Writing Writing: I need help, serious help with the prologue of my novel.

[RedHunter2296]

Hello everyone,

This time I come to ask for help because I have a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time and I want to fix it, but the problem is that no matter what I try, I just don't know how to fix it.

Valkyria Squadron

My novel currently has 260 chapters, it's quite long, it has had its small number of readers but also feedback, where a pattern is common in all, most readers like my story, as well as its narrative complexity and especially its characters. But everyone agrees that the beginning, exactly the first 20 chapters, are too heavy and confusing, and they drive potential new readers away. Only those who survive the first 20 chapters are most likely to try to continue the story, but most of them leave before that.

So faced with such a problem, I want to correct those first 20 chapters and leave the 21st untouched so as not to have to rewrite the entire novel.

The problem is that I don't know how to do it!

Obviously, the first chapters are the most important and they have to establish the general tone of the rest of the work, and I just don't know how to do that any other way.


The critical points that must be written are as follows; they have to be there for the whole novel to function properly.

1-In Europe, there is a continental war. Two factions are at odds: the Alliance (NATO and Russia) and the Empire (Axis 2.0).

2-The protagonist is a soldier of the Alliance, a Pilot, already a veteran of another mysterious war, and is deeply depressed about having to participate in a second full-scale war. He is in the war to save his sister, who needs medical treatment.

3-It is discovered that the protagonist already knew that angels exist, and they respect him for some reason.

4-The protagonist finds the body of an old acquaintance, an albino fox girl who helped him in the previous war. He unexpectedly encounters her on this mission.

5-The protagonist dies trying to retrieve the fox girl's body from the war zone, but the angels revive him, using the fox girl's body because it was the most intact one nearby.

6-Somehow, the protagonist encounters another fox girl, Tamamo-no-Mae, an evil moon goddess who was sealed in a stone for over a thousand years. Somehow, she falls in love with the protagonist and decides to live with him.

7-Both arrive in Japan, where the protagonist's sister is receiving medical treatment, and Chapter 21 begins.


8- Clues are given that the previous war, called the War against the Dragons, almost destroyed the world, and the protagonist managed to save it purely by luck at the last second; he himself doesn't believe he survived it in the first place. However, nobody seems to remember these events (only the protagonist and the angels) because it is something that will be explained what happened and why it was forgotten throughout the entire novel.


Now a bit of information about the characters according to the glossary I made, to give a better idea of their personalities.

The first of them is the protagonist, before he died, when he was a soldier.

Cesar the Soldier:

The idea during that moment is to portray him as a generic anyone; his appearance is never mentioned, his face always covered. It's known that he's depressed due to the desperation of the situation. There are hints that he's a victim of severe burns, especially on his face, from a plane accident, and since then, he's prohibited from piloting another. The accident is a mystery that will be revealed later on.

Elise the white fox girl:


After being revived, the protagonist becomes trapped in the body of the white fox girl. His behavior remains the same, although he is now a girl, he still considers himself a man.

The main problem for him is that the protagonist, to whom the original owner of the body belonged, was someone who saved him in the past war, a loved one. That girl is clearly dead and all that remains is her body, which for some reason is intact despite the passing years, only now white. So it is a painful reminder for the protagonist to look in the mirror and remember the girl he loved before.

In the past war, the war against the dragons, the girl sacrificed her life using magic to revive the protagonist so he could defeat the dragon leader. However, the protagonist does not know all the details of what exactly happened that day.

Tamamo-no-mae:

It was a kitsune that was created by Amaterasu, Evil Goddess of the moon, but a good person in reality

She in the past posed as a human and worked for Emperor Toba in the Heian period, but she was betrayed, persecuted, and murdered by him. She since then she hates humans. But ever since she met Elise she tries to get along with others. She is in love with Elise since she rescued her from a monster and despite being enemies she did everything possible to rescue her, even if she was not in danger. She thinks that maybe Elise is the only person who may not betray her.

Her attitude is quite friendly, silly, sympathetic and that of a loving mother to all. But in reality inside she is a cold and calculating master manipulator. But she doesn't do it with any bad intentions, that's the personality she was born with, so she acts the other way because that's how she really wants to be. Although in serious and important moments her true personality comes out if it means saving her family.

Her dream has always been to find someone who loves her and to establish a family, like the one she never had but dreamed of having when she saw humans from heaven.

It's not until she appears that the novel finally starts to shift to a much more comedic and cheerful tone, instead of drama and depression. It's with her that the protagonist begins to change and gradually starts to enjoy living again over time.

Clearly there are many more details, but I believe that is the most important thing to establish before Chapter 21, so if you have any idea, no matter how bad it may be, I want to hear it, because I really want to improve my novel but I no longer have any idea of what else to do with its beginning.

Thank you very much for listening to me

 

[Glitched]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm also rewriting my prologue and first few chapters because that's where I lose a lot of readers.

The one thing I'd say is to first zoom out and image you are the reader. Does it feel like a specific part is too long? Too short? Rewire first few chapters to flow smoother and either be faster or slower to get to the desired point. If that desired point is at chapter 20, then maybe cut out some details to get there faster. It's up to you in the end.

A big selling point in stories is how well they sell the idea of the story at the beginning without selling the idea of the story. Like foreshadowing, but not foreshadowing. Confusing right?

You have to show potential, what the readers can look forward to(be it writing style or content), without spoiling the story itself the process. Which is hard if I'm bring honest. Not to say you're doing that.

I feel that if readers are turning away, first thing to do is a writing style check(I.E grammar), and then maybe rewrite any parts that feel off. It could also be the tone shift(idk how sudden it is), but some people might lose drive to read after seeing it go from a heavy atmosphere to a lighter one. Or it may keep readers reading.

But overall, you will always lose the most readers early. They click your story, see good synopsis, read, and find out they don't like the writing style or story and move on. It's a normal thing. Especially since some people just read a bit, bookmark, and go to bed.

Good luck on your endeavors from a fellow rewriter, and have a good day mortal.

 

[RedHunter2296]

Hi, I just wanted to say that I'm also rewriting my prologue and first few chapters because that's where I lose a lot of readers.

The one thing I'd say is to first zoom out and image you are the reader. Does it feel like a specific part is too long? Too short? Rewire first few chapters to flow smoother and either be faster or slower to get to the desired point. If that desired point is at chapter 20, then maybe cut out some details to get there faster. It's up to you in the end.

A big selling point in stories is how well they sell the idea of the story at the beginning without selling the idea of the story. Like foreshadowing, but not foreshadowing. Confusing right?

You have to show potential, what the readers can look forward to(be it writing style or content), without spoiling the story itself the process. Which is hard if I'm bring honest. Not to say you're doing that.

I feel that if readers are turning away, first thing to do is a writing style check(I.E grammar), and then maybe rewrite any parts that feel off. It could also be the tone shift(idk how sudden it is), but some people might lose drive to read after seeing it go from a heavy atmosphere to a lighter one. Or it may keep readers reading.

But overall, you will always lose the most readers early. They click your story, see good synopsis, read, and find out they don't like the writing style or story and move on. It's a normal thing. Especially since some people just read a bit, bookmark, and go to bed.

Good luck on your endeavors from a fellow rewriter, and have a good day mortal.

Well, yeah, I know the beginning is where most readers get lost, that's always a given.

What stresses me out is that both the one who gave up and wrote a super long hate comment about my story, as well as the most loyal reader who's up to date with the 200 chapters and comments "thank you" on each one of them, both agree that the beginning is "rough," similar to Saving Private Ryan.

That many points are necessary for the story to work, well, yes, but I think it could be done a little better, maybe, that's what I want to try.

Anyway, thank you nonetheless

 

[ElijahRyne]

Hello everyone,

This time I come to ask for help because I have a problem that I have been struggling with for a long time and I want to fix it, but the problem is that no matter what I try, I just don't know how to fix it.

Valkyria Squadron

My novel currently has 260 chapters, it's quite long, it has had its small number of readers but also feedback, where a pattern is common in all, most readers like my story, as well as its narrative complexity and especially its characters. But everyone agrees that the beginning, exactly the first 20 chapters, are too heavy and confusing, and they drive potential new readers away. Only those who survive the first 20 chapters are most likely to try to continue the story, but most of them leave before that.

So faced with such a problem, I want to correct those first 20 chapters and leave the 21st untouched so as not to have to rewrite the entire novel.

The problem is that I don't know how to do it!

Obviously, the first chapters are the most important and they have to establish the general tone of the rest of the work, and I just don't know how to do that any other way.


The critical points that must be written are as follows; they have to be there for the whole novel to function properly.

1-In Europe, there is a continental war. Two factions are at odds: the Alliance (NATO and Russia) and the Empire (Axis 2.0).

2-The protagonist is a soldier of the Alliance, a Pilot, already a veteran of another mysterious war, and is deeply depressed about having to participate in a second full-scale war. He is in the war to save his sister, who needs medical treatment.

3-It is discovered that the protagonist already knew that angels exist, and they respect him for some reason.

4-The protagonist finds the body of an old acquaintance, an albino fox girl who helped him in the previous war. He unexpectedly encounters her on this mission.

5-The protagonist dies trying to retrieve the fox girl's body from the war zone, but the angels revive him, using the fox girl's body because it was the most intact one nearby.

6-Somehow, the protagonist encounters another fox girl, Tamamo-no-Mae, an evil moon goddess who was sealed in a stone for over a thousand years. Somehow, she falls in love with the protagonist and decides to live with him.

7-Both arrive in Japan, where the protagonist's sister is receiving medical treatment, and Chapter 21 begins.


8- Clues are given that the previous war, called the War against the Dragons, almost destroyed the world, and the protagonist managed to save it purely by luck at the last second; he himself doesn't believe he survived it in the first place. However, nobody seems to remember these events (only the protagonist and the angels) because it is something that will be explained what happened and why it was forgotten throughout the entire novel.


Now a bit of information about the characters according to the glossary I made, to give a better idea of their personalities.

The first of them is the protagonist, before he died, when he was a soldier.

Cesar the Soldier:

The idea during that moment is to portray him as a generic anyone; his appearance is never mentioned, his face always covered. It's known that he's depressed due to the desperation of the situation. There are hints that he's a victim of severe burns, especially on his face, from a plane accident, and since then, he's prohibited from piloting another. The accident is a mystery that will be revealed later on.

Elise the white fox girl:


After being revived, the protagonist becomes trapped in the body of the white fox girl. His behavior remains the same, although he is now a girl, he still considers himself a man.

The main problem for him is that the protagonist, to whom the original owner of the body belonged, was someone who saved him in the past war, a loved one. That girl is clearly dead and all that remains is her body, which for some reason is intact despite the passing years, only now white. So it is a painful reminder for the protagonist to look in the mirror and remember the girl he loved before.

In the past war, the war against the dragons, the girl sacrificed her life using magic to revive the protagonist so he could defeat the dragon leader. However, the protagonist does not know all the details of what exactly happened that day.

Tamamo-no-mae:

It was a kitsune that was created by Amaterasu, Evil Goddess of the moon, but a good person in reality

She in the past posed as a human and worked for Emperor Toba in the Heian period, but she was betrayed, persecuted, and murdered by him. She since then she hates humans. But ever since she met Elise she tries to get along with others. She is in love with Elise since she rescued her from a monster and despite being enemies she did everything possible to rescue her, even if she was not in danger. She thinks that maybe Elise is the only person who may not betray her.

Her attitude is quite friendly, silly, sympathetic and that of a loving mother to all. But in reality inside she is a cold and calculating master manipulator. But she doesn't do it with any bad intentions, that's the personality she was born with, so she acts the other way because that's how she really wants to be. Although in serious and important moments her true personality comes out if it means saving her family.

Her dream has always been to find someone who loves her and to establish a family, like the one she never had but dreamed of having when she saw humans from heaven.

It's not until she appears that the novel finally starts to shift to a much more comedic and cheerful tone, instead of drama and depression. It's with her that the protagonist begins to change and gradually starts to enjoy living again over time.

Clearly there are many more details, but I believe that is the most important thing to establish before Chapter 21, so if you have any idea, no matter how bad it may be, I want to hear it, because I really want to improve my novel but I no longer have any idea of what else to do with its beginning.

Thank you very much for listening to me

I reread your first chapter and it feels a bit clunky in my opinion. I remember trying to read this story a couple of months ago, during my lunch break, and frequently having to reread passages. Anyways here is how I would change it, although these changes are just suggestions feel free to ignore it. I will try to bold words, passages, etc. if I have changed them, and will use parentheses if I have a comment on the editing. And anything I feel should be deleted will be in between minus signs - -.

Spoiler: edited version of chapter 1

End and Beginning​

North Sea, USS Essex CVN-88​

7:00 am​

In the middle of a place as stressful as a ship that is on a desperate mission to battle, to the rescue and defense of a city, nervous soldiers, mechanics check-ing- planes and officers argue-ing-, pilots check-ing- their flight routes. There is -also- a silhouette that does not fit in at all. A woman in white, elegantly dressed, smiling, knowing-s- where to go because she seems to have been here many times before, but the strangest thing is that no one pays attention to her, as if she were a ghost.

She stops in front of one of the doors that give access to the barracks for the pilots and looks for someone, the only person who is in the room (You can end the sentence here.) -because- She made sure to have this moment alone with him.
"Good morning, Cesar," said the mysterious woman. "You better get ready right away, soon they will make a call for your team. We will need you there," she added as she closed the door she had just used. She spoke to the only other person in the room. (You have a habit of putting “” around every new sentence and starting a new line. This is distracting, at least to me, typically you only close the quotation marks after a person finishes speaking, or when you add a description of emotion/action. If that didn’t make sense it is because I am bad at explaining things, I will do my best to correct this going forward so you should see the difference if you compare it to the original if I was unclear here.)
"Stella!" the man replied.

He was someone of average height, but that was the only thing you could tell about him, as he was completely covered in gear. An aviator suit, gloves on his hands, and a helmet with a visor, and if that wasn't enough, he also wore a balaclava that covered his mouth.

“What are you doing here? Did someone follow you?¨ he said worriedly, since only military personnel were supposed to be on the ship.

"No," she replied, "I have already made the necessary arrangements for this little reunion.”

"So what is the situation this time?" he said slightly relieved. "It must be very important for an angel to tell me the details in person? -and he was right because angels are not people who should see the living.- (I feel as if this line is unnecessary) Did they finally make sure to find it?"

"How did you know I was an angel?" the girl in white asked, but without the slightest hint of emotion.

The man began to list all the reasons for his conclusion. "The door was locked from the inside, -That- you are dressed all in white, -That- you know they will call me soon, and -That- because an unknown woman appeared after a month at sea on an aircraft carrier, one of the safest places in the world mind you.” -is strange."- Also, don’t forget that we have known each other for some time now. I can still -give- have more arguments if you aren’t convinced.” -about it"-

"As you were informed at the beginning of this operation, we have confirmed the location of the Codex," the girl said, ignoring him. "The problem is that it is now in the custody of the I.S.C. researchers. They check their data quite often, so we could not infiltrate a traditional agent to get it back to recover it. We have worked hard to bring the conflict between the Alliance and the Empire to the North, to create what may be our best chance to win it back. The mission was approved 5 minutes ago."

"The I.S.C. had it the whole time!?" he said surprised at the information, and how not to be. Having worked in the Army, he knew exactly who they were. They were a multinational corporation hired by the Alliance to research and develop new weapons, pharmaceuticals, and computer equipment. If it had to do with technology and was brand new, it most likely came from them. They are so good at their job that they even got the United States Army to hire them instead of their favorite Lockheed Martin. So the new teams of the American division of the Alliance came from them. -So- It was dangerous for them to have something like that. "Where did they find it?"

"At the moment we do not know," the girl replied with her usual calm face. "Unfortunately, we have noticed that it is not the only thing they have found from the Seventh Operation. We think they have some other artifacts from those dark times. We don't know exactly what they have. Everything is in some sort of large capsule in their laboratories. The good news is that they don't know what they have right now, but that's why we have to get it back right away. We only have one chance." Her face changed with this sentence, it was of anger, but of the man in front of her, it was of the situation.

"Several of our infiltrated agents in the Central Command were discovered, we managed to get them out safely by pretending that they were rescued by the Empire. Needless to say, they are investigating the contacts at the moment, so we cannot do anything more to attract attention." After a short pause to regain her usual calm, she emphasized the following. "It is expected that this may cause complications, so you will have to adapt to the situation. Your duty will be to take the Codex and protect it at all costs. That's right, the next problem they would go through would be to retrieve this item. It was a crystal the size of a hand, with a bluish color. But despite its harmless appearance, it has not stopped causing problems for the angels in charge of security. Contrary to what most people would believe, this crystal was capable of granting wishes, and as if that weren't enough of a problem, it also requires-d- a HUGE PAYMENT IN ADVANCE to use. One that some people would be more than willing to sacrifice to gain access to such power, no doubt a real headache for the Angels.” She said. "The details of the extraction are being discussed. We will give you more information later than we have decided. The Celestial Security Section with a completely improvised and unfinished plan.”

"How low have they sunk," Cesar scoffed.
!!!!"I think it says a lot about the pressure to get them back, to perform like that without good preparation.”!!!!(Who Says This, Is It Cesar).
"But we just don't have any real options, this is the best due to the chaos that will result from the battle," she explained.

"What about a defense team?" he asked.

"Their success rate is almost 95% when they show up.""The risk of the public discovering us is already quite high," she complained. "Besides, they specialize in securing their assigned territory. A mission with so little preparation is better to have people who have proven to be good in desperate situations as often as you. Also, you will not be the only one in this, there will be several who will try to help you with what they can. But don't expect anything too direct.”

"Today you will be assigned to a transport helicopter," the girl began to explain. "You should be able to fake a mechanical failure, we even have other infiltrated Angels ready to help you give "realism" to the situation, right now they are damaging your helicopter so that it has that problem. Then they will assist you when you fall on the battlefield to avoid further complications with enemy soldiers, they will be the same ones who will inform you about the extraction. After you meet them, you will act as a sniper thanks to your skill until it is time to act."

But then-, thinking a bit,- Cesar thinks about who the other infiltrated angels could be, because they did their job very well, because not even -the- someone who knew about their existence and their ways of acting had discovered them. But as he thought about his companions, a name came to his mind.

"Is Captain Cedric with us?" he asked, trying to guess a possible connection.

"Negative.He's just an ordinary Alliance officer, so you'll have to deal with him when the time comes," a direct answer from the unflappable girl.

"Well, at least I was free at the end of this "accident" as you like to call it," the young man gave up with a clearly discouraged face, despite the helmet and balaclava.

With a slight bow of apology from the girl, she added the following: "We are sorry for all the inconvenience we have caused you. But I have come personally to assure you that once this is done, we will finally put an end to all the loose ends left by the dragoons of the seventh operation."

Seeing that his task was finally coming to an end, he began to think about what had brought him here in the first place, and in a serious, even threatening tone, he asked, "And my sister?How is her health?" he expected a positive answer, because otherwise he would throw all this away, because that was the only thing that interested him.

"Your sister was cured a long time ago, just as we promised. She has not even caught a cold since," the girl tried to comfort him, even trying to put on a smile to appear as sincere as possible, because it was important for his cooperation in the mission. "But I cannot give more details to people who are not supposed to know with the information available through normal means." And the angel was right, it was assumed that their existence was a -their- secret -for humans-, and even more that they were giving so much information to a human -people- who should not know. It was as if it was some kind of divine revelation for common people.

"Okay. I will finish this and then find a way to reunite with my family, apart from trying to find an excuse for all these missing years," he said, one could intuit that he was remembering some scene with his family in the past, because now he looked calm again.

This aroused the curiosity of the girl, who asked for more details: "Haven't you told her anything yet?”

"I tried to talk to her, but it was impossible to contact her for a while," he replied.

"Well, it's time for me to retire, I wish you luck in your mission. Everyone in heaven is counting on you one more time," the girl said as she prepared to leave the room she was in.

After this little reunion, the girl went back the way she came, again undetected by anyone but the boy.
Shortly after the warning sounded, the pilots were called to the briefing center to be told of their next mission, one that could change this war in which the world was embroiled and from which forces other than humans like the Angels were taking advantage.

 

[Glitched]

Well, yeah, I know the beginning is where most readers get lost, that's always a given.

What stresses me out is that both the one who gave up and wrote a super long hate comment about my story, as well as the most loyal reader who's up to date with the 200 chapters and comments "thank you" on each one of them, both agree that the beginning is "rough," similar to Saving Private Ryan.

That many points are necessary for the story to work, well, yes, but I think it could be done a little better, maybe, that's what I want to try.

Anyway, thank you nonetheless

I have a dedicated reader who did this as well. He wrote a postuive review, but still says that the first few chapters are a nightmare. He ranted about then a lit more in my discord, where I asked him for specifics and promised to fix them.

 

[GoodPerson]

Although the first chapters of mine weren't some burden on the story, it is a mess.

In one aspect, it has the same problem as yours. It had some differences I noticed, the vague explanation and messed up grammar.

I cannot give you advice for the moment, but I hope you get through this. If you do, then I know I can surpass this problem too.

 

[Succubiome]

I dunno if I'd recommend rewriting overall, or if this makes sense, but my instinct would be...

If Ch. 21 is where you feel is where it gets good, I'd throw the first 20 chapters into a linked prologue, and start with Ch 21 as Ch 1 so they know what they're in for, and then edit Ch 21+ so that it makes sense without reading the prologue, or something like that?