Why polite people are so disliked?

[Reinaislost]

I've come across this sentiment echoed so many times, and although I don't think dislike is quite the right term to use here, it is still a topic that bothers me.

The main argument behind this seems to be that if a person is behaving polite at all times, one can't reasonably be certain of their wording and mannerisms. A huge gap may exist between the crevices of what they think and say, and for this reason, polite people—by their own nature—are hard to trust. So to speak, they aren't being 'real.'

I understand the concern; it hurts a lot more if a person who is nice to you talks terrible things behind you back, but upon closer inspection, had they been really polite on principle? There may be some social circumstances involved, but it is not inherently impolite to voice distaste, concern or raise disagreement regarding things. If the person living above my floor is making noise at night, I could file a complaint without being an ass about it. Not to mention, there are different levels of politeness for one's social circle. In general, the rule of politeness assumes:

1. People deserve respect and courtesy (common decency, really) befitting being a rationale human.
2. The person is acting on their own goodwill and not with malicious intent until proven otherwise.

Of course, when the goodwill runs out, the result may sometimes be a lot less desirable and drastic (depends on the person) than coming down at hands. However, I do believe it to be a lot more productive and civil than verbally abusing someone as part of being 'real.'
Nice words doesn't always mean nice things; the person can always be real nasty behind it. In most cases, however, they are identifiable with corresponding qualities, mostly arrogance with cases I've seen.

Conclusion: I don't believe it is the end of the world if somebody asked how are you while not expecting a real answer. They can be real. Superficial politeness isn't bad as long as the person isn't an ass. A good person is a good person no matter if they are polite or unafraid of speaking their mind. It is a problem that people nowadays are far apart than ever, but blaming people who are reserved isn't the answer.

 

[TotallyHuman]

I don't dislike polite people in particular. I just dislike people

 

[esThr]

Paranoia is unfortunately a rude guest otherwise probably because people tend to think they are pretentious (not really)

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

Because kindness is a weapon. Most people know how to deal with someone who behaves badly or is spontaneous, but they are terribly bewildered when they have to face someone kind or polite.

 

[GoodPerson]

I don't dislike polite people in particular. I just dislike people

Gurl is straight up equalizing everyone.

Damn, she didn't even sugarcoat it.

Because kindness is a weapon. Most people know how to deal with someone who behaves badly or is spontaneous, but they are terribly bewildered when they have to face someone kind or polite.

I kinda align with Matcha here.

Generally, there are two sides to politeness when you meet someone nice.

They either:

1. Genuinely polite
2. Poker face

These two can be determined by surroundings, personality, gender, age, or hobby.

We've seen people being nice IRL, so we developed the feeling that polite people are usually nice.

Then, Manhwas, Manhuas, Mangas, and novels, came into our view, changing our perspective. The once POV where polite people are good is now in the gray zone.

We haven't talked about games and Movies stereotyping the government as a bad faction.

Hence why most people will get suspicious if you wear a suit and are nice and polite.

Well, most. There are still people so innocent I don't think the government should bother them. It's too cruel to crush them.

 

[NineHeadHeavenDevouringSerpent]

If you are not seeking attachments, what they mask themselves with shouldn't matter to you. Are you assessing their trustworthiness for something? There's a professional way to go about it. Lay down what you require of them, ask what they think they can meet, adjust accordingly and have contingencies for fallbacks. If they break on their promise, it will be a black mark in their career and nobody would trust them with more opportunities. The trust and benefit goes hand in hand.


Just generally speaking, I'm no Jordan Peterson but the problem here is people are insecure about others they can't figure out. And the assumption is finding faults and disagreements will better their understanding of others. If they are cordial and only deflect and not engage in the exchange then that shows their reservation against you and that inadvertently makes you raise guard against them and "dislike" them.


This doesn't come as an individual characteristics, everyone is capable of being deflective or alienating.

 

[MouseDestruction]

The most polite person you will ever meet is the thief. They want something from you and they will work hard to put you at ease in their company. It also can apply to the preachy religious types or politicians etc.

So there is very much reason to doubt someone who is being too polite. But general normal levels of politeness isn't so bad. If warning bells are going off in your head though, you shouldn't be ignoring them, those feelings you get exist because things do happen, even if you can't explain why at the time.

 

[Reinaislost]

The most polite person you will ever meet is the thief. They want something from you and they will work hard to put you at ease in their company. It also can apply to the preachy religious types or politicians etc.

So there is very much reason to doubt someone who is being too polite. But general normal levels of politeness isn't so bad. If warning bells are going off in your head though, you shouldn't be ignoring them, those feelings you get exist because things do happen, even if you can't explain why at the time.

I do think you are mistaking politeness for niceness or kindness. Politeness is simply treating people with respect and adhering to the standard that is seen as good manners. Politeness would be not staring at someone for a prolonged period of time, while kindness would be approaching them to help in case they needed something. The figures mentioned above are never polite.

 

[Kenjona]

Politeness, Kindness and Niceness are different animals, though they are similar in some ways and crossover each other a lot of times.
A person being polite acts within the expectations of the Society they are from, and exhibit behavior that is respectful and considerate of other people; they also tend to make people feel good at that time.
A person being kind does what is needed to help people with what they are able to do with; whilst they could be polite about how they go about it, but that is not always so or even always necessary.
A person being nice does what they think will make them look Polite and Kind, but with an ulterior reason. You are acting Kind and/or Polite for self centered reasons.

 

[Daitengu]

Ah I know. It's a difference between city folk, and everyone else.

Politeness takes time, and is appreciated in slower lifestyles. While in big cities like New York or LA, being polite is seen as wasting time.

 

[CSDestroyer]

This might be due to my Ameri-centric way of growing up, but if someone does not like me, I'd rather know upfront that they do not like me. This usually won't fly in a professional business environment, but it typically saves time rather than them holding up a facade of politeness.

There's also the fact that sudden politeness is not what is expected when it comes to off-the-bat interactions in the United States. While I doubt a lot of people mean ill, if someone is being very polite to you, you cannot help but think: What ulterior motives might they have? They might have none, but the fact of the matter is, there is a non-zero chance they might, which keeps us on guard.

We haven't talked about games and Movies stereotyping the government as a bad faction.

Hence why most people will get suspicious if you wear a suit and are nice and polite.

If there is a polite man in a suit waiting outside your door, claiming that he is from the government and wants to help you, you should have your lawyer on speed dial and your other hand ready to slam the door into his face after you tell him to get a warrant.

 

[GoodPerson]

This might be due to my Ameri-centric way of growing up, but if someone does not like me, I'd rather know upfront that they do not like me. This usually won't fly in a professional business environment, but it typically saves time rather than them holding up a facade of politeness.

There's also the fact that sudden politeness is not what is expected when it comes to off-the-bat interactions in the United States. While I doubt a lot of people mean ill, if someone is being very polite to you, you cannot help but think: What ulterior motives might they have? They might have none, but the fact of the matter is, there is a non-zero chance they might, which keeps us on guard.


If there is a polite man in a suit waiting outside your door, claiming that he is from the government and wants to help you, you should have your lawyer on speed dial and your other hand ready to slam the door into his face after you tell him to get a warrant.

Lol.

xD

Very fricking brave claim.

 

[Nevafrost]

I feel like a lot of people here got their heart broken by some kind of two faced bitc- I mean polite people. Lol

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

I'm not polite. I'm a rude person.

 

[J_Chemist]

Being superficial and putting up with the existence of other people is basic decency. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. Don't slam doors in people's faces but also don't stand there like a fucking wacko if I'm 20 feet away, staring at me. No, I'm not hurrying up because you wanted to be "polite".

Give people the basic level of kindness required for us to all go through our days and try not to add to their already likely high internal level of depression.

People who smile all the time or try to be super nice with me 100% of the time are likely fake, weird, want something from me, or are a sort of fairy creature that I probably don't want to be involved with. But, they do exist--people who see all of the good things in the world or find ways to do so. As a pessimist, it's an anomaly to me and I would rather not deal with it unless forced.

I appreciate these kind people, however, those anomalies. They are the people I wish the best for and they are the people I show true kindness to. But, of course, life isn't always kind to them. The reason those people are so nice is because they've seen some shit. The person who is most willing to give the very skin off his back to protect you from the rain has no clothes to give instead.

Everyone else can get the door closed in their face.

 

[Hans.Trondheim]

Growing up in a conservative, native Filipino household, I was raised and taught by my mother to be polite to everyone, even those that seem not to deserve it.

And reaching my age (34), I realized why: it's a reflection of who am I as a person, at least in my society and culture.

But then again, I understand why some would dislike being shown 'politeness'. The cynicism brought by the changes in our communities is always bound to have an effect on anyone experiencing it.

Still, I choose to be polite. Mainly because it's always the 'go-to' behavior whenever I'm dealing with people in a different place and/or different culture. And second, I have respect for myself, thus, I don't want to be seen as someone rude. Third, I don't care what others say of my 'superficial politeness'; I'll live how I want to live, unless I'm stepping on someone else.

Well, that is, until I'm pissed off. But then again, I try to understand people before flaring up.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

After reading this thread I am unsure of what you mean by polite. Can you give some examples?

 

[Reinaislost]

This might be due to my Ameri-centric way of growing up, but if someone does not like me, I'd rather know upfront that they do not like me. This usually won't fly in a professional business environment, but it typically saves time rather than them holding up a facade of politeness.

I feel weird if I go up to a classmate and say that I dislike them for 'x' arbitrary reasons. Even though I may dislike them—which feels like a foreign word to use here, really—I don't hate them. I don't want to make them feel bad just because I was feeling petty. They were probably good people, had otherwise good intentions, and although they may have some faults, that can be easily communicated. Or worse, I'd simply try not to bother with them.
Sometimes things are too serious and personal for your potential intention to matter, and in that case, people have their own ways to deal with it.

A person being nice does what they think will make them look Polite and Kind, but with an ulterior reason. You are acting Kind and/or Polite for self centered reasons.

Just to be sure, being nice isn't a bad thing. I may act nice with people because I want to be treated the same. Unlike politeness, this is a more equal exchange. And sure, acting nice and helping someone with $1 just to expect them to return $10000 is bad, but that is more of a fundamental flaw in their character.

People who smile all the time or try to be super nice with me 100% of the time are likely fake, weird, want something from me, or are a sort of fairy creature that I probably don't want to be involved with. But, they do exist--people who see all of the good things in the world or find ways to do so. As a pessimist, it's an anomaly to me and I would rather not deal with it unless forced.

Polite people aren't always polite. Nice people aren't always nice. If they are, it is likely a combination of: i. you don't interact with them often; ii. they want to maintain distance; iii. or they like you. Individuality is also a big factor here, I suppose. If they are just nice, then it may not be good, after all, and you are within your right to raise your guard.


Unrelated, but for everything I said, people aren't entitled to, well, yourself. If you are not up to feeling well one day, you don't have to be polite or nice to people. Of course, do not still be an ass, but don't treat it like a burden. Treat yourself well.

Then there are also people who are too polite, or polite in such a manner that it is only a systematic protocol without respect element. The first often fails to read the room and consequently may make people uncomfortable or sound pretentious, while the second kind is a bigger problem. All kinds of people do exist.

After reading this thread I am unsure of what you mean by polite. Can you give some examples?

Suppose you are an open-source developer. Someone asked for a merger request, but the code is, for the lack of a better word, horrendous. You could be nice about it in response. Say it isn't all bad; point out the good and bad, and then encourage them to do better next time. You could be polite about the fact that it doesn't meet your standards. Give them constructive feedback as to why. The third is to tell them they should off themselves and wonder why they hadn't starved to death with that quality of code.
Ideally, it should be a combination of nice and polite.

Other examples may include appreciating someone for doing something good for you. Not making a fuss if someone made a slight mistake. Be respectful when you are asking for something. Not imposing yourself on others. Not behaving in a rude manner. Using respectful speech, and be nice to people in general.

 

[doravg]

I try to be polite. There was that one time during work, when I called one of the clients a duck. In Bulgarian, that can mean that the person is retarded and arrogant. I said it in Bulgarian, after she hung up. She would never find out. It felt great.

I got nasty looks from one of my trainers because of that. Still, one has to think that if I call someone a duck, then that person was an absolute nightmare. At my new job, I have gotten yelled at before, one person even told me to go fuck myself, even though it was his fault that he landed in his predicament.

But that woman deserved to be called a duck.

So, even polite people can lose their cool. Honestly, if you bring a polite person to cursing, then you are really in for it. Just a warning.

 

[Prince_Azmiran_Myrian]

I feel weird if I go up to a classmate and say that I dislike them for 'x' arbitrary reasons. Even though I may dislike them—which feels like a foreign word to use here, really—I don't hate them. I don't want to make them feel bad just because I was feeling petty. They were probably good people, had otherwise good intentions, and although they may have some faults, that can be easily communicated. Or worse, I'd simply try not to bother with them.
Sometimes things are too serious and personal for your potential intention to matter, and in that case, people have their own ways to deal with it.

Just to be sure, being nice isn't a bad thing. I may act nice with people because I want to be treated the same. Unlike politeness, this is a more equal exchange. And sure, acting nice and helping someone with $1 just to expect them to return $10000 is bad, but that is more of a fundamental flaw in their character.

Polite people aren't always polite. Nice people aren't always nice. If they are, it is likely a combination of: i. you don't interact with them often; ii. they want to maintain distance; iii. or they like you. Individuality is also a big factor here, I suppose. If they are just nice, then it may not be good, after all, and you are within your right to raise your guard.


Unrelated, but for everything I said, people aren't entitled to, well, yourself. If you are not up to feeling well one day, you don't have to be polite or nice to people. Of course, do not still be an ass, but don't treat it like a burden. Treat yourself well.

Then there are also people who are too polite, or polite in such a manner that it is only a systematic protocol without respect element. The first often fails to read the room and consequently may make people uncomfortable or sound pretentious, while the second kind is a bigger problem. All kinds of people do exist.

Suppose you are an open-source developer. Someone asked for a merger request, but the code is, for the lack of a better word, horrendous. You could be nice about it in response. Say it isn't all bad; point out the good and bad, and then encourage them to do better next time. You could be polite about the fact that it doesn't meet your standards. Give them constructive feedback as to why. The third is to tell them they should off themselves and wonder why they hadn't starved to death with that quality of code.
Ideally, it should be a combination of nice and polite.

Other examples may include appreciating someone for doing something good for you. Not making a fuss if someone made a slight mistake. Be respectful when you are asking for something. Do not impose yourself on others. Do not be rude. Use respectful speech, and be nice to people in general.

I suppose the reason people do not appreciate 'politeness' is because the definition is so intermingled with a lot of mixed behaviors.

Personally, I pay attention to how somebody treats others regardless of status. Though, I do prefer a more straightforward approach.