Unreliable Biased Feedback

Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
It's been a while since the last time I got feedback. I would love it if you take a look at my story. Link in my signature.
here's the thing, your chapters are long and very difficult to read. I'm usually reading on phone and my screen can't even fit two of your paragraphs together. just that is extremely off-putting. now add to that being greeted by constant walls of info dumps, I can't say I'm the least bit impressed. I only read a single chapter, and honestly, I skipped everything but the dialogue.
right now I have 2 choices: I could give you a very poor, unreliable (even by my standards) rating, or invest a tremendous amount of effort trying to read through this.
And I'm going to do neither.

try experimenting with this site a bit. I've personally found it useful before
 

BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
Joined
Jul 14, 2019
Messages
5,344
Points
233

MV5BNmJiYjIzODgtZGMyYS00NzUxLWJiNjYtMjMwMjFkYjEzOTQyXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyNjA0MjA1OQ@@._V1_UY1200_CR...jpg
 
Last edited:

bokhi

Not a Desert Crow Witch
Joined
Dec 30, 2021
Messages
75
Points
58
Free scathing feedback? Sure!

My work is here:
 
Joined
Jun 10, 2022
Messages
5
Points
18
Since most feedback threads are dead right now, and I'm trying to ignore/delay my responsibilities I have some free time, I decided on making my own.

This will be from the viewpoint of a simple-minded reader with an increasingly short attention span. I'll read until I lose interest.

Requirements:
  1. 10k+ words
Restrictions:
  1. Gender bender and all its subgenres (unless it's a genderless monster)
  2. Girls-love
  3. Boys-love
Okay. Well... Give mine a gander https://www.scribblehub.com/series/508964/legacy-of-blood/
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
beginnings – Part Seventeen
4/5: Above average

You have a good grasp on story telling and story progression. There were a few forced scenes I noticed but other than that things were fine. My main issue with this novel is the characters. I understand what you wanted each one of them to be but the execution was lacking.
The characters did not feel alive. They 'spoke' how they felt instead of showing it. Most of their dialogues felt stiff and scripted. They lacked depth.

ps: if you're already aware of this and have taken steps to fix it later on let me know and I'll start skimming ahead. this is a 200+ chapters novel. I'm sure you've improved a great deal throughout
 

Paul_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of a published author
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
4,177
Points
183
beginnings – Part Seventeen
4/5: Above average

You have a good grasp on story telling and story progression. There were a few forced scenes I noticed but other than that things were fine. My main issue with this novel is the characters. I understand what you wanted each one of them to be but the execution was lacking.
The characters did not feel alive. They 'spoke' how they felt instead of showing it. Most of their dialogues felt stiff and scripted. They lacked depth.

ps: if you're already aware of this and have taken steps to fix it later on let me know and I'll start skimming ahead. this is a 200+ chapters novel. I'm sure you've improved a great deal throughout
Thank you for the feedback. I have only been told about the characters being plain recently so I've been studying how to better that. However, I haven't done much to fix it yet. Some have said that they characters become more realistic and independent as you read further but I still need to work on it. Again, thank you for the feedback.
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
Thank you for the feedback. I have only been told about the characters being plain recently so I've been studying how to better that. However, I haven't done much to fix it yet. Some have said that they characters become more realistic and independent as you read further but I still need to work on it. Again, thank you for the feedback.
you're very welcome. I always read for the characters. it's what I'm always looking out for. try establishing a speech pattern for each character and adding more body language. what i personally do is create a 'subconscious' for each character. not sure if that makes any sense to you
 

Paul_Tromba

Sleep deprived mess of a published author
Joined
Jan 29, 2020
Messages
4,177
Points
183
you're very welcome. I always read for the characters. it's what I'm always looking out for. try establishing a speech pattern for each character and adding more body language. what i personally do is create a 'subconscious' for each character. not sure if that makes any sense to you
Yeah, that makes sense.
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
Chapter 8: Transcendent

3.5: Slightly above average

The writing is decent and the dialogue is okay. The main problem is that things are happening all over the place. There is zero world building. Things start happening randomly with little to no thought or reason behind them. The characters introduced were completely one dimensional. The MC is supposed to be 34 but acts 17.
I honestly preferred the story pre-isekai. It felt like you were at your element. You were methodically introducing the story and the MC then suddenly you hit the gas and started speedrunning everything.
 

georgelee5786

2024 Shovel Duel Champion
Joined
Mar 6, 2022
Messages
3,222
Points
183
Chapter 8: Transcendent

3.5: Slightly above average

The writing is decent and the dialogue is okay. The main problem is that things are happening all over the place. There is zero world building. Things start happening randomly with little to no thought or reason behind them. The characters introduced were completely one dimensional. The MC is supposed to be 34 but acts 17.
I honestly preferred the story pre-isekai. It felt like you were at your element. You were methodically introducing the story and the MC then suddenly you hit the gas and started speedrunning everything.
Yeah, I know. I'm trying to slow down the pacing and up the world-building in the later chapters. Maybe I'll make a prequel series about his life as a mercenary.
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
If you are okay with it, then here is my novel's link.

1_ ch 7: A. a RatsStand

2: Below average

your writing is simple and easy to read. I liked the personalized style of direct narration with the reader but the execution is lacking. the main problem is the quality. it felt like I'm reading very early drafts. some of the expressions are not quite right, redundant sentences, and unintelligible/poorly written phrases, etc.
the quality is slightly better later on but it's still relatively poor.
 

MareoKen

Active member
Joined
Apr 1, 2022
Messages
45
Points
33
Hey, if you're still doing this, do check out my story!


Appreciate it!
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
Thanks in advance
Chapter 6
3.5: Slightly above average

The writing quality is decent and the flow is alright. My main issue here is the characters and dialogue. the characters are one dimensional and rigid. I couldn't feel any distinct personalities in any of them (including the mc). the dialogue is clunky and lacks depth. there's also a lack of body language which goes hand in hand with inanimate characters.
There were a few instances of poorly explained/executed plot points. He's not angry at the demon who tore out his heart because he wanted to die? was going to die? He's a master blacksmith but tries to become the disciple of some backwater village's blacksmith? Lastly the blacksmith suddenly believing him after pointing his blade at his neck?

ps: again, this is another pretty long novel. if you've addressed any of the character issues I mentioned, please let me know and I'll skim ahead.
 
Last edited:

Hathnuz

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 1, 2019
Messages
194
Points
83
Chapter 6
3.5: Slightly above average

The writing quality is decent and the flow is alright. My main issue here is the characters and dialogue. the characters are one dimensional and rigid. I couldn't feel any distinct personalities in any of them (including the mc). the dialogue is clunky and lacks depth. there's also a lack of body language which goes hand in hand with inanimate characters.
There were a few instances of poorly explained/executed plot points. He's not angry at the demon who tore out his heart because he wanted to die? was going to die? He's a master blacksmith but tries to become the disciple of some backwater village's blacksmith? Lastly the blacksmith suddenly believing him after pointing his blade at his neck?

ps: again, this is another pretty long novel. if you've addressed any of the character issues I mentioned, please let me know and I'll skim ahead.
Thanks for the feedback!

Well, yes, I'm already aware of most of the problems (except for the lack of body language) in the early chapters because I was still a noob author even after rewriting it. You can skim it until chapter 10 since I think I've learned few lessons in characterization around that chapter.
 
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
2,305
Points
153
Oh yea why not post it here too

Chapter 5: Londinium! Registration!
3/5: Average

The start was strong. mc had an interesting personality, a bit op but I didn't mind it. the exploring of the forest was enjoyable. problems arise once she starts meeting people. shallow and clunky dialogue, shallow character depth, shallow worldbuilding, etc - the average isekai
 
Top