The Fat Elf's Review Emporium

[FatElf]

Heya buns.

The emporium is open (mostly on Fridays)! This is how we do it:
Send me a link of your story, I'll read the first chapter (not the prologue). I'll point out things I liked, things I didn't, and what I think can be improved.

Cheers.

 

[fluffypie374]

Let the arrows fly, may thy arrow aim true into the heart of the story Eternity Starts From His Seed

 

[FatElf]

Let the arrows fly, may thy arrow aim true into the heart of the story Eternity Starts From His Seed

First chapter (marked as prologue)

Starts uninteresting. The description of a sect in a xianxia story is not captivating enough. Then, it talks about the region and the boy and immediately sends me into a “flashback.” I stopped here and went to chapter two.

Flashback is not really a problem, but the problem is how you use it. I don’t know the character. I’m not invested in the world. Nothing is happening aside from you giving information about the world, and flashback means “it is the past, and the past cannot change.”

My advice for this is to cut off the first chapter. Starts with your character doing something instead of describing the sect and background. This information can be presented in scenes in more exciting ways.


Chapter two:

More info dumping. I’m told here the MC had to pay to be escorted, I’m told he dressed as a beggar to escape, I’m told the forest is dangerous.

I wanted to see the MC bartering for passage and the trip to Ling City. You could have shown how cultivators ignored him because he played the beggar instead of telling it. This chapter also doesn’t move forward too much. He’s in the inn, looks out of the window, cultivates a bit, and decides to cook rice.

My suggestion: Don’t be afraid of showing things. The “muttering protagonist” is a bad trope, I think. The MC talking to himself to bring exposition to the reader is so overdone that it is immediately a turn-off.

If you need the readers to know cultivators and bandits ignore beggars, put a scene where they ignore beggars instead of telling it happens. I also think the MC needs to “do” stuff, if that makes sense. There was no tension, problem, or compelling reason that I’d want to keep reading. MC is waiting until the “seed” germinates to use what he assumes is a cheat.


One last detail is the use of “as” to say things happen at the same time. I’d say to read this blog post about it. It makes things a lot better to read.


Thank you for your patronage!

 

[fluffypie374]

The elf's aim is as accurate as in the rumors~ Thank you for your words of wisdom. Hope you enjoy your hunt~

 

[Jaymi]

Thanks elf =3 -- 'Get Laid or Get Lost'

 

[Sylver]

Alright I'll bite. Only the first chapter? Why not.

Chapter 1: KuliKuli

 

[FatElf]

Thanks elf =3 -- 'Get Laid or Get Lost'

The style is nice, and the events were interesting. The dialogue felt natural as well. Overall it was interesting to read.



The whole intro part could have been done in a convo with Allen.

Imagine this, they are walking toward the mixer, and the MC (I don’t know the name yet?) is doing his low self-esteem, insecure act, while Allan is his exuberant self. You could have hinted at everything you told in the first part of the conversation. The way I see it, the first part ends with them entering the mixer and seeing the girls. The next part is with a shy boy gaping and stuttering at the naked girl in front of him.


Points that can be improved:

You are telling their emotions. Here are a few examples:

I ventured, my voice trembling with uncertainty.
In this one, you can remove the uncertainty and let the reader decide what the trembling means.

But Ann’s eyes shimmered with an undeniable hunger.
But Ann’s eyes smoldered; she looked and gave me a slow once-over, biting her lips.

Weak verbs:
Watch out for things like: she was taking matters into her own hands
I think it reads better like this: she took matters into her own hands

Filler words:
she stepped forward and began to peel away my clothes
she stepped forward and peeled/removed away my clothes

The began to doesn’t add anything, same with start to, beginning to, better use an active verb.


Repetition:
There is a bit of repetition. In the text, mainly at the end.
You wrote two similar sentences, saying the guy had never experienced the sensation before.

Cliché:
Shivers down my spine, is used two times, very closer to each other, and is a common, I’d say, cliché expression. It does the job, but could be else.

Logistic issues:
She’s kissing the guy’s neck and, at the same time, whispering into his ears. I couldn’t see it without some impressive contortion that broke me away from the narrative.


Simultaneity:
Same I said in the review above, check out this blog post.


Thank you for your patronage!



Edit: During my copy past, I cut off the first line.

 

[Jaymi]

The style is nice, and the events were interesting. The dialogue felt natural as well. Overall it was interesting to read.



The whole intro part could have been done in a convo with Allen.

Imagine this, they are walking toward the mixer, and the MC (I don’t know the name yet?) is doing his low self-esteem, insecure act, while Allan is his exuberant self. You could have hinted at everything you told in the first part of the conversation. The way I see it, the first part ends with them entering the mixer and seeing the girls. The next part is with a shy boy gaping and stuttering at the naked girl in front of him.


Points can be improved:

You are telling their emotions. Here are a few examples:

I ventured, my voice trembling with uncertainty.
In this one, you can remove the uncertainty and let the reader decide what the trembling means.

But Ann’s eyes shimmered with an undeniable hunger.
But Ann’s eyes smoldered; she looked and gave me a slow once-over, biting her lips.

Weak verbs:
Watch out for things like: she was taking matters into her own hands
I think it reads better like this: she took matters into her own hands

Filler words:
she stepped forward and began to peel away my clothes
she stepped forward and peeled/removed away my clothes

The began to doesn’t add anything, same with start to, beginning to, better use an active verb.


Repetition:
There is a bit of repetition. In the text, mainly at the end.
You wrote two similar sentences, saying the guy had never experienced the sensation before.

Cliché:
Shivers down my spine, is used two times, very closer to each other, and is a common, I’d say, cliché expression. It does the job, but could be else.

Logistic issues:
She’s kissing the guy’s neck and, at the same time, whispering into his ears. I couldn’t see it without some impressive contortion that broke me away from the narrative.


Simultaneity:
Same I said in the review above, check out this blog post.


Thank you for your patronage!



Edit: During my copy past, I cut off the first line.

this was really helpful, thanks! I agree with the filler words/ weak verbs and it being a bit cliché. I feel like writing smut is really different from writing a 'normal' story, so i have a hard time deciding which words to use and there aren't many good, less cliché expressions for smut that i know of yet.
Thanks again!

 

[FatElf]

Alright I'll bite. Only the first chapter? Why not.

Chapter 1: KuliKuli

This one starts interesting. The imagery is vivid, and the descriptions are excellent.


Things I think can be improved:

Long sentences:
Many sentences in the first chapter are long, too long.

He was not properly dressed to brace the dangers of such a storm, for he made do with a shroud of heavy blankets wrapped around him and kept sealed in with a chain link of a brown cloak, his employer’s property, so that he wouldn’t freeze as soon as he stepped outside.

That is 52 words in a single sentence. Writing apps suggest you don’t exceed 31 words per sentence unless you do it intentionally.

Use of words such as:
storm, for he made do
property, so that he

These are the main culprits in making those sentence long. Here is a suggestion, break it into smaller sentences. It needs to be reworded to sounds right after breaking the sentence into smaller chunks.

He was not properly dressed to brace the dangers of such a storm. He made do with a shroud of heavy blankets wrapped around him, sealed with a chain link of a brown cloak. The cloak belonged to his employer, borrowed to avoid freezing as soon as he stepped outside.

Passive voice/ weak verb.
A slave would be given a shelter to sleep under, they would know what was expected of them (…)

Clunky sentences:
This one, for example:
A slave would be given a shelter to sleep under, they would know what was expected of them daily and doing a good job would sometimes grant you a day lacking any unpleasant reactions from the owner.

Can’t pinpoint why this is clunky, only that I think it needs a rewrite to be more explicit in the message it wants to convey.

A slave would have shelter to sleep under. A slave would know his obligations. A slave might even earn a day without punishment if he did well.


Adverbs:
Your text uses a lot of adverbs. You can spot them by the words ending in "ly".
Using a lot of adverts makes your prose weaker instead of stronger. You can cut them off most of the time, and the sentence reads better.

Here is your original and two examples:

Original: He sighed heavily, sinking down to his knees and resigning himself to the calamity before him.

Cut it off: He sighed, sinking to his knees and resigning himself to the calamity before him.

Change to more descriptive action: He sighed, air spilling from his mouth in turbid breaths. He sank to his knees and resigned himself to the calamity before him. (horrible description, but just a suggestion)


Simultaneity:
Same I said in the review above, check out this blog post.


Thanks for your patronage!

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Here is my completed story. I believe I've polished it, but feel free to let me know if you do find anything that could be improved.

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[FatElf]

Here is my completed story. I believe I've polished it, but feel free to let me know if you do find anything that could be improved.

Feelings and Fondness

In the mid-2000s, eleven-year-old Robin Brush lives in the commuter belt village of Stanstead Abbotts in Hertfordshire, England. He suffers constantly from being bullied, ridiculed, or misunderstood by almost everyone. Forced to live an isolated life as an outcast, he doesn't even have any...

www.scribblehub.com

Oh boy, this was a big one.
I couldn’t finish it because it’s already 1am and I ran out of time. But the story seems interesting, even if it is not my novel type. Gonna put it on my to-read list.




Opening paragraph:

The first two sentences were long and complex. I had to “listen” (I use a read-out-loud app) several times to understand what was happening there. The scenery is lovely, and the descriptions are good. But it didn’t catch my attention. Not to say it is bad. My preferred genre of literature (currently) is mostly fantasy or sci-fi. The intro paints a good picture of what the story is, drama, and slice of life.



Here is how I’d have phrased them:



Rays of evening late-June sunshine warmed the air. Newly sprouted green leaves on dozens of tall trees fluttered and rustled in a gentle breeze at St. Margarets station. Under the shade of the white wooden canopy of the building on the first platform, a lean eleven-year-old boy sat alone on a blue metal bench. He clutched the chocolate and cornet remains of a strawberry ice cream in his right hand.



I removed the “as” and swapped commas for dots. Removed the adverb (softly) because you already use gentle.



Big throw-off for me: Immediately in the second paragraph, you go into a flashback. If this was a story I had started reading by myself, I’d probably stop here. Flashbacks at the start are a massive throw-off for me.


Here is what DWIGHT V. SWAIN says about story opening and flashbacks:

(1) Flashback.

Flashback is someone remembering in the present what happened in the past. There’s one key point to remember where flashback is concerned:

Don’t open with it!

In the early stages of a story, you see, interest often is a fragile and tenuous thing. Though your reader is in search of entertainment, he’s by no means sure that he’ll find precisely what he wants in your particular story.

Bore him with flashback, past history, even briefly, and likely as not he’ll turn to someone else’s yarn.

Once his interest is aroused, however, it’s entirely possible that he’ll ache to acquire the self-same data he’d have spurned a page or two or three before.

So, do try to open on a striking, self-explanatory scene. Hold the flashback for later, after the end of the beginning (a subject with which we’ll deal shortly), when the story question is established and Reader firmly hooked. If a girl’s going to slap a boy’s face, and he in his turn then will knock her down, let me see the bit first, before you explain the background of their quarrel. Believe me, the delay will make me an infinitely better listener!

Here is what Les Edgerton says in his book:

When you read stories and novels, you are reading writing textbooks. Begin to look at fiction that way, and your writing will begin to improve by gargantuan leaps. When you read a novel you like, pay close attention to how the author began the story. If she began with backstory, was it delivered as a passive chunk of the character’s history, or was it incorporated seamlessly into the present of a scene? Chances are, if you enjoyed the book, the writer did the latter.

Passive Backstory vs. Active Backstory

When the story material calls for at least some backstory, the proper way to include it is to introduce at least some of it during the inciting incident by weaving it in with the present action of the scene instead of placing it in a flashback.

Adverbs:

There are a lot of them in your chapter.

Softly, slightly, slightly, really, constantly, Constantly, sharply, softly, oddly, hurriedly…

The list goes on.



Awkward transition:

You leave the flashback and return to the preset in a sudden shift.

In one paragraph, the teacher is badgering the kid; in the next, he’s contending with wasps and running away from the platform.



Filler words:

Finally(adverb), the sound of the level crossing siren began to blare,

Can remove the began to, using the active version of the verb. (…) of the level crossing siren blared (…)


Simultaneity:
Same I said in the review above, check out this blog post.


Here is a tool that might be interesting to check: Hemingway Editor It list complex sentences, passive voice, adverbs.


Thank you for your patronage!



Emporium is now closed! You can still submit your story, but I might not check it out into later in the week. Thanks!

 

[AdOtherwise]

Heya buns.

The emporium is open (mostly on Fridays)! This is how we do it:
Send me a link of your story, I'll read the first chapter (not the prologue). I'll point out things I liked, things I didn't, and what I think can be improved.

Cheers.

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[harrydouthwaite]

I appreciate your insight. This beginning part has changed quite a bit since I first wrote it, but after I received another critique a day ago about the first chapter, I had an idea of how to evolve the first couple of chapters so they will flow better, and hopefully provide more insight without resorting to info-dumping, or flashbacks at least until the story is underway.

 

[ReadyGoLove]

I would appreciate the feedback when you get the chance! Here is my story:

Starless Flower

If you could fundamentally understand people and the meaning behind their words, how would that change you? As a child, Marou Miyashita had a unique ability—he could see deep into people's souls. By focusing his gaze onto the stars that seemingly filled people's eyes, he would be able to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[John_Owl]

I'll toss my hat in the ring, when you're able to get to it. Link is in my bio. Lay the Dragon v2. It's marked as smut but not to worry - the first 5 chapters are sfw.

 

[FatElf]

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

I like the introduction overall, even if I don’t know much yet about what can happen. A shift mentor to teach stuff, a amnesiac naive boy, and a evil tree trying to corrupt the boy. Has the grounds for a good story.

Oke, things I picked up while listening to your chapter.

Passive voice:
...with gray hair was whistling an off-key tune…

I think it reads better like this: An old man with gray hair whistled an off-key tune.

Redundancy (and adverb):
He actively pushed a wheelbarrow…

I find that adverb there strange because it’s an adverb, and how would he not push the wheelbarrow actively?

Here’s a suggestion regarding adverbs from DWIGHT V. SWAIN:

Adverbs? They modify verbs . . . describe the manner in which an act is performed: angrily, wearily, animatedly, gloomily, delightedly, smilingly. It does get a little tiresome, doesn’t it? Remedy: Wherever practical, substitute action for the adverb.

“Angrily, she turned on him”? Or, “Her face stiffened, and her hands clenched to small, white-knuckled fists”?
“Wearily, he sat down”? Or, “With a heavy sigh, he slumped into the chair and let his head loll back, eyes closed”?

Vividness outranks brevity. At least, sometimes.

Then another one here about adverbs placement:

Improper placement of adverbs grows from a failure to understand placement’s effect on impact, probably. To get maximum effect, put adverbs at the beginning or end of the sentence: “Angrily, he walked away.” Or, “He walked away angrily.”

Though special cases may justify “He walked angrily away,” or the like, most often the effect of the modifier upon the reader is lost.

Fragmentation: Don’t exactly know how to name this, but you’re using one sentence, one paragraph. It makes reading your text harder.


Recently, I find words or expressions such as: began to, caused the, causing, making, allowing, , revealing, couldn’t help but.
They are not bad, but I do think it reads better when the text doesn’t use them too much.

Narrator:
Third person omniscient is not bad, but it is impartial. Hard to get attached to a character when you are head-hopping between paragraphs.

Telling/summary:
I’ll point out here a part where I think it would have been nice to see.

After reassuring the boy and using logic, the old geezer told the child he was but a simple gravedigger. As a result, the boy calmed down. This gave the man a chance to introduce himself

How the old man talks? What argument he used? What was the logic presented? How did the boy react? That would have given me a lot of context and information about the characters being introduced.

Also, telling emotions instead of showing them. There another example:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, confused, holding his head in panic.

You’re telling two emotions here, when you could have described them:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, excessive swallowing. He looked around at each and every small sound, hands clutching at his hair. (again, these could be better description, this is just an example).

Check out this website, it helps a lot: https://onestopforwriters.com/emotions

Repetition:
His mind was completely blank, he didn't know who he was or where he was from. His mind reeled, struggling to grasp his predicament.

Illogical reasoning:
This might be a personal nitpick, but here:

Cain spoke with joy, he strangely liked his new name. It wasn't like he had a choice to refuse Feick, he would die without this man's help. 'At least this grandpa is nice!' With the current situation, Cain's instincts forced him to act cheery, whether he knew it or not. This was an unknown land and he had no idea who he was, memories were something he didn't have and he only had a vague understanding of some things like eating.

Thankfully Feick was kind and the two just so happened to speak the same language, otherwise, Cain would be long dead. He was like a newborn child, a baby bird not ready to fly

The issue here is that a few lines before, he was panicking, but now he’s happy. Also, why would he be long dead? He just arrived? There’s no immediate danger in the area. If he phrased that like a chance of it happening, it wouldn’t sound so strange.

Thank you for your patronage!


----------

I would appreciate the feedback when you get the chance! Here is my story:

Starless Flower

If you could fundamentally understand people and the meaning behind their words, how would that change you? As a child, Marou Miyashita had a unique ability—he could see deep into people's souls. By focusing his gaze onto the stars that seemingly filled people's eyes, he would be able to...

www.scribblehub.com

To start, I liked the introduction.

There’s a bit of confusion in the first lines because it seems the MC could see into people’s souls from the start, yet he mentions textbooks. Hadn’t he ever seen any other eye before? What about family, or just a random person?

The dialogue I enjoyed. I had a few good chuckles at the rusted hinges comment. I’m copying that one someday. Not ashamed to say it. The prose was also lovely to read, and the story flowed nicely. Nice job.

Aside from adverbs and repetition, I don’t have much to say about what can be improved. You use them a lot. You could remove most of the adverbs, and the reading experience would be much better. There are a few instances of repetition, but those might have been intentional.

As an experiment, copy your text and place it on this website: https://hemingwayapp.com/

I can’t say why the low number of readers aside from maybe this story is on the wrong platform. SH usually tends to fantasy, action, smut, xianxia, and so on. Your story is a well-written slice of life, and I could see it being published as a light novel; it felt like reading one.




Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your patronage!

 

[AdOtherwise]

I like the introduction overall, even if I don’t know much yet about what can happen. A shift mentor to teach stuff, a amnesiac naive boy, and a evil tree trying to corrupt the boy. Has the grounds for a good story.

Oke, things I picked up while listening to your chapter.

Passive voice:
...with gray hair was whistling an off-key tune…

I think it reads better like this: An old man with gray hair whistled an off-key tune.

Redundancy (and adverb):
He actively pushed a wheelbarrow…

I find that adverb there strange because it’s an adverb, and how would he not push the wheelbarrow actively?

Here’s a suggestion regarding adverbs from DWIGHT V. SWAIN:

Then another one here about adverbs placement:


Fragmentation: Don’t exactly know how to name this, but you’re using one sentence, one paragraph. It makes reading your text harder.


Recently, I find words or expressions such as: began to, caused the, causing, making, allowing, , revealing, couldn’t help but.
They are not bad, but I do think it reads better when the text doesn’t use them too much.

Narrator:
Third person omniscient is not bad, but it is impartial. Hard to get attached to a character when you are head-hopping between paragraphs.

Telling/summary:
I’ll point out here a part where I think it would have been nice to see.

After reassuring the boy and using logic, the old geezer told the child he was but a simple gravedigger. As a result, the boy calmed down. This gave the man a chance to introduce himself

How the old man talks? What argument he used? What was the logic presented? How did the boy react? That would have given me a lot of context and information about the characters being introduced.

Also, telling emotions instead of showing them. There another example:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, confused, holding his head in panic.

You’re telling two emotions here, when you could have described them:
"I... I... don't know," the boy said, excessive swallowing. He looked around at each and every small sound, hands clutching at his hair. (again, these could be better description, this is just an example).

Check out this website, it helps a lot: https://onestopforwriters.com/emotions

Repetition:
His mind was completely blank, he didn't know who he was or where he was from. His mind reeled, struggling to grasp his predicament.

Illogical reasoning:
This might be a personal nitpick, but here:

Cain spoke with joy, he strangely liked his new name. It wasn't like he had a choice to refuse Feick, he would die without this man's help. 'At least this grandpa is nice!' With the current situation, Cain's instincts forced him to act cheery, whether he knew it or not. This was an unknown land and he had no idea who he was, memories were something he didn't have and he only had a vague understanding of some things like eating.

Thankfully Feick was kind and the two just so happened to speak the same language, otherwise, Cain would be long dead. He was like a newborn child, a baby bird not ready to fly

The issue here is that a few lines before, he was panicking, but now he’s happy. Also, why would he be long dead? He just arrived? There’s no immediate danger in the area. If he phrased that like a chance of it happening, it wouldn’t sound so strange.

Thank you for your patronage!


----------



To start, I liked the introduction.

There’s a bit of confusion in the first lines because it seems the MC could see into people’s souls from the start, yet he mentions textbooks. Hadn’t he ever seen any other eye before? What about family, or just a random person?

The dialogue I enjoyed. I had a few good chuckles at the rusted hinges comment. I’m copying that one someday. Not ashamed to say it. The prose was also lovely to read, and the story flowed nicely. Nice job.

Aside from adverbs and repetition, I don’t have much to say about what can be improved. You use them a lot. You could remove most of the adverbs, and the reading experience would be much better. There are a few instances of repetition, but those might have been intentional.

As an experiment, copy your text and place it on this website: https://hemingwayapp.com/

I can’t say why the low number of readers aside from maybe this story is on the wrong platform. SH usually tends to fantasy, action, smut, xianxia, and so on. Your story is a well-written slice of life, and I could see it being published as a light novel; it felt like reading one.




Thank you for sharing, and thank you for your patronage!

Thanks' a bunch for the feedback, even though I revise again and again I always miss stuff or have something to improve upon. The feedback was much appreciated.

Also for the fragmentation, I've gotten that feedback before but I never seem to fix it, I think it might just be part of my writing style. Is that good or bad?

 

[FatElf]

I'll toss my hat in the ring, when you're able to get to it. Link is in my bio. Lay the Dragon v2. It's marked as smut but not to worry - the first 5 chapters are sfw.

The story starts nice. Arlan reads like a young kid in the start, however, what with chasing butterflies. (I read a bit more, and yes, he’s just a small kid :D)

Here is a few things I picked up:
Using “as” to say things happen at the same time. I’d say to read this blog post about it. It makes things a so much better to read when it is not used.

Thinking the reader can’t figure out things:
Arland opened his mouth to reply, his nerves again getting the better of him. “N-n-n-n-n-no, M-mma’am,” He stuttered through the terror.

This is one example, the “to reply” there is just a bit insulting, because it reads like you don’t think I can understand he tried to talk. You need to tell me he tried to talk, even after showing it.

Another point I think can be improved is removing expressions like this:
When Arland didn’t show any change to his demeanor, the dragon withdrew, “My dear, I mean to say that you’re safe. Please, relax.”
At this, he took a deep breath and looked up at her, “O-okay... I-if you do hurt me, my daddy will have the knights of the kingdom hunt you down...”

(just an example, they are not good, but I’m trying to show how I think it reads better.)
Arlan still pressed against the wall in a vain attempt to hide from the dragon, despite the creature’s attempts to calm him down.
The beast withdrew further into its lair. “My dear, I mean to say that you’re safe. Please, relax.”
The boy took a deep breath and looked up at the dragon (how does he know it is a she?) “O-okay... I-if you do hurt me, my daddy will have the knights of the kingdom hunt you down…”


Out of character speech:
“I don’t know... I don’t get to have much input about things like that. Mommy and Daddy are always deciding that.”

This doesn’t seem like something a young boy would be aware of, or maybe he wouldn’t use these words to say it is not up to him.

Is the dragon a she or a he? Also, you address the dragon as it, maybe stick to she/her when the narrator is describing stuff. I understand the humans using it, but the narrator too is strange.

The dragon moved to his feet and licked his skinned knees and elbows...
The sentence above reads that the dragon got to his feet, then licked his own skinned knees and elbows.
The dragon got up. She licked the boy’s skinned knees and elbows.

A last point about this: I’m having trouble imagining the scene. How small is the boy and how big is the dragon?

Sequence of events:
The sequence of events in chapter one felt disconnected.


The boy fell, met the dragon, was super afraid.
After a few words, he peacefully slept with the dragon.
The boy’s father shows up, they argue (loudly I’m assuming), then the man trust the dragon enough to approach and pick up the kid.
The kid wakes up and immediately behaves like the father wanted to attack the dragon, but there was no indication of that at any point.
Then, a few moments later the father says they can’t trust a dragon, but it bowing and thanking the said dragon for saving his kid.

Plot hole:
You don’t say the father visit the cave any other time, but the dragon treats the father as an old friend, and talks like he also visited.

Overall:
While reading, I felt the events were too much on the “this can’t happen” side of things. I don’t know; even for a fantasy world in which you hinted dragons are hunted, tamed, or killed, an old Jaded dragon simply taking pity on humans and befriending them for no reason felt forced.

Thank you for your patronage!


--------

Thanks' a bunch for the feedback, even though I revise again and again I always miss stuff or have something to improve upon. The feedback was much appreciated.

Also for the fragmentation, I've gotten that feedback before but I never seem to fix it, I think it might just be part of my writing style. Is that good or bad?

I remember from my school days about sentences talking about the same thing should go together in the same paragraph. When you change topics, you create a new paragraph. <<< Very poor way of explaining things, I know.

I don't mind it too much, but I've seen ppl that can't read when the text is like that.


----

The emporium is now closed again! :D

 

[AdOtherwise]

The story starts nice. Arlan reads like a young kid in the start, however, what with chasing butterflies. (I read a bit more, and yes, he’s just a small kid :D)

Here is a few things I picked up:
Using “as” to say things happen at the same time. I’d say to read this blog post about it. It makes things a so much better to read when it is not used.

Thinking the reader can’t figure out things:
Arland opened his mouth to reply, his nerves again getting the better of him. “N-n-n-n-n-no, M-mma’am,” He stuttered through the terror.

This is one example, the “to reply” there is just a bit insulting, because it reads like you don’t think I can understand he tried to talk. You need to tell me he tried to talk, even after showing it.

Another point I think can be improved is removing expressions like this:
When Arland didn’t show any change to his demeanor, the dragon withdrew, “My dear, I mean to say that you’re safe. Please, relax.”
At this, he took a deep breath and looked up at her, “O-okay... I-if you do hurt me, my daddy will have the knights of the kingdom hunt you down...”

(just an example, they are not good, but I’m trying to show how I think it reads better.)
Arlan still pressed against the wall in a vain attempt to hide from the dragon, despite the creature’s attempts to calm him down.
The beast withdrew further into its lair. “My dear, I mean to say that you’re safe. Please, relax.”
The boy took a deep breath and looked up at the dragon (how does he know it is a she?) “O-okay... I-if you do hurt me, my daddy will have the knights of the kingdom hunt you down…”


Out of character speech:
“I don’t know... I don’t get to have much input about things like that. Mommy and Daddy are always deciding that.”

This doesn’t seem like something a young boy would be aware of, or maybe he wouldn’t use these words to say it is not up to him.

Is the dragon a she or a he? Also, you address the dragon as it, maybe stick to she/her when the narrator is describing stuff. I understand the humans using it, but the narrator too is strange.

The dragon moved to his feet and licked his skinned knees and elbows...
The sentence above reads that the dragon got to his feet, then licked his own skinned knees and elbows.
The dragon got up. She licked the boy’s skinned knees and elbows.

A last point about this: I’m having trouble imagining the scene. How small is the boy and how big is the dragon?
View attachment 25844


Sequence of events:
The sequence of events in chapter one felt disconnected.


The boy fell, met the dragon, was super afraid.
After a few words, he peacefully slept with the dragon.
The boy’s father shows up, they argue (loudly I’m assuming), then the man trust the dragon enough to approach and pick up the kid.
The kid wakes up and immediately behaves like the father wanted to attack the dragon, but there was no indication of that at any point.
Then, a few moments later the father says they can’t trust a dragon, but it bowing and thanking the said dragon for saving his kid.

Plot hole:
You don’t say the father visit the cave any other time, but the dragon treats the father as an old friend, and talks like he also visited.

Overall:
While reading, I felt the events were too much on the “this can’t happen” side of things. I don’t know; even for a fantasy world in which you hinted dragons are hunted, tamed, or killed, an old Jaded dragon simply taking pity on humans and befriending them for no reason felt forced.

Thank you for your patronage!


--------


I remember from my school days about sentences talking about the same thing should go together in the same paragraph. When you change topics, you create a new paragraph. <<< Very poor way of explaining things, I know.

I don't mind it too much, but I've seen ppl that can't read when the text is like that.


----

The emporium is now closed again! :D

Makes sense, I just write like that because I don't want my paragraphs being too long, I'll try to figure something out. Thank you again for the help

 

[LuoirM]

Holy fuck that's one fat elf.

Anyways.