Editing Anybody want to judge my new sypnosis?

[ModernGold7ne]

Old

A universe inspired by those who destroyed themselves searched for something, anything that could stave off its boredom.
In its quest, it stumbled upon the domain of souls.
For its pursuits, it surveyed their memories.
For its own sake, it gave one an opportunity.
#######
Join Andrew as he ignores the absurdities thrown his way as he tries his best to survive in a fundamentally different world, forced into a form that wasn’t his.
Just how long can an old man last in a fundamentally different world?
He who was turned into a she, will avoid, fight, lie, and trick in order to not die again, all while meeting and befriending strangers along the way.
.*If this was a Japanese novel, it would have been called; Trying to survive as a fairy in another world.
stave off its boredom.
In its quest, it stumbled upon the domain of souls.
For its pursuits, it surveyed their memories.

New

Anima Aliena

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all. Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different...

www.scribblehub.com

Edit: Click to view the full blurb, didn't realize it wouldn't show everything.

 

[Dieter]

You can't light a starless sky; you can light a garden or field of exotic flowers/flora however.
Clouds can't emit light, a moon partially or completely hidden behind an expanse of clouds can.
Other than that, you can also try using the word: reincarnator or otherworlder; and the phrase 'a women once a man'.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

"A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all."

Well, I can't see the purpose of this part, so I think you can remove this.

"Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different from what he considered his own.

This is the new life of Andrew, he who was reborn as an it; a creature perceived as female despite being anything but.

Would you truly be you if you woke up as something different?

How quickly would you adapt?

What would you do to ensure you survived?

Well, there’s nothing more important to him than keeping on living."

No major problems here (I think), though I read before that synopses are usually written in present tense.

Questions that should be answered by the synopsis:

1) What is the story all about? (You answered it)
2) Who is the MC? (You answered it as well)
3) What will your readers expect? (This is also answered already)

 

[ModernGold7ne]

You can't light a starless sky; you can light a garden or field of exotic flowers/flora however.
Clouds can't emit light, a moon partially or completely hidden behind an expanse of clouds can.
Other than that, you can also try using the word: reincarnator or otherworlder; and the phrase 'a women once a man'.

It's a high fantasy that takes place in a different universe; In the story it can happen.

"A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all."

That is a description of the world meant to set expectations for the readers, to let them know that the world is unconventional.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

That is a description of the world meant to set expectations for the readers, to let them know that the world is unconventional.

I see...well, it can work, if that's your goal. The downside is, your synopsis will be longer, though it's your call, anyway. It's not bad to put it up or not.

 

[Anon2024]

Pretentious is the word I’d use to describe you synopsis.

Can be a good or bad thing but it turns me off.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

Pretentious is the word I’d use to describe you synopsis.

Can be a good or bad thing but it turns me off.

I write for my own entertainment, so, okay.
It's also accurate.

 

[Mortrexo]

Pretentious is the word I’d use to describe you synopsis.

Can be a good or bad thing but it turns me off.

I agree. You have to remember that a synopsis is written to attract readers. You use too much flowery syntaxis. I would make it simpler since many readers in ScribbleHub are not native English readers, and sometimes people forget this. Being able to deliver wonder with simpler words is much more attractive than using "advanced" English to do the same.

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all.
This one is good.

Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different from what he considered his own.
The man met an entity he was too stupid to believe or comprehend. This being tampered with his soul in ways he couldn't comprehend, and the next thing he knew, he woke up in a tiny body he found unfamiliar.

This is the new life of Andrew, he who was reborn as an it; a creature perceived as female despite being anything but.
Reborn as a creature that was perceived as a female yet as a creature that hid its true nature from the world. This was the beginning of Andrew's new life.

Maybe something like that? I find it more attractive to the general public. What do you think?

 

[ModernGold7ne]

I agree. You have to remember that a synopsis is written to attract readers. You use too much flowery syntaxis. I would make it simpler since many readers in ScribbleHub are not native English readers, and sometimes people forget this. Being able to deliver wonder with simpler words is much more attractive than using "advanced" English to do the same.

A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all.
This one is good.

Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different from what he considered his own.
The man met an entity he was too stupid to believe or comprehend. This being tampered with his soul in ways he couldn't comprehend, and the next thing he knew, he woke up in a tiny body he found unfamiliar.

This is the new life of Andrew, he who was reborn as an it; a creature perceived as female despite being anything but.
Reborn as a creature that was perceived as a female yet as a creature that hid its true nature from the world. This was the beginning of Andrew's new life.

Maybe something like that? I find it more attractive to the general public. What do you think?

For my blurb, I used simple common words to accurately portray the world of my book, my prose is just my writing style.

Everything in the blurb is literal, it's not an idiom, metaphor, simile or anything like that.

The point of it was to make prospective readers know what to expect.

Allow me to break it down.


'A starless sky lit by clouds, plants of every colour, and a once dead old man astounded by it all'

That was written to let prospective readers know that the world is unconventional.

'Meeting an entity that he was too stupid to believe or comprehend, having his very soul tampered with, then waking up in a relatively tiny body that was very different from what he considered his own.'

This is a brief summary of chapter one, it helps set the tone.

'This is the new life of Andrew, he who was reborn as an it; a creature perceived as female despite being anything but.'

That was an introduction to the protagonist, meant to make readers wonder, 'What is he?'

Your rearrangement, while loyal to modern english, changes the context and tone, as well as hampers the flow.

For example, you said the protagonist hides their nature, if I had wrote that, I would have given my readers false expectations.

Also, people aren't all as stupid as you think, nor do they want to be treated as such.

 

[Mortrexo]

Also, people aren't all as stupid as you think, nor do they want to be treated as such.

I didn't say this anywhere in my answer, so don't get me out of context. My meaning was that people who don't have a high understanding of English might have to reread those sentences to understand them, so separating the ideas and making them flow easier might aid the fluidity while they read. Of course, I wouldn't know what your novel is about, and that invented summary will be wrong. I was just giving an example of something that reads easy. However, you do you; I was just giving some advice based on what you gave me.

 

[ModernGold7ne]

I didn't say this anywhere in my answer, so don't get me out of context. My meaning was that people who don't have a high understanding of English might have to reread those sentences to understand them, so separating the ideas and making them flow easier might aid the fluidity while they read. Of course, I wouldn't know what your novel is about, and that invented summary will be wrong. I was just giving an example of something that reads easy. However, you do you; I was just giving some advice based on what you gave me.

You're overthinking, never said you said anything, but thanks for taking the time to give feedback.