BenJepheneT
Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2019
- Messages
- 5,344
- Points
- 233
As the fellow brain-dead gamer I am, it is not often that I put my mind to use, much less good use. This is not one of those time.
Rather, this is where I spend copious amount of time to consider something impossible and in no way arriving in the near, far, or cyberpunk future. Instead of helping out the poor or dressing up as Spiderman in the cancer treatment facility of the local hospital, I have come up with a set of poorly thought-out reasons why racing games will be the last ones standing if the anti-vaxx Karens ever gain the Dragon Balls and go on strike.
We Are Simply Under The Radar
Racing games have been thoroughly ignored throughout the gaming community. With the one and only Mario Kart series to be the face of our genre, there is no denying how criminally underrated our games get, especially towards the more MAJOR genres in the industry. Shooters take one look at our Forzas and Gran Turismos and sigh deeply as they walk away with their Call of Duties and Battlefields. MOBAs barely glance at our Need for Speeds and Burnouts before going back to polishing their already shining trophies full of LOL and Dota skins and matches. Even Overwatch - the cursed child of the two genres get more face than our genre as a WHOLE.
Well guess what, don't blame us for having a bulleyes as a target.
What's the face of the gaming industry tea, huh? That's right, that one No Russian Mission from MW2, or that Hot Coffee Mod from San Andreas, or the statistics showing the amount of Asian NEETs simply dying on their 399$ gaming chairs while marathoning Star/Warcraft. What do racing games have?
No really, what do racing games have? Yeah, you can probably blame that drunk-driving you saw on the road this Tuesday on Carmageddon and DEFINITELY not that bottle of Johnny Walker in his hand.
Racing games simply have too less to have any actual flak thrown at them. The best they could come up with is they're teaching our children how to drive dangerously!!1111!!
Karen, that Forza Horizon game on little Timmy's XBoX has less influence than last Friday when you forgot your turn signal in front of his virgin eyes.
The moment he grows up and finds out how much a car costs you can bet your essential oils double-or-nothing that he'll drive safer than an anxious grandma.
We Got Literally Nothing to Spend On
You all know what I'm saying- don't advert your 500$ Karambit skinned eyes, I know you know what I'm saying.
When the Karens start bringing up on how games are making children spend money on virtual items, you can bet our V8 ballsacks that we'll go scotfree with only a few pubic hair tugged. Racing games in general have no spending needed. Everything you ever want or need or have to have is in the default build itself.
Want a pink car? Bam, just change the paint and that's it. Want a pink AK? Gotta' pay 2$ for that, n00b. Want a pink skin for that hot looking elvish archer? Bam, there goes your lunch money.
The only thing Karens have got on us is the DLCs, and we can thank NFS: MW (2012) for that. Yeah, just pray that the words hadn't reached the Aloe Vera-scented noses of the hive-minded Karens or there'd be an extra noose at the gallows.
We Offer A Somewhat Decent Platform For Creativity (?)
Customization in gaming has been on the rise. Unless you can slap a bellend onto the frontal lobe of your medic helmet, you can say goodbye to that portion of money-to-be-made.
Boy, do we have top tier customization in our racing games.
Our customization is so top tier that their actual idiots out there who use racing games to customize their cars and liveries and wraps before moving onto the actual thing. We cater to everyone ranging from #vapenaysh Subie bros to little kids who wants to slam their Lambos lower than their IQ, to Civic weedwhackers who think their EK9 started the big bang to people with actual artistic talent that can make decent stuff with a C8 Corvette (I tried making a decent wrap for it and oh god the horror)
And that's not all. You get all that in the game itself for fuckin' free. Never in history has there been a DLC for customization options in racing game (save for the aforementioned MW (2012) and Burnout Paradise, but those are exceptions. Like how you'd expect a few not-so-well-done pies in a bakery).
Maybe that's something we can bring up in the UN discussion of whether to wipe games off the face of the globe, that little Timmy has a higher employment rate if he keeps sticking cartoon penises onto his edgy, matte black his GT-R.
We Are Less Angrier (?)
This is up for discussion. I've seen folks in Black Ops XBoX Live go apeshit bananuts over a care package or that the fact that shotguns can sometimes one-shot at a medium range. As to MOBAs, I don't need to give examples. Take a beautiful look at the burning hillside that is the Asian Twitch channels and you'd see what I'm talking about. Those soy beans are the face of anger management, I swear.
As for racing games, we simply don't have anything to talk about. Sure, we got rammers and some broken physics but we're less insecure about rammers because we know they ram to make up for their lack of skill and penis size and the broken physics happen as often as a fully paid Student Loan. You're more likely to see a controller through a television in a Team Deathmatch than an Elimination Circuit round.
So yeah, I guess we can have Less Angrier Players on the conference if the Karens ever give the gamers a chance to appeal. They'll probably shout our good points down but eh, it's worth the shot.
We Have Actual Use in The Real Racing World
Believe it or not, there are actual GoKart, stock car, procar, NASCAR and even F1 drivers that use Gran Turismo as a training ground before hitting the asphalt. They memorize chicanes and apexes and through the ever evolving physics, actually learn the whole course without touching blacktop.
I don't know, maybe there'll be a future where guns move as light as you see in TF2 or an actual need for top-down battle strategies involving three lanes and disposable minions. For now, it's just our lonely asses in here.
So yeah, that's really it. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Really hope I don't see you again cause' quite frankly, this is a massive waste of both our times.
Rather, this is where I spend copious amount of time to consider something impossible and in no way arriving in the near, far, or cyberpunk future. Instead of helping out the poor or dressing up as Spiderman in the cancer treatment facility of the local hospital, I have come up with a set of poorly thought-out reasons why racing games will be the last ones standing if the anti-vaxx Karens ever gain the Dragon Balls and go on strike.
We Are Simply Under The Radar
Racing games have been thoroughly ignored throughout the gaming community. With the one and only Mario Kart series to be the face of our genre, there is no denying how criminally underrated our games get, especially towards the more MAJOR genres in the industry. Shooters take one look at our Forzas and Gran Turismos and sigh deeply as they walk away with their Call of Duties and Battlefields. MOBAs barely glance at our Need for Speeds and Burnouts before going back to polishing their already shining trophies full of LOL and Dota skins and matches. Even Overwatch - the cursed child of the two genres get more face than our genre as a WHOLE.
Well guess what, don't blame us for having a bulleyes as a target.
What's the face of the gaming industry tea, huh? That's right, that one No Russian Mission from MW2, or that Hot Coffee Mod from San Andreas, or the statistics showing the amount of Asian NEETs simply dying on their 399$ gaming chairs while marathoning Star/Warcraft. What do racing games have?
No really, what do racing games have? Yeah, you can probably blame that drunk-driving you saw on the road this Tuesday on Carmageddon and DEFINITELY not that bottle of Johnny Walker in his hand.
Racing games simply have too less to have any actual flak thrown at them. The best they could come up with is they're teaching our children how to drive dangerously!!1111!!
Karen, that Forza Horizon game on little Timmy's XBoX has less influence than last Friday when you forgot your turn signal in front of his virgin eyes.
The moment he grows up and finds out how much a car costs you can bet your essential oils double-or-nothing that he'll drive safer than an anxious grandma.
We Got Literally Nothing to Spend On
You all know what I'm saying- don't advert your 500$ Karambit skinned eyes, I know you know what I'm saying.
When the Karens start bringing up on how games are making children spend money on virtual items, you can bet our V8 ballsacks that we'll go scotfree with only a few pubic hair tugged. Racing games in general have no spending needed. Everything you ever want or need or have to have is in the default build itself.
Want a pink car? Bam, just change the paint and that's it. Want a pink AK? Gotta' pay 2$ for that, n00b. Want a pink skin for that hot looking elvish archer? Bam, there goes your lunch money.
The only thing Karens have got on us is the DLCs, and we can thank NFS: MW (2012) for that. Yeah, just pray that the words hadn't reached the Aloe Vera-scented noses of the hive-minded Karens or there'd be an extra noose at the gallows.
We Offer A Somewhat Decent Platform For Creativity (?)
Customization in gaming has been on the rise. Unless you can slap a bellend onto the frontal lobe of your medic helmet, you can say goodbye to that portion of money-to-be-made.
Boy, do we have top tier customization in our racing games.
Our customization is so top tier that their actual idiots out there who use racing games to customize their cars and liveries and wraps before moving onto the actual thing. We cater to everyone ranging from #vapenaysh Subie bros to little kids who wants to slam their Lambos lower than their IQ, to Civic weedwhackers who think their EK9 started the big bang to people with actual artistic talent that can make decent stuff with a C8 Corvette (I tried making a decent wrap for it and oh god the horror)
And that's not all. You get all that in the game itself for fuckin' free. Never in history has there been a DLC for customization options in racing game (save for the aforementioned MW (2012) and Burnout Paradise, but those are exceptions. Like how you'd expect a few not-so-well-done pies in a bakery).
Maybe that's something we can bring up in the UN discussion of whether to wipe games off the face of the globe, that little Timmy has a higher employment rate if he keeps sticking cartoon penises onto his edgy, matte black his GT-R.
We Are Less Angrier (?)
This is up for discussion. I've seen folks in Black Ops XBoX Live go apeshit bananuts over a care package or that the fact that shotguns can sometimes one-shot at a medium range. As to MOBAs, I don't need to give examples. Take a beautiful look at the burning hillside that is the Asian Twitch channels and you'd see what I'm talking about. Those soy beans are the face of anger management, I swear.
As for racing games, we simply don't have anything to talk about. Sure, we got rammers and some broken physics but we're less insecure about rammers because we know they ram to make up for their lack of skill and penis size and the broken physics happen as often as a fully paid Student Loan. You're more likely to see a controller through a television in a Team Deathmatch than an Elimination Circuit round.
So yeah, I guess we can have Less Angrier Players on the conference if the Karens ever give the gamers a chance to appeal. They'll probably shout our good points down but eh, it's worth the shot.
We Have Actual Use in The Real Racing World
Believe it or not, there are actual GoKart, stock car, procar, NASCAR and even F1 drivers that use Gran Turismo as a training ground before hitting the asphalt. They memorize chicanes and apexes and through the ever evolving physics, actually learn the whole course without touching blacktop.
I don't know, maybe there'll be a future where guns move as light as you see in TF2 or an actual need for top-down battle strategies involving three lanes and disposable minions. For now, it's just our lonely asses in here.
So yeah, that's really it. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. Really hope I don't see you again cause' quite frankly, this is a massive waste of both our times.