Yet another free feedback thread.

[SailusGebel]

If you've got the time, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my first chapter, the link is in my signature. Feel free to skip it though, I'd already gotten quite a lot of feedback from different people! Not a high-priority post. But I can't say no to an offer for even more thoughts, the temptation is too strong...

Even one thought like "X could be better" or "I didn't like Y" would be amazing (but of course, the more I get the better, there's for sure lots of things that could be improved in a rewrite...)

Also big props for doing this for the community, you rock! Free feedback threads are amazing for new writers! <3

First of all, tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM. Secondly, there is a rule to post a link to your story. Usually, I read novels on my phone, and I can't see signatures on my phone.

 

[Ararara]

First of all, tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM. Secondly, there is a rule to post a link to your story. Usually, I read novels on my phone, and I can't see signatures on my phone.

Oh, sorry! Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/628236/wait--you-guys-have-systems/

I'm fine with both DMs or a public post in this thread. I guess public is better since there's a chance some other writers could find value in it? Whichever you prefer, and thanks for the lightning-fast reply. O_O!

 

[anthony59237]

Hello. Very new writer here and just started releasing my first work. If you have the time, could you please dm me your feedback? Thank you.

The Fam [Dark Comedy/Urban Fantasy]

In a world filled with elves, ogres, and humans coexisting amongst each other in a modern society, Cindy, a half-elf, has been faced with discrimination since the day she was born. When she moves to the City of Baldimore to become an Ubear driver, her world view is suddenly changed,...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[jtwrites]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Alright, I'm here to join the Masochists' Club. Here you go:

Redux Riding Hood [A Soft-Isekai Adventure]

“Alright, enough,” Red barks. “Listen pup, we can’t afford to waste time on your existential crisis. Jack just told you we’re being tracked, and it’s only a matter of time before something else is sent after us. If you really want to test your existence, then go...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for offering feedback and you are welcome to post that here! But I may have to quote you in my story description if I get any positive remarks out of you :)

I appreciate the feedback offer and I value your opinion! Hopefully, you'll find something worth reading in there!

 

[awgcoleman]

Hi, I'm not a new writer, but I am looking for feedback as to whether the first few chapters of my story are engaging. Basically, I've been focused on making sure people are drawn in at the beginning and want to keep reading as opposed to getting boredor feeling overwhelmed by info. My story is here -> https://www.scribblehub.com/series/444403/quest-of-the-seal-bearers--book--the-warriors-return/

It's fantasy adventure so I recognize that it depends on if the person even likes the genre of story whether they'll get sucked in. I'd rather have feedback DM'd as it's easier for me to get to. I appreciate it.

 

[SailusGebel]

Oh, sorry! Here's the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/628236/wait--you-guys-have-systems/

I'm fine with both DMs or a public post in this thread. I guess public is better since there's a chance some other writers could find value in it? Whichever you prefer, and thanks for the lightning-fast reply. O_O!

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 3: No Such Thing as a Stupid Question.

Unfortunately, I can't say much about your story, as there was nothing I disliked, yet your story is not my cup of tea.

In terms of quality, it was easy to read and comprehend, and I rate this highly. With my level of English, I didn't notice any mistakes that would distract me from reading, nor did I find an overly hard-to-understand vocabulary. I can't say I prefer your writing style over a few others I've rated highly, but I still liked it. The descriptions are nice, action is so-so in the part of the story I've read, but I don't rate action scenes as high as other things. Dialogues are nice.

The only thing I don't like at all is very subjective. I don't like that you use MC's nickname instead of the name in the narrator's speech. I don't know; it doesn't feel right to me to read stuff like that.

Examples.
Well, placebo or not, Emm didn’t care
Emm rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and stared blank-faced.

I would've preferred it if you were to keep the usage of nicknames to dialogue. Or give more personality to the narrator to justify the usage of a less formal way of talking.

And I think I saw a single typo. The key to getting going back to your beloved

As for the story itself, it's simply not my cup of tea. I can't judge it in any way or form because I haven't read enough. There were no logical mistakes which sometimes happen in the first few chapters of a story, that's a plus. The MC doesn't feel like Mary Sue and acts like a human, that's a plus. Worldbuilding? Can't say much. Other characters? Can't say much. So I can only end my feedback here.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. And for the first time, I actually have problems rating it if I had to. I liked your prose less than the prose of the other story with a rating of 3.75 stars. However, that story had more stuff I nitpicked about. So I don't really know where to place your story, and how to rate it.

 

[Shmab]

I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).

Hiya good sir! Here's my story if you can spare any time:

Damn this isn’t my house bruh

something silly

www.scribblehub.com

This is my first try at actually writing and I don't really know whether I'm doin any good or not, so please feel free to be as blunt and honest as possible. pls pm me
Thank you very muuuch

 

[SailusGebel]

Alright, I'm here to join the Masochists' Club. Here you go:

Redux Riding Hood [A Soft-Isekai Adventure]

“Alright, enough,” Red barks. “Listen pup, we can’t afford to waste time on your existential crisis. Jack just told you we’re being tracked, and it’s only a matter of time before something else is sent after us. If you really want to test your existence, then go...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks for offering feedback and you are welcome to post that here! But I may have to quote you in my story description if I get any positive remarks out of you :)

I appreciate the feedback offer and I value your opinion! Hopefully, you'll find something worth reading in there!

Good day to you. Sorry for taking so long to give you feedback. Lately, there has been a lot of work, and I didn't have enough time for this thread. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1.3 There Was a Fire Fight (Semi-Final Draft).

I dislike the way you write. It's very clunky. Before I start mentioning vague staff, I will talk about things I can point out. The first is weird phrases. Here are examples.

Having removed her hood, she pulls her brunette braid over her shoulder, I don't like how this sounds, it sounds weird to me.

The floor’s a mess, and it smells like death.” Smells like death doesn't sound quite right.

He finally manages to latch the door after fighting a near avalanche for several minutes. Near avalanche sounds weird.

An important thing to note, when I say weird, I don't mean that you are wrong. I'm saying that I, as a reader, haven't seen the phrase you used before, and it doesn't sound right. It breaks the immersion, and so on.

Here are examples of small mistakes.

A thump collides with the window causing Jack to back pedals away, axe at the ready. The wrong tense, I think.

to pull more and more handkerchief out of a pocket. More and more yet single handkerchief? Not plural?

Jack and Red stack next to the front door as Jack shoves plugs into his ears. Stack? What?

I've noticed a phrase that sounds good, yet in my opinion, it is out of character. It’s almost like having a banana that hasn’t been yellow for a few days. Does Wolf know the taste of a banana?

Your paragraphing and dialogues are so-so, which results in the following sentence. “You two have been playing me all this—wait, did someone say zombies?” I can't perceive this as a joke, nor can I perceive that wolf is slow-witted precisely because of how it was written. Right now, it looks as if the wolf wasn't in the room when Red and Jack talked.

Now I will talk about why your text is clanky.
Jack sweeps the butt of his axe handle around like a haymaker, collapsing a face and causing the transferred momentum to cause two other figures to fold around the first. In my opinion, this is a good example of a clunky and badly phrased sentence. Collapsing a face? Whose face? 'Causing the momentum' sounds weird, and 'figures to fold' doesn't suit the scene. 'Around the first' what? First body? First one? First zombie? First face?

You might think I'm nitpicking, but I'm not. You always write that someone did something; your text doesn't flow at all.
Wolf flinches at the sound of the shots and keeps ducking as more ring out. He drops to all fours and follows awkwardly as he maintains a grip on the stun-gun. He frantically looks about as more undead continue to converge on them from behind. Wolf growls and bares his fangs. He flinches, he drops, he maintains, he looks, he growls. You over-describe actions and movements.

As for the story, characters, world, and so on, I can't judge it in any way or form because I haven't read enough.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2 stars. Even though your chapters are around 1k words, I've spent way too much reading them. And I rate the readability higher than most things.

 

[jtwrites]

Good day to you. Sorry for taking so long to give you feedback. Lately, there has been a lot of work, and I didn't have enough time for this thread. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1.3 There Was a Fire Fight (Semi-Final Draft).

I dislike the way you write. It's very clunky. Before I start mentioning vague staff, I will talk about things I can point out. The first is weird phrases. Here are examples.

Having removed her hood, she pulls her brunette braid over her shoulder, I don't like how this sounds, it sounds weird to me.

The floor’s a mess, and it smells like death.” Smells like death doesn't sound quite right.

He finally manages to latch the door after fighting a near avalanche for several minutes. Near avalanche sounds weird.

An important thing to note, when I say weird, I don't mean that you are wrong. I'm saying that I, as a reader, haven't seen the phrase you used before, and it doesn't sound right. It breaks the immersion, and so on.

Here are examples of small mistakes.

A thump collides with the window causing Jack to back pedals away, axe at the ready. The wrong tense, I think.

to pull more and more handkerchief out of a pocket. More and more yet single handkerchief? Not plural?

Jack and Red stack next to the front door as Jack shoves plugs into his ears. Stack? What?

I've noticed a phrase that sounds good, yet in my opinion, it is out of character. It’s almost like having a banana that hasn’t been yellow for a few days. Does Wolf know the taste of a banana?

Your paragraphing and dialogues are so-so, which results in the following sentence. “You two have been playing me all this—wait, did someone say zombies?” I can't perceive this as a joke, nor can I perceive that wolf is slow-witted precisely because of how it was written. Right now, it looks as if the wolf wasn't in the room when Red and Jack talked.

Now I will talk about why your text is clanky.
Jack sweeps the butt of his axe handle around like a haymaker, collapsing a face and causing the transferred momentum to cause two other figures to fold around the first. In my opinion, this is a good example of a clunky and badly phrased sentence. Collapsing a face? Whose face? 'Causing the momentum' sounds weird, and 'figures to fold' doesn't suit the scene. 'Around the first' what? First body? First one? First zombie? First face?

You might think I'm nitpicking, but I'm not. You always write that someone did something; your text doesn't flow at all.
Wolf flinches at the sound of the shots and keeps ducking as more ring out. He drops to all fours and follows awkwardly as he maintains a grip on the stun-gun. He frantically looks about as more undead continue to converge on them from behind. Wolf growls and bares his fangs. He flinches, he drops, he maintains, he looks, he growls. You over-describe actions and movements.

As for the story, characters, world, and so on, I can't judge it in any way or form because I haven't read enough.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2 stars. Even though your chapters are around 1k words, I've spent way too much reading them. And I rate the readability higher than most things.

Hey, no worries on the time delay. I appreciate you taking a look! There is an intent to most of the things that you mentioned, but I won't spend too much time on them. This is all a ruse by Red, while Wolf is in a bit of shock, leading to an existential crisis.

Does Wolf know the taste of a banana?

You have no way of knowing this since my revisions haven't made it onto the posted serial, but there are several things like this that end up troubling Wolf and feeding into his crisis. He keeps saying and thinking foreign concepts that he knows he shouldn't know and it continues to haunt him until he understands why.

But yeah, you put a significant amount of work into your response, so I appreciate that! Maybe you'll find the story more enjoyable if it comes around again :) Cheers!

 

[melchi]

Is the wolf's name wolf? Just reading the first chapter it is like the main character is nameless. That would be the most off putting thing about the first chapter. At least in wolf among us they named the wolf Bigby Wolf.

Also, comma splicing is reee. Take this for example, a complete sentence mashed together with a fragment.

He walks into the adjoining bedroom, its walls adorned with a cheap paneling that encloses a smell of antique furniture.

I think it would be easier to read if this was two complete sentences. Also, is antique furniture a valid smell? Would something like old wood or old varnish be more fitting?

 

[SSPy]

Hi, if you don't mind...

Mechanical Blood

In a dystopian cyberpunk world where the lines between humanity and technology are blurred, a cyborg girl is created to serve as the perfect soldier for one of the most powerful corporations in the city. As she confronts each new challenge and obstacle, her sense of self and desire for...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll appreciate it if you do it here.
Thank you

 

[SailusGebel]

Hi, if you don't mind...

Mechanical Blood

In a dystopian cyberpunk world where the lines between humanity and technology are blurred, a cyborg girl is created to serve as the perfect soldier for one of the most powerful corporations in the city. As she confronts each new challenge and obstacle, her sense of self and desire for...

www.scribblehub.com

I'll appreciate it if you do it here.
Thank you

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Ch.2- Unit S-16578.

I don't remember how I rated your previous work, and I don't remember the content at all, so I won't be able to compare them. What I can say about this novel is that I didn't notice a lot of grammar mistakes that distracted me. And although there were at most one or two things that I didn't like in chapter one, chapter two was a lot less polished.

Here are various mistakes\weird sentences that distracted me.
[Ennemy presence detected] Ennemy? If there is a reason to write it like that, I would've liked it if you explained it early on. Because right now, it looks like a repeated mistake.

The panic inside me melted away, replaced by a sudden surge of power that surged through my body. This is a case of very bad and unnecessary repetition. Nothing major here, you can simply paraphrase this.

A white-haired man of around thirty looked at me with emotionless red eyes. Of around thirty what? Finish this phrase.

Where robots with grotesque forms kill everything in sight and attack perpetually human raze. An unintelligible sentence. I don't understand what it means. I've looked at three dictionaries. Raze is a verb with the meaning: "to destroy to the ground," usually a building. Was it a typo?
And there was a small oversight.

I stared at the ground, my life passing in front of my eyes, my mother's fond smile, my father's strong embrace, my sister's laughter, my brother's playful teasing, and my aunt's warm embrace. This was in chapter two.

Mother is dead, just like father, brother, and sister. I'm the only one left. This was in chapter one. You forgot about the aunt.

Apart from the things I've mentioned, I didn't notice anything major in terms of grammar or weird sentences. Overall your text was okay, though your prose doesn't suit my taste. However, there was one thing that bothered me more than any grammar mistake. The way you wrote your MC.

She is so emotionless that it's jarring. At first, I thought that perhaps you did it intentionally like she is broken, or she is special, or both. But I was wrong; she felt emotions, strong ones.
Fear run through me as I looked down at my fists. Just what in the world happen to me...?
My heart ached with anger as I clenched my fists, my rage almost consuming me. Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

And this only increased my dislike. How many years have passed? For how long have I been in this white place?

So apparently, she was subjected to the white room torture. Yet after being subjected to this torture, nothing changed. Literally nothing. Her way of speaking, inner monologue, hasn't changed at all. She stayed as emotionless as she was before the torture. And even if I was mistaken about the torture, it doesn't change a thing. She went through a whole lot to justify the change in her personality, in the way she speak(I'm talking about inner monologue), and in the way she react, yet she didn't change.

Perhaps it's only my perception, but it's subjective feedback from a reader's perspective, so that is why I mentioned it. And that's the end of my feedback.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars.

 

[SSPy]

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Ch.2- Unit S-16578.

I don't remember how I rated your previous work, and I don't remember the content at all, so I won't be able to compare them. What I can say about this novel is that I didn't notice a lot of grammar mistakes that distracted me. And although there were at most one or two things that I didn't like in chapter one, chapter two was a lot less polished.

Here are various mistakes\weird sentences that distracted me.
[Ennemy presence detected] Ennemy? If there is a reason to write it like that, I would've liked it if you explained it early on. Because right now, it looks like a repeated mistake.

The panic inside me melted away, replaced by a sudden surge of power that surged through my body. This is a case of very bad and unnecessary repetition. Nothing major here, you can simply paraphrase this.

A white-haired man of around thirty looked at me with emotionless red eyes. Of around thirty what? Finish this phrase.

Where robots with grotesque forms kill everything in sight and attack perpetually human raze. An unintelligible sentence. I don't understand what it means. I've looked at three dictionaries. Raze is a verb with the meaning: "to destroy to the ground," usually a building. Was it a typo?
And there was a small oversight.

I stared at the ground, my life passing in front of my eyes, my mother's fond smile, my father's strong embrace, my sister's laughter, my brother's playful teasing, and my aunt's warm embrace. This was in chapter two.

Mother is dead, just like father, brother, and sister. I'm the only one left. This was in chapter one. You forgot about the aunt.

Apart from the things I've mentioned, I didn't notice anything major in terms of grammar or weird sentences. Overall your text was okay, though your prose doesn't suit my taste. However, there was one thing that bothered me more than any grammar mistake. The way you wrote your MC.

She is so emotionless that it's jarring. At first, I thought that perhaps you did it intentionally like she is broken, or she is special, or both. But I was wrong; she felt emotions, strong ones.
Fear run through me as I looked down at my fists. Just what in the world happen to me...?
My heart ached with anger as I clenched my fists, my rage almost consuming me. Tears stung my eyes, but I refused to let them fall.

And this only increased my dislike. How many years have passed? For how long have I been in this white place?

So apparently, she was subjected to the white room torture. Yet after being subjected to this torture, nothing changed. Literally nothing. Her way of speaking, inner monologue, hasn't changed at all. She stayed as emotionless as she was before the torture. And even if I was mistaken about the torture, it doesn't change a thing. She went through a whole lot to justify the change in her personality, in the way she speak(I'm talking about inner monologue), and in the way she react, yet she didn't change.

Perhaps it's only my perception, but it's subjective feedback from a reader's perspective, so that is why I mentioned it. And that's the end of my feedback.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars.

Thank you, helps a lot

 

[twinning-the-blades]

Hello, I am fairly new and got lost in some thread and in here somehow. I am actually looking for a thread where new members introduce and such, I cant seem to find it.

I enjoyed reading the reviews and learned something that I could use *hehe*. Maybe when I have at least three chapters posted in my book I would ask the rudest person to come and take a look. But for now, please never mind me passing by.

 

[SailusGebel]

Hello, I am fairly new and got lost in some thread and in here somehow. I am actually looking for a thread where new members introduce and such, I cant seem to find it.

This one?

Welcome thread for the newbies!

While I know most of the users here are migrating from Novel Update Forums but I'm pretty sure along with the ones from the other forum there will be members that are completely new so that's the purpose of this thread! To welcome the newbies. So just introduce yourselves with basic stuff like...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[twinning-the-blades]

This one?

Welcome thread for the newbies!

While I know most of the users here are migrating from Novel Update Forums but I'm pretty sure along with the ones from the other forum there will be members that are completely new so that's the purpose of this thread! To welcome the newbies. So just introduce yourselves with basic stuff like...

forum.scribblehub.com

Whoa, thank you! That was fast! It's really early in my place, here's some coffee. And woosh I'm gone. Thank you again.

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Ayo, I’m back with another complete rewrite of my novel. I decided to do it again because I finally realized how to write an opening chapter correctly, instead of writing an episodic mess of too many characters and highly metaphorical prose. I even gave it a new title! It’s still pretty rough as of writing this, so please be warned.

Glorymonger draft

 

[Avery_Evans]

Hello! I'd like some criticism to contemplate as I continue writing. https://www.scribblehub.com/series/654739/the-plussized-assassin/
A response via forum post would be greatly appreciated.

 

[SailusGebel]

Ayo, I’m back with another complete rewrite of my novel. I decided to do it again because I finally realized how to write an opening chapter correctly, instead of writing an episodic mess of too many characters and highly metaphorical prose. I even gave it a new title! It’s still pretty rough as of writing this, so please be warned.

Glorymonger draft

Here or PM?

 

[Deleted member 93348]

Here or PM?

Oh, shit, I forgot. Here, please. Thank you. Sorry for the inconvenience. I'm still feeding my paragraphs on the OpenAi chat bot, but you can check it out right now.