My ‘spidysense’ tells me something is wrong, yet I can not find the issue. Please help.

[ElijahRyne]

Hello, I was wondering if my if my newest chapter makes sense. I finished it and posted it, yet, I felt that something was off. Is there anything wrong with it? My instinct tells me yes, but I have re read it 20 or more times and find no problems. What I think is wrong, is character motivation and maybe even pacing. But, it may also be because this chapter lacks the flowery language I like to use, and I am making an issue from a drop of water. Still for some reason my ‘spidysense’ is going crazy. So please if it feels like something is missing or it makes no sense at all. Thank you!

Link to chapter in question:

Under the Tower! - Chapter 2 – That Damned Eye! | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Link to series:

Under the Tower!

What is the pit, what is the calamity? With a pinch of planar warfare, mystery cults, demons, gods and immortals. All this and more in Under the Tower! a story told in parts! Part 1 This part follows Andha Ild, a Fire mage, who gained his power from his family bloodline....

www.scribblehub.com

 

[SakeVision]

"Wtf bro?" I asked you sincerely, having finished reading this chapter of yours. "Do you always write like that?" I inquired, astonished. "Like what", you replied, not quite getting what I meant. "Putting multiple dialog lines in a single wall of text, you doofus" I exclaimed, frustrated. A random bird flew by, it was a rooster, and I marveled at how roosters even fly in the first place. "At any rate, you gotta format your stuff" I finally continued, still unable to take my mid off the meaty rooster thighs that flashed in front of my eyes "The paragraphs are there for a reason!"

 

[KiraMinoru]

"Wtf bro?" I asked you sincerely, having finished reading this chapter of yours. "Do you always write like that?" I inquired, astonished. "Like what", you replied, not quite getting what I meant. "Putting multiple dialog lines in a single wall of text, you doofus" I exclaimed, frustrated. A random bird flew by, it was a rooster, and I marveled at how roosters even fly in the first place. "At any rate, you gotta format your stuff" I finally continued, still unable to take my mid off the meaty rooster thighs that flashed in front of my eyes "The paragraphs are there for a reason!"

Spidysenses are malfunctioning. I see nothing wrong here... nothing at all...

Severe anxiety attack ensues from reading.

 

[ElijahRyne]

"Wtf bro?" I asked you sincerely, having finished reading this chapter of yours. "Do you always write like that?" I inquired, astonished. "Like what", you replied, not quite getting what I meant. "Putting multiple dialog lines in a single wall of text, you doofus" I exclaimed, frustrated. A random bird flew by, it was a rooster, and I marveled at how roosters even fly in the first place. "At any rate, you gotta format your stuff" I finally continued, still unable to take my mid off the meaty rooster thighs that flashed in front of my eyes "The paragraphs are there for a reason!"

“Oh, no!” I exclaim as the years I spent locked in my room by myself flash through my eyes. You jumped at my sudden exclamation after 20 minutes of silence. “I forgot that dialogue must be some what fluid.” I say as I finish my reflection. “No shit!” You say while hiding the rooster legs that you have yet to finish eating.

 

[KiraMinoru]

“Oh, no!” I exclaim as the years I spent locked in my room by myself flash through my eyes. You jumped at my sudden exclamation after 20 minutes of silence. “I forgot that dialogue must be some what fluid.” I say as I finish my reflection. “No shit!” You say while hiding the rooster legs that you have yet to finish eating.

He’s spot on though. Please don’t group chains of dialogue like this in thick blocks of paragraphs. It makes it very difficult to keep track of the speakers.

 

[ElijahRyne]

He’s spot on though. Please don’t group chains of dialogue like this in thick blocks of paragraphs. It makes it very difficult to keep track of the speakers.

Yep, I am editing it right now. Hopefully it flows better now!