When a protagonist loses plot armor

Ziavory

Active member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
12
Points
43
So I'm writing a story and need honest feedback.
It only has 4 chapters but I think that's well...a decent amout considering the time I started writing.
So anyone interested?
 

HonestMistake

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2019
Messages
58
Points
58
It's good so far, havn't really seen any glaring mistakes. Don't know who the MC or what the plot is yet, but that will come later. Keep writing, need some more chapters to really tell you what I think of it.
 

AMissingLinguist

Missing member
Joined
Jan 14, 2019
Messages
58
Points
73
It would be great if you linked it to your comment. This would've saved some time searching for it.

There's a spelling error in the synopsis. It's "waifus", not "wifus", unless "wifus" is some urban slang that I haven't heard of yet.

I noticed spelling errors and comma misuse in the first chapter. "Smoke arose form[sic] every cottages[...]" from*. Also, it should be cottage and not cottages. "every cottage" covers all cottages, so saying "every cottages" would be a set of sets of cottages, which don't make sense in English.

"Curiosity emerged in the face of one, whilst the other, was latched with pain." Remove the second comma.

"'So...beautiful,'

She whispered and reached out to touch the head of both infants."
If you're going to end dialogue in a comma, then something should come after it.
"I see what you're saying," the author said.

"Honey colored hair and eyes, it was a trait they both shared." Both the babies are asleep, so how could the eyes be described as honey colored? Do these babies sleep with their eyes open? Move this sentence to after the babies open their eyes.


Good luck on your story.
 

Ziavory

Active member
Joined
Jan 3, 2019
Messages
12
Points
43
It would be great if you linked it to your comment. This would've saved some time searching for it.

There's a spelling error in the synopsis. It's "waifus", not "wifus", unless "wifus" is some urban slang that I haven't heard of yet.

I noticed spelling errors and comma misuse in the first chapter. "Smoke arose form[sic] every cottages[...]" from*. Also, it should be cottage and not cottages. "every cottage" covers all cottages, so saying "every cottages" would be a set of sets of cottages, which don't make sense in English.

"Curiosity emerged in the face of one, whilst the other, was latched with pain." Remove the second comma.

"'So...beautiful,'

She whispered and reached out to touch the head of both infants."
If you're going to end dialogue in a comma, then something should come after it.
"I see what you're saying," the author said.

"Honey colored hair and eyes, it was a trait they both shared." Both the babies are asleep, so how could the eyes be described as honey colored? Do these babies sleep with their eyes open? Move this sentence to after the babies open their eyes.


Good luck on your story.
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.
 

sage61

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2019
Messages
49
Points
58
I like this story a lot. Please update it :blob_aww: ?
 
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