Can I have some feedback?

[Nixil]

Into Winter
I wrote this in one and a half hours today, before my brain melted, so it is currently unedited.
It also doesn't have any plot planned currently and is very short.

There are some questions I would like to ask about it:
Does it seems like there is a plot?
Does it work like an opening of a story?
How is the flow of the text?
What more could I add to the current text and what should I write about next?
What do you think of it currently and also any advice you would give me.

Thank you!

 

[Kotohood]

Hmm, not gonna lie but your story actually reminds me of FROSTPUNK, it's a game where the theme is permanent winter. Some sort of ice age. The intro of that game showed a bunch of colonist walking through the permanent winter and found a steam engine in the bottom of a valley. They then proceeded to activate said generator and started building what they called "The last city that man will ever build"

The beginning of your story really reminded me of that, and I think with a bit of effort and some magic dash you could probably write down a pretty grim survival story with hope sprinkled in between. It might even be a great 50k novel if you do it right.

The flow and the pacing look alright to be but a few things kinda stick out to me.

A never-ending cascade of snow fluttered down as gentle as a flock of doves, yet it hurts. It hurts as we marched forward, forward into the darkness, deeper into hell.

Why fluttered and a flock of doves? I don't feel like this is the right terminology to use here. Though that's just me. Also, you should put a dot, not a comma in between the two forward. It will flow better.

We would hear the sounds of swords clashing and distant gunfire, the sounds of a creature’s growl and the roars of whatever monstrosity laid ahead.

Some of us talked about the past, hoping to drown out the murmurs of death. They talked about their family, how their daughter was waiting for them, how they missed their parents and the smell of a freshly baked cake and roasted boar. They talked about the peaceful, viridian forests and grassy fields, how they would buy bread, how they would mock the king, how they would plant vegetables.

This is a blizzard, right? You attributed the snow to be as large as doves. How could they hear whatever it is that they were hearing? And is it even possible to make a conversation in such a condition?

It's not really a big deal. Just that I find it odd. That's all.

Edit, forgot to put this in: Overall, it was an interesting read. The tone was set really well.

 

[Nixil]

Thank you for the feedback!

Hmm, not gonna lie but your story actually reminds me of FROSTPUNK, it's a game where the theme is permanent winter. Some sort of ice age. The intro of that game showed a bunch of colonist walking through the permanent winter and found a steam engine in the bottom of a valley. They then proceeded to activate said generator and started building what they called "The last city that man will ever build"

The beginning of your story really reminded me of that, and I think with a bit of effort and some magic dash you could probably write down a pretty grim survival story with hope sprinkled in between. It might even be a great 50k novel if you do it right.

Yeah I think that would be an interesting idea to take the story towards. I would have to do a lot of plotting though.

Why fluttered and a flock of doves? I don't feel like this is the right terminology to use here. Though that's just me. Also, you should put a dot, not a comma in between the two forward. It will flow better.

I agree that putting a period would help the flow.
I don't really understand the flutter and doves part though as birds can flutter

This is a blizzard, right? You attributed the snow to be as large as doves. How could they hear whatever it is that they were hearing? And is it even possible to make a conversation in such a condition?

I attributed the snow to be as gentle as doves, but it's still true that they may not be able to converse with each other in a blizzard. I hadn't considered that as I have never been in a blizzard before. For the other noises I could just say they were going mad.

Anyway, thank you for the feedback!

 

[Kotohood]

I don't really understand the flutter and doves part though as birds can flutter

I attributed the snow to be as gentle as doves

Ahh, so that's what you mean. Doves when in flight in my area are not gentle. I had assumed blizzard = harsh. Doves= snow as large as doves. Then I thought, damn these poor people are getting hit by that?

 

[Wintertime]

It gets my seal of approval. There's a good balance of metaphors and juxtaposition, however, some of the flow is jarred with the incorrect use of tense. It's a good opener, and definitely interesting. It gives us a little glimpse of the world you're trying to create, but with no foreshadowing nor any direction; it's a bit hard to branch out into a proper opener.

For my tips: I would suggest you fix some of your tenses, and refine your use of juxtaposition. It's a bit unclear at certain points, but overall it sets a good tone. I also recommend adding a bit more foreshadowing. I know you don't have a plot, but experiment and see where it goes. I want to know a bit more of the narrator, and add dialogue between the survivors/people.