Want feedbacks from an amateur?

[Y2N1]

Hi! this is my story. I just wanted to know if it's funny or what.

 

[Bartun]

I'm rewriting my story so I could use some feedback!

Here is the link:

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess who just started her journey in the Highlands, in a faraway land. But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after her. She will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Hi! this is my story. I just wanted to know if it's funny or what.

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 5 and to answer your question….. not really.

Here’s why:
The grammar is disrupting the flow of the story and it’s making the scenarios less enjoyable. I’m not a grammar expert but the sentence structures sometimes got me questioning if my English is okay or not, rather than me focusing on the story.

The storyline is very mundane. I understand it’s like a slice of life but it keeps revolving around independent events that don’t really have a hook. Idk if I should overlook this because your intention is to make the story comical and nonsensical but that’s my opinion.

For example:
“While I was playing a game, I noticed someone’s presence gradually came closer and closer.”

In the first sentence, I have noticed a grammar mistake. I believe it’s “someone’s presence gradually coming closer and closer.”

Anyways:
- It sticks to the theme very well! A bunch of nonsense written in dialogues which makes it easier to read. Although the shift in tenses like past then present tense gets me confuse because idk which is like his thoughts and which is his narration (because it’s written in first person)
- Chapter 2 is much better than chapter 1 because it’s more complete. Chapter 1 is rather random and redundant, maybe you can fuse both chapters into one to keep the story going instead of having chapter 1 and 2 as independent events.
- Chapter 3 is fine, there’s some cute moments!
- Chapter 4 is a continuation of chapter 3 so there’s a link. However, there’s one part that I can’t really understand. Smth about Ari saying “Don’t leave me please.” and the MC just went on with his day about his soup. I think it’s very sudden and the mc didn’t even address her feelings. You can try expanding on that or just delete the sentence.
- In chapter 5: “She knew exactly I wasn’t a student here, but she was continued with it anyway.” Pls remove “was”
- “I myself doesn’t”, Correct it to “I, myself, don’t”
- Apart from that, is this Ari’s POV? The shift in perspective is also very sudden, I have to look for clues to know that it’s Ari POV and the MC. (Wait, has the mc been named yet?)
- In conclusion, you can use the butler for grammar advice and ask it to write an analysis and what to improve on. It will give you a better sense and guide your writing to engage the reader better.

 

[Y2N1]

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 5 and to answer your question….. not really.

Thanks for the feedback lol. To be honest, this was just a story I did for fun because I totally suck at writing because someone actually told me that I was doing a script and not a novel. It's just me having fun and writing moments that reminds me of "school with friends", and it's full of nonsense so not much for a hook really.

- Chapter 4 is a continuation of chapter 3 so there’s a link. However, there’s one part that I can’t really understand. Smth about Ari saying “Don’t leave me please.” and the MC just went on with his day about his soup. I think it’s very sudden and the mc didn’t even address her feelings. You can try expanding on that or just delete the sentence.

One example of something I couldn't explain very well in writing lol. But basically, she was acting vulnerable here as a tease.

Wait, has the mc been named yet?

He doesn't deserve any name at the moment.

 

[Yuin]

I'm rewriting my story so I could use some feedback!

Here is the link:

Nowhere to Run

Nina is a young priestess who just started her journey in the Highlands, in a faraway land. But everything falls apart when greater forces are scheming and unknown men are suddenly after her. She will have no choice but to resort to her wits, trust unexpected allies, and navigate her...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 5 and here’s my thoughts:

- Prologue was good. The description of action caught my attention and the ending paragraphs got my heart racing for her! It’s not completely perfect, but it’s clear cut.
- Chapter 1 was okay although the dialogues take up 60% of the narration. I understand it’s a way to info dump and establish the world building so I’m not complaining about the walls of text.
- The words used in the sentences kinda threw me off a bit. For example “To say she was nervous would be an epic understatement. Nina could barely hold herself together, feeling the eyes of everyone on her gradually crush her.” I feel the word “epic” is not very fitting. Maybe “tremendous” or “massive” will carry the tone of the story better. The sentence “feeling the eyes of everyone on her gradually crush her”, doesn’t sit right with me. I think rephrasing it to “the weight of everyone’s eyes on her gradually crushing her”, makes it more smoother.
- The sentence “This was her very first trip on duty, and her first actual service too, but Verkan had offered to take her place, being an old acquaintance of the late Lord, and he noticed just how nervous she’s been after overhearing her practicing the rites, and fumbling with the word”, is way too long and is awkward to read. You can always cut your sentences and make them more complete instead of rambling off.
- Overall, chapter 1 is a great start to the story!
- Chapter 2 is a great surprise. The introduction to Nero makes the story even better and takes on a romantic element (like I can pick up the mutual liking of both the characters)
- The fight scene was good although I feel the dialogues introducing the five competitors a bit repetitive (but it’s okay in the later part of the story)
- In chapter 3, the interactions between Nina and Verkan is so cute!
- I just speed read chapter 4 and 5 and I’m gonna take my words back. VERKAN just died?? Nah... It just went 0 to 100 quickly and the tension and mystery got me really hooked. I think the later chapters are getting more and more interesting and complete. Keep up with this momentum!!
- Truthfully, this work is not my cup of tea, but you have established the information well enough. You can keep the sentences as you like since these are just my opinions.

Thanks for the feedback lol. To be honest, this was just a story I did for fun because I totally suck at writing because someone actually told me that I was doing a script and not a novel. It's just me having fun and writing moments that reminds me of "school with friends", and it's full of nonsense so not much for a hook really.


One example of something I couldn't explain very well in writing lol. But basically, she was acting vulnerable here as a tease.


He doesn't deserve any name at the moment.

Yea I also wrote shit novel for my own enjoyment and I haven’t edited my work yet lol. You can expand on Ari’s feelings to make it more personal!

 

[Edeshei]

Dump your links here and I’ll give you a wonderful bs review! (With sincerity! Straight from the heart!)

(I’m an inexperienced, unprofessional author/reader so take my words lightly. I’m doing this for fun because I’m bored. Feel free to disagree with my opinions, I just want to see how people write their stories)

Feedbacks take around 30 mins!

And you can roast mine: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1161828/return-to-you-who-is-lost-bl/

Okkeehhh, here's mine if yer interested :>

Caelestialis

SLOW BURN| DARK FANTASY | ROMANTIC ANGST | PROGRESSION In the once-prosperous city of Araes, the disappearance of the deity Razla has plunged the land into chaos. The people suffer, abandoned by their god, while crime and desperation fester in the streets. Dawn is a skilled reluctant thief but...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

Okkeehhh, here's mine if yer interested :>

Caelestialis

SLOW BURN| DARK FANTASY | ROMANTIC ANGST | PROGRESSION In the once-prosperous city of Araes, the disappearance of the deity Razla has plunged the land into chaos. The people suffer, abandoned by their god, while crime and desperation fester in the streets. Dawn is a skilled reluctant thief but...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi, I just read your story until chapter 2 (bcs I have to sleep) so let me type this real quick:

- I know your story thru the other threads and I feel that their feedbacks are much better than mine but here’s my thoughts. The story idea is great with solid world building, especially the prologue that immediately sets the fantasy world. The prologue was extremely strong and immerse the readers effectively! The language is also very good, considering that you don’t rely on the butler to do your bidding.
- Chapter 1 also sets the tone of the story and introduces the characters personally about their struggles and situations. Dawn is such a caring person which I can tell from the last few paragraphs that he put his sister before himself despite the “crimes” he did in order to survive. (And the paragraphing is so good)
- However, I’m really bothered by the present tense usage. This is just personal preference tho. I understand that sometimes using first person, there is a mix of past and present tense depending on the context (like the thoughts of the character to establish emotional connection).
- Overall, the storyline is well planned and it‘s moving smoothly. Although I get why the view count dropped significantly after chapter 1 bcs your story is more niche but don’t be disheartened that your story isn’t getting much attention. Keep up with the good work!

 

[CharlesEBrown]

- Overall, the storyline is well planned and it‘s moving smoothly. Although I get why the view count dropped significantly after chapter 1 bcs your story is more niche but don’t be disheartened that your story isn’t getting much attention. Keep up with the good work!

Also view counts ALWAYS drop after Ch1 - usually there's a slow, steady decline until you get 20 chapters posted, then a bump up across the board, and another decline until 50 (or so I hear - have not exactly hit that yet ... sort of but not really ... with one) and the biggest if you hit 100.
People read the first chapter and decide if they want to save it for later. If it grows long enough, then they start binging, often going back to Ch 1 to do so.

 

[RepresentingTaoism]

there's this one story I'm posting on a different site if ya fine with it

 

[Yuin]

Also view counts ALWAYS drop after Ch1 - usually there's a slow, steady decline until you get 20 chapters posted, then a bump up across the board, and another decline until 50 (or so I hear - have not exactly hit that yet ... sort of but not really ... with one) and the biggest if you hit 100.
People read the first chapter and decide if they want to save it for later. If it grows long enough, then they start binging, often going back to Ch 1 to do so.

Ohhh, for my case, I have a steady view count from last year until the recent chapters I uploaded yesterday eh. It’s hard to gauge whether the readers like my work because no one likes or comments on it. I did post it on other websites and mostly I get was “unique writing with spelling errors” like ummm is the story good or nah. But, it doesn’t matter considering I did a half ass job writing my novel.

there's this one story I'm posting on a different site if ya fine with it

Okay I’ll look into it tmr!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Dump your links here and I’ll give you a wonderful bs review! (With sincerity! Straight from the heart!)

(I’m an inexperienced, unprofessional author/reader so take my words lightly. I’m doing this for fun because I’m bored. Feel free to disagree with my opinions, I just want to see how people write their stories)

Feedbacks take around 30 mins!

And you can roast mine: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1161828/return-to-you-who-is-lost-bl/

I read the prologue and the subsequent chapter before stopping.

I'm thinking it's missing a tag LitRPG.

Next, just know that I'm not your target audience. So that means while there are things you take for granted in the genre, there are things I just won't understand.

With an that in mind, it's not a bad read. There are some funky worded paragraphs that should be cleaned up, but that's easily fixed.

This was where he ‘spawned’ and met the system after his first death. His arms lifted his body to lay against the bed frame. His throat was parched, but his delayed emotions came like waves, overwhelming him.

Strange paragraphs like this are all through the two parts I read. It changes subject and you are left going "what just happened?" Especially after another two paragraphs you come back to him in the bed.

Clenching the bedsheet, he violently pulled it to his face and tears welled up. With each drop, it left a shaded mark on the blanket. With his head in his hands, he inhaled and screamed, kicking his legs like a child throwing a tantrum. However, it was silent.

For me it was a little jarring. I would probably put like minded things together. Find an order. But again, that's me and easily edited.

Not a fan of the computer showing it's failure in Russian, at least I think it's Russian. Personally, I think it's better if the breakdown is incorporated into the narrative. Though I'm pretty certain that it's common to have this kind of thing based on the genre, so again that's a minor issue.

You barely show anything with the system reboot and his prior time in the "hut" but spend about half the chapter talking to Nathan. You didn't even give that much time to the Prince that he loved so much that the system killed him for it.

Again its not bad, I think it could be expanded on. Maybe adjust your pace a bit. I think you have a good concept going, a little brave given the boys love, not many would take on that subject.

That's about all I took away from it.
Grade wise is say a solid B. 4 stars :)

No need to read anything of mine, unless you honestly want to read for entertainment.
I hope this helps you out.

 

[Bartun]

Hi! I just read your novel until chapter 5 and here’s my thoughts:

- Prologue was good. The description of action caught my attention and the ending paragraphs got my heart racing for her! It’s not completely perfect, but it’s clear cut.
- Chapter 1 was okay although the dialogues take up 60% of the narration. I understand it’s a way to info dump and establish the world building so I’m not complaining about the walls of text.
- The words used in the sentences kinda threw me off a bit. For example “To say she was nervous would be an epic understatement. Nina could barely hold herself together, feeling the eyes of everyone on her gradually crush her.” I feel the word “epic” is not very fitting. Maybe “tremendous” or “massive” will carry the tone of the story better. The sentence “feeling the eyes of everyone on her gradually crush her”, doesn’t sit right with me. I think rephrasing it to “the weight of everyone’s eyes on her gradually crushing her”, makes it more smoother.
- The sentence “This was her very first trip on duty, and her first actual service too, but Verkan had offered to take her place, being an old acquaintance of the late Lord, and he noticed just how nervous she’s been after overhearing her practicing the rites, and fumbling with the word”, is way too long and is awkward to read. You can always cut your sentences and make them more complete instead of rambling off.
- Overall, chapter 1 is a great start to the story!
- Chapter 2 is a great surprise. The introduction to Nero makes the story even better and takes on a romantic element (like I can pick up the mutual liking of both the characters)
- The fight scene was good although I feel the dialogues introducing the five competitors a bit repetitive (but it’s okay in the later part of the story)
- In chapter 3, the interactions between Nina and Verkan is so cute!
- I just speed read chapter 4 and 5 and I’m gonna take my words back. VERKAN just died?? Nah... It just went 0 to 100 quickly and the tension and mystery got me really hooked. I think the later chapters are getting more and more interesting and complete. Keep up with this momentum!!
- Truthfully, this work is not my cup of tea, but you have established the information well enough. You can keep the sentences as you like since these are just my opinions.

Yea I also wrote shit novel for my own enjoyment and I haven’t edited my work yet lol. You can expand on Ari’s feelings to make it more personal!

I wasn't expecting a reply so soon! Thank you so much for the feedback! I really appreciate it!

I will take your insights into account for my next revision!

 

[Yuin]

I read the prologue and the subsequent chapter before stopping.

I'm thinking it's missing a tag LitRPG.

Next, just know that I'm not your target audience. So that means while there are things you take for granted in the genre, there are things I just won't understand.

With an that in mind, it's not a bad read. There are some funky worded paragraphs that should be cleaned up, but that's easily fixed.

Strange paragraphs like this are all through the two parts I read. It changes subject and you are left going "what just happened?" Especially after another two paragraphs you come back to him in the bed.

For me it was a little jarring. I would probably put like minded things together. Find an order. But again, that's me and easily edited.

Not a fan of the computer showing it's failure in Russian, at least I think it's Russian. Personally, I think it's better if the breakdown is incorporated into the narrative. Though I'm pretty certain that it's common to have this kind of thing based on the genre, so again that's a minor issue.

You barely show anything with the system reboot and his prior time in the "hut" but spend about half the chapter talking to Nathan. You didn't even give that much time to the Prince that he loved so much that the system killed him for it.

Again its not bad, I think it could be expanded on. Maybe adjust your pace a bit. I think you have a good concept going, a little brave given the boys love, not many would take on that subject.

That's about all I took away from it.
Grade wise is say a solid B. 4 stars :)

No need to read anything of mine, unless you honestly want to read for entertainment.
I hope this helps you out.

Hi! Thanks for reading my story! I didn’t realise this feedback was about my story until I read the Nathan part because I just woke up I haven’t edited chapter 1, just the prologue only so the whole story is still a mess About the BL element, I completely remove the smut scene in prologue so the story doesn’t feel like a complete BL but thanks for being so brave and putting yourself thru the torture of reading my half baked novel.

there's this one story I'm posting on a different site if ya fine with it

Hi! I just read your story until chapter 3 and here’s my thoughts:

- it’s not bad for a first timer (I assume). There wasn’t any info dumping and walls of text. Everything was explained through dialogues and actions. The paragraphing also made it easy for me to read and I enjoy the story format.
- In chapter 1, I have identified some sentence structure problems. The obvious ones have been highlighted by someone named TheDarkLiz.
For example:
“In the world of swords and magic, of invention and monarchy. A girl who was way over her head.”
This is a fragmented sentence. You can rephrase it as “In a world of swords and magic, of invention and monarchy, there was a girl in far over her head,” to make it a complete sentence.
Another one is the “Cecilia was mad, indeed she was,” this isn’t grammatically wrong but it will be smoother if you change it to “Cecilia was indeed mad.”
- There’s many elements that are repeated (like the spanking lol) but I understand it is to build the heartwarming relationship between the mother and daughter.
- chapter 2 was kinda abrupt with the introduction of the MC’s birth ummm. You also repeated words like “something” and “no one” in order to make the narration more dramatic, which I can tell but it disrupts the flow of the story.
- Okay but the interactions are funny and give a warm touch to the story.
- Lowkey, I feel like chapter 1 and 2 should switch around since chapter 3 is the continuation of chapter 1. But you can keep it the same, it’s just my opinion.
- Overall, it’s a very cute story. Chapter 1 is a bit of a rough start and chapter 2 did not help with that because there’s many elements that have been already introduced and mentioned in chapter 1 and chapter 2 just repeats it but with the support of the MC’s backstory and further elaboration. Chapter 3 finally set the story tone and chapter 4 continues it so it’s clearer and smoother to read.
- The name is creative and original so I’ll give you that. Otherwise, you have established the story’s genre well!

 

[SurfAngel_1031]

Thanks for reading my story! I didn’t realise this feedback is about my story until I read the Nathan part because I just woke up I haven’t edited chapter 1, just the prologue only so the whole story is still a mess About the BL element, I completely remove the smut scene in prologue so the story doesn’t feel like a complete BL but thanks for being so brave and putting yourself thru the torture of reading my half baked novel.

You're welcome. I tried not to come off as too harsh. I think you have a nice concept at the moment, and by all means leave the Boys Love in! I'm openly a lesbian, so the more gay the better (in my opinion). Given your responses, it is doesn't sound like English is your primary language.
That is likely the culprit of all the problems. I think if you put that fact in either the synopsis or the prologue - you'll get better response.

By all means keep trying. I think you'll do well

 

[Yuin]

You're welcome. I tried not to come off as too harsh. I think you have a nice concept at the moment, and by all means leave the Boys Love in! I'm openly a lesbian, so the more gay the better (in my opinion). Given your responses, it is doesn't sound like English is your primary language.
That is likely the culprit of all the problems. I think if you put that fact in either the synopsis or the prologue - you'll get better response.

By all means keep trying. I think you'll do well

Awww thank you for the advice. Sometimes, I feel weird correcting people’s grammar when my English isn’t that good lol.

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

I would appreciate your humble opinion

The Succubus and The Maverick [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma and no one knows why. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's parents...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DismaiNaim]

Here you go

A Place To Bloom

An orphaned peasant lives a frivolous life chasing girls around the village until he’s called to war, where the harsh realities of survival draw out his true nature. After hope, tragedy, love, mystery, and betrayal, the monster in the mirror faces a chance to reshape an empire.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Yuin]

I would appreciate your humble opinion

The Succubus and The Maverick [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma and no one knows why. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's parents...

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I just read your story until chapter 4 and here’s my thoughts:

- The synopsis was good enough to get me interested. However, chapter 1 wasn’t the best hook. The first three chapters were just telling me the situation the MC is facing without expanding on his mental state. It just briefly skimmed thru and talked about his outfit which was so funny because it was repeated again in chapter 2. (I think that’s the reason why your chapter 1 is so short because you’re just stating the event and not focusing on the thoughts of the MC during a difficult time for his family.) The facial description was okay tho.
- The plot is not complicated or philosophical, it’s just generic but the sudden reveal that he’s bi caught me by surprise.
- The sequence of events isn’t smooth too, with some grammar mistakes here and there. The sentences are also phrased simply so there wasn’t much variety in language.
- Nevertheless, it’s a good attempt since you didn’t yap and went straight to the point!
- The later chapter was less awkward and smooth so I will take it as a great improvement.
- I think the comments in your chapters have spoken what I wanna say about the mistakes yuh

 

[Yuin]

Here you go

A Place To Bloom

An orphaned peasant lives a frivolous life chasing girls around the village until he’s called to war, where the harsh realities of survival draw out his true nature. After hope, tragedy, love, mystery, and betrayal, the monster in the mirror faces a chance to reshape an empire.

www.scribblehub.com

Hi! I briefly read your story up to Chapter 3, and here are my thoughts:

- Generally, the grammar isn’t bad. However, I feel that Chapter 1 starts off a bit roughly, which was also pointed out in a comment below. I’m not sure why, but it feels kind of jagged, and there’s not much happening. I’m also not used to this type of writing (with a lot of dialogue), but the story did immediately immerse me in the narrative. That said, it wasn’t effective in the first few paragraphs. I think you were trying to create drama, but it feels lacklustre aka the hook is weak. (Maybe because you jumped straight into dialogues exchange without establishing what the action the MC was doing so it felt incomplete)
- Even though it’s written in the first person, you did a good job of avoiding rambling and directly telling the reader the storyline. Instead, the use of interactions and pacing helps move the story along smoothly.
- The plot is okay, but it didn’t fully capture my interest, so I didn’t read every word. However, there’s one line in Chapter 3 that really caught me off guard: The MC suddenly becomes very horny to the girl, which felt a bit intense. I was also hit by the sexual tension in Chapter 2.
- And then the language became more vulgar, which was a bit distracting. I’m still not entirely clear on the plot.
- But that’s just my personal take. Overall, the story structure is solid, with no information dumping. The setting is clear, and while the dialogues are a bit vulgar, you’re sticking to your style.

 

[StoneInky]

Ahhhh it feels embarrassingggg but I can do this! It won't kill meeee...

I'm about to do a rewrite. Changing the tone of the characters to sound more mature, and adding extra description?
Anyway, it would be nice to get more opinions before I break this thing:

Best Friend Obsession

Do you know the best friend of the male lead in Boys Love novels? The second male lead who tries to help the protagonist escape, only to watch as he falls into the obsessive male lead’s clutches. If my life were such a novel, that would be me. And...

www.scribblehub.com