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"Ahem.. is this thing on? Yes, thank you to principal Dimblideer for the warm welcome here at Swinemoles school for Hexes and Hexeries. I am delighted to see so many new faces! As prof. Dimblideer has explained, my name is prof. Incaendia and I teach the arts of self defense magic from the friendly neighborhood magic school for monsters. As you already know, I am a vampire. And I am here today, with some regret, to teach you fine young men and women of our promising future, why it's a terrible idea to try and murder people with wooden stakes."
The woman who stood at the podium smiled her most charming smile, exposing her long white fangs, making many in the crowd of school teens slightly nervous.
"Unfortunately, while I'm sure you are all quite sensible, civilized children and need not be taught such basic common sense, as they say, an ounce of prevention is worth more than a ton of reparations. And, sadly, many human, anti-vampire vigilante groups who buy into unreliable folklore from the MIDDLE FREAKING AGES... *ahem*.. excuse me... does end up suffering from the consequences of their actions. In this guest lecture, I shall teach you exactly why many of the people who attempt murder on vampires die gruesomely by explosion. So that, if you ever find yourself in a situation where you choose to commit murder, you can at the very least have the information to do so in a scientific and civilized way, and not become a burden on the budget of public healthcare. Or force some poor janitor to pick up pieces of your bones and soft tissue from the curb. They're not paid enough for that sort of thing... But, yes, vampires and high explosives. Please take a look at this."
Professor Incaendia clicked a small remote controller in her hand and the whitescreen lit up with an image of a humanoids internal organs.
"This is an x-ray scan of a vampires internal organs. As you can see, there's a lot of basic similarities with humans, you have the lungs and the heart. But we also have these glands, these things that look like a second and third pair of lungs. These are the thoracea, and we have them in common with birds, and they are part of what allows flight. However, birds are quite fragile creatures, relying on the lightness of their hollow bones to overcome gravity. Us vampires rely on our internal supplies of propane. It's the same gas you'll see burned by hot air balloons. We produce it naturally, as being denizens native to Hell, we're quite immune to fire. And sunlight, I might add, it ain't hotter than the Infernal Flames, just so we have that ridiculous myth out of the way. The first time a vampire burned in the sun was in a vampire movie that ran out of funds for anything flashier.
You humans, on the other hand, are NOT immune to fire. Or propane-fuelled explosions. You'd think that'd be obvious, but every year there are at least a couple of suckers who die from their own ignorance... so, how does stabbing a vampire with a stake - in addition to being incredibly rude and ignorant - deliver the perpetrator a hot bag of instant karma?"
Proffessor Incaendia clicked her little remote controller again. This time it showed vampire bones, strangely silvery in color.
"This silvery sheen, my dear young friends, is lithium. Although it's pretty strong, it's also the lightest metal known to mankind, and... quite flammable. Us vampires are safe from the flammable effects - the oils in our body douse fire immediately. However, sparks may occur. Especially when some dumb fucker decides to ram a wooden stake into said spark-inducing metal, that just so happens to hold several organs filled with propane. Now, sensitive viewers, please be warned here and look away if you don't wish to see the following footage. It was taken by a security camera, of a human vigilante who tried to kill a vamp through these... unscientific methods. It's quite gory, so please be warned. Everybody who wants to look away, please do so now. Okay? Good."
Incaendia clicked the play button and a video that a few kids might know from the trending lists on Youtube began to play. It showed two people, slightly blurred, one of whom raised a sharp-looking object and brought it down upon the other and...
... there was an explosion, like a fiery bullet that shot out of the victim and hit the stabber with a powerful force, igniting everything in a three meter radius, and presumably ending the stabbers life. The victim, seemingly panicking, grew a pair of wings and flew away.
"... that, my dear friends, is why you should at least do scientific murder if you must murder at all. As you can tell, actually stabbing through one of the thoraic sacs doesn't completely nullify a vampires ability to fly, as nature saw fit to equip us with three of these as a last defense against suicidal morons. And, by the way, these foolish attempts to kill vampires hurts our race as much as actually successful murders our kind would, it might only damage our hope for humanity but it's truly stupid enough to hurt. Please educate all your friends. Thank you for listening to this talk, and TRY not to win the Darwin award."