- May 4, 2019
Yooo thanks!!Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing all the available chapters. The current last chapter is Chapter 1 – Light of the Lower Moon.
I'm not a furry, which means there is no chance that I will continue reading your novel. Though the quality is okay. Overall it's easy to read, and I like the way you write, but not by a lot. 60% like and 40% dislike. Too many descriptions of action to my taste, but maybe it's because it's the first chapter, I don't know.
There are some weird phrases.
They recovered from their surprise and tried to crawl out of it, but the hole only dug deeper into the ground. Weird second part.
She had been sprinting through this area not long ago, but she could properly take in the sight now. Again, weird second part.
The crooked and dark buildings behind them seemed as if they would fall apart at any minute, but yet they stood tall. But yet. I think it's a typo? If you wrote it intentionally don't do it anymore. One 'yet' is enough.
The people trudging around varied in nearly all ways, but a majority of the people here wore rags over their furred coats. A useless repetition of the word people. You can rewrite the sentence a bit and make it look better.
Trys shoved her glasses down on the table. Shoved the glasses down?
None other fit the title of Elder than the Dragon before her. Either misplaced words, a typo, or you forgot to write a word.
Apart from those sentences, I didn't notice any glaring mistakes, typos, or weird phrases. As I said before, overall, it's easy to read and comprehend which I rate high. Now that it's easy to read, I want a higher quality. More appropriate descriptions, add small details, a bit more non-weird metaphors, fewer descriptions of action, add slightly more exposition\thoughts, work on and improve the paragraphing, and make the text more smooth. I can't give advice on all the things I mentioned for two reasons. I would have to rewrite chunks of your novels and I'm a shit author, so chances are I wouldn't be able to show a good example. The second reason, I provide feedback as a reader. Rewriting is not something I do; I only state my likes and dislikes.
About the story itself. You gave way too many names and terms. That's a downside, in my opinion. There is no gradual learning of what is happening, and why I should care. Whenever I see such a novel, I want to drop it immediately. Because I constantly feel like I miss parts of the story.
A somewhat subjective dislike is the opening scene. A GANG with knives stole... apples... I might be the only one who is perplexed by the logic of this event, so I won't dwell on it for too long.
Another subjective dislike is the way you ended the chapter. I felt like it was not a proper cliffhanger. It felt more like you cut off a part of the chapter, which isn't a cliffhanger. A cliffhanger is something that urges you to learn what happens next. But in your case, I questioned myself why you ended it like that.
That's probably it. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3 stars. I don't have a lot to say, sorry. If you have some specific questions, I might answer them but don't expect much.
That's the kinda stuff I wanted to hear. And I'm not a furry either lmao, but it's fun to do different stuff.
The exposition/thoughts thing is the main one I've worried about since like... ever, so that's good to hear that I'm still not doing too well on that front. And the name-dumping's also another thing, so I'll take that into consideration. I'll see what I want to do with that after writing everything for this part.