Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[SailusGebel]

Divide and conquer.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hmm... I'm curious how you'll respond to the erotica vignette I wrote called "Breakfast in Bed."

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

Your writing was not a disappointment at all. The writing itself flows really smoothly, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. The descriptions are enough for me to have an understanding of the scene, and the dialogue doesn't feel really cringe. To many times I will read stuff like this (meaning GL smut) and cringe super hard at the dialogue or the events themselves. That being said, it is hard for me to give you more than 4. There is something missing here. That could be because it is a small sample of your writing.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

I personally like this because it doesn't come off majorly as GL written by a guy. I am sure you have heard of this, but oftentimes in these situations it is easy to tell if the GL was written by a male. Yours doesn't give off that vibe as much. You actually describe sensations of the character, and you don't place in over exaggerated sounds and descriptions. You also include reasonable dialogue for the scene. The main reason that I cannot rate it higher in personal enjoyment is the length. It is quite short, but that is expected for this type of scenario.

Appeal: (1/5)​

This doesn't appeal to a massive audience for obvious reasons. It is just a short and overall part of a much larger story. I haven't read the story that this is based off of, so I cannot give advice for appealing to a large audience. Sorry that this section is short, but I am sure this is the expected result.

Conclusion​

It is well written and descriptive enough. It also doesn't make me cringe like so many others. Overall, you did a fairly good job! It is a short, so there isn't much to say about appeal. However, I can tell that your prose has seen refinement through your own hard work!

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[HelloHound]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

I want to start by saying that first person present is my least favorite form. That being said, I actually enjoy your writing itself. I read the first two chapters, and the flow was quite nice. There were no times where I had to go back and re-read something to get an understanding. You are descriptive enough, so I can generally understand what is going on. Also, I see you are a fellow lover of semi-colons. The reason that this loses 2 for me is due to the present tense, but I will expound on that in the next section.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

Despite not liking present tense, I found this quite enjoyable to read. There is an issue I have though. It is all present tense, and she is supposed to not understand what the mother is saying. I think the same thing should be true for the reader. Having the language understood by the reader takes away from the experience, rather than adding. Moreover, it is in present tense; therefore, the reader should have no understanding of what is going on. It would create more mystery if the reader was also in the dark. In my opinion, you should make the reader believe that she is truly being kidnapped, or have subtle hints that the mother is not a captor. Having said all of that, I did like it overall, but making the language unintelligible would probably raise my score. Either that or make the whole thing in past tense, so that it makes more sense for the reader to understand.

Appeal: (2/5)​

Even though this is GL, I think the appeal score is lowered to 2. This is due to the fact that she isn't going to be portrayed as a typical "cute" protagonist. The fact that she is even masculine looking is a negative to most potential male readers (I think). On top of that, there is the gross factor of projectile vomiting cubes. Though saying all of this, it makes me want to read more just to understand the reason for cube vomit. This story appeals to me (especially if you change the thing about language comprehension), but I really don't think this appeals to the majority of SH reader base.

Conclusion​

The fact that it is written in first person present should mean that the reader has the same understanding as the character (IMO). Your writing itself is actually quite good, and I will likely still add it to my reading list (even with the flaw). I personally want to read on, but I don't think this story has massive SH appeal.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

thanks for reading and your thoughts and I'll seriously consider the whole changing language thing considering several other reviewers also suggested that, but I added it so people would have a reason to care about the mom a bit more so I'm not sure how to fix that particular issue. Maybe I should change the chapter pov in one to show her (the mom's) perspective of her strange quiet child? That might muddle the narrative too early though...I'm definitely going to have to chew on it. Thanks again bleh-bleh bleh

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

thanks for reading and your thoughts and I'll seriously consider the whole changing language thing considering several other reviewers also suggested that, but I added it so people would have a reason to care about the mom a bit more so I'm not sure how to fix that particular issue. Maybe I should change the chapter pov in one to show her (the mom's) perspective of her strange quiet child? That might muddle the narrative too early though...I'm definitely going to have to chew on it. Thanks again bleh-bleh bleh

If you want to give a reason for readers to care about the mom without making another POV, just have it reflected in what the MC experiences/feels. If you make the MC question whether the mom is truly a kidnapper then the readers will too. Don't assume that readers won't be able to pick up on nuance. Even if the MC had a thought such as is this woman truly an evil kidnapper. The readers would also question that fact. Of course, you can also give this vibe without that thought. Even if the MC continues to think that she is a kidnapper, if the experiences don't reflect that the readers will question if that is the truth.

 

[Anon2024]

Aufheben

 

[Story_Marc]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

Your writing was not a disappointment at all. The writing itself flows really smoothly, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes. The descriptions are enough for me to have an understanding of the scene, and the dialogue doesn't feel really cringe. To many times I will read stuff like this (meaning GL smut) and cringe super hard at the dialogue or the events themselves. That being said, it is hard for me to give you more than 4. There is something missing here. That could be because it is a small sample of your writing.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

I personally like this because it doesn't come off majorly as GL written by a guy. I am sure you have heard of this, but oftentimes in these situations it is easy to tell if the GL was written by a male. Yours doesn't give off that vibe as much. You actually describe sensations of the character, and you don't place in over exaggerated sounds and descriptions. You also include reasonable dialogue for the scene. The main reason that I cannot rate it higher in personal enjoyment is the length. It is quite short, but that is expected for this type of scenario.

Appeal: (1/5)​

This doesn't appeal to a massive audience for obvious reasons. It is just a short and overall part of a much larger story. I haven't read the story that this is based off of, so I cannot give advice for appealing to a large audience. Sorry that this section is short, but I am sure this is the expected result.

Conclusion​

It is well written and descriptive enough. It also doesn't make me cringe like so many others. Overall, you did a fairly good job! It is a short, so there isn't much to say about appeal. However, I can tell that your prose has seen refinement through your own hard work!

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Kudos! And yeah, this is just a small example of what I can do. Just a quick dose of entertainment and immediate gratification in a short span of time. If it interests someone in the bigger work, that's great, but my main goal was to create a concentrated narrative experience that allows the reader to indulge in a brief, immersive encounter.

I am curious how you'd tell the difference between GL as written by guys and girls. I have a theory based on my own experience and research, but I'd love to hear your assessment to see where there's overlap and differences.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Kudos! And yeah, this is just a small example of what I can do. Just a quick dose of entertainment and immediate gratification in a short span of time. If it interests someone in the bigger work, that's great, but my main goal was to create a concentrated narrative experience that allows the reader to indulge in a brief, immersive encounter.

I am curious how you'd tell the difference between GL as written by guys and girls. I have a theory based on my own experience and research, but I'd love to hear your assessment to see where there's overlap and differences.

Guys will often place exaggerated sounds or actions in. I guess it is possible for girls to do this too, but it is less common. Another thing is the choice of words. I don't want to go into it to deeply here, but men and women are generally turned on by different things. A lot of smut comes off as degrading towards women.

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

I want to start by saying that first person present is my least favorite form. That being said, I actually enjoy your writing itself. I read the first two chapters, and the flow was quite nice. There were no times where I had to go back and re-read something to get an understanding. You are descriptive enough, so I can generally understand what is going on. Also, I see you are a fellow lover of semi-colons. The reason that this loses 2 for me is due to the present tense, but I will expound on that in the next section.

Personal Enjoyment: (3/5)​

Despite not liking present tense, I found this quite enjoyable to read. There is an issue I have though. It is all present tense, and she is supposed to not understand what the mother is saying. I think the same thing should be true for the reader. Having the language understood by the reader takes away from the experience, rather than adding. Moreover, it is in present tense; therefore, the reader should have no understanding of what is going on. It would create more mystery if the reader was also in the dark. In my opinion, you should make the reader believe that she is truly being kidnapped, or have subtle hints that the mother is not a captor. Having said all of that, I did like it overall, but making the language unintelligible would probably raise my score. Either that or make the whole thing in past tense, so that it makes more sense for the reader to understand.

Appeal: (2/5)​

Even though this is GL, I think the appeal score is lowered to 2. This is due to the fact that she isn't going to be portrayed as a typical "cute" protagonist. The fact that she is even masculine looking is a negative to most potential male readers (I think). On top of that, there is the gross factor of projectile vomiting cubes. Though saying all of this, it makes me want to read more just to understand the reason for cube vomit. This story appeals to me (especially if you change the thing about language comprehension), but I really don't think this appeals to the majority of SH reader base.

Conclusion​

The fact that it is written in first person present should mean that the reader has the same understanding as the character (IMO). Your writing itself is actually quite good, and I will likely still add it to my reading list (even with the flaw). I personally want to read on, but I don't think this story has massive SH appeal.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

@HelloHound LOL. She projectile vomits cubes? Sounds like a wombat, but with a reversed direction to which end of the digestive system is being used. Was this intentional?

 

[HelloHound]

@HelloHound LOL. She projectile vomits cubes? Sounds like a wombat, but with a reversed direction to which end of the digestive system is being used. Was this intentional?

very intentional and I use it as a plot device and opening towards a mystery about my darling baby girl sybil and why the heck she's Like That

 

[TheMonotonePuppet]

very intentional and I use it as a plot device and opening towards a mystery about my darling baby girl sybil and why the heck she's Like That

Oh cool! Wildlife awesomeness for the win!

 

[ToushiroYA]

May I have this opportunity as well? on thread, please. I'm thankful for any feedback.
The Story of my Cute Snek

 

[WaryTiger]

Thank you for your time. I don't visit these forums often, so if it suits you're welcome to also leave your feedback as a review/comment on the work.


Little Bamboo

 

[PBJ_Time]

I don't have a novel yet, but I'd appreciate it immensely if you'd give me feedback here for the two drafts I've written for my upcoming isekai litRPG story. I wanna know which one works better and has the best appeal.

Slay The Cross (Old)

docs.google.com

Google Docs: Sign-in

Access Google Docs with a personal Google account or Google Workspace account (for business use).

docs.google.com

 

[ElijahRyne]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

Could you do mine, it is quite experimental.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/778889/an-interactive-alchemy-textbook-on-planar-travel/
You can do the review here

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/699373/a-black-market-litrpg/

in thread plz

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

I must say that your writing is quite good. It flows well, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes or punctuation errors. It is easy to tell what is happening, and you explain things really well. The only time where it was difficult for me to tell what was happening was during the fight scene, but that is probably just me. Some of the sentences could be refined and made shorter by cutting out superfluous detail, but I won't harp on that since I share the same issue a lot of the time. Overall, the writing was enjoyable for me.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I only read the first chapter, and I can safely say that this is really not for me. First off, I don't really like LitRPG with a few exceptions, but this is not one of those. The text boxes look weird to me, and I feel like they didn't add anything here anyways. I only read one chapter, so I am not sure about your system or whatever else. Secondly, I don't really like the actual events taking place. It is a bit edgy. I don't have a problem with some edgy stories (I have written one), but I can already tell this isn't my cup of tea.

Appeal: (3/5)​

This has a decent amount of appeal towards a particular audience, but you would probably have more luck on RoyalRoad. I haven't checked if you posted there, but that site deals with a lot of stories like this. I can't see this appealing to a massive audience, but you could gain a decent amount of traction. I was torn between 3 and 4 admittedly, but I chose to go with 3 in the end. The only advice I can give is to post the story on RR for the most interaction.

Conclusion​

This story isn't really for me, but your writing is good. I could see a world where this gains a bunch of popularity here, but I also want to recommend posting on RR.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[M.G.Driver]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

I must say that your writing is quite good. It flows well, and I didn't notice any grammar mistakes or punctuation errors. It is easy to tell what is happening, and you explain things really well. The only time where it was difficult for me to tell what was happening was during the fight scene, but that is probably just me. Some of the sentences could be refined and made shorter by cutting out superfluous detail, but I won't harp on that since I share the same issue a lot of the time. Overall, the writing was enjoyable for me.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I only read the first chapter, and I can safely say that this is really not for me. First off, I don't really like LitRPG with a few exceptions, but this is not one of those. The text boxes look weird to me, and I feel like they didn't add anything here anyways. I only read one chapter, so I am not sure about your system or whatever else. Secondly, I don't really like the actual events taking place. It is a bit edgy. I don't have a problem with some edgy stories (I have written one), but I can already tell this isn't my cup of tea.

Appeal: (3/5)​

This has a decent amount of appeal towards a particular audience, but you would probably have more luck on RoyalRoad. I haven't checked if you posted there, but that site deals with a lot of stories like this. I can't see this appealing to a massive audience, but you could gain a decent amount of traction. I was torn between 3 and 4 admittedly, but I chose to go with 3 in the end. The only advice I can give is to post the story on RR for the most interaction.

Conclusion​

This story isn't really for me, but your writing is good. I could see a world where this gains a bunch of popularity here, but I also want to recommend posting on RR.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Thank you, I will see how posting on royal road goes.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I only read the prologue of your story, but your writing has many issues. I didn't notice any major grammar/punctuation mistakes. The main issue is your improper use of tenses. The story is in first person present (which is my least favorite form), but that isn't my issue. The issue is that you switch tenses many times, and sometimes the tense swap happens mid sentence. If the tenses were swapped between paragraphs that would at least be more understandable. The next problem is that there is way to much "tell" going on. You don't need to tell me multiple times that a landscape is beautiful. It is better to simply describe the landscape (maybe say that it is beautiful once), but it just feels like you are overexplaining to the readers. It is important to let readers draw conclusions from scenery painted by descriptions alone, in my opinion. The last problem are details that you include that aren't necessary. A few sentences could be cut, and the meaning behind the writing wouldn't change.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I actually don't have any problems with this type of story, but due to the many issues it has, I won't read further. The main guy is spending to much time describing things that don't matter in his internal monologue. At one point he said it was weird going out at night. Then he said he wouldn't do anything weird. That just seems like a weird thing to think about, and it makes me at least think the opposite. Why would he have such a thought in the first place if he wasn't going to do anything weird? Then he asks why a high-school boy would be going alone at night. The internal monologues are just weird to me. The girl is better about this, but only by a little bit. Lastly, there is way to much of "first this happened. then this happened." There isn't any nuance going on, and I don't find myself immersed in the story.

Appeal: (1/5)​

I can say with a fair amount of confidence that this story does not have a broad appeal. Slice-of-life may be popular on this site, and even with tons of mistakes some do get popular. Though, this story has little immersion to keep people engaged. My advice if you want popularity is to either cater to the whims of the scribblehub audience, or improve your writing style. There is a lot of improvement needed for you to hook in readers.

Conclusion​

This story could use a lot of work. The prose has issues, and the characters don't hook me into the story. If you want to gain a steady following, you will either need to cater to the Scribblehub audience or improve a lot.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I only read the prologue of your story, but your writing has many issues. I didn't notice any major grammar/punctuation mistakes. The main issue is your improper use of tenses. The story is in first person present (which is my least favorite form), but that isn't my issue. The issue is that you switch tenses many times, and sometimes the tense swap happens mid sentence. If the tenses were swapped between paragraphs that would at least be more understandable. The next problem is that there is way to much "tell" going on. You don't need to tell me multiple times that a landscape is beautiful. It is better to simply describe the landscape (maybe say that it is beautiful once), but it just feels like you are overexplaining to the readers. It is important to let readers draw conclusions from scenery painted by descriptions alone, in my opinion. The last problem are details that you include that aren't necessary. A few sentences could be cut, and the meaning behind the writing wouldn't change.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I actually don't have any problems with this type of story, but due to the many issues it has, I won't read further. The main guy is spending to much time describing things that don't matter in his internal monologue. At one point he said it was weird going out at night. Then he said he wouldn't do anything weird. That just seems like a weird thing to think about, and it makes me at least think the opposite. Why would he have such a thought in the first place if he wasn't going to do anything weird? Then he asks why a high-school boy would be going alone at night. The internal monologues are just weird to me. The girl is better about this, but only by a little bit. Lastly, there is way to much of "first this happened. then this happened." There isn't any nuance going on, and I don't find myself immersed in the story.

Appeal: (1/5)​

I can say with a fair amount of confidence that this story does not have a broad appeal. Slice-of-life may be popular on this site, and even with tons of mistakes some do get popular. Though, this story has little immersion to keep people engaged. My advice if you want popularity is to either cater to the whims of the scribblehub audience, or improve your writing style. There is a lot of improvement needed for you to hook in readers.

Conclusion​

This story could use a lot of work. The prose has issues, and the characters don't hook me into the story. If you want to gain a steady following, you will either need to cater to the Scribblehub audience or improve a lot.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Holding my urge to write my story for the next week because I'm focusing on exams , so why not listen to some feedbacks?

The Thoughts of A Firework

In thread should be good.

My dumbass forgot to quote you.

 

[SailusGebel]

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

A Tale of Steel and Gunpowder
Here you go en chan.

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I am sorry Pixy, but your writing needs a fair bit of work. When I originally read the story, I read through chapter three, and this time that was also the furthest I got. There are a lot of tense errors, but that isn't even the crux of the issue. The biggest problem you have is your prose, especially in the first two chapters. The flow of the story basically goes like this, "She went into this place. Then she did this. Then she did that." There is very little nuance, and often times words or even whole parts of sentences can be cut out. Admittedly, the writing does get a bit better by chapter three, but it still suffers the same problem of having little nuance. I would suggest cleaning up the sentence structure, chopping out words/phrases that don't add anything, and fix the many tense errors.

Personal Enjoyment: (2/5)​

For this section I am mostly going to talk about the first chapter. This chapter doesn't really do much to hook me into the story. The first portion of the chapter reads like a prologue. It is from Nirra in the future, and then the second chunk of the chapter is in the past when she is a baby. Everything is happening to fast for me to be properly concerned with a singular event. This story has a big pacing problem early on. The first chapter feels like a speed run of events. Your first chapter should be priority in trying to engage readers.
The best advice I can give here is to separate the events of the first chapter into a prologue and chapter one. Though, to make this work you will need to slow down the pacing a bit. As an example the MC simply writes of being gender-bent as if she isn't concerned. This also just makes me write it off as irrelevant. Her death wasn't explored either. It was all just one sentence. All of these things combined pull me out of the first chapter.

Appeal: (3/5)​

In my opinion this story gets either a 2or 3. There is some appeal to the Scribblehub reader base. It has gender-bender, isekai, fantasy, etc. Even though the gender-bent aspect is quickly discarded, there are a bunch of stories here that get popular with the same idea. I can see this getting a decent viewership. Though, I don't suspect it to top the charts often. The first chapter would need to hook in readers more.

Conclusion​

Your writing needs a lot of work. You should strive to improve your prose by cutting out unnecessary words, cleaning the sentence structure, and fixing the tense errors. Most importantly, the first chapter needs a careful fix to actually hook readers into the story. Slow down the pacing a bit.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[MisterEnigmatic]

My Enigmatic Life

Hullo, there. My name is Daisuke Colen, born in England by two English parents. Why do I have a Japanese given name, you ask? It's a long story. Do you mind if I ask you a sort of.... odd question? No? Right. Suppose you were feeling homesick, so you decide...

www.scribblehub.com

I'm always curious about people's opinion; so cook me to your heart's content.

In thread is fine, thanks. I need more people to know of my works so that I can get some more one star reviews.