I'll chuck my hat into this thread be as constructively blunt as possible.
Martyn, a young staunch panther-kin male, must find a way to power under his class as a monster tamer. Now fending for himself as an adventurer, he finds a chance when his failure rewards him, sparking a drive within him. To build a loving and strong monster girl, Harem! Note:...
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So my first impression is that this chapter lacks clarity. A first chapter needs to provide a clear hook. It needs to answer the question: "Why should I read this story? What's the thing that I want to find out about."
It hurt like hell. To call it a mind-splitting headache would be an understatement.
He quivered his tail, and his ears flopped down. Martyn was in theoretical hell. In front of him was a charred circle of grass.
Martyn is used in the 3rd sentence. A paragraph is meant to be read linearly so in order for this to work, Martyn needs to be in the first sentence because how it is now, someone has to read then back up and correct themselves.
1.) Someone is hurt.
2.) Someone has a tail and ears.
3.) Goto 1 and replace someone with Martyn (This is called a speed bump, readers drop fictions because of it.)
Unless this is some kind of EGO death? Did a panther beast kin get his soul replaced by an otherworlder? Unclear. (And if so I would say that is a big turn off for a lot of readers, body snatcher mechanics are really dark)
“Let’s go! Yes! I’m not a one-monster tamer! Even though I had to accept I could only tame one monster, having options now is much better.”
‘I can tame more monsters now! I’m not even mad about failing the summons; all this is much better.' A gleeful squeal left him.
Double quote or single quote for dialogue? Pick one and stick with it. If single quote is supposed to be inner monologue that is unclear to me. Arte they both talking out loud? Unclear.
[You have gained a multitude of titles! Your skill “strong mind” has levelled up!]
Leveled is spelled wrong.
Also, I would advise not using the term "multitude of tittles" If more than one thing happens list all of them, being vague is bad.
I would say I would not read this one. Mostly because it is really hard to follow followed by what looks like the protag is not likeable.
Okay, I know
@greyblob for no reason, lol, but I wanna know if you have the time to take a look at my draft. I don't mind if you won't anyway.
Synopsis Too raw to live, too far to die. Hajime expected the usual things upon being reborn into another world: dragons, magic, a skill system, or maybe even some “chosen hero” prophecy. Instead, he gets an open field and a million slimes surrounding him at every corner. Once the slimes ...
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I think the synopsis is good. It says it is about hoards of monsters in no uncertain terms. Very clear. Good job.
As for the first two paragraphs, they are passive voice. I'm not saying it is bad, but it doesn't make a good first impression.
Also, might want to pick different word for how the field looks. As it is now it is an oxymoron.
was a field devoid of life. There was nothing but blades of grass
Devoid of life.... but grass...
Um.... grass is alive, the field is not devoid of life if it has grass.
That was until he decided to kick a rock into one of the unassuming boulders. Just as he moved away into another spot, a faint voice beckoned, “Psst… over here.” At long last, there were signs of life.
Paragraphing matters. The first sentence establishes the actor of the paragraph to the reader. In this case "He" is the actor in this paragraph. I'm guessing "He" = Hajime
Why does this matter? Clarity.
"a faint voice" should get its own paragraph. Mixing actors in the same paragraph is confusing.
He raised an eyebrow, his mind creating a few scenarios over what that meant. Perhaps he was reincarnated into a world of ravenous zombies or mindless orcs. But that didn’t explain how the stranger didn’t carry as much as a sword, dagger, or RPG. “Would it hurt to explain what’s going on?” he asked.
All pronouns for this paragraph. Looks like it is Hajime talking but there is the stranger there who is also male, using something other than "he" to make it obvious it is Hajime would help here.
I would suggest naming the stranger sooner rather than later and think of some identifying traits of each character to replace the pronouns. EX: Hajime could be "black-haired youth" or something like that. While "stranger" could be man with a raspy voice or something. Picking an identify trait or two helps make it the characters stick out more.
If you feel like looking at one or both of mine, please do but if not, no biggie.
Strange Awakening (Does have a bit of a romance angle starting in CH 4 - not a main theme but present for ... well the rest of what I have written, 18 chapters, but until either tonight or tomorrow, only have five here)
Diamond in the Rough (Chapters may be a bit short, though)
Strange Awakening:
I awoke feeling unusual that morning. At first, I chocked it up to having drank too much the night before. However, as I stumbled around the bedroom, I passed by a mirror and saw, instead of the graying beard and craggy yet almost-but-not-quite-handsome face that always glared back at me in the morning, the face of one of, possibly the, most beautiful women I had ever seen.
This is a really good opening paragraph. +1
Other than that, it seems somewhat slice of life? After reading the first chapter I'm kinda wondering "So what?" I feel like it could be compressed with all the descriptions of stuff in the house.
1.) Wake up in another body.
2.) explore the new surroundings.
3.) End of chapter.
I question the relevancy of all the stuff.
Also, I'd advise putting a pic for the cover. Windows co-pilot can make something for you really easily. Having it blank will miss out on a lot of viewers.
If you feel like looking at one or both of mine, please do but if not, no biggie.
Strange Awakening (Does have a bit of a romance angle starting in CH 4 - not a main theme but present for ... well the rest of what I have written, 18 chapters, but until either tonight or tomorrow, only have five here)
Diamond in the Rough (Chapters may be a bit short, though)
As for diamond in the Rough, the chapters are a bit short but I think they end and begin with the next chapter in an organic manner. Only looked at the first two but it seems well done. The only thing I'd suggest changing is to only use untagged dialog when two people are taking. I get that it is just detective diamond who talks with untagged dialogue but adding a couple words is a small price to pay for clarity.
