Webnovel Feedback Roasts For the Fearless

[Tempokai]

I'd like to hear your thoughts on mine.

Darkness: Dawn Of Gods

The world has been split between two kinds of people - ones with powers and without powers. Yamikuro Asaki, a seemingly ordinary boy, wakes up from a nightmare that feels far too real and strange powers awaken inside of him in a life-or-death situation forcing him to turn his back...

www.scribblehub.com

Okay, I managed to get through two chapters of your masterpiece before realizing I wasn’t reading a webnovel so much as an edgy manhwa knockoff that forgot one essential thing: the pretty pictures. Seriously, you can’t just take a plot that’s already drowning in overused tropes, slap it into prose, and expect it to carry itself without the visual flair. Yes, it reads like that, I'm not kidding. If this was just a practice run for your betterment writing, okay, fine, good on you for putting words on a page and finding out how such narratives work. But as an actual webnovel you’ve released to the public? It’s DOA. Dead. On. Arrival.

Let’s just start with the tropes because, my god, they’re everywhere, and you don’t even try to hide them. You didn’t just take overused story beats and repackage them—you just tossed them at the reader raw, hoping they’d somehow work. Nelson Goodman, from whom I made the "Dao Of Worldmaking" anti-guide from has this idea about masking or deforming tropes (symbols in the "world") so they feel naturally fresh, but nope, you skipped that like it's not needed. We’ve got betrayal (of course), tragic dead parents (check), a brooding sadboy hero (naturally), and a shadowy “Darkness” entity that could’ve been compelling if it didn’t feel ripped from a bad fanfic of a better story. All that's left is nothing original, nothing to hook readers with, just a pile of clichés stacked like a game of Jenga on the verge of collapsing.

And let’s talk about your narratorial voice here because, wow, it’s screaming. Wayne Booth, which I was borrowing ideas a lot in this thread might call this your implied author, and what’s implied here is painfully clear: you read way too many depressing superpower webnovels and thought, “Hey, I can write one of these because I relate to depression!” Which, sure, fine, write what you know, but even for amateur writing, this is just... too amateur. It’s like you took all the tragic symbols Kenneth Burke talked about (manipulating symbols and how NOT to use them) and smashed them together in the most obvious, shallow way possible. You wanted me to cry over your protagonist’s tragic life, but instead, I’m rolling my eyes because you’re hitting me over the head with sadness like it’s a weapon and not a storytelling tool.

Let’s break this down rhetorically because it's what I was doing in this thread. First, your ethos is... yikes, it’s non-existent in a bad way. You’re copying what you’ve seen in other media without putting any personal spin on it, so there’s no sense of originality or trust in your abilities as a writer. It’s like you’re afraid to take risks and instead just parrot what worked in other stories—but worse. And originality, even if it’s subjective, is suffocating here under the sheer weight of the edginess you’ve crammed into every line. Then there’s logos. Where’s the logic in this story? Oh, right—there isn’t any. The worldbuilding doesn’t make sense, the characters’ actions don’t hold up under scrutiny, and nothing feels like it has a solid reason to exist except to push the plot forward awkwardly. Logic? Dead. I'm not exaggerating. In its place, PATHOS. So much PATHOS that I must put it in caps lock. Not the subtle kind that sneaks up on you and makes you feel something. No, this is melodramatic, screaming-in-your-face PATHOS that practically begs you to take it seriously while you’re trying not to laugh.

The thing with PATHOS is that it doesn’t work if you overdo it. When your story’s ethos is a shaky house, and logic is supposed to be the support beam, all the emotional theatrics in the world can’t save it from collapsing. PATHOS here doesn’t just ruin the story—it ruins itself because the reader, the observer these emotions are pointed at like a hoplite formation, keeping the observer at the distance, checks out without diving deeper, because they feel that this will go on and on without improving (even if ironically things will improve, but I have my doubts here). You’ve got a house on fire (literally and figuratively), but instead of inviting me in to care, you’re screaming “LOOK HOW SAD THIS IS” until I stop caring altogether. It’s exhausting. By the time your MC yells “MY PARENTS ARE DEAD” (yes, in all caps, basically) towards some stranger that screams "exposition dumping character", I was already out the door emotionally.

And yeah, there are technical issues here too. Can't forget about that. Pacing is a mess, you overemphasize boring things and gloss over important things, the dialogue is clunky enough that it feels like implied author didn't have emotional interactions with people while reading the depressing manwha, and the descriptions are so literal they read like stage directions. But honestly, those are the least of your problems. The biggest issue is that this story doesn’t try to convince me—at all—that it’s worth reading. It just assumes I’ll stick around because it’s tragic, as if tragedy is enough to make up for everything else that’s falling apart. It’s not. This isn’t a webnovel—it’s a first draft. A draft you should’ve kept locked away until you were ready to rewrite it with some actual effort and thought. But nope, here we are, and it’s out in the world for people to read without irony.

 

[Enone]

Okay, I managed to get through two chapters of your masterpiece before realizing I wasn’t reading a webnovel so much as an edgy manhwa knockoff that forgot one essential thing: the pretty pictures. Seriously, you can’t just take a plot that’s already drowning in overused tropes, slap it into prose, and expect it to carry itself without the visual flair. Yes, it reads like that, I'm not kidding. If this was just a practice run for your betterment writing, okay, fine, good on you for putting words on a page and finding out how such narratives work. But as an actual webnovel you’ve released to the public? It’s DOA. Dead. On. Arrival.

Let’s just start with the tropes because, my god, they’re everywhere, and you don’t even try to hide them. You didn’t just take overused story beats and repackage them—you just tossed them at the reader raw, hoping they’d somehow work. Nelson Goodman, from whom I made the "Dao Of Worldmaking" anti-guide from has this idea about masking or deforming tropes (symbols in the "world") so they feel naturally fresh, but nope, you skipped that like it's not needed. We’ve got betrayal (of course), tragic dead parents (check), a brooding sadboy hero (naturally), and a shadowy “Darkness” entity that could’ve been compelling if it didn’t feel ripped from a bad fanfic of a better story. All that's left is nothing original, nothing to hook readers with, just a pile of clichés stacked like a game of Jenga on the verge of collapsing.

And let’s talk about your narratorial voice here because, wow, it’s screaming. Wayne Booth, which I was borrowing ideas a lot in this thread might call this your implied author, and what’s implied here is painfully clear: you read way too many depressing superpower webnovels and thought, “Hey, I can write one of these because I relate to depression!” Which, sure, fine, write what you know, but even for amateur writing, this is just... too amateur. It’s like you took all the tragic symbols Kenneth Burke talked about (manipulating symbols and how NOT to use them) and smashed them together in the most obvious, shallow way possible. You wanted me to cry over your protagonist’s tragic life, but instead, I’m rolling my eyes because you’re hitting me over the head with sadness like it’s a weapon and not a storytelling tool.

Let’s break this down rhetorically because it's what I was doing in this thread. First, your ethos is... yikes, it’s non-existent in a bad way. You’re copying what you’ve seen in other media without putting any personal spin on it, so there’s no sense of originality or trust in your abilities as a writer. It’s like you’re afraid to take risks and instead just parrot what worked in other stories—but worse. And originality, even if it’s subjective, is suffocating here under the sheer weight of the edginess you’ve crammed into every line. Then there’s logos. Where’s the logic in this story? Oh, right—there isn’t any. The worldbuilding doesn’t make sense, the characters’ actions don’t hold up under scrutiny, and nothing feels like it has a solid reason to exist except to push the plot forward awkwardly. Logic? Dead. I'm not exaggerating. In its place, PATHOS. So much PATHOS that I must put it in caps lock. Not the subtle kind that sneaks up on you and makes you feel something. No, this is melodramatic, screaming-in-your-face PATHOS that practically begs you to take it seriously while you’re trying not to laugh.

The thing with PATHOS is that it doesn’t work if you overdo it. When your story’s ethos is a shaky house, and logic is supposed to be the support beam, all the emotional theatrics in the world can’t save it from collapsing. PATHOS here doesn’t just ruin the story—it ruins itself because the reader, the observer these emotions are pointed at like a hoplite formation, keeping the observer at the distance, checks out without diving deeper, because they feel that this will go on and on without improving (even if ironically things will improve, but I have my doubts here). You’ve got a house on fire (literally and figuratively), but instead of inviting me in to care, you’re screaming “LOOK HOW SAD THIS IS” until I stop caring altogether. It’s exhausting. By the time your MC yells “MY PARENTS ARE DEAD” (yes, in all caps, basically) towards some stranger that screams "exposition dumping character", I was already out the door emotionally.

And yeah, there are technical issues here too. Can't forget about that. Pacing is a mess, you overemphasize boring things and gloss over important things, the dialogue is clunky enough that it feels like implied author didn't have emotional interactions with people while reading the depressing manwha, and the descriptions are so literal they read like stage directions. But honestly, those are the least of your problems. The biggest issue is that this story doesn’t try to convince me—at all—that it’s worth reading. It just assumes I’ll stick around because it’s tragic, as if tragedy is enough to make up for everything else that’s falling apart. It’s not. This isn’t a webnovel—it’s a first draft. A draft you should’ve kept locked away until you were ready to rewrite it with some actual effort and thought. But nope, here we are, and it’s out in the world for people to read without irony.

I mostly wrote this because I just wanted to have something out there. From the beginning I felt like this wasn't going to work as a webnovel but I tried anyway and to no one's surprise it didn't come out well. I'll either try to rewrite it completely or just not make it into a webnovel but something else. It's hard to judge my own story and I never had anyone else's point of view so this was a good wake up call, thank you.

 

[Tempokai]

I am ready to listen to your roast. Let's go......
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1353405/the-merchant-of-shadows/

Oh, dear author, where do I even start? I’ve trudged through five chapters of your webnovel with my brain TURNED ON—yes, I emphasized that, because it feels like you didn’t have the same approach while writing—and it’s just... a lot. A lot in all the wrong ways. If your goal was to persuade a reader who actually thinks while reading webnovels, let me save you some suspense: you failed. Completely. And utterly. Sure, it’s an amateur webnovel on an amateur site, and in that context, I suppose it’s “fine” or “okay” for someone who doesn’t ask for much. But if you ever dream of stepping into a more serious arena, like selling it on Kindle or giving it to some publisher something? This thing would get torn to shreds.

First of all, your execution. You’ve got this interesting symbolic representation going on—shoutout to Nelson Goodman (and my anti-guide where I explain it for dummies) for pointing it out—but it’s just squandered. The idea could work! It could work so well! But the problem is, you’ve buried it under so much overwritten prose and melodrama that it suffocates. Your storytelling doesn’t leave any room for imagination, and that’s, you know, kind of essential in writing fiction. Add on top of that some of the worst pacing I’ve seen in a while, in this thread at least, and the story itself feels like it’s trying to sprint through syrupy swamp. By the time it gets to anything compelling, the reader has already drowned in unnecessary details and shuts the brain off from the overwrought prose.

Your ethos, as in your credibility as an author? Look, being an amateur writer is fine, great even—it’s where we all start. But the moment you spend three whole chapters dragging us through Vincent’s tragic son subplot instead of focusing on the protagonist (who probably is that son, but done in such a bad subtext way it doesn't feel like it), you lose whatever goodwill you started with. Three chapters! THREE. And it’s all so painfully overwritten and full of redundant emotions that it’s exhausting. You could’ve condensed that into one and a half chapters, tops, and actually gotten to the point without killing the reader’s patience. Instead, you’ve got me trudging through this like I’m stuck in a bad soap opera.

Let’s talk logos, the logic of your story—or, well, the lack thereof. Because when I tell you this story collapses under its own weight, I’m not exaggerating. Let’s take John’s death, for example: the truck, the cat, and the lightning strike. Oh, my god. Are you kidding me? Why does this have to happen like it’s a game of "what absurd thing can we add to this death scene"? It’s ridiculous. You’re leaning into every isekai trope so hard that instead of standing out, you trip over yourself. The moment anyone actually thinks critically about that sequence, the entire premise falls apart. And that melodrama? It doesn’t help—it actively murders any sense of plausibility your story might have had.

Now, because your ethos is shaky and your logos is straight-up dead, pathos doesn’t even have a chance to form properly. It’s like you were so terrified that readers wouldn’t feel anything that you just flooded the scenes with melodrama. You drowned us in overwrought prose, desperate to make sure we “got it.” But instead of feeling emotional, I’m sitting here annoyed. Why do I care about the cat? Or some random boy? Or Vincent, who’s clearly the actual main character and not John? Heck, why does Officer What’s-His-Face get a name and a dramatic role? It’s like you’re tossing every possible emotional thread at the wall and hoping something sticks. Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Honestly, it reads like you tried to write this with NovelAI or something, but the generator went haywire, and instead of fixing it, you just kept going because you didn’t understand your own intent. You threw things together, hoping it would all magically make sense. But it doesn’t. Chapters 4 and 5? Those are what the readers came for, not Vincent’s tragic-wine-and-pendant story.

To fix this mess, you’ve got to start with the basics. Cut the prose down—it’s bloated beyond belief. Stop drowning every moment in melodrama and trust your readers to use their imaginations. Most importantly, focus on John’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Give him agency. Make him an actual character, not this weird, passive doll who just sits around letting things happen to him. Vincent should be supplementary, not the main focus.

Right now, John reads like the world’s most convenient self-insert: bland, passive, and absent of agency. Even by Chapter 5, he still hasn’t done anything meaningful. If you want to salvage this, you’ve got to do better. As it stands? This isn’t just amateur—it’s an unedited, directionless mess. Good luck. Do better.

 

[Tripleblack]

I read your three opening chapters, and let me just say—starting your webnovel this way was the literary equivalent of slipping on a banana peel before stepping on stage to perform Hamlet. I see where you going with your intent, but that got undermined with your writing choices. I skimmed other chapters, they're almost good as themselves, not as a whole. The synopsis of this webnovel is solid, good even, and the structure of a compelling story are buried in there somewhere. But those opening chapters are sabotaging your entire performance, like a self-inflicted wound you can’t stop poking, all because it makes you feel better.

Let’s get this straight: Chapter 1 is a wasted opportunity, a poorly executed comedy routine that undercuts the ethos of your story and, by extension, the reader’s trust in you as the implied author. The chunni trope is played so straight that it doesn’t read like a deliberate character flaw or an endearing bit of absurdity, as it currently reads like a joke no one told the narrator (your MC) about. When you write an opening like that, you aren’t setting up an interesting protagonist—we’re just stuck in the head of a socially maladjusted edge-lord who thinks he’s a genius. It doesn’t work, worse, it hurts the story.

Here’s the problem: ethos—the reader’s trust in the implied author—is the foundation of any narrative. Believe me, trust, however small it may be is important. Your opening chapters blow that trust apart like the VTuber who accidentally forgets to turn on the voice changer at the beginning of the stream. When you put Veri’s cringe-worthy “Dark King” antics front and center and treat them as if they’re remotely credible, you make the audience wonder, Wait… is this story trying to be funny, or is it just bad? And that’s a question no author ever wants readers asking on page one.

This credibility gap creates a domino effect: because ethos is damaged, logos—the internal logic of the story—gets dragged down with it. By the time Cacophony makes her grand entrance, full of pathos and supernatural presence worthy of her, the reader is already side-eying everything with suspicion cuz "if the MC is bad, how worse she can be?" Instead of being swept away by her elegance and power, they’re bracing themselves for more awkward missteps. This is Cacophony, the titular Vampire Empress, and her debut is kneecapped because the audience is still cringing from Veri’s middle-school-level cosplay routine.

Sure, you’re writing a romance, and sure, the male MC is supposed to grow into someone worthy of the Vampire Empress. But first impressions matter, and by making Veri so unlikeable out of the gate, you’re making the reader doubt the entire journey before it even begins. Cacophony is the real main character here—she’s the one with the gravitas, the intrigue, the emotional weight. You know that, reader feels that, and I observe that. But by tethering her to Veri in such a lackluster way, you’re dragging her down to his level, which is somewhere between “bad anime sidekick” and “guy you avoid at a party because he keeps quoting smutty fanfiction that only 58 people read.”

And then there’s the storytelling tone. You clearly know how storytelling works—there are moments in Chapters 2 and 3 that prove you understand pacing, intrigue, and the allure of a powerful antagonist. But you’ve fumbled the beginning so badly that all that later competence feels wasted. The chunni humor isn’t just cringe; it’s unintentional cringe, which is worse. If you’re going to write a chuuni protagonist, own it. Cring is only cringe when you don't know about it and realized about it being cringe days later. Make it clear from the outset that the narrative is in on the joke, that all the delusions MC is spouting are in reality manufactured delusions. Readers will thank you for that, even if they're silent. Roast Veri yourself. make him even more a butt of a joke than he currently is. Let the audience laugh with the story, not at it while having second hand embarrassment. Don't force someone to write 900 words long feedback to point that out. Because right now, your comedy is so unself-aware in these opening chapters that it causes even the gods of amateur writing to blush.

If you want to salvage this—and you can, because the core idea here is good—you need to rewrite the opening chapters with brutal efficiency. Drop the leap-year philosophy lecture no one subscribed to, nix out the hell of the pocky stick drama, and cut down on Veri’s chuuni nonsense unless it’s framed as the joke it is and will be. You know what will be good? You start with the supernatural, show the reader the cracks in the ground, the eerie graveyard, and the growing sense of unease that foreshadows everything about your story. Tease Cacophony’s arrival from the start, so when she finally appears, it feels like the payoff to a mystery rather than a sudden shift in genre.

And if you’re going to keep Veri as a chuuni protagonist, don’t let him destroy the story’s credibility. Make it clear that he’s a fool—an amusing one, maybe even a lovable one, but a fool nonetheless. Show the readers that you know he’s cringe, and let the narrative poke fun at him while keeping the larger stakes intact. Don’t let him overshadow Cacophony, because she’s your golden ticket, and you’re wasting her on a cringe-fest that makes her eventual appearance feel diminished.

Technical issues—overwritten prose, pacing hiccups, tonal inconsistencies—are all secondary to this core problem: you’ve failed the beginning, and the beginning is what hooks the reader. Your story might improve later on, but most readers will never get there because you’ve given them no reason to care. It’s like handing someone a latest hardware gaming PC cardboard box, only for it to have the 90s gaming PC inside it. Fix the damn opening and make it match the promise of your title. Because right now, the only thing being revived is my secondhand embarrassment.

Thank you for your feedback and sorry to bother you so soon after. I reworked the first chapter and wanted to see if you could look it over once again. In all honesty, I've got no clue how to actually start a story and I didn't even have a story when I wrote that chapter. Rereading what I wrote, I think I made the mistake of knowing everything about Veri and not letting the reader in on what's actually happening in his mind at all. I tried to do that more in this revised version. I also tried to let the audience know not to take what Veri does or says too seriously. I'm trying not to just say it outright and keep a bit of subtlety, but I may need to be more blunt. I want to make this Chunni MC thing work.

I kept the part about Veri losing his phone the same since it comes up later in the story. I also kept the last paragraph from the original chapter since I still think it's a nice way of ending, but please let me know if you disagree with that choice. The main reason I'm writing a web novel is to get some writing experience so your roasting is very helpful.

Please, rip me to shreds.

The Revival of The Vampire Empress! - Chapter 1: The Lost Time | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

 

[GodOfZap]

Oh, dear author, where do I even start? I’ve trudged through five chapters of your webnovel with my brain TURNED ON—yes, I emphasized that, because it feels like you didn’t have the same approach while writing—and it’s just... a lot. A lot in all the wrong ways. If your goal was to persuade a reader who actually thinks while reading webnovels, let me save you some suspense: you failed. Completely. And utterly. Sure, it’s an amateur webnovel on an amateur site, and in that context, I suppose it’s “fine” or “okay” for someone who doesn’t ask for much. But if you ever dream of stepping into a more serious arena, like selling it on Kindle or giving it to some publisher something? This thing would get torn to shreds.

First of all, your execution. You’ve got this interesting symbolic representation going on—shoutout to Nelson Goodman (and my anti-guide where I explain it for dummies) for pointing it out—but it’s just squandered. The idea could work! It could work so well! But the problem is, you’ve buried it under so much overwritten prose and melodrama that it suffocates. Your storytelling doesn’t leave any room for imagination, and that’s, you know, kind of essential in writing fiction. Add on top of that some of the worst pacing I’ve seen in a while, in this thread at least, and the story itself feels like it’s trying to sprint through syrupy swamp. By the time it gets to anything compelling, the reader has already drowned in unnecessary details and shuts the brain off from the overwrought prose.

Your ethos, as in your credibility as an author? Look, being an amateur writer is fine, great even—it’s where we all start. But the moment you spend three whole chapters dragging us through Vincent’s tragic son subplot instead of focusing on the protagonist (who probably is that son, but done in such a bad subtext way it doesn't feel like it), you lose whatever goodwill you started with. Three chapters! THREE. And it’s all so painfully overwritten and full of redundant emotions that it’s exhausting. You could’ve condensed that into one and a half chapters, tops, and actually gotten to the point without killing the reader’s patience. Instead, you’ve got me trudging through this like I’m stuck in a bad soap opera.

Let’s talk logos, the logic of your story—or, well, the lack thereof. Because when I tell you this story collapses under its own weight, I’m not exaggerating. Let’s take John’s death, for example: the truck, the cat, and the lightning strike. Oh, my god. Are you kidding me? Why does this have to happen like it’s a game of "what absurd thing can we add to this death scene"? It’s ridiculous. You’re leaning into every isekai trope so hard that instead of standing out, you trip over yourself. The moment anyone actually thinks critically about that sequence, the entire premise falls apart. And that melodrama? It doesn’t help—it actively murders any sense of plausibility your story might have had.

Now, because your ethos is shaky and your logos is straight-up dead, pathos doesn’t even have a chance to form properly. It’s like you were so terrified that readers wouldn’t feel anything that you just flooded the scenes with melodrama. You drowned us in overwrought prose, desperate to make sure we “got it.” But instead of feeling emotional, I’m sitting here annoyed. Why do I care about the cat? Or some random boy? Or Vincent, who’s clearly the actual main character and not John? Heck, why does Officer What’s-His-Face get a name and a dramatic role? It’s like you’re tossing every possible emotional thread at the wall and hoping something sticks. Spoiler: it doesn’t.

Honestly, it reads like you tried to write this with NovelAI or something, but the generator went haywire, and instead of fixing it, you just kept going because you didn’t understand your own intent. You threw things together, hoping it would all magically make sense. But it doesn’t. Chapters 4 and 5? Those are what the readers came for, not Vincent’s tragic-wine-and-pendant story.

To fix this mess, you’ve got to start with the basics. Cut the prose down—it’s bloated beyond belief. Stop drowning every moment in melodrama and trust your readers to use their imaginations. Most importantly, focus on John’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. Give him agency. Make him an actual character, not this weird, passive doll who just sits around letting things happen to him. Vincent should be supplementary, not the main focus.

Right now, John reads like the world’s most convenient self-insert: bland, passive, and absent of agency. Even by Chapter 5, he still hasn’t done anything meaningful. If you want to salvage this, you’ve got to do better. As it stands? This isn’t just amateur—it’s an unedited, directionless mess. Good luck. Do better.

Well Thank you for your feedback. This is my first novel and I just wanted to try something. A lot of people have suggested wrapping up John’s storyline with his death in just one chapter. I will do these edits after new year. But man, I still thought the logos were good. Didn't expect that get thrown like this. Lol first time getting introduced to novelAI haven't heard about this. I realize now that I need to focus more on John as the main character from the beginning itself, which is something I overlooked. Happy New Year, Everyone. Anyways , I will be back for more roasts.

 

[Tempokai]

Thank you for your feedback and sorry to bother you so soon after. I reworked the first chapter and wanted to see if you could look it over once again. In all honesty, I've got no clue how to actually start a story and I didn't even have a story when I wrote that chapter. Rereading what I wrote, I think I made the mistake of knowing everything about Veri and not letting the reader in on what's actually happening in his mind at all. I tried to do that more in this revised version. I also tried to let the audience know not to take what Veri does or says too seriously. I'm trying not to just say it outright and keep a bit of subtlety, but I may need to be more blunt. I want to make this Chunni MC thing work.

I kept the part about Veri losing his phone the same since it comes up later in the story. I also kept the last paragraph from the original chapter since I still think it's a nice way of ending, but please let me know if you disagree with that choice. The main reason I'm writing a web novel is to get some writing experience so your roasting is very helpful.

Please, rip me to shreds.

The Revival of The Vampire Empress! - Chapter 1: The Lost Time | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

That's certainly an improvement. The self-awareness around Veri’s antics helps a lot, and the intro with Cacophony sets a better tone. It isn't cringe now. That said, the pacing still drags a bit during the classroom scene, and the tonal shifts between comedy, introspection, and supernatural elements need smoothing out, because they feel stitched together, rather than one continuous narrative. Charlotte could use more personality beyond reacting to Veri if she'll be important side character, and the cracks now lack gravitas. Develop the background a little more before jumping to the main character. The ending monologue tries to be profound but feels disconnected, break the fourth wall a little bit more if you want to leave it as is. You’re on the right track—keep tightening things up, and this opening could work. Gotta run, it’s New Year’s chaos here.

 

[Tempokai]

I've got one chapter for you, and I am ready. Tear. me. down.

The Glades of Embers

On the brink of a celestial war, mortal Selene is pulled into a realm of angels and demons, where her fate is entwined with a heavenly guardian and his darkly captivating rival. With her soul bond at stake and the fae spiralling into chaos, they’ll risk heaven and hell...

www.scribblehub.com

I’ve read through “Chapter 1” of this webnovel, and it’s clear you’re trying to write smutty fantasy only you had asked for. But let’s be real—what you’ve delivered is less "erotic fantasy masterpiece" and more "purple prose parade with a side of character passivity." I’ve read better smut than this, even from female POVs, and no, don’t ask me why. What’s important here is that your writing fails to do what all good smut—or even halfway decent storytelling—should do: captivate with purpose. Kenneth Burke is my rhetorical muse today (New Year's!), so buckle up, because I'm about to analyze just how thoroughly your act, scene, agent, agency, and purpose fall apart through the Burkean spirit.

Like I always do, I'll start your synopsis. It’s supposed to be a persuasive siren song, seducing the reader into diving headfirst into your work, but instead, it reads like a checklist of fantasy clichés: celestial war, love triangle, soul bond, yada yada yada. It screams "shut your brain off and read," which is fine, I guess, for the smut crowd—but even brainless smut deserves clarity of purpose. What I, a normal bloke who's freezing his fingers off because it's cold in my room, actually getting from it? Is it just sexy angels fighting over a mortal with the personality of lukewarm AI generated husbando? Because that’s all your synopsis communicates. Give me a reason to care about Selene beyond her being some celestial plot coupon and actually persuade me that this isn’t a rehash of every generic fantasy romance ever written.

Now, let’s talk about your chapter—because if the synopsis was a failure to persuade, Chapter 1 is the hallmark of the failed Burkean dramatic framework. Yes, it works everywhere, even in smut, which I'm trying to prove by writing this roast. The act, the central driving force of this scene, is essentially: Selene sneaks out because she needs to have a sultry reunion with Klaus, faints, has a vision, and then makes out some more, because why waste the energy, amirite? This should establish the stakes, Selene’s motivations, and the dynamics between her and Klaus. Instead, it feels like you’re stalling for time while stuffing the chapter full of overwrought descriptions of the wind, the salt air, and Klaus’ abs. Sure, it’s technically an act, but it’s hollow—there’s no tension, no real movement, just Selene reacting to the next thing Klaus does with the wide-eyed passivity of a deer in the headlights.

Your scene—oh, the scene. I can tell you love your world-building, and that’s cute, but the lush prose is doing all the work here. The salt breeze, the flickering firelight, the mossy path—yeah, I get it, the setting is moody and atmospheric. But it’s so over-described that it smothers the narrative. The scene should amplify the act, but here, given the fact that act is essentially meaningless, it distracts from the fact that nothing meaningful is happening. It’s like slathering icing onto a stale cake—you can pile it on all you want, but it won’t fix the foundation.

Agent, your MC, Selene? She’s barely a participant in her own story. She’s pulled into Klaus’ orbit like a stray planet, reacting to his summons, his smoldering looks, his wet shirt—which you felt the need to describe with the intensity of a thirst post on social media. Where’s her agency, her desires that aren't levitating around people her, her choices, or at least explanation on why she's doing it? Selene spends the entire chapter fainting, longing, and gazing wistfully—she doesn’t do anything, and this makes her more of an sentient object than a character. If her only purpose is to be agent of Greater Smut, then why should we care about her?

Speaking of agency, what are Selene’s tools for navigating her world? A knife, sure, cool, but she doesn’t use it. Her intelligence, nope, no sign of it here. Her sexuality? Sure, if you count all the fainting and swooning as sexual agency. The truth is, there’s no meaningful agency in this chapter. And yes, I know purple prose is the lifeline of smut—oh, how well I know—but even in the steamiest of scenes, there needs to be meaningful action, not just endless paragraphs of Selene passively melting into Klaus’ presence. If I have to read another 200 words long paragraph about sexual acts done by both of the agents fully submerged in purple prose, I might start skipping ahead just to save my sanity.

The last, purpose. What’s the point of this chapter? What does it accomplish besides setting a scene and tone before eventual celestial isekai? If your goal was to titillate a reader, it fails even at that. There’s no meaningful sexual intercourse here, nothing that deepens the relationship between Selene and Klaus or gives insight into their characters. It’s all surface-level lust, beautifully described but emotionally empty. Smut, even brainless smut, needs purpose—whether it’s to develop the plot, explore the characters, or just straight-up deliver some steamy, well-written escapism, and currently your opening chapter does none of these things.

If I had any advice for you, it would be this: don’t write smut like this. Not because smut is bad—it’s an art form when done well—but because this isn’t smut, it’s just a series of shallow, overwritten moments strung together with no clear purpose. Trim the purple prose from all things, from the descriptions of a scene to the physical actions, even MC's thoughts. Give MC agency, because her only agency is being a thot. And for the love of Burke, Booth, and all the rhetorical gods Selene keeps secretly praying to, give us meaningful interactions between the characters. Otherwise, this isn’t The Glades of Embers. It’s The Glades of Ennui.

What a year to start a roast with smutty webnovel, eh...

 

[RedMoonBlue]

I feel like my writing is shet in the starting chapters, so I want you to roast me Hard
link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/644643/paranoia/

 

[Tempokai]

If you are in the mood I would be very grateful if you give it a roast.

Jing-The last Archmages

I've read your three chapters, and to put it gently: your webnovel and the opening chapters don’t just miss the mark—it fires the arrow backward, setting the target on fire in the process. The storytelling struggles so much that I couldn’t tell if it was a narrative experiment or a tragic accident. If English isn’t your first language, I commend you for tackling the challenge, but effort alone doesn’t excuse the result. It’s like someone handing you a burnt cake and saying, “Well, at least I tried.” That’s great, but I still can’t eat it.

Let’s start with the glaring problem of Strange Capitalization, where random nouns are dressed up as if they’re off to a gala: "Man," "Tiger," "Priest." Why they're Capitalized like that, Is This Some Kind Of 18th century text? It’s the kind of thing a reader might forgive if the story itself wasn’t wheezing on the side of the road. But compared to your story’s other failings, this is just a nitpick. The real issue is that your webnovel fails to engage, me at least, who read a lot of similar works. By the "meager" webnovel standards I'm putting this webnovel at it still fails as a piece of fiction.

Here’s the real kicker: you’ve violated the Dao of Rhetoric, a guide specifically designed to help stories connect with their audience. You’ve trampled ethos, strangled logos, and buried pathos in an unmarked grave. Instead of weaving an immersive world that invites readers in, you’ve turned worldbuilding into a self-indulgent spectacle. Your setting feels less like a functional backdrop and more like a desperate attempt to scream, “Look how clever I am!” Newsflash: if your worldbuilding doesn’t serve the story, it serves no one.

The ethos of your implied author—the storyteller presented through your work—feels amateur at best. Synopsis is passable at the first glance, but that nitpick (strange capitalization) would've made me not read it in the wild. Too amateurish for me. Synopsis promises a dark, gripping tale of gods, curses, and intrigue, but it delivered was tonal chaos and a protagonist who behaves more like a food blogger on a bad day than a feared archmage. Your worldbuilding might’ve looked good on paper, but in practice, it alienates readers because it’s disconnected from the characters and plot. You’ve built a world so big that you forgot to make it matter.

Opening chapters are NEED to grab readers by the throat and demand their attention. Every good story has one, where it has incident, character introduction, and stakes. Instead, yours casually hand out snacks while the plot aimlessly wanders in circles while avoiding real plot. MC is introduced with all the gravitas of a poorly written sitcom character, and the Emperor is such a joke I half expected a laugh track to play every time he spoke. If it's supposed to be a parody or satire, congratulations, you've done it. If it's not, yikes, big L. Your story’s opening chapters failed me as a critical reader because you didn’t earn my trust.

Oh, don’t even get me started on logos. The logic of your world crumbles the second you ask questions. Why does Zhang Jing stroll around the capital buying snacks when she’s fresh out of prison? Why is she treated like a walking one man army by everyone except the plot, which hands her a series of convenient wins and gives her unhinged personality that isn't justified? Why do assassins in the chapter 1 fight like drunken men instead of actual competent killers? Nothing holds up under scrutiny because your story doesn’t bother to answer the most basic "why."

And because ethos and logos are dead in the water, pathos doesn’t stand a chance. How am I supposed to care about Zhang Jing when she’s introduced as a one-dimensional, snarky caricature? Sure, OP CN characters are all like that, but it's just using a trope without making it compelling. Her constant quipping makes her come off as a Tumblr emo chick from 2012 instead of a nuanced character. The Emperor’s fear of her could’ve been a powerful emotional anchor, but you undercut it with his hangover soup and ridiculous antics. The Head Priest, who could’ve added tension, gets reduced to the butt of her jokes.

Can't forget about technical issues. Sure, they’re there—clunky prose, bloated descriptions, pacing slower than the 3000 chapters long xianxia story, those pale in comparison to the bigger issue: your story fundamentally fails to connect with readers. This isn’t about nitpicking grammar or syntax. It’s about the fact that your storytelling choices actively sabotage your own narrative.

Don’t tell me this is “just a draft”—your synopsis and chapters are meant to sell the story, and right now, they’re doing the opposite. Don’t blame this on writing in a second language—effort doesn’t excuse a lack of clarity or engagement. Don’t say you’re “writing for a niche audience”—the problems here aren’t about style preferences; they’re about bad storytelling fundamentals. And don’t try to convince me this will “all make sense later.” If you can’t make the opening chapters work, why would anyone stick around to see what comes next?

Here’s my advice: Learn the basics of storytelling and rhetoric, starting with how to build ethos, logos, and pathos. Even basic understanding of "I'm writing for others" would be good. Stop writing worldbuilding for the sake of showing off and start writing to serve the story, as currently you undermine yourself with your writing. Your opening chapters are where readers decide whether to trust you to give a compelling story, and right now, they’re saying, “No thanks.” Fix that, or you’ll be telling this story to an audience of one.

 

[Little-Moon]

I've read your three chapters, and to put it gently: your webnovel and the opening chapters don’t just miss the mark—it fires the arrow backward, setting the target on fire in the process. The storytelling struggles so much that I couldn’t tell if it was a narrative experiment or a tragic accident. If English isn’t your first language, I commend you for tackling the challenge, but effort alone doesn’t excuse the result. It’s like someone handing you a burnt cake and saying, “Well, at least I tried.” That’s great, but I still can’t eat it.

Let’s start with the glaring problem of Strange Capitalization, where random nouns are dressed up as if they’re off to a gala: "Man," "Tiger," "Priest." Why they're Capitalized like that, Is This Some Kind Of 18th century text? It’s the kind of thing a reader might forgive if the story itself wasn’t wheezing on the side of the road. But compared to your story’s other failings, this is just a nitpick. The real issue is that your webnovel fails to engage, me at least, who read a lot of similar works. By the "meager" webnovel standards I'm putting this webnovel at it still fails as a piece of fiction.

Here’s the real kicker: you’ve violated the Dao of Rhetoric, a guide specifically designed to help stories connect with their audience. You’ve trampled ethos, strangled logos, and buried pathos in an unmarked grave. Instead of weaving an immersive world that invites readers in, you’ve turned worldbuilding into a self-indulgent spectacle. Your setting feels less like a functional backdrop and more like a desperate attempt to scream, “Look how clever I am!” Newsflash: if your worldbuilding doesn’t serve the story, it serves no one.

The ethos of your implied author—the storyteller presented through your work—feels amateur at best. Synopsis is passable at the first glance, but that nitpick (strange capitalization) would've made me not read it in the wild. Too amateurish for me. Synopsis promises a dark, gripping tale of gods, curses, and intrigue, but it delivered was tonal chaos and a protagonist who behaves more like a food blogger on a bad day than a feared archmage. Your worldbuilding might’ve looked good on paper, but in practice, it alienates readers because it’s disconnected from the characters and plot. You’ve built a world so big that you forgot to make it matter.

Opening chapters are NEED to grab readers by the throat and demand their attention. Every good story has one, where it has incident, character introduction, and stakes. Instead, yours casually hand out snacks while the plot aimlessly wanders in circles while avoiding real plot. MC is introduced with all the gravitas of a poorly written sitcom character, and the Emperor is such a joke I half expected a laugh track to play every time he spoke. If it's supposed to be a parody or satire, congratulations, you've done it. If it's not, yikes, big L. Your story’s opening chapters failed me as a critical reader because you didn’t earn my trust.

Oh, don’t even get me started on logos. The logic of your world crumbles the second you ask questions. Why does Zhang Jing stroll around the capital buying snacks when she’s fresh out of prison? Why is she treated like a walking one man army by everyone except the plot, which hands her a series of convenient wins and gives her unhinged personality that isn't justified? Why do assassins in the chapter 1 fight like drunken men instead of actual competent killers? Nothing holds up under scrutiny because your story doesn’t bother to answer the most basic "why."

And because ethos and logos are dead in the water, pathos doesn’t stand a chance. How am I supposed to care about Zhang Jing when she’s introduced as a one-dimensional, snarky caricature? Sure, OP CN characters are all like that, but it's just using a trope without making it compelling. Her constant quipping makes her come off as a Tumblr emo chick from 2012 instead of a nuanced character. The Emperor’s fear of her could’ve been a powerful emotional anchor, but you undercut it with his hangover soup and ridiculous antics. The Head Priest, who could’ve added tension, gets reduced to the butt of her jokes.

Can't forget about technical issues. Sure, they’re there—clunky prose, bloated descriptions, pacing slower than the 3000 chapters long xianxia story, those pale in comparison to the bigger issue: your story fundamentally fails to connect with readers. This isn’t about nitpicking grammar or syntax. It’s about the fact that your storytelling choices actively sabotage your own narrative.

Don’t tell me this is “just a draft”—your synopsis and chapters are meant to sell the story, and right now, they’re doing the opposite. Don’t blame this on writing in a second language—effort doesn’t excuse a lack of clarity or engagement. Don’t say you’re “writing for a niche audience”—the problems here aren’t about style preferences; they’re about bad storytelling fundamentals. And don’t try to convince me this will “all make sense later.” If you can’t make the opening chapters work, why would anyone stick around to see what comes next?

Here’s my advice: Learn the basics of storytelling and rhetoric, starting with how to build ethos, logos, and pathos. Even basic understanding of "I'm writing for others" would be good. Stop writing worldbuilding for the sake of showing off and start writing to serve the story, as currently you undermine yourself with your writing. Your opening chapters are where readers decide whether to trust you to give a compelling story, and right now, they’re saying, “No thanks.” Fix that, or you’ll be telling this story to an audience of one.

Thanks for the roast :) I'll try to improve a it slowly bit by bit then.

Btw. yes you guessed quite, English is far from my first language. Although I do guess that is quite obvious.

Edit/Add:

Yep I kind off overdid the world building (a lot, since I am a nut for world building) I already had a feeling about that hence my request for the roast.

 

[Tempokai]

Through The Eras

Every year, thousands of geniuses are born, and every year thousands die. In this cruel world of cultivation what does it take to reach the pinnacle? How many sacrifices, how many battles, how many hardships? In this never ending battle, who shall come out on top? Who or what holds...

www.scribblehub.com

I would like to put my hat in the ring as well.

I've read two chapters out of sheer curiosity, because synopsis was trash, and it didn't disappointed me. You’ve written two chapters that feel like they were cobbled together in a rush, not with care, but with a desperate hope that no one would look too closely. Synopsis asked some rhetorical questions that don't tie to characters, so it was big red flag for me. What I found in that red flag wasn’t storytelling; it was a clumsy, sprawling mess that manages to be amateur in the worst way possible.

If your story were a product, it wouldn’t just be unpalatable—it’d be the literary equivalent of mystery meat scavenged by raccoons. Those raccoons might be your audience because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t care that it’s riddled with clichés, structural failures, and the unmistakable stench of zero effort to innovate. You’ve taken xianxia tropes, well-worn and familiar, and treated them like a six-year-old wielding finger paint—messy, unimaginative, and without the charm of a child’s innocence to excuse it.

Your foundation of the story, even as basic of basics of xianxia, crumbles under even the lightest scrutiny. You violated the Dao of Worldmaking so thoroughly that it’s weeping in a corner, clutching its principles for comfort. The world isn’t coherent; it’s a chaotic mishmash of ideas thrown together without thought for composition, weighting, or even basic refinement. Your authorial descent from heavens (fourth wall) to explain cultivation, a big mistake that I would've skipped if it was addendum, but here it ties to the story. Those info-dumps are not worldbuilding; they’re literary quicksand, dragging your narrative into an abyss where engagement goes to die.

And then there’s the rhetoric—or rather, the total absence of it. From the synopsis to the last word of Chapter 2, your story doesn’t try to persuade me to believe in its world. Persuasion is survival, as I’ve so eloquently explained in the Dao of Rhetoric. But instead of ethos, you’ve given us disjointed pacing, inconsistent tone, and cardboard characters. Feng Ji, your protagonist, is supposed to be our anchor, yet he’s flatter than a puddle after a storm. That dude's sacrifice is emotionally hollow, a gesture buried under poor grenmar and badly thought out plot.

You want readers to care about your story, but you fail utterly at creating emotional resonance—pathos. The supposed emotional high points, like Feng Ji’s despair or Ling Xin’s resolve, are undercut by your relentless need to explain every detail. Instead of making me feel the stakes, you just throw away the reader's experience into nether. It’s as if you’ve mistaken words for weight, piling them on in the hopes that sheer quantity will mask the lack of substance.

And the logic—logos—is fractured at every turn. Why does a Beast Tide suddenly threaten the family fortress, why you explain it with throwing "it's sudden, please don't question" motives? Why is Feng Ji’s escape reliant on Ling Xin’s teleportation ability, which is introduced mid-chase with all the finesse of a wrecking ball? Nothing flows naturally; every event feels forced, like you’re dragging the story forward instead of letting it breathe.

To call this a first draft would be generous. I mean that. No, this is a zeroth draft, the kind you hide from the world while you refine and rework it. Slapping “Updated: v2.0” on it doesn’t change the fact that it’s nowhere near ready to be seen. Version numbers don’t excuse mediocrity—they just put a name on your unfinished homework.

Stop. Rethink. Don’t just toss tropes; earn your readers' trust with emotion, logic, and genuine craft. Study xianxia trends, read the masters, and learn why their work resonates. Twist tropes, integrate lore organically—don’t slap it on like a post-it. Start with my guides: The Dao of Worldmaking and The Dao of Rhetoric. Even a spark of understanding could lift your work above scavenger-level. Right now, you've broken all the good rules and dug a hole you’re shouting into. Stop shouting. Start crafting.

 

[asdf123456789]

I've read two chapters out of sheer curiosity, because synopsis was trash, and it didn't disappointed me. You’ve written two chapters that feel like they were cobbled together in a rush, not with care, but with a desperate hope that no one would look too closely. Synopsis asked some rhetorical questions that don't tie to characters, so it was big red flag for me. What I found in that red flag wasn’t storytelling; it was a clumsy, sprawling mess that manages to be amateur in the worst way possible.

If your story were a product, it wouldn’t just be unpalatable—it’d be the literary equivalent of mystery meat scavenged by raccoons. Those raccoons might be your audience because they’re the only ones who wouldn’t care that it’s riddled with clichés, structural failures, and the unmistakable stench of zero effort to innovate. You’ve taken xianxia tropes, well-worn and familiar, and treated them like a six-year-old wielding finger paint—messy, unimaginative, and without the charm of a child’s innocence to excuse it.

Your foundation of the story, even as basic of basics of xianxia, crumbles under even the lightest scrutiny. You violated the Dao of Worldmaking so thoroughly that it’s weeping in a corner, clutching its principles for comfort. The world isn’t coherent; it’s a chaotic mishmash of ideas thrown together without thought for composition, weighting, or even basic refinement. Your authorial descent from heavens (fourth wall) to explain cultivation, a big mistake that I would've skipped if it was addendum, but here it ties to the story. Those info-dumps are not worldbuilding; they’re literary quicksand, dragging your narrative into an abyss where engagement goes to die.

And then there’s the rhetoric—or rather, the total absence of it. From the synopsis to the last word of Chapter 2, your story doesn’t try to persuade me to believe in its world. Persuasion is survival, as I’ve so eloquently explained in the Dao of Rhetoric. But instead of ethos, you’ve given us disjointed pacing, inconsistent tone, and cardboard characters. Feng Ji, your protagonist, is supposed to be our anchor, yet he’s flatter than a puddle after a storm. That dude's sacrifice is emotionally hollow, a gesture buried under poor grenmar and badly thought out plot.

You want readers to care about your story, but you fail utterly at creating emotional resonance—pathos. The supposed emotional high points, like Feng Ji’s despair or Ling Xin’s resolve, are undercut by your relentless need to explain every detail. Instead of making me feel the stakes, you just throw away the reader's experience into nether. It’s as if you’ve mistaken words for weight, piling them on in the hopes that sheer quantity will mask the lack of substance.

And the logic—logos—is fractured at every turn. Why does a Beast Tide suddenly threaten the family fortress, why you explain it with throwing "it's sudden, please don't question" motives? Why is Feng Ji’s escape reliant on Ling Xin’s teleportation ability, which is introduced mid-chase with all the finesse of a wrecking ball? Nothing flows naturally; every event feels forced, like you’re dragging the story forward instead of letting it breathe.

To call this a first draft would be generous. I mean that. No, this is a zeroth draft, the kind you hide from the world while you refine and rework it. Slapping “Updated: v2.0” on it doesn’t change the fact that it’s nowhere near ready to be seen. Version numbers don’t excuse mediocrity—they just put a name on your unfinished homework.

Stop. Rethink. Don’t just toss tropes; earn your readers' trust with emotion, logic, and genuine craft. Study xianxia trends, read the masters, and learn why their work resonates. Twist tropes, integrate lore organically—don’t slap it on like a post-it. Start with my guides: The Dao of Worldmaking and The Dao of Rhetoric. Even a spark of understanding could lift your work above scavenger-level. Right now, you've broken all the good rules and dug a hole you’re shouting into. Stop shouting. Start crafting.

Thanks for the review.

 

[Golden_Hyde]

Let’s break this down. A 25,000-word chapter isn’t just long—it’s insultingly long.

whoever did this for one chapter needs to be crucified. Holy cow that's so long, I'd rather compile it into a small volume with 2500 words each chapter

 

[Pujimaki]

I almost dropped a link but then I read the OP and it's Tempokai so I said nevermind, I'm not strong nor ready enough to handle Tempokai's roast.

 

[LazyMoofy]

Echo of The End

In a world ruled by strength, cultivation, and influence, what happens when one man alone holds the power to change everything? 'Welcome to the world...' Alaric, born into the family of a Duke, was believed to be just another child. But there’s nothing ordinary about him. Strength is...

www.scribblehub.com

Never in my life did i think it was a perfection but please go ahead. [I will probably cry myself to sleep after this.]

 

[Tsuruya]

Okay, I managed to get through two chapters of your masterpiece before realizing I wasn’t reading a webnovel so much as an edgy manhwa knockoff that forgot one essential thing: the pretty pictures. Seriously, you can’t just take a plot that’s already drowning in overused tropes, slap it into prose, and expect it to carry itself without the visual flair. Yes, it reads like that, I'm not kidding. If this was just a practice run for your betterment writing, okay, fine, good on you for putting words on a page and finding out how such narratives work. But as an actual webnovel you’ve released to the public? It’s DOA. Dead. On. Arrival.

Let’s just start with the tropes because, my god, they’re everywhere, and you don’t even try to hide them. You didn’t just take overused story beats and repackage them—you just tossed them at the reader raw, hoping they’d somehow work. Nelson Goodman, from whom I made the "Dao Of Worldmaking" anti-guide from has this idea about masking or deforming tropes (symbols in the "world") so they feel naturally fresh, but nope, you skipped that like it's not needed. We’ve got betrayal (of course), tragic dead parents (check), a brooding sadboy hero (naturally), and a shadowy “Darkness” entity that could’ve been compelling if it didn’t feel ripped from a bad fanfic of a better story. All that's left is nothing original, nothing to hook readers with, just a pile of clichés stacked like a game of Jenga on the verge of collapsing.

And let’s talk about your narratorial voice here because, wow, it’s screaming. Wayne Booth, which I was borrowing ideas a lot in this thread might call this your implied author, and what’s implied here is painfully clear: you read way too many depressing superpower webnovels and thought, “Hey, I can write one of these because I relate to depression!” Which, sure, fine, write what you know, but even for amateur writing, this is just... too amateur. It’s like you took all the tragic symbols Kenneth Burke talked about (manipulating symbols and how NOT to use them) and smashed them together in the most obvious, shallow way possible. You wanted me to cry over your protagonist’s tragic life, but instead, I’m rolling my eyes because you’re hitting me over the head with sadness like it’s a weapon and not a storytelling tool.

Let’s break this down rhetorically because it's what I was doing in this thread. First, your ethos is... yikes, it’s non-existent in a bad way. You’re copying what you’ve seen in other media without putting any personal spin on it, so there’s no sense of originality or trust in your abilities as a writer. It’s like you’re afraid to take risks and instead just parrot what worked in other stories—but worse. And originality, even if it’s subjective, is suffocating here under the sheer weight of the edginess you’ve crammed into every line. Then there’s logos. Where’s the logic in this story? Oh, right—there isn’t any. The worldbuilding doesn’t make sense, the characters’ actions don’t hold up under scrutiny, and nothing feels like it has a solid reason to exist except to push the plot forward awkwardly. Logic? Dead. I'm not exaggerating. In its place, PATHOS. So much PATHOS that I must put it in caps lock. Not the subtle kind that sneaks up on you and makes you feel something. No, this is melodramatic, screaming-in-your-face PATHOS that practically begs you to take it seriously while you’re trying not to laugh.

The thing with PATHOS is that it doesn’t work if you overdo it. When your story’s ethos is a shaky house, and logic is supposed to be the support beam, all the emotional theatrics in the world can’t save it from collapsing. PATHOS here doesn’t just ruin the story—it ruins itself because the reader, the observer these emotions are pointed at like a hoplite formation, keeping the observer at the distance, checks out without diving deeper, because they feel that this will go on and on without improving (even if ironically things will improve, but I have my doubts here). You’ve got a house on fire (literally and figuratively), but instead of inviting me in to care, you’re screaming “LOOK HOW SAD THIS IS” until I stop caring altogether. It’s exhausting. By the time your MC yells “MY PARENTS ARE DEAD” (yes, in all caps, basically) towards some stranger that screams "exposition dumping character", I was already out the door emotionally.

And yeah, there are technical issues here too. Can't forget about that. Pacing is a mess, you overemphasize boring things and gloss over important things, the dialogue is clunky enough that it feels like implied author didn't have emotional interactions with people while reading the depressing manwha, and the descriptions are so literal they read like stage directions. But honestly, those are the least of your problems. The biggest issue is that this story doesn’t try to convince me—at all—that it’s worth reading. It just assumes I’ll stick around because it’s tragic, as if tragedy is enough to make up for everything else that’s falling apart. It’s not. This isn’t a webnovel—it’s a first draft. A draft you should’ve kept locked away until you were ready to rewrite it with some actual effort and thought. But nope, here we are, and it’s out in the world for people to read without irony.

Tsuru the harsh-reviewer, APPROVES.

 

[Tempokai]

Primal Ascension

Every planet begins its journey of formation with a cloud of gas and dust, and becomes perfect after awakening its mana. And following that evolves the creatures dwelling on that planet: Humans, monsters, plants, everything. Nick is one of these people with an ability that let him see the...

www.scribblehub.com

Roast mine, but roast should be genuine. Go for it!

Ah, so, I’ve read your first three chapters, and let me say, it’s the most Royal Roadian of Royal Road drivel I’ve ever come across. Nothing outstanding, nothing particularly heinous—just a perfect storm of mediocrity slathered in the same tired formula that plagues the genre. Let me don a hat from the particularly sarcastic doctor from that Russian 90s movie. Ahem. Your story suffers from a chronic case of royalroadgenitis, that syndrome of mediocrity where prose becomes so predictable, so aggressively safe, that both its strengths and weaknesses dissolve into a flavorless sludge for obsessively pandered RR audience to suck at. It’s not even bland, because bland is at least distinct in its blandness—it’s just there. Existing, floating along, singing "Once in a Lifetime" like some unhinged salaryman.

Do I need to analyze this further? Read it again to grasp some life-altering nuance? Ask myself "Well… how did I get here?" Absolutely not. I don’t need a microscope to spot the obvious. Your story is a victim of the classic trifecta: mediocre ethos, lukewarm logos, and the pièce de résistance—emotionally comatose pathos.

Now, your self-insert MC, Nick. His name alone nearly fried my generic-o-meter, a device so robust it shrugs off isekai harem protagonists. Nick isn’t a character; he’s an emotional mannequin—a hollow plastic shell for readers to project their feelings onto because thinking for themselves is apparently too ambitious.

And that’s fine! There’s nothing inherently wrong with making your protagonist a soulless avatar for the Californyanyan-brand RR reader to project onto. Those readers—bless them—will devour anything where the main character gets handed a cheat skill, levels up, and stumbles through contrived social dynamics with a confidence that’s as earned as a participation trophy at a middle school science fair. But let’s not pretend there’s artistry here. Nicklas is a product, yet another vessel of a higher being called "reader", not a person, and your prose treats him as such. He’s perfectly engineered to make your audience feel like they’re “living the journey” without requiring the pesky burden of thinking critically about said journey.

It’s not bad—just painfully competent, like a high school marketing AI churning out genre filler. You’ve got the mana-infused world (generic), the cheat skill (predictable), the sexy healer with a glowing plant (exposition and fan service—admittedly nice). Then there’s the arrogant noble girl with a "plump chest" for Nick to sneer at, because why wouldn’t our emotionally constipated protagonist also be a casual misogynist? And, of course, the golden ticket moment: Nick’s “useless” skill magically becomes OP with zero effort, growth, or tension. This is the Dao of Market, and you, dear patient with royalroadgenitis, are waddling down its well-worn path like a farmyard chicken.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with it. You’ve mastered pandering to perfection. Your writing twists and contorts to serve the whims of the "ideal RR reader"—that dopamine-hungry modern caveman grunting, "number go up, me like, monster SMASH, BOOBA, unintelligible monkey noises." This isn’t storytelling; it’s vending-machine content. Insert time, press “OP MC,” wait for that lukewarm can of escapism to dispense. Bravo, you’ve cracked the formula! It’s just unfortunate that the formula is so mind-numbingly predictable that anyone who’s read a single Royal Road story could outline your next ten chapters without breaking a sweat.

And the prose, oh, the prose is efficient, I’ll give you that. It reads like it was copied from yet another writing workshop, and that's fine. It’s not bad enough to offend, but it’s not good enough to shine. It exists in this purgatory of readability where the words just flow through the reader’s eyes like water through a sieve—leaving nothing behind. There are no moments of beauty, where MC has pathos to shine, no clever turns of phrase because it will detract from brutalistic efficiency of plot advancement, no personality to speak of, and that's fine. It’s all functional, like a mediocre PowerPoint presentation. Sure, it works, sure, people will consume it. But will anyone remember it? Savor it? Return to it? Not a chance.

Here’s the thing, though—your story isn’t for people who’ve read too many Royal Road stories, and certainly not for tired of cliche readers. It’s for the fresh meat, the readers who are new to the genre and still think a mythical cheat skill is the height of originality. For them, your story might just be engaging. For the rest of us, though? It’s boring. Safe. Predictable. An endless procession of “been there, done that.”

And that’s fine. Nothing. Wrong. With. It. You’re pandering to your audience, and they’ll eat it up because that’s what they’re here for. But for those of us who’ve seen this song and dance a hundred times before? It’s the narrative equivalent of stale bread—still edible, but only if you’ve got nothing better to chew on.

This story is lukewarm chicken soup—enough to survive on, but utterly bland. It entertains a "niche" audience, but that’s it. The question is yours, author: will you write stories people forget after devouring, or create something that lingers? Right now, it’s just another middling tale in the Royal Road sludge, too meh to mock, too weak to wow. Same as it ever was, and probably it will be for a long time.

 

[philpil2010]

burn it shred it. I need to know what's wrong with it

 

[anonjohn20]

burn it shred it. I need to know what's wrong with it

Post a link to it, then. These people asking for reviews honestly want others to look at their signature?

 

[GodsChosenEmperor]

Help me pls

Radiant Morning

In the dawn of a new era, legends from previous years past will crawl their way back into the heart of the world of Radaris. The future was made by a past and when that past is covered in the decaying webs of time by those who lost the battle...

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