first chapter review

[YusakuRay]

I just recently finally got myself to post my first chapter and would like some feedback also wondering if its worth just posting second chapter since thats when my character actually gets isekai'd? or to just wait til the next day? https://www.scribblehub.com/series/994407/my-eternal-afterlife/
I guess i would mainly like to know if I should increase word count
thank you for taking the time to read
-Ray

 

[MarvinTheAngel]

Your story isn't bad, but it lacks creativity. The name Gobbi seems too close to goblin, perhaps you could have Kosei ask them what their name means and Gobbi could help develop the world through explaining the history of the name. I'd say more but it's too early to judge, keep practicing though!

 

[KuruKinaar]

Few things for your request on feedback that's more considered a heavy editing:
1. You have way to many run on sentences. Don't be afraid to keep sentences short and simple, or to end them. It was hard reading and reading and reading - there needs to be breaks.
2. Add more detail to the scene. Rather than telling me what the guy is doing and leaving it short and simple, show me. Paint me a picture of the shoreline and the waves, show me what the guy is building in his camp, show me the food he's making. Go into detail the guy washing ashore and struggling because he should be weak, his head hurts, he feels brain fog and can't remember or even speak. The more you describe this, the more I feel like I'm there, and the more words you add into your chapter.
3. Use thesaurus - this will help add in synonyms to the words you repeated a lot.

Overall, good start! Keep going with the idea :D

 

[YusakuRay]

Few things for your request on feedback that's more considered a heavy editing:
1. You have way to many run on sentences. Don't be afraid to keep sentences short and simple, or to end them. It was hard reading and reading and reading - there needs to be breaks.
2. Add more detail to the scene. Rather than telling me what the guy is doing and leaving it short and simple, show me. Paint me a picture of the shoreline and the waves, show me what the guy is building in his camp, show me the food he's making. Go into detail the guy washing ashore and struggling because he should be weak, his head hurts, he feels brain fog and can't remember or even speak. The more you describe this, the more I feel like I'm there, and the more words you add into your chapter.
3. Use thesaurus - this will help add in synonyms to the words you repeated a lot.

Overall, good start! Keep going with the idea :D

thanks for your review it's very helpful. I'll start working on revising it before more chapters come out. ty

Your story isn't bad, but it lacks creativity. The name Gobbi seems too close to goblin, perhaps you could have Kosei ask them what their name means and Gobbi could help develop the world through explaining the history of the name. I'd say more but it's too early to judge, keep practicing though!

Noted. I'll try and think of a way to incorporate the names with meaning and revise it. ty for reviewing!