Macha
Not a Klutz
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2021
- Messages
- 294
- Points
- 133
Is this the highest score in here?As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3-3.25 stars. Maybe even 3.5 stars.
Is this the highest score in here?As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3-3.25 stars. Maybe even 3.5 stars.
You can call me stupid, I don't give a shit, but I didn't understand a goddamn thing.The Home(less)sick Astronaut’s Best-of-Three - Oneshot | Scribble Hub
www.scribblehub.com
A short story. Nothing major. It is a slice-of-life though, but it's only 3k+ words. I'll take the flogging publicly.
Understandable, and very much appreciatedGood day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 4 – But First, We Clean!
I will be honest, there is nothing I liked in terms of plot or characters, and there are a couple of reasons. Not that I disliked something, I felt mostly neutral. The reason for that is a couple of things.
First, I will start with the most subjective claim. If I see Japanese names, Japanese honorifics, and so on in a story written by someone who is not Japanese, I instantly reject it. I'm not an SJW and don't care about other things, but this makes me cringe extra hard. It's my personal preference, and there are many reasons behind it, but I won't delve into them too much.
Secondly, badly written cliffhangers or, to be more precise, badly split chapters. Yes, this is SOL, so I shouldn't expect cliffhangers. It's your practice piece, I understand.
However, you asked for my opinion, and I will give it. The ending of Chapter 2 – Aurora doesn't feel like an ending at all. It's like you split a chapter randomly. Chapter 3 – Akuzu, Syalt's ending is a bit better, but it is still not enough.
And thirdly, I felt like your story resembles Japanese manga way too much. Someone can consider this as an upside, but, personally, I don't like it.
To elaborate on this, it's generic in the worst way possible. The plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, everything seemed like a generic SOL manga. They are produced in huge numbers each year, and they are all the same. And after checking out one of them, I basically know all of them.
I might misunderstand something, or you can think I'm being petty, but here's an example of what I mean.
But still, this confirmed his thoughts. He was reincarnated in Japan, one of Earth's most influential countries.
One of Earth's most influential countries. How should I say this? This sounds like a first warning that your novel will have the typical self-praise which is present in every Japanese work. Katanas are the best, rice is necessary for survival, baths are the best things ever, onsens, and so on.
However, considering the first thing I mentioned and combining it with the third one, it multiplies my dislike.
As for your writing. It was relatively easy to read, and the descriptions and metaphors were present. I didn't notice typos or mistakes. Nevertheless, there is a problem with your writing.
Weird phrases\metaphors. I'm not a native English speaker, and I can be wrong here. But it doesn't matter whether your grammar is correct or not if the phrase itself is weird and no one uses it.
Examples.
he was the strongest man known to ever live. Weird. I will rephrase it to what I think sounds better. He was known as the strongest man to ever live.
But seriously, would it kill the gods to consider decreasing the intensity of the storm? My sweat's going to stick to my undershirt.' What?
His Mana Core was thousands larger than the average human Thousands larger?
Her claws were each the size of a ballista bolt, and were each as sharp as Syalt's sword! Again, weirdly phrased, AND a repetition.
I–I'm very sorry. Though seeing the man who was known to be unkillable willingly off himself like that… Willingly off himself???
But still, he struggled to just about bring his right eye half-open. Just about? What?
There are logical mistakes.
Example.
Next, he went over to the kitchen and used a bit of water magic to clean the dishes!
"This is supposedly what people use to eat their food out of. But why are there so many? I'm pretty sure only I live here." So, apparently, a great inventor doesn't know what the hell is a dish?
Even if you somehow explain that it's okay if he doesn't know what this is in your reply here it's only one part of a problem.
The only thing left to do was to bring the trash bags out to the front and have them lined up and ready for the garbage truck which would come soon, according to his calendar.
A reincarnated individual doesn't know what the hell is a dish, but knows that a garbage truck will come according to his calendar? Excuse me?
And lastly, dialogues. Some of the dialogue lines don't look like human speech.
Example.
The dishes, they're clean! I can see some were broken from the shards of porcelain scattered on the floor, but they're clean and put away nicely! No one talks like that. It looks like you were lazy to rephrase it properly and simply copied a narrator's line and put it into a dialogue.
As I said before, your novel was easier to read than most novels I've seen and reviewed in this thread. But the problems with your writing and my personal dislike when it comes to plot and Japanese setting when written by a non-Japanese are hindering me from reading more.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3-3.25 stars. Maybe even 3.5 stars.
Your story is GB. I won't review it.Can I ask for your feedback on my story?
Reincarnated Into Two Bodies
After falling to his death, he wakes up with two bodies?! Reincarnated as both a humble commoner boy and a privileged young noble girl, our protagonist enjoys their new chance in life with two different perspectives. Although they only wished for a peaceful life, the world had other plans in...www.scribblehub.com
And please be as harsh as possible, especially on the early chapters. I want to re-write them because I know they're rough, but I just don't know where to start.
Feedback on the thread or PM is fine, thank you.
Based Sailus.Your story is GB. I won't review it.
It's not the main draw though...Your story is GB. I won't review it.
I don't care if it's the main draw or not. Your story has GB in the tags.It's not the main draw though...
Oh well, thanks for your time!
Synopsis...I'm tempted to get a public flaying but at the same time I'm scared.
Oh well.
Here ya go. Public reply please.
Transmigrated into an Eroge as a Background Character
After death, Claire expects her mind to fade away into nothingness. Life decides to decline her request and send her to a familiar setting. To her utter horror, she realizes she somehow got stuck in a world where women must couple with men and level up to be the strongest...www.scribblehub.com
I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
Right there is girl sex yes. Though it's not really girl love but I suppose yea technically it would be GL. Didn't even think about thatSynopsis
[GIRL ON GIRL]
Where would you like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM?do it.
Dungeon Invaders
- In a land ruled by the Kirion Empire, mysterious outsiders are appearing everywhere, a girl from another world will have to learn in order to survive and find out what is happening, but nothing is so simple, and her adventure has just begun. WORLD MAP: https://i.ibb.co/CnWhcGm/...www.scribblehub.com
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after reading half of Chapter 2: Wanted Girls.do it.
Dungeon Invaders
- In a land ruled by the Kirion Empire, mysterious outsiders are appearing everywhere, a girl from another world will have to learn in order to survive and find out what is happening, but nothing is so simple, and her adventure has just begun. WORLD MAP: https://i.ibb.co/CnWhcGm/...www.scribblehub.com
Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essayI want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.
Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.
The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.
I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
Well I sent the story to see if there's a silver lining, but nah, our interests just don't mesh it seemsYou can call me stupid, I don't give a shit, but I didn't understand a goddamn thing.
I'm not saying I didn't understand every paragraph or something like that. I didn't understand what you wanted to say, why you wanted to say, and what I should feel. With my understanding, I simply wasted my time because the story didn't evoke any feeling at all. I think that the only way to see anything in this is to have a deep meaning search syndrome.
Is it a comedy? There is nothing funny. Sci-fi? Kinda, but not really. Slice of life? I guess, but I'm so used to seeing SOL as a long serialized series that it's hard to think of a short story as SOL.
But I probably liked it? I don't know. I know that out of everything you've written, I like this short story the most. Probably because this short story suits the taste of a normie, and I'm a normie.
How should I rate something I liked more than your other works, yet I felt like I wasted my time reading it? The writing was good as usual, very easy to read. If I had to choose which of your works is the easiest to read, I would pick this one. But it's literally nothing, almost flying nothing.
I guess three stars.
Where would you like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM?Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay
This do be the story
umm this threadWhere would you like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM?
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter The Initialization.Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay
This do be the story
Cool thx for feedback. Obviously I'm a little disappointed but i understand where you are coming from and ill try to correct my story as much as I can do even with my bad writing. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story, even if it was bad, because at this point, any and all feedback means a lot to me. I'll be making some edits based on your suggestions, and I hope maybe that I could try again after extensive rewriting if possible. Have a gud day :)Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter The Initialization.
Before I start talking about the novel itself, I will mention that you suffer from the same problems as the previous novel. Your synopsis, tags, cover, and title are lackluster, to say the least.
Why should I read your story? Imagine I'm a random reader. I see a very bland cover but decide to give it a try. Next, I see your synopsis, which consists of one UNFINISHED sentence. Next, I look at the tags, and there is almost nothing there as well. There is nothing that would help me to gauge what to expect from a story. Right from the get-go, it screams at me that the story is generic.
But it's not the end. I look at the number of chapters, and there are two available chapters. So I will repeat the question. Why should I read your story? There is no incentive. Why, out of all the available novels, should I pick yours?
I literally copypasted what I've written in previous feedback. The previous novel has a combination of action+adventure+fantasy genres. Your novel has action+adventure+fantasy. Out of two novels with the same problems and presentation, why should I choose yours? What sets your story apart? A couple of tags that don't tell me anything?
I understand it's your first time writing. Work on the presentation because currently, it won't attract readers.
Now to your story. It's badly written, and one chapter was enough to see glaring mistakes in the story and your writing. But before I start with the main problems, I will quickly mention your grammar.
Here are a couple of examples of different mistakes.
He took stock of his surroundings, What? Typo?
Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut., A typo.
had knocked his gun away. and was on top of him. A typo?
He panicked, and tried to grab a knife, however, he couldn’t as his arms would not stay still. What?
Those are a couple of examples which means that there are probably more in the text. You have to excuse me, but I'm not in the shape right now, so I won't be able to show more examples. I probably missed more because when I was reading I felt like something was wrong, but I won't insist.
Now to the part that's actually bad. It's illogical. Your story is illogical. Even if you say it's fiction, the suspense of disbelief, and every other excuse you can come up with, it doesn't deny the fact that it's illogical.
Let's start with the easy part.
This was Derek's last job. After this, he was going to finally leave the order, and become a semi-normal member of society! All he had to do, was finish one job. One assassination. One target. After that, he was free! Derek had so many plans laid out for what he wanted to do. After all, he had enough money to retire at 30.
What happens next?
The more the voice said, the more Derek’s eyes lit up. His skills as an assassin would be perfect here!
So, instead of freaking out that he was so close to retirement, freaking out that he ended up who knows where, lamenting that he should continue his life of killing, and so on, he is excited. Even though he had SO MANY PLANS.
Btw, if you say that he is a trained assassin and won't let his emotions stir so easily, I will, first of all, say, BULLSHIT, and then I will simply use your own text.
Derek’s heart raced as he crept through the window into the house.
His look of satisfaction quickly changed to one of horror as brain matter and blood sprayed all over him.
He shows emotions. This means, that him being happy when he was put who knows where is fucking illogical.
Another illogical thing is obviously the way he assassinates, and the way that assassination was written.
Derek Hunt, a former assassin working for the American government
And apparently, an assassin working for the American government has a gas mask, a gas grenade, and... custom-made Tec-9, with an illegal full-auto modification.
He works for the government. First of all, writing that there is an illegal modification is absolutely wrong. You should've written something like, "a full-auto modification on Tec-9 would usually be illegal, but working for the government had its perks."
Secondly, the fact that he fucking assassinates people with Tec-9 and a SINGLE grenade is absolutely unbelievable and illogical.
He can't control his emotions while on the job, and the fact that he felt HORROR after seeing brain matter and blood are also stupid and illogical. Disgust is the most negative emotion he should feel, not freaking horror.
And after talking about how your story is illogical, I will add another problem. You don't add ANY details, ANY descriptions, ANY metaphors. It's always action, after action, after action, after action. He did that, then he did this, and ended up doing that.
It makes me feel like he acts in a vacuous space.
An example of what I mean would also add to the number of illogical things you've written.
Derek dashed across the width of the hallway, while somehow making no noise, and pressed his body against a little cubby on the other side. Derek sighed in relief. He then pulled out a circular object from his belt, leaned over, rolled it in, and closed the door. Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut.,
Derek pulled with all his strength as the door was being desperately pulled from the other side. Just as he was about to lose the contest of strength, the pulling suddenly stopped. Derek reprimanded himself for cutting it so close.
The reason for copying so much of your text is to explain something. You didn't describe the home of a terrorist at all. And if I look at what I was given(text in bold) I HAVE to assume a couple of things.
1. ALL bodyguards were in a little cubby with no exception.
2. The cubby had NO windows, no backdoor, no nothing. Only one door.
3. The bodyguards don't know how to scream, nor do they know how to use walkie-talkies or other means of communication.
4. Is the most stupid thing ever but before mentioning it I must use your text again.
Derek took a deep breath and moved into the smoke. Derek looked around, sweeping the immediate area around him. From what he could see, which was only a meter in every direction, all the guards were down. Derek had no pity for them. They knew what might happen when they guarded somebody like this.
Derek looked around for Mujahid’s body but couldn’t see it.
Not only ALL BODYGUARDS were in the cubby, but the target was ALSO in the cubby. I can only facepalm to this.
As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars. In my opinion, with the way you write, you should switch to first-person POV. Currently, you don't write anything besides the thoughts and actions of the MC. So I see no reason why you can't rewrite it, add some description from MC's POV, and call it a day.