the only colours I could remember are MC's ravens and the guy's hair/eyes
Hi greyblob!

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate you taking the time! =)

Few quick questions for you. Feel free to not answer since I've already taken up some time by having you read TSC, but there are a few points that were surprising to me (ran the opposite of what I got as feedback in general) that I'd love some clarification on!

1. You mentioned wanting to punch the guy multiple times (LOL!), which was slightly surprising. I post on WP and RR as well, and generally people seem to like him more than the F!Lead at a personal level (people generally appreciate the F!Lead for being flawed and whatnot, but people seem to just like the M!Lead). Could you explain which aspects made you want to punch him? (Okay, I admit this is just pure curiosity on my part, haha!)

2. I'm surprised you mentioned the progression felt rushed! I've been considering collapsing some chapters together because the most common bit of criticism I get is that it's too slow! Can you explain this point a bit more?

Thanks again!
bokhi
 

doravg

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It is a story with an old lady as a protagonist. There is a slight romance, but it is straight. The story is 13k words.
 
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Hi greyblob!

Thanks for your feedback! I appreciate you taking the time! =)

Few quick questions for you. Feel free to not answer since I've already taken up some time by having you read TSC, but there are a few points that were surprising to me (ran the opposite of what I got as feedback in general) that I'd love some clarification on!

1. You mentioned wanting to punch the guy multiple times (LOL!), which was slightly surprising. I post on WP and RR as well, and generally people seem to like him more than the F!Lead at a personal level (people generally appreciate the F!Lead for being flawed and whatnot, but people seem to just like the M!Lead). Could you explain which aspects made you want to punch him? (Okay, I admit this is just pure curiosity on my part, haha!)

2. I'm surprised you mentioned the progression felt rushed! I've been considering collapsing some chapters together because the most common bit of criticism I get is that it's too slow! Can you explain this point a bit more?

Thanks again!
bokhi
hello
I'm happy to answer any more questions you have. just keep in mind that these are my own personal views - the definition of subjective.

1. his stubbornness and overconfidence seem obnoxious to me. his "charm" is fabricated which the mc had pointed out a few times. there's nothing too deep about it. i just don't like his smugness.

2. if i understood correctly, mc and ml are enemies in a sense. she was having an internal crisis about whether she would devour his soul or not. the way that dilemma was solved seem rushed to me. it did not click in my head, if that makes any sense. the story progression is slow, I agree, but their relationship progression felt somewhat rushed.



View attachment 14276
I'm gonna put this on hold for a bit. I still remember reading it not too long ago so I'll wait a bit before reading it again
 

bokhi

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hello
I'm happy to answer any more questions you have. just keep in mind that these are my own personal views - the definition of subjective.

1. his stubbornness and overconfidence seem obnoxious to me. his "charm" is fabricated which the mc had pointed out a few times. there's nothing too deep about it. i just don't like his smugness.

2. if i understood correctly, mc and ml are enemies in a sense. she was having an internal crisis about whether she would devour his soul or not. the way that dilemma was solved seem rushed to me. it did not click in my head, if that makes any sense. the story progression is slow, I agree, but their relationship progression felt somewhat rushed.

Thanks for expanding on it, it's very helpful! =)

Cheers,
bokhi
 

Spilled_Soup

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I'd like to hear your thoughts.
 
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Chapter 16
3/5: Average
the writings is okay (later on) and the scenes are nicely structured. there were major problems in the early chapters (grammar, spelling, sentence structure, etc.) but they gradually lessened the more I read.
I don't really have much to say here. so far it's a cliche cultivation novel. mc got his artifact, collected one waifu, and had just joined a sect. my rating is somewhat arbitrary. I need another 100 or so chapters to start formulating an actual opinion.
 

TheTrinary

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It'd be disingenuous if I didn't participate in these every now and then. Check out my scary story collection. "Collection".
 
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Back to school
3.5: Slightly above average

the novel is weird, confusing, and all over the place. the characters are odd but surprisingly likable. I like satire. It's difficult to get right but has limitless potential. you did not quite nail it but I'll give you an A for effort. I think with some polishing this could be a really good novel.
thats all I got. as with almost every novel in this thread, the early chapters are the worst. the writing is okay. the dialogue could use some work but it's alright
 
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