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Prefacing this with the usual disclaimers, just in case - I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. Everything I know regarding this topic comes from secondhand knowledge. Do not take legal advice from strangers on the internet. That being established, in the United States, at least...

Thank you for the story! Alright, so the first thing I'm noticing here - the opening. You've done a good job so far of establishing interest. Right away, we've got a conflict that needs to be resolved - finding out who Cherry is and why she's missing her memories. That's good, because it gives...

You are very welcome! There's a lot I think you can do with her lover, if you're interested in something like that. First thing that comes to mind is maybe have her believe he's dead or something, or otherwise just have her believe she'll never see him again. Then when he appears later, it...

Thank you for the story! Alright, so the first thing that comes to mind here: Pacing. In this first chapter, you're throwing a lot of information at the reader. Take the passage about her lover, for example - that's kind of just thrown at the reader at the start of the first chapter. It's good...

Thank you for the story! Okay, before we talk about the story itself, I want to discuss the synopsis. There's no easy way for me to say this, so I'll just say it outright: "I don't know how to a write synopsis for a long ass story like this mannn...I'll keep updating this when I get better at...

Thank you for the story! First thing that comes to mind while reading the first chapter: This is easily the most experimental piece of fiction I've yet read on this site, and I do mean that in a good way. It reminds me of a Stephen King or HP Lovecraft story - it's like it's written almost...

Thank you for the story! Okay, so, the first thing that stands out to me is tone. This is obviously a comedy story, so the tone has to match the fact that it's going to be humor-centric. In that regard, I think you did a good job - the narration is lighthearted, sarcastic, and fun to read. I...

Thank you for the story! Okay, so you asked about the infodump in the first chapter, so that's primarily what I'll be addressing here. I apologize in advance if I come as a bit forceful in this particular post - infodumps are something I feel strongly about in fiction. I'll explain why as we...

Thank you for the story! First thing I'd like to discuss: The MC's narration. Now, I think I know why this is written this way - it's to break the monotony of having a chapter that's just descriptions. You're having the MC narrate her thoughts in quotes as a way to provide information without...

You are very welcome! For first-person stories, I have a few I'd recommend off the top of my head: Monster Hunter International (series), by Larry Correia. Most of Correia's stuff would probably qualify here, actually, since I'm fairly certain pretty much everything he's written has been in...

Thank you for the story! First thing I noticed - when you're writing dialog, each new speaker needs a paragraph of their own. Allow me to demonstrate: ""As you know I had been tasked with mapping out the third zone but," I began, recounting what they already knew, "soon after I had started...

Thank you for the story! Okay, so, I'm going to talk prose in this post. For those of you who may be reading this and don't know what prose is, it's basically the way in which a sentence is written. You can think of it almost as your voice as an author. Everyone's prose is different, but there...

Thank you for the story! Alright, so, to begin with - I like the newspaper headlines to open the story. It helps set the stage without being overbearing. It's a good way to do worldbuilding right at the start without having to get too deep into the nitty-gritty of things and just dump a bunch...

There's a multi-step process to the ultimate best way to die. It goes something like this. 1. Acquire chair. 2. Acquire piano wire. 3. Acquire superglue. Not the usual garbage stuff they call superglue at the hobby store, I'm talking the industrial-grade stuff. Like the kind they use to patch...

Let's get this ball rolling, shall we? Pleased to meet you, I go by Minaris. I have been writing on FFN for several years now and recently self-published my first original story over on Amazon, with two more in the works as of the time of this writing, and hopefully many more to come...

Hello, everyone. Off-and-on lurker, first-time poster here. It's a pleasure to meet you all. I go by a few different names - Obsequium Minaris, obviously, but also John Haruspex over on Amazon. You can just call me Minaris, though. My hobbies, in order, are writing, competitive marksmanship (CMP...