Hello! Looking for readers for my book!

[Elsmere]

In Fairytales

On a journey to assess the condition of his utopia after a great war, the High Emperor of Imaginarion, Kullervo Skyforth and his family, discover the plot of a witch to overthrow his reign and his world. Along the way they will learn the meaning of family and how to...

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Hey there! I'm looking for some general feedback on my work and some constructive criticism on what could sound better or help the work as a whole. Really I'm looking for some theory-crafting on it along with some general feelings in relation to the characters and their story. Please and thank you very much! This book is 150k words but it's going to be uploaded like a serial, chapter-by-chapter every Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. DM me with comments, questions, concerns, or possible swaps as well.

 

[KDBooks97]

So I took a gander, and do forgive me, as I am not the best writer, but I do have some feedback.

-“Do you know what makes a great warrior, dearly beloved?” I asked Eris on that airless, rainy summer night on our porch steps. She looked at me, thinking over the puzzle I had posed, her heterochromatic gaze seeming to change slowly from its brown and violet majesty. One eye was electric green and the other was aquamarine to counter it, both resting beneath her wide brow like twin, elemental worlds. Her face reflected my own as only my first-born was created to be. I could see her mind process the query silently.-

This is very poetic, but extremely confusing and a bit jarring for the first paragraph. 3/4 of this paragraph is describing her eyes and it wasn't until I reread it a few times that I understood her eyes were actively changing colors... I think.

Everything else in the chapter flows well, you set up the appearances of each character in a way that feels natural, such as describing Cora's hair being unkempt from staying up with the newborn. Personally, I would either work in more references to different parts of Eris' face while she's thinking (Does she bite her lip, looking up at the cosmos? Does her face flush because she's caught off guard?

Everything else seems to work quite well and flow nicely, but the opening paragraph threw me off a little bit initially the way it was structured. Keep writing, you have a marvelous story with an intriguing premise.

 

[KDBooks97]

The commenter above me is rude, please disregard them. I will say, there are some words you use that don't quite make logical sense in the sentence they're written. I mean they don't flow well with the rest of the scene.

-I’d taught Fantasia how to sew at a young age, but she’d never quite gotten the handle of it. I was constantly walking between her, the baby, and the food, trying to manage all three at once.-

It could be my own personal writing style at play here, but I feel 'She'd never quite gotten the hang of it' or 'She never developed the skill to sew delicate seams.' Even following up the sentence with some adage of if Cora doesn't keep checking up on Fantasia, she'll wind up with a pant leg sewn up or something.

However, I do like you establishing the family traits without outright stating them here. Cora's motherly influence of trying to manage a baby, cooking and keeping an eye on an older child is very relatable.

I'm on Chapter 7 now and I must say, I do absolutely adore the story. There are many different creatures teeming with life. rich worldbuilding is dripping from every pore. There are times I wish there was more backstory for some of the creatures as we get a glimpse of them for the first time, but I understand that for the characters, this is business as usual. There is no reason for the characters to describe them in intimate detail, as they know the races and creatures that we as the audience have never seen before. I believe a reference sheet, separate from the story would be very helpful for your readers for a lot of these creatures.

The story is extremely well written besides the few complaints I've made so far. I am not one for fantasy usually, and the way you have captured my attention and made me care about your characters and the world they are in is nothing short of incredible. I have no doubt that with some slight editing, your story could absolutely be a published bestseller.

-I’d taught Fantasia how to sew at a young age, but she’d never quite gotten the handle of it. I was constantly walking between her, the baby, and the food, trying to manage all three at once.-

It could be my own personal writing style at play here, but I feel 'She'd never quite gotten the hang of it' or 'She never developed the skill to sew delicate seams.' Even following up the sentence with some adage of if Cora doesn't keep checking up on Fantasia, she'll wind up with a pant leg sewn up or something.

Here I am, giving you constructive criticism on your writing style, yet I crashed my train of thought and started a new one! Let me try that again.

It could be my own personal writing style at play here, but I feel 'She'd never quite gotten the hang of it' or 'She never developed the skill to sew delicate seams.' would flow better here. Even following up the sentence with some adage of if Cora doesn't keep checking up on Fantasia, she'll wind up with a pant leg sewn up or something would help this exchange make a bit more sense.

 

[Lloyd]

The commenter above me is rude, please disregard them. I will say, there are some words you use that don't quite make logical sense in the sentence they're written. I mean they don't flow well with the rest of the scene.

-I’d taught Fantasia how to sew at a young age, but she’d never quite gotten the handle of it. I was constantly walking between her, the baby, and the food, trying to manage all three at once.-

It could be my own personal writing style at play here, but I feel 'She'd never quite gotten the hang of it' or 'She never developed the skill to sew delicate seams.' Even following up the sentence with some adage of if Cora doesn't keep checking up on Fantasia, she'll wind up with a pant leg sewn up or something.

However, I do like you establishing the family traits without outright stating them here. Cora's motherly influence of trying to manage a baby, cooking and keeping an eye on an older child is very relatable.

I'm on Chapter 7 now and I must say, I do absolutely adore the story. There are many different creatures teeming with life. rich worldbuilding is dripping from every pore. There are times I wish there was more backstory for some of the creatures as we get a glimpse of them for the first time, but I understand that for the characters, this is business as usual. There is no reason for the characters to describe them in intimate detail, as they know the races and creatures that we as the audience have never seen before. I believe a reference sheet, separate from the story would be very helpful for your readers for a lot of these creatures.

The story is extremely well written besides the few complaints I've made so far. I am not one for fantasy usually, and the way you have captured my attention and made me care about your characters and the world they are in is nothing short of incredible. I have no doubt that with some slight editing, your story could absolutely be a published bestseller.

Here I am, giving you constructive criticism on your writing style, yet I crashed my train of thought and started a new one! Let me try that again.

It could be my own personal writing style at play here, but I feel 'She'd never quite gotten the hang of it' or 'She never developed the skill to sew delicate seams.' would flow better here. Even following up the sentence with some adage of if Cora doesn't keep checking up on Fantasia, she'll wind up with a pant leg sewn up or something would help this exchange make a bit more sense.

Rude? I literally said "no offense", you asshole.

 

[Elsmere]

So I took a gander, and do forgive me, as I am not the best writer, but I do have some feedback.

-“Do you know what makes a great warrior, dearly beloved?” I asked Eris on that airless, rainy summer night on our porch steps. She looked at me, thinking over the puzzle I had posed, her heterochromatic gaze seeming to change slowly from its brown and violet majesty. One eye was electric green and the other was aquamarine to counter it, both resting beneath her wide brow like twin, elemental worlds. Her face reflected my own as only my first-born was created to be. I could see her mind process the query silently.-

This is very poetic, but extremely confusing and a bit jarring for the first paragraph. 3/4 of this paragraph is describing her eyes and it wasn't until I reread it a few times that I understood her eyes were actively changing colors... I think.

Everything else in the chapter flows well, you set up the appearances of each character in a way that feels natural, such as describing Cora's hair being unkempt from staying up with the newborn. Personally, I would either work in more references to different parts of Eris' face while she's thinking (Does she bite her lip, looking up at the cosmos? Does her face flush because she's caught off guard?

Everything else seems to work quite well and flow nicely, but the opening paragraph threw me off a little bit initially the way it was structured. Keep writing, you have a marvelous story with an intriguing premise.

Thank you so much for this, I greatly appreciate the feedback. My goal is to try and make it clear what's going on while also leaving readers to their imagination. Her eyes are indeed changing colors here and this is something that'll come up again (hopefully more clearly. Thank you so much for your kind feedback as well, every little bit counts

 

[KDBooks97]

I am now further into Chapter 7, one minor criticism here.

-'I went to the balcony, opened it, and looked outside just in time to see a small huddle of 'gleaners' going out into the wastes to scrape what fungus and plant life would grow on the glaciers and frosted sheets of ice nearby, and also to hunt whatever animal life was out there. This was a precautionary measure implemented by their queen since they had farms within the walls of the crater that, to my knowledge, were quite bountiful and pretty much ran themselves.'-

I love the way this passage flows, but why are they using this precautionary measure if the gardens are self-sustaining? Maybe a line about a previous famine or blight that wiped out the garden would add a bit of worldbuilding here.

-“Who among you speaks the common dialect?” I asked loudly across the crowd “If any among you speak it, please come forth!” Twelve people each raised their hands and came before me. “Whatever I speak, please translate it to your fellows so that they might understand.” It was common for there to be separate dialects across the many cities of my father’s rule. Some of them were so varied from the original tongue that they were practically separate languages.-

This is a prefect example of what I'm talking about that is missing in the gardens passage. The bolded line adds a little bit of context and doesn't break up the flow of the story. Well done!!

Thank you so much for this, I greatly appreciate the feedback. My goal is to try and make it clear what's going on while also leaving readers to their imagination. Her eyes are indeed changing colors here and this is something that'll come up again (hopefully more clearly. Thank you so much for your kind feedback as well, every little bit counts

I think the rest of the chapter does that well! Overall I love the story, please don't let my feedback, or that of naysayers, bring you down at all. You have done something here that VERY few people do well. You're simultaneously setting a scene, establishing characters and building this fantastical world. I love how things are developing, it doesn't feel rushed or forced. Good job!
Also, please do forgive any formatting errors in my posts. I haven't been on a forum in years (I was active in the Fanfiction.net forums 2011-2016ish). This is my first day on the Scribblehub forums, so I'm still learning the layout haha.

 

[Elsmere]

I am now further into Chapter 7, one minor criticism here.

-'I went to the balcony, opened it, and looked outside just in time to see a small huddle of 'gleaners' going out into the wastes to scrape what fungus and plant life would grow on the glaciers and frosted sheets of ice nearby, and also to hunt whatever animal life was out there. This was a precautionary measure implemented by their queen since they had farms within the walls of the crater that, to my knowledge, were quite bountiful and pretty much ran themselves.'-

I love the way this passage flows, but why are they using this precautionary measure if the gardens are self-sustaining? Maybe a line about a previous famine or blight that wiped out the garden would add a bit of worldbuilding here.

-“Who among you speaks the common dialect?” I asked loudly across the crowd “If any among you speak it, please come forth!” Twelve people each raised their hands and came before me. “Whatever I speak, please translate it to your fellows so that they might understand.” It was common for there to be separate dialects across the many cities of my father’s rule. Some of them were so varied from the original tongue that they were practically separate languages.-

This is a prefect example of what I'm talking about that is missing in the gardens passage. The bolded line adds a little bit of context and doesn't break up the flow of the story. Well done!!

I think the rest of the chapter does that well! Overall I love the story, please don't let my feedback, or that of naysayers, bring you down at all. You have done something here that VERY few people do well. You're simultaneously setting a scene, establishing characters and building this fantastical world. I love how things are developing, it doesn't feel rushed or forced. Good job!

Duly noted, this particular passage is laid out the way it is to point out that Cora doesn't know much about the city's provisions due to her maternal leave from her husband's side. Again, I can't thank you enough for your interest and support! Do you have any works you'd like for me to look over?

 

[KDBooks97]

Duly noted, this particular passage is laid out the way it is to point out that Cora doesn't know much about the city's provisions due to her maternal leave from her husband's side. Again, I can't thank you enough for your interest and support! Do you have any works you'd like for me to look over?

That context makes this whole passage make more sense now and is likely reader error rather then a flaw in your writing!

I only have the one work, but I do caution you if it is not your cup of tea, do not force yourself to read it. It deals with heavy themes of self-harm as well as various types of trauma. It is not graphic, but it does not shy away from these themes.

If you are interested, feel free to read as much or as little as you like. Any criticism is welcome; good, bad or indifferent. Please do not feel pressured in any way to read my story just because I've read yours.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

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[LowinKeshin]

This assessment is only from your first chapter as I haven't read the others yet.

I know you're here asking for feedback and criticism but let me first say that I like the family dynamic and your style of writing. I'm impressed.

For my feedback, slow down and take some time when introducing new words/terms. There are like 10 made-up words and that's not including the names of your characters. Don't drown your readers with information, you'll traumatize them long before they finish your chapter 1.

1.

“What more could they learn? They've had at least three decades of strong counsel from Magus Rom, tacticianary development from Alamu himself, government, literacy, music, and art from you, weapons training from Meseret, elemental control from Plecostomus, and weaponless combat from Vitaals. The whole kingdom has practically raised them!” Cora said at length, looking between our eldest and second-born.

Oh boy, that is so much to take in for a single sentence. Let's try breaking it down.

Magus Rom, counsel and tactician from Alamu, therefore, Alamu is good with strategies.
Meseret, good with weapons
Plecostomus, good with elemental control
Vitaals, good with weaponless combat

That's a lot of information to unpack from just a single sentence, and that's not including the character development you sneak in, which is not good at all. Always treat your potential readers as inattentive brats, you have to introduce these words slowly to them.

Maybe like this?

“What more could they learn when the whole kingdom has practically raised them?!” Cora asked beaming with pride, as she looked between our eldest and second-born. I couldn't help but smile with my wife.

Though, she raised a good point. Alamus *blah blah blah. Meseret *blah blah blah.

I hope you get my point. But please don't turn it into an info dump fest, I already like the small snippets you're giving out.

2.

I thought for a bit over this entourage of kings and queens who had taught my daughters everything they knew. In order, these teachers of my children were the Magus of the Nocturnas; the previous king and queen of the Darkness and Light Clans; one of the six Void regents; and the arbiter of the Metal Clan, all of whom were situated under my rule.

I am just guessing for this one but is Nocturnas the name of the kingdom? Other than that, not much complaints. A bit on the nose but it's fine.

This is the end of my feedback. Hope you like it. Oh and good luck with your writing!

 

[Elsmere]

This assessment is only from your first chapter as I haven't read the others yet.

I know you're here asking for feedback and criticism but let me first say that I like the family dynamic and your style of writing. I'm impressed.

For my feedback, slow down and take some time when introducing new words/terms. There are like 10 made-up words and that's not including the names of your characters. Don't drown your readers with information, you'll traumatize them long before they finish your chapter 1.

1.


Oh boy, that is so much to take in for a single sentence. Let's try breaking it down.

Magus Rom, counsel and tactician from Alamu, therefore, Alamu is good with strategies.
Meseret, good with weapons
Plecostomus, good with elemental control
Vitaals, good with weaponless combat

That's a lot of information to unpack from just a single sentence, and that's not including the character development you sneak in, which is not good at all. Always treat your potential readers as inattentive brats, you have to introduce these words slowly to them.

Maybe like this?

I hope you get my point. But please don't turn it into an info dump fest, I already like the small snippets you're giving out.

2.


I am just guessing for this one but is Nocturnas the name of the kingdom? Other than that, not much complaints. A bit on the nose but it's fine.

This is the end of my feedback. Hope you like it. Oh and good luck with your writing!

Thank you so much for the feedback. The point of this massive info-dump (which I will definitely try to work on) is to show a couple of things. First off, it's meant to sound exhausting because Cora is the only one really keeping track of her children's cross-continental education while trying to take care of a baby at the same time while her husband works on everything else relating to the Continent. It's meant to sound exhausted/ing and tedious with no real joy or pride associated with it, just extreme tiredness. This could probably be remedied a bit by adding who all of these people are to the Glossary along with cutting it down a tad. I probably should take that perspective of readers being like that, however, this was originally written assuming a little better of them. Again, thank you so much for the critique and the feedback.

 

[LowinKeshin]

Thank you so much for the feedback. The point of this massive info-dump (which I will definitely try to work on) is to show a couple of things. First off, it's meant to sound exhausting because Cora is the only one really keeping track of her children's cross-continental education while trying to take care of a baby at the same time while her husband works on everything else relating to the Continent. It's meant to sound exhausted/ing and tedious with no real joy or pride associated with it, just extreme tiredness. This could probably be remedied a bit by adding who all of these people are to the Glossary along with cutting it down a tad. I probably should take that perspective of readers being like that, however, this was originally written assuming a little better of them. Again, thank you so much for the critique and the feedback.

Oh, I like that tad bit of Cora, makes her more human, and believable. By the way, It's fine to do this kind of massive info-dumps once you already established your world to your readers. For the first chapters, you are still on the shaping up the world kind of stuff if you know what I mean? Ease them in first before reeling them in.