Yet another free feedback thread.

SailusGebel

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LOL I love your sincerity !! Please, do a review and post here.
Thanks in advance

Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 2 – Lian Yu (1).

Before I start with the feedback, I should mention that my knowledge of DC is fragmented, and I know almost nothing about Green Arrow or Amanda Waller. That's why I can't say whether the characters act the way they should. I also have no idea about locations, organization, and so on.
Though I can't say whether the characters acted properly or not, I can say that the dialogues and interactions are badly written. It doesn't feel like it's two people having a chat. It feels like an unmasked attempt to spoon-feed me the info.

I know this is a pretty vague statement, but I won't be able to phrase it any better. The problem lies in the way you write. I would call it a childish way of writing. Childish, in the sense that your prose is simple in a bad way. The text looks somewhat like a report rather than a story. You write unnecessary stuff and omit a lot of details that are necessary, and the characters don't act like real people.

Another thing, I felt that the chapters I read are unedited first drafts because of the mistakes I've seen. You sometimes don't capitalize the pronoun "I," you use weird punctuation, your paragraphing is weird, and you use wrong tenses.

Let's start with the easy part, capitalization problems. Here are a couple of examples.

I heard a woman's voice and looked up from where i was sitting.

Yeah, i got what i needed.

i have no way of fighting aliens and gods that walk amoung us.2 Here, you didn't capitalize I again, plus the weird "2" at the end of the sentence, a typo?

Now to a bit more broad problem, your punctuation. Here are a couple of examples.

to me.It was a person Self-explanatory.

'' Up to you. Weird punctuation, not only do you use two apostrophes instead of a quotation mark, there is space between the letter and apostrophes.

the Pilot, '' I'll pay when Same as before.

'' Do i at least got a Pilot?'' Same as before, plus your ending is also two apostrophes. PLUS, you didn't capitalize the pronoun again.

to fly to Lian Yu?''she said No space, two apostrophes instead of quotation marks, and didn't capitalize the start of a new sentence.

'' 5 million or i dont fly.'' Weird punctuation, plus didn't capitalize "I," plus the wrong tense was used. Should be "I won't fly."

With punctuation out of the way, let's talk about your paragraphing. A couple of examples.

likely because I am still in shock.
While I'm still standing there in shock
, You ruin the flow of text with this unnecessary repetition that can be avoided if you combine these two paragraphs into one.

presumably, the hangar.
Inside the hangar, there were a few
Could've made it into a single paragraph and gotten rid of the unnecessary repetition of the word hangar, and improved the flow of text.

She raised her eyebrows at me, "Don't even joke that you don't have them. You're Amanda Waller, you have files of everyone'' You should specify who is talking here. Usually, a new line in dialogue signifies that a different person says something. The previous line had MC talking, a new paragraph, Amanda raises an eyebrow, yet it's MC who is talking again.

And now, let me mention some miscellaneous mistakes that I didn't group.

The pilot, whose name was Esther,
After Ester took flight
I looked at Ester, Typo?

Confused, i looked around and noticed i was in a room. A useless sentence that doesn't add anything. Get rid of it or rewrite it.

I left the interrogation room (?) What the hell is this question mark in parenthesis\round brackets?

where there was... something there. Badly phrased.

All the mistakes that I've mentioned before make me think that you didn't even bother to edit anything. Maybe that's why I thought the way you write was childish.

Anyway, that's the end of the feedback. Though your story was relatively easy to read and comprehend, you've achieved it with the wrong means. There was nothing to your story so far; there was no story. You spent two chapters trying to explain the isekai, key word here, trying. You've tried but failed and wrote an undisguised report of why I should suspend my disbelief.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.5 stars.
 

Ssthat

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Hilarious.
 

SailusGebel

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Hilarious.
Tell me where you would like to get your feedback, here or PM.
 

SailusGebel

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If you'd be so kind to do mine:
Hiskandrios Genesis
Forum reply is fine, even if it's brutally brutal.
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1 | A boy and a girl.

First of all, let me mention grammar, prose, and so on. I won't comment on it. Even though I dislike your writing a lot, I won't show examples of it. I'm sure there are mistakes, but I won't be able to properly point them out and explain why it is a legit mistake. With me pointing them out, I'm certain you will brush it off, thinking I simply don't like your 'style.' So I will leave this part for actual reviewers and authors.

The only thing I will mention here is that I noticed one typo.
Before Done commanded me to protect Florencia at Cappesand,

Okay, with this out of the way, let me talk about the story itself. It was painful to read. Perhaps it was a problem with my expectations because your synopsis was somewhat promising. After all, you made the world 20 years ago; surely you can pull off a dark fantasy?

Nope, you can't.

The writing is extremely childish. I get it, the story is in a first-person POV, so there are certain restrictions... You immediately ruined it by writing as if the MC recalls what happened. Why you ruined it; what the hell am I even saying?

By writing as if he recalls stuff, you got rid of restrictions that first-person POV forces on a story and started adding details that MC wouldn't know. It's bad because by doing it, you immediately made logical mistakes.

The most obvious one.
Another burden on their humble income. Darnel was not a town where one could make a lot of coin.
Neighbors brought her some from their trips to the larger world outside Darnel.


So apparently, the town is poor, yet everyone goes, fuck it, and decides to buy freaking books for her? Like, books that are probably very expensive? Seriously? And here's another problem and yet another logical mistake here. It doesn't even matter whether the books are expensive or not. Why would neighbors gift books to her?

The MC constantly mentions how aloof and weird he is; he points out his observations about his parents and other people. Here is an example where he tells a reader his observations and conjecture.
I received a few well-wishes from teachers, and a disappointed look from the foreman, who would lose out on a young man to cut down the many trees needed for his next contract.

Yet he doesn't bother to make a guess on why the hell are people gifting books to a promising mage. Are they trying to butter her up? Are they expecting something out of this? What the hell is happening in this supposedly dark fantasy? Are they simply kind and think that young talent should be groomed collectively?

The first chapter is way too MC-centered, which should be okay if you didn't try to add stuff about others. When I combine bits and pieces about the world and other characters, I end up with a world that lies dormant all the time unless MC interacts with it. Like, the world and characters all revolve around MC in the worst way it can happen in a book.

There is no explanation for why his parents completely ignore him instead of forcing him to earn his food(yeah-yeah, I bet an explanation about this is a spoiler to his strangely-strange, mystical powers). A freaking dark fantasy, a town where it's hard to earn money. A couple gets, BEGRUDGINGLY, another mouth to feed. What will they do to a boy who spends all of his time daydreaming? Eh, just ignore him.

The unresolved conflict filled the house with tension. So it was on most days. I blamed them for not trying enough. Dorne and Lielana blamed me for being weird, and never getting along with the rest of the villagers. This isn't an explanation; this is a plug. They fucking blamed a five-year-old boy. They didn't try to discipline him or get him to church because he is weird or something. They didn't SCOLD HIM. They fucking blamed him.

Why does the girl like him so much? Eh, just ignore it or say it's because of the powers and a huge spoiler.

Why no one bullies him? Eh, just ignore it or say it's because of the powers.

Instead of writing as if he was actually reminiscing past days, why not add a ton of; I was aloof and weird. I wasn't like everyone else; I had powers. I got used to being shunned.

Again, he recalls stuff and comments on it. I should have tried more to connect with them, But instead of actually analyzing his past(like he did in an example above) and trying to make a proper logical story out of the pieces he came to know after growing older, I get whining from a fourteen-year-old 'doomer' with 'incurable' and 'severe' depression. The dude basically screams how special he is all the time.

I was sitting alone, losing myself to dark thoughts, He was like, fourteen or something at the time. Dark thoughts when you are fourteen years old. Your novel definitely smells like a dark fantasy story.

Btw, just a quick reminder. He was losing himself to dark thoughts after seeing the death of a person who ignored him completely. He was losing himself to dark thoughts after seeing the death of a person who was mentioned to blame him when he was fucking five years old, fed him, clothed him, and after that, she vanished from a story and the world.

As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 1.25 stars.
 

P00H

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Good day to you...
Thanks for not rating it, there are some who would purely out of spite. I do say that the first 2 chapters are more introductory, and the real plot picks up on chapter 3, but if you don't like the writing then it doesn't really matter.
 

SailusGebel

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Thanks for not rating it, there are some who would purely out of spite. I do say that the first 2 chapters are more introductory, and the real plot picks up on chapter 3, but if you don't like the writing then it doesn't really matter.
I don't remember a single reviewer here on SH giving a novel low rating even if they don't like it or think the novel is bad. Usually, people write a review without a rating or give five stars.

The main reason I stopped was due to logical mistakes. It has nothing to do with writing.
 

SailusGebel

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Since you're being honest about this, I'll be it too: Tell me your opinion of my story as a random reader. Mine is a super-hero comedy, with a newly formed villain as a main character. It has some litRPG elements but those are just to fill the word count just a way to entertain myself.
The link is... pretty noticeable below
Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1: “Where nothing interesting happens until author says something suggestive” and skimming through Chapter 2: “Where we suffer the Melancholy of Lawrence Lakewood”.

First, I will say a couple of things that aren't related to grammar and prose. Your story is not my cup of tea, but besides that, I have one thing I didn't like.

God. God doesn't act like a God. I know you will say that every God in every story is different, that this is how you perceive a crazy God, and so on and so forth. What I've read was a cringe-inducing role-playing fourteen-year-old boy.

The dude mentioned other civilizations, yet he acts exactly like a human. This God has mentioned he likes humans the most, yet he doesn't know or forgot a lot of stuff about Earth. I don't know, I can't see the demential, imbecile, multi-personality deity watching over him. I see a teenage boy who tryhards to act as the demential, imbecile, multi-personality deity watching over him.

Oh, and the usual. Comedy is in the genres, yet it's dreadfully unfunny and boring.

About your grammar, prose, and so on. It was relatively easy to read, even though I didn't particularly like the way you write. However, I've noticed more than a single mistake.

Now, a freaking frightrain-like voice screaming right into your soul that karma What is frightrain?

A big drop formed in the center of the multicolor puddle, but before it fell of the… ceiling (?) entirely, it froze in place. Typo? There is no need for parenthesis in a third-person POV.

They’re as good saving their own assess as dooming themselves to extinction. As good as used wrongly.

An alarm clock smugly rang a wake up tone. In a lonely shelve hanging above his bed that he had placed there. Bad punctuation. These two sentences should be one.

In a moment of sanity (or madness) Using parenthesis in a third-person POV = shit writing. You can write whatever you want in your text.
However, this event is is not only a cause for happiness. Typo.

The popular hero Spyglass & Tobacco, a fourth generation hero from Law-enforcing Heroes Union (LHU for short) Here the problem is even bigger than before. This usage of parenthesis(round brackets) is in the middle of a person's speech... this person is a reporter\correspondent... Do reporters even use abbreviations? I'm not sure, but even if they do, the usage of parenthesis in such a way is still a shit writing. You could've easily written it like this, The popular hero Spyglass & Tobacco, a fourth generation hero from Law-enforcing Heroes Union, LHU, claims that the cause

Despite those mistakes, it was relatively easy to read. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars.
 

AuntieMaysLittleCousin

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Good day to you. Before I start with the feedback, I would mention that English is my second language. I stopped reading after finishing Chapter 1: “Where nothing interesting happens until author says something suggestive” and skimming through Chapter 2: “Where we suffer the Melancholy of Lawrence Lakewood”.

First, I will say a couple of things that aren't related to grammar and prose. Your story is not my cup of tea, but besides that, I have one thing I didn't like.

God. God doesn't act like a God. I know you will say that every God in every story is different, that this is how you perceive a crazy God, and so on and so forth. What I've read was a cringe-inducing role-playing fourteen-year-old boy.

The dude mentioned other civilizations, yet he acts exactly like a human. This God has mentioned he likes humans the most, yet he doesn't know or forgot a lot of stuff about Earth. I don't know, I can't see the demential, imbecile, multi-personality deity watching over him. I see a teenage boy who tryhards to act as the demential, imbecile, multi-personality deity watching over him.

Oh, and the usual. Comedy is in the genres, yet it's dreadfully unfunny and boring.

About your grammar, prose, and so on. It was relatively easy to read, even though I didn't particularly like the way you write. However, I've noticed more than a single mistake.

Now, a freaking frightrain-like voice screaming right into your soul that karma What is frightrain?

A big drop formed in the center of the multicolor puddle, but before it fell of the… ceiling (?) entirely, it froze in place. Typo? There is no need for parenthesis in a third-person POV.

They’re as good saving their own assess as dooming themselves to extinction. As good as used wrongly.

An alarm clock smugly rang a wake up tone. In a lonely shelve hanging above his bed that he had placed there. Bad punctuation. These two sentences should be one.

In a moment of sanity (or madness) Using parenthesis in a third-person POV = shit writing. You can write whatever you want in your text.
However, this event is is not only a cause for happiness. Typo.

The popular hero Spyglass & Tobacco, a fourth generation hero from Law-enforcing Heroes Union (LHU for short) Here the problem is even bigger than before. This usage of parenthesis(round brackets) is in the middle of a person's speech... this person is a reporter\correspondent... Do reporters even use abbreviations? I'm not sure, but even if they do, the usage of parenthesis in such a way is still a shit writing. You could've easily written it like this, The popular hero Spyglass & Tobacco, a fourth generation hero from Law-enforcing Heroes Union, LHU, claims that the cause

Despite those mistakes, it was relatively easy to read. As usual, I didn't rate your story. But if I had to, 2.75-3 stars.
Well, took your time but I appreciate the... Overly... honest... review.
Alright, like you said, not your story, I get it.
Anyways, most of your criticism comes from the fact mine just isn't the kind of stories you like. Fine, I understand that. I just want to write an absurd comedy for laughing, not the next Lord of the Rings, etc.

The sentence you point as 'wrongly punctuated' is actually intentionally left so to emphasize the fact that MC had placed it there, but I suppose it's my failure. I'll work on that.

And this is a freight train.

All in all, thanks for taking your time and I'll see what I'll work on.
 

SailusGebel

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Well, took your time but I appreciate the... Overly... honest... review.
Alright, like you said, not your story, I get it.
Anyways, most of your criticism comes from the fact mine just isn't the kind of stories you like. Fine, I understand that. I just want to write an absurd comedy for laughing, not the next Lord of the Rings, etc.

The sentence you point as 'wrongly punctuated' is actually intentionally left so to emphasize the fact that MC had placed it there, but I suppose it's my failure. I'll work on that.

And this is a freight train.

All in all, thanks for taking your time and I'll see what I'll work on.
Sorry for taking so long for something not so helpful. And you are right. Every feedback I give is an undisguised biased opinion of a single reader.

Though I talk about objective parts, I also mention a lot of subjective things. A good example of my subjective bias is my dislike of the Japanese setting in a story written by a non-Japanese author. Or, as you could've noticed, comedy. So far, in the whole thread, only one joke in one comedy story made me chuckle, and one joke made me smile.
 

SailusGebel

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Please post the review in this thread.

I won't be able to give any feedback to you. There are two reasons for that.

The first reason is I dislike the way you write. Even though I want to be helpful and point out mistakes, with my skills, I won't be able to do it. Plus, I acknowledge that you want to write differently, which is why I'm even more against trying to show any mistakes.

For example. Oft the maids could not be bothered to bring up firewood. I thought oft was a mistake, but then you repeated it once more. So, is it a typo or a deliberate choice? I'm leaning towards the fact that it was your deliberate choice, just like everything I might deem as a mistake. With my dislike and lack of skill I will simply waste time, and I don't want to do this.

If you want to improve your writing, you should ask other authors or reviewers\critics for advice. I provide feedback as a simple reader. For advice on your writing go to TheTrinary(his feedback thread) or Motsu thread if it's still alive.

The second reason, your story is not my cup of tea. Self-explanatory.
 

SailusGebel

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Can I get also a free review?...Doesn't matter if it is in this thread.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/619890/archmage-me-cool/
I can't judge or review your book. There are way too many different mistakes. Punctuation, typos, usage of wrong words, bad paragraphing, and many more.

You need to read guides, you need to read a well-written story and compare it with what you've written, and you need a proper reviewer, editor, or a good author who can help you and guide you. I'm a shit author, so I can't do it, but there is Motsu's feedback thread. If it's still alive, ask for a review there or make a separate thread.
 

SailusGebel

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Hilarious.
You should probably put the comedy genre if the rest of your story is like the first chapter. Or at least use a comedic undertone tag, as it's not a serious story.

As for the story itself, I can't judge or review it. There are way too many different mistakes. Besides the thing I mentioned in the previous feedback, your story also has logical mistakes(plotholes); you constantly switch POVs, and you info dump. The way you write is childish, the dialogues are bad, and the worldbuilding is bad as well.

You need to read guides, you need to read a well-written story and compare it with what you've written, and you need a proper reviewer, editor, or a good author who can help you and guide you. I'm a shit author, so I can't do it, but there is Motsu's feedback thread. If it's still alive, ask for a review there or make a separate thread.
 

Ssthat

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You should probably put the comedy genre if the rest of your story is like the first chapter. Or at least use a comedic undertone tag, as it's not a serious story.

As for the story itself, I can't judge or review it. There are way too many different mistakes. Besides the thing I mentioned in the previous feedback, your story also has logical mistakes(plotholes); you constantly switch POVs, and you info dump. The way you write is childish, the dialogues are bad, and the worldbuilding is bad as well.

You need to read guides, you need to read a well-written story and compare it with what you've written, and you need a proper reviewer, editor, or a good author who can help you and guide you. I'm a shit author, so I can't do it, but there is Motsu's feedback thread. If it's still alive, ask for a review there or make a separate thread.
yeah, i knew most of this already, but thanks for confirming. I'll work on it. Appreciate the feedback.
 

Ararara

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If you've got the time, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my first chapter, the link is in my signature. Feel free to skip it though, I'd already gotten quite a lot of feedback from different people! Not a high-priority post. But I can't say no to an offer for even more thoughts, the temptation is too strong...

Even one thought like "X could be better" or "I didn't like Y" would be amazing (but of course, the more I get the better, there's for sure lots of things that could be improved in a rewrite...)

Also big props for doing this for the community, you rock! Free feedback threads are amazing for new writers! <3
 
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