Feedback Request - Optabilis Mundo: Shroud of Black Resort

[D4isuke]

Optabilis Mundo: Shroud of Black Resort

Synopsis:
Mirai Shizuku is a young mysterious yet beautiful woman who stumbles on the world of Terra where she appears before the ritual that the summoners had mistaken her as goddess "Yukiona". Thanks to Juliette's coincidental meeting, she brings Mirai to the place with full of troubles and humiliations that you can find anywhere. Through despair, the hope with darkest secrets comes to obliterate whoever stands before her, something she truly desires to overwhelm, however, as the consequence will come, the trembling price catches the eye of Mirai's consciousness.

In depths of her unconsciousness, she meets a succubus spirit named Vally who is her "spiritual persona" with complete matter of herself. She possessed the ability called "Dark Matter" which is the non-existential force to create her ideal form as she wants. In fact, that's the reason why Vally signifies herself as votum (Latin term of "wish"). They both have an agreement to safeguard her memory, and renew her life in the world of Terra.

Genre:

Action, Adult, Adventure, Fantasy, Isekai, Mature, Smut, Supernatural, Tragedy



I need some feedbacks on how you guys think and lemme know so that I can refine it something more.

 

[Ral]

The synopsis here is really confusing and vague. I have no idea what the story is supposed to be or the story has no plot at all. I go to the story's page and got the same impression. You really need to improve your synopsis.

 

[D4isuke]

The synopsis here is really confusing and vague. I have no idea what the story is supposed to be or the story has no plot at all. I read go to the story's page and got the same impression. You really need to improve your synopsis.

specifically which part did confuse you the most?

 

[Ral]

specifically which part did confuse you the most?

The whole synopsis actually. Mostly because of how everything is phrased but also because there is no flow in the narrative.

Mirai Shizuku is a young mysterious yet beautiful woman who stumbles on the world of Terra where she appears before the ritual that the summoners had mistaken her as goddess "Yukiona".

This is okay. The "young mysterious yet beautiful woman" part especially when paired with the "mistaken as a goddess" part paints Mirai as some Mary Sue but it is fine so far.

Thanks to Juliette's coincidental meeting, she brings Mirai to the place with full of troubles and humiliations that you can find anywhere.

. . . What?

How did you come from that to this? There is no narrative connection between the two.

Through despair, the hope with darkest secrets comes to obliterate whoever stands before her, something she truly desires to overwhelm, however, as the consequence will come, the trembling price catches the eye of Mirai's consciousness.

And this one is so confusing and vague. This is nonsensical.

In depths of her unconsciousness, she meets a succubus spirit named Vally who is her "spiritual persona" with complete matter of herself.

Again, this has no narrative connection from what comes before.

She possessed the ability called "Dark Matter" which is the non-existential force to create her ideal form as she wants. In fact, that's the reason why Vally signifies herself as votum (Latin term of "wish").

Alright, dark matter is actually a thing and a very familiar one at that. You are making things confusing by using an existing defined term to describe a totally different thing.

"Non-existential force" is nonsensical. Existential means relating to existence, for example existential crisis means (your) existence is in danger, that existence might cease. Non-existential means it has nothing to do with existence or lacks existence. Then you add force, so the complete meaning is: A force that has nothing to do with existence or a force that lacks existence/doesn't exist . . . Is this what you really mean?

They both have an agreement to safeguard her memory, and renew her life in the world of Terra.

Again, no narrative connection with what comes previously.

Even if you take out the nonsensical bits and focus on the hints of plot it provides, there is nothing. It is just a bunch of disconnected events that just happens. That is not plot.

The impression I got from the synopsis is that it would be nonsensical story (probably in the world building) about a Mary Sue with just random events happening as its "plot". I don't think this is the impression you wanted.

 

[D4isuke]

This is okay. The "young mysterious yet beautiful woman" part especially when paired with the "mistaken as a goddess" part paints Mirai as some Mary Sue but it is fine so far.

So if I do this, is it gonna be enough for that?

 

[Ral]

So if I do this, is it gonna be enough for that?

Yes. It would paint your protagonist more humbly.

I also think it is better to replace the descriptions with something less aggrandizing, unless it is a story that focus on that kind of things like Xianxia. Maybe just the age and nationality, family situation, income and such things. These descriptions are more grounded and relate-able.

If you want to keep the concept of mysteriousness and beauty, then do it more subtly. Say, instead of mysterious, you could describe her as silent or having a family background of ancient witches/sorceress or something. Something that makes her mysterious but not overtly. Same with beauty. Concrete descriptions like gentle eyes or full lips convey the sense of beauty without hammering it. Essentially, you convey the same thing without being blunt and obvious.