Yet another free feedback thread.

SailusGebel

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A short story. Nothing major. It is a slice-of-life though, but it's only 3k+ words. I'll take the flogging publicly.
You can call me stupid, I don't give a shit, but I didn't understand a goddamn thing.

I'm not saying I didn't understand every paragraph or something like that. I didn't understand what you wanted to say, why you wanted to say, and what I should feel. With my understanding, I simply wasted my time because the story didn't evoke any feeling at all. I think that the only way to see anything in this is to have a deep meaning search syndrome.

Is it a comedy? There is nothing funny. Sci-fi? Kinda, but not really. Slice of life? I guess, but I'm so used to seeing SOL as a long serialized series that it's hard to think of a short story as SOL.

But I probably liked it? I don't know. I know that out of everything you've written, I like this short story the most. Probably because this short story suits the taste of a normie, and I'm a normie.

How should I rate something I liked more than your other works, yet I felt like I wasted my time reading it? The writing was good as usual, very easy to read. If I had to choose which of your works is the easiest to read, I would pick this one. But it's literally nothing, almost flying nothing.

I guess three stars.
 

Lorelliad

If you love me, tie my hair 🎵
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Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 4 – But First, We Clean!

I will be honest, there is nothing I liked in terms of plot or characters, and there are a couple of reasons. Not that I disliked something, I felt mostly neutral. The reason for that is a couple of things.

First, I will start with the most subjective claim. If I see Japanese names, Japanese honorifics, and so on in a story written by someone who is not Japanese, I instantly reject it. I'm not an SJW and don't care about other things, but this makes me cringe extra hard. It's my personal preference, and there are many reasons behind it, but I won't delve into them too much.

Secondly, badly written cliffhangers or, to be more precise, badly split chapters. Yes, this is SOL, so I shouldn't expect cliffhangers. It's your practice piece, I understand.

However, you asked for my opinion, and I will give it. The ending of Chapter 2 – Aurora doesn't feel like an ending at all. It's like you split a chapter randomly. Chapter 3 – Akuzu, Syalt's ending is a bit better, but it is still not enough.

And thirdly, I felt like your story resembles Japanese manga way too much. Someone can consider this as an upside, but, personally, I don't like it.
To elaborate on this, it's generic in the worst way possible. The plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, everything seemed like a generic SOL manga. They are produced in huge numbers each year, and they are all the same. And after checking out one of them, I basically know all of them.

I might misunderstand something, or you can think I'm being petty, but here's an example of what I mean.

But still, this confirmed his thoughts. He was reincarnated in Japan, one of Earth's most influential countries.

One of Earth's most influential countries. How should I say this? This sounds like a first warning that your novel will have the typical self-praise which is present in every Japanese work. Katanas are the best, rice is necessary for survival, baths are the best things ever, onsens, and so on.
However, considering the first thing I mentioned and combining it with the third one, it multiplies my dislike.

As for your writing. It was relatively easy to read, and the descriptions and metaphors were present. I didn't notice typos or mistakes. Nevertheless, there is a problem with your writing.

Weird phrases\metaphors. I'm not a native English speaker, and I can be wrong here. But it doesn't matter whether your grammar is correct or not if the phrase itself is weird and no one uses it.

Examples.
he was the strongest man known to ever live. Weird. I will rephrase it to what I think sounds better. He was known as the strongest man to ever live.

But seriously, would it kill the gods to consider decreasing the intensity of the storm? My sweat's going to stick to my undershirt.' What?

His Mana Core was thousands larger than the average human Thousands larger?

Her claws were each the size of a ballista bolt, and were each as sharp as Syalt's sword! Again, weirdly phrased, AND a repetition.

I–I'm very sorry. Though seeing the man who was known to be unkillable willingly off himself like that… Willingly off himself???

But still, he struggled to just about bring his right eye half-open. Just about? What?

There are logical mistakes.

Example.
Next, he went over to the kitchen and used a bit of water magic to clean the dishes!

"This is supposedly what people use to eat their food out of. But why are there so many? I'm pretty sure only I live here."
So, apparently, a great inventor doesn't know what the hell is a dish?

Even if you somehow explain that it's okay if he doesn't know what this is in your reply here it's only one part of a problem.

The only thing left to do was to bring the trash bags out to the front and have them lined up and ready for the garbage truck which would come soon, according to his calendar.
A reincarnated individual doesn't know what the hell is a dish, but knows that a garbage truck will come according to his calendar? Excuse me?

And lastly, dialogues. Some of the dialogue lines don't look like human speech.

Example.
The dishes, they're clean! I can see some were broken from the shards of porcelain scattered on the floor, but they're clean and put away nicely! No one talks like that. It looks like you were lazy to rephrase it properly and simply copied a narrator's line and put it into a dialogue.

As I said before, your novel was easier to read than most novels I've seen and reviewed in this thread. But the problems with your writing and my personal dislike when it comes to plot and Japanese setting when written by a non-Japanese are hindering me from reading more.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 3-3.25 stars. Maybe even 3.5 stars.
Understandable, and very much appreciated
 

SailusGebel

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Can I ask for your feedback on my story?


And please be as harsh as possible, especially on the early chapters. I want to re-write them because I know they're rough, but I just don't know where to start.

Feedback on the thread or PM is fine, thank you.
Your story is GB. I won't review it.
 

DonutLuver

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...I'm tempted to get a public flaying but at the same time I'm scared.

Oh well.

Here ya go. Public reply please.

 

SailusGebel

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...I'm tempted to get a public flaying but at the same time I'm scared.

Oh well.

Here ya go. Public reply please.

Synopsis
[GIRL ON GIRL]

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
:blob_unsure:
 

callmeRENGOKU

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do it.

 

SailusGebel

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do it.

Where would you like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM?
 

SailusGebel

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do it.

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after reading half of Chapter 2: Wanted Girls.

Before I start talking about the novel itself, I will mention your synopsis, tags, cover, or in other words, presentation.

Why should I read your story? Imagine I'm a random reader. I see a very bland cover but decide to give it a try. Next, I see your synopsis, which consists of one sentence. The only other thing I see is that you yourself admit that the synopsis is trash. Next, I look at the tags, and there is almost nothing there as well. There is nothing that would help me to gauge what to expect from a story. Right from the get-go, it screams at me that the story is generic.

But it's not the end. I look at the number of chapters, and there are two available chapters. So I will repeat the question. Why should I read your story? There is no incentive. Why, out of all the available novels, should I pick yours?

Work on your synopsis, tag your story properly and find a way to make a good cover.

Now to your story. It's badly written. There are so many things that are bad, that I don't even know where to start.

You tend to write overly long sentences for no reason.

Examples.
She got up and saw through the window that the weather was great on Wednesday, the days in Montreal were fresh in the spring, great to go for a walk outside, completely different from the infernal weather in Rio de Janeiro, where she spent her vacations since her childhood in her grandparents' house. Why such a long sentence?

Jody looked at herself in the mirror, her amber eyes were beautiful, she always received compliments for them, but not even those eyes could hide her "I went to bed too late" face, she tied her short hair in a ponytail, letting the bangs hide her forehead that she thought was too big, her honey bronze skin was an inheritance from her Brazilian family, Jody was pretty, even if she had her complaints. Why such a long sentence?

Jody put the clock back and gave Cookie a hug, saying in a cute voice that he "shouldn't drop the clock!", when she realized the time, she saw that she was late for class and would have to eat on the way, she grabbed her backpack and walked out the door, past her dog Cream that was rolling in the grass with muddy paws, she walked towards the street, yelling "Bye Cream!" and disappearing around the corner. Same.

The neighing of Kat's horse made Jody startle for a moment, when he looked at the horse, Kat touched his shoulder and said "Don't move," the sound of what sounded like a growl came from a bush just ahead, "A predatory werewolf, in broad daylight, trying to prey on unsuspecting travelers." Same.

Your paragraphing is bad, and it's combined with the problem of your overly long sentences.

Examples.
"You will be a warning to all those filthy invaders! Go back to your own land!" he shouted with a hatred so great it gave chills to hear. Jody thought to herself "somebody's going to do something, isn't he? they won't let him shoot her in the face like that", "please, somebody!" Jody's thoughts should be a separate paragraph, in my opinion.

In these moments of danger, people think of their closest loved ones, but Jody could only think of her grandfather, the way he spoke, the anger in his eyes, it was nothing she hadn't witnessed before, and then she remembered why she hated guns, her grandfather collected guns of all calibers, always saying they were his right as a citizen, that they were for the protection of his family, but she never felt safe in his presence, he seemed to be one step away from using them at the first opportunity. This whole paragraph consists of only one overly long sentence.

Obviously, the first and the second paragraphs of Chapter 1: Second Chances are good examples. However, they are huge, so I won't put them here.

You break capitalization rules.

Examples.
You asked for it! you! just be quiet, don't cry now! this is your fault! No capitalization of the first word of a sentence.

"Are you serious? There are others like me in this world? people who have died and appeared here? this is crazy." No capitalization of the first word of a sentence.

Are you all watching!!! i said i would! No capitalization of the first word of a sentence AND no capitalization of I.

and then she remembered, the shooter, the bleeding girl, it all came as a whirlwind of thoughts, she got scared and got up at once, when she looked around, she realized she wasn't in her bed, nor was she in the subway, she was at the edge of a creek, there were some hills, a village and a dirt road ahead, this was not a dream, she was alive.
No capitalization of the first word of a sentence, and an overly long sentence.

You always mess up pronouns.

Examples.
Jody didn't know if that was good or bad, but Kat was his best chance in this world, so he agreed to go. HER best chance, so SHE agreed to go.

Jody heard it right ... just when he thought he was understanding that world, everything turned upside down again. Just when SHE thought SHE was understanding.

"Catalyst? I don't even know what that is!" Jody replied with the face he always made when he had no idea what they were talking about. The face SHE always made when SHE had.

Lucas was his younger brother, he always tried everything he could, even if most of the time he regretted it. Lucas was HER younger brother.

Jody got off the horse in a clumsy movement, but was already glad he hadn't fallen off again. Glad SHE hadn't fallen off.

Overall weird phrases.

Example.
"You're eating my cereal again? I told you it's not my fault you pick a new weird flavor every week." The look on his face was a mixture of disgust and incredulity. What? I don't understand what this means. Apparently, Lucas is eating Jody's cereal, but here's the catch. Why his face is a mixture of disgust and incredulity? Lucas tries weird shit, so I assume Jody bought normal cereal. Why is Lucas disgusted? Is it because he is watching a video on his cell phone about cheddar cheese ice cream?

You should understand one simple thing. There is a huge number of different mistakes that you've made in your text. It is impossible to understand where is a mistake, and where you wrote something intentionally. Because, maybe it's a mistake, and you wanted to write the look on HER face?

A couple more examples of different mistakes.
a reward for anyone who captures and arrests anyone who is This is a repetition.

Jody felt embarrassed to stand in front of a stranger and look so silly and ignorant, but how could she know anything, she was no longer in her world, and everything there was new. Everything HERE was new. It doesn't make any sense when you say everything THERE was new right after mentioning her homeworld.

I will mention that it's all examples, which means that there are a lot more mistakes of each type in the text. You also word your sentences poorly and weirdly.

In addition to mistakes, there are almost no descriptions or metaphors. Everything happens too fast, and you don't show emotions. Humans don't act like humans.

To elaborate on this. When I read chapter one, it felt like there was nothing besides the mc. When the shooter came in, there were zero descriptions of anything. People screaming and gasping? Him shooting in the air to scare others? He just came in, and Jody fought him, and it felt like the two of them were in a vacuum the whole time. He killed someone, aaaand? What next? Will someone scream or cry? Lose consciousness? Something? Anything?

You probably wanted to make this scene about Jody, the mc, so you concentrated on her. However, by excluding everything, it now feels like she is not in a subway. It feels like she is in a space where there is nothing but her and the shooter.

The last thing I would mention is that the space between paragraphs is too big. I prefer when the space between paragraphs is smaller.

I provide feedback as a reader, and I state my likes and dislikes. With this out of the way, I think you need to read guides and ask for feedback from other authors. Because I won't be able to help you. I can say what I dislike, but I won't be able to properly answer your questions, help you to fix mistakes, and so on. I'm a bad author. If you want to, you can obviously ask me, and I will do what I can. But don't expect much from me.
 

Edd99

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I want to cement my fame as a rude person and, if possible, aim to become the rudest person on the SH forum. How can I do this? By offering free reviews and bashing everyone's works.

Okay, so I decided to do a free review thread as I'm seeking something to read, I'm seeking inspiration, and looking to steal ideas from other authors. I won't sugarcoat my words, and I won't use most technical terms other reviewers might use. English is my second language, and I'm a shit author, but what does it mean to you? It means that I will review your stories based on my feelings rather than technicalities, and I will do it as a reader, not as an author.

The rules are simple. You post a link to your story, you state where you would like to receive the review\feedback, this thread, or PM, and I read your story. After I read as much as I can, I will reply to you.

I won't read three genres; GL(girls love\yuri), BL(boys love\yaoi), and GB(gender bender).
Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay
This do be the story
 

BenJepheneT

Light Up Gold - Parquet Courts
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You can call me stupid, I don't give a shit, but I didn't understand a goddamn thing.

I'm not saying I didn't understand every paragraph or something like that. I didn't understand what you wanted to say, why you wanted to say, and what I should feel. With my understanding, I simply wasted my time because the story didn't evoke any feeling at all. I think that the only way to see anything in this is to have a deep meaning search syndrome.

Is it a comedy? There is nothing funny. Sci-fi? Kinda, but not really. Slice of life? I guess, but I'm so used to seeing SOL as a long serialized series that it's hard to think of a short story as SOL.

But I probably liked it? I don't know. I know that out of everything you've written, I like this short story the most. Probably because this short story suits the taste of a normie, and I'm a normie.

How should I rate something I liked more than your other works, yet I felt like I wasted my time reading it? The writing was good as usual, very easy to read. If I had to choose which of your works is the easiest to read, I would pick this one. But it's literally nothing, almost flying nothing.

I guess three stars.
Well I sent the story to see if there's a silver lining, but nah, our interests just don't mesh it seems

No hard feelings doe. It's all good chief.
 

SailusGebel

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Ngl its the first thing i have ever done outside of an english essay
This do be the story
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter The Initialization.

Before I start talking about the novel itself, I will mention that you suffer from the same problems as the previous novel. Your synopsis, tags, cover, and title are lackluster, to say the least.

Why should I read your story? Imagine I'm a random reader. I see a very bland cover but decide to give it a try. Next, I see your synopsis, which consists of one UNFINISHED sentence. Next, I look at the tags, and there is almost nothing there as well. There is nothing that would help me to gauge what to expect from a story. Right from the get-go, it screams at me that the story is generic.

But it's not the end. I look at the number of chapters, and there are two available chapters. So I will repeat the question. Why should I read your story? There is no incentive. Why, out of all the available novels, should I pick yours?

I literally copypasted what I've written in previous feedback. The previous novel has a combination of action+adventure+fantasy genres. Your novel has action+adventure+fantasy. Out of two novels with the same problems and presentation, why should I choose yours? What sets your story apart? A couple of tags that don't tell me anything?

I understand it's your first time writing. Work on the presentation because currently, it won't attract readers.

Now to your story. It's badly written, and one chapter was enough to see glaring mistakes in the story and your writing. But before I start with the main problems, I will quickly mention your grammar.

Here are a couple of examples of different mistakes.

He took stock of his surroundings, What? Typo?

Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut., A typo.

had knocked his gun away. and was on top of him. A typo?

He panicked, and tried to grab a knife, however, he couldn’t as his arms would not stay still. What?

Those are a couple of examples which means that there are probably more in the text. You have to excuse me, but I'm not in the shape right now, so I won't be able to show more examples. I probably missed more because when I was reading I felt like something was wrong, but I won't insist.

Now to the part that's actually bad. It's illogical. Your story is illogical. Even if you say it's fiction, the suspense of disbelief, and every other excuse you can come up with, it doesn't deny the fact that it's illogical.

Let's start with the easy part.

This was Derek's last job. After this, he was going to finally leave the order, and become a semi-normal member of society! All he had to do, was finish one job. One assassination. One target. After that, he was free! Derek had so many plans laid out for what he wanted to do. After all, he had enough money to retire at 30.

What happens next?
The more the voice said, the more Derek’s eyes lit up. His skills as an assassin would be perfect here!

So, instead of freaking out that he was so close to retirement, freaking out that he ended up who knows where, lamenting that he should continue his life of killing, and so on, he is excited. Even though he had SO MANY PLANS.

Btw, if you say that he is a trained assassin and won't let his emotions stir so easily, I will, first of all, say, BULLSHIT, and then I will simply use your own text.

Derek’s heart raced as he crept through the window into the house.

His look of satisfaction quickly changed to one of horror as brain matter and blood sprayed all over him.

He shows emotions. This means, that him being happy when he was put who knows where is fucking illogical.

Another illogical thing is obviously the way he assassinates, and the way that assassination was written.

Derek Hunt, a former assassin working for the American government

And apparently, an assassin working for the American government has a gas mask, a gas grenade, and... custom-made Tec-9, with an illegal full-auto modification.

He works for the government. First of all, writing that there is an illegal modification is absolutely wrong. You should've written something like, "a full-auto modification on Tec-9 would usually be illegal, but working for the government had its perks."

Secondly, the fact that he fucking assassinates people with Tec-9 and a SINGLE grenade is absolutely unbelievable and illogical.

He can't control his emotions while on the job, and the fact that he felt HORROR after seeing brain matter and blood are also stupid and illogical. Disgust is the most negative emotion he should feel, not freaking horror.

And after talking about how your story is illogical, I will add another problem. You don't add ANY details, ANY descriptions, ANY metaphors. It's always action, after action, after action, after action. He did that, then he did this, and ended up doing that.

It makes me feel like he acts in a vacuous space.

An example of what I mean would also add to the number of illogical things you've written.

Derek dashed across the width of the hallway, while somehow making no noise, and pressed his body against a little cubby on the other side. Derek sighed in relief. He then pulled out a circular object from his belt, leaned over, rolled it in, and closed the door. Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut.,
Derek pulled with all his strength as the door was being desperately pulled from the other side. Just as he was about to lose the contest of strength, the pulling suddenly stopped. Derek reprimanded himself for cutting it so close.


The reason for copying so much of your text is to explain something. You didn't describe the home of a terrorist at all. And if I look at what I was given(text in bold) I HAVE to assume a couple of things.

1. ALL bodyguards were in a little cubby with no exception.

2. The cubby had NO windows, no backdoor, no nothing. Only one door.

3. The bodyguards don't know how to scream, nor do they know how to use walkie-talkies or other means of communication.

4. Is the most stupid thing ever but before mentioning it I must use your text again.

Derek took a deep breath and moved into the smoke. Derek looked around, sweeping the immediate area around him. From what he could see, which was only a meter in every direction, all the guards were down. Derek had no pity for them. They knew what might happen when they guarded somebody like this.
Derek looked around for Mujahid’s body but couldn’t see it.


Not only ALL BODYGUARDS were in the cubby, but the target was ALSO in the cubby. I can only facepalm to this.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars. In my opinion, with the way you write, you should switch to first-person POV. Currently, you don't write anything besides the thoughts and actions of the MC. So I see no reason why you can't rewrite it, add some description from MC's POV, and call it a day.
 

Edd99

Member
Joined
Jul 11, 2022
Messages
22
Points
18
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter The Initialization.

Before I start talking about the novel itself, I will mention that you suffer from the same problems as the previous novel. Your synopsis, tags, cover, and title are lackluster, to say the least.

Why should I read your story? Imagine I'm a random reader. I see a very bland cover but decide to give it a try. Next, I see your synopsis, which consists of one UNFINISHED sentence. Next, I look at the tags, and there is almost nothing there as well. There is nothing that would help me to gauge what to expect from a story. Right from the get-go, it screams at me that the story is generic.

But it's not the end. I look at the number of chapters, and there are two available chapters. So I will repeat the question. Why should I read your story? There is no incentive. Why, out of all the available novels, should I pick yours?

I literally copypasted what I've written in previous feedback. The previous novel has a combination of action+adventure+fantasy genres. Your novel has action+adventure+fantasy. Out of two novels with the same problems and presentation, why should I choose yours? What sets your story apart? A couple of tags that don't tell me anything?

I understand it's your first time writing. Work on the presentation because currently, it won't attract readers.

Now to your story. It's badly written, and one chapter was enough to see glaring mistakes in the story and your writing. But before I start with the main problems, I will quickly mention your grammar.

Here are a couple of examples of different mistakes.

He took stock of his surroundings, What? Typo?

Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut., A typo.

had knocked his gun away. and was on top of him. A typo?

He panicked, and tried to grab a knife, however, he couldn’t as his arms would not stay still. What?

Those are a couple of examples which means that there are probably more in the text. You have to excuse me, but I'm not in the shape right now, so I won't be able to show more examples. I probably missed more because when I was reading I felt like something was wrong, but I won't insist.

Now to the part that's actually bad. It's illogical. Your story is illogical. Even if you say it's fiction, the suspense of disbelief, and every other excuse you can come up with, it doesn't deny the fact that it's illogical.

Let's start with the easy part.

This was Derek's last job. After this, he was going to finally leave the order, and become a semi-normal member of society! All he had to do, was finish one job. One assassination. One target. After that, he was free! Derek had so many plans laid out for what he wanted to do. After all, he had enough money to retire at 30.

What happens next?
The more the voice said, the more Derek’s eyes lit up. His skills as an assassin would be perfect here!

So, instead of freaking out that he was so close to retirement, freaking out that he ended up who knows where, lamenting that he should continue his life of killing, and so on, he is excited. Even though he had SO MANY PLANS.

Btw, if you say that he is a trained assassin and won't let his emotions stir so easily, I will, first of all, say, BULLSHIT, and then I will simply use your own text.

Derek’s heart raced as he crept through the window into the house.

His look of satisfaction quickly changed to one of horror as brain matter and blood sprayed all over him.

He shows emotions. This means, that him being happy when he was put who knows where is fucking illogical.

Another illogical thing is obviously the way he assassinates, and the way that assassination was written.

Derek Hunt, a former assassin working for the American government

And apparently, an assassin working for the American government has a gas mask, a gas grenade, and... custom-made Tec-9, with an illegal full-auto modification.

He works for the government. First of all, writing that there is an illegal modification is absolutely wrong. You should've written something like, "a full-auto modification on Tec-9 would usually be illegal, but working for the government had its perks."

Secondly, the fact that he fucking assassinates people with Tec-9 and a SINGLE grenade is absolutely unbelievable and illogical.

He can't control his emotions while on the job, and the fact that he felt HORROR after seeing brain matter and blood are also stupid and illogical. Disgust is the most negative emotion he should feel, not freaking horror.

And after talking about how your story is illogical, I will add another problem. You don't add ANY details, ANY descriptions, ANY metaphors. It's always action, after action, after action, after action. He did that, then he did this, and ended up doing that.

It makes me feel like he acts in a vacuous space.

An example of what I mean would also add to the number of illogical things you've written.

Derek dashed across the width of the hallway, while somehow making no noise, and pressed his body against a little cubby on the other side. Derek sighed in relief. He then pulled out a circular object from his belt, leaned over, rolled it in, and closed the door. Then, he leaned out to hold the door shut.,
Derek pulled with all his strength as the door was being desperately pulled from the other side. Just as he was about to lose the contest of strength, the pulling suddenly stopped. Derek reprimanded himself for cutting it so close.


The reason for copying so much of your text is to explain something. You didn't describe the home of a terrorist at all. And if I look at what I was given(text in bold) I HAVE to assume a couple of things.

1. ALL bodyguards were in a little cubby with no exception.

2. The cubby had NO windows, no backdoor, no nothing. Only one door.

3. The bodyguards don't know how to scream, nor do they know how to use walkie-talkies or other means of communication.

4. Is the most stupid thing ever but before mentioning it I must use your text again.

Derek took a deep breath and moved into the smoke. Derek looked around, sweeping the immediate area around him. From what he could see, which was only a meter in every direction, all the guards were down. Derek had no pity for them. They knew what might happen when they guarded somebody like this.
Derek looked around for Mujahid’s body but couldn’t see it.


Not only ALL BODYGUARDS were in the cubby, but the target was ALSO in the cubby. I can only facepalm to this.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars. In my opinion, with the way you write, you should switch to first-person POV. Currently, you don't write anything besides the thoughts and actions of the MC. So I see no reason why you can't rewrite it, add some description from MC's POV, and call it a day.
Cool thx for feedback. Obviously I'm a little disappointed but i understand where you are coming from and ill try to correct my story as much as I can do even with my bad writing. Thanks for taking the time out of your day to read my story, even if it was bad, because at this point, any and all feedback means a lot to me. I'll be making some edits based on your suggestions, and I hope maybe that I could try again after extensive rewriting if possible. Have a gud day :)
 
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