Ankh
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Hi, I just published my new chapter, and I would like some constructive critique.
www.scribblehub.com
Need advice for my new chapter
- Thread starter Ankh
- Start date
I haven't done the entire chapter but I did find minor grammar things here and there.
Not to worry, most writers would prefer the grammar to be left to the editors since it tends to staccato the creative writing.
here's some of the grammar notes so far
---
She nodded. For the first time in a long time, she felt that maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.
(Comma after time, replaced you with she and put in past tense felt to match previous sentences)
Just then, Rose felt a jolt run through her body, like touching an exposed electrical wire.
(I put in a comma after then and shortened the sentence for brevity)
She tingled as the electric shock ran through her body as if searching for something. It didn’t hurt and after a couple of seconds, everything was back to normal.
(shiver is a response to cold or fear, electrical shock feels like tingling, pinching, twinging or near cramps - that's why I replaced shivered with tingled. Comma after seconds, took out comma after the word "and" (unless if the comma is intended as a reading prompt to slightly pause))
Rose frowned, she felt confused.
(comma after frowned, added in "she felt" to complete sentence.)
“What was that? There’s too much weird stuff going on these days.”
(period after the word days.)
“Here we are.”
(period after are.)
Before her, a brick-and-wood house loomed, two stories high with an attic and a balcony.
(Took out giant because the word loomed already implies a large size.)
Henry noticed her surprise and laughed, “Incredible isn’t it? It’s absurd to think nobody bought it. After tidying the house up, it will be wonderful.”
(I put in "the house," to improve the flow to the conversation.)
There's more but I didn't have time since I need to get some stuff done.
Good writing so far, keep it up :)
Not to worry, most writers would prefer the grammar to be left to the editors since it tends to staccato the creative writing.
here's some of the grammar notes so far
---
She nodded. For the first time in a long time, she felt that maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.
(Comma after time, replaced you with she and put in past tense felt to match previous sentences)
Just then, Rose felt a jolt run through her body, like touching an exposed electrical wire.
(I put in a comma after then and shortened the sentence for brevity)
She tingled as the electric shock ran through her body as if searching for something. It didn’t hurt and after a couple of seconds, everything was back to normal.
(shiver is a response to cold or fear, electrical shock feels like tingling, pinching, twinging or near cramps - that's why I replaced shivered with tingled. Comma after seconds, took out comma after the word "and" (unless if the comma is intended as a reading prompt to slightly pause))
Rose frowned, she felt confused.
(comma after frowned, added in "she felt" to complete sentence.)
“What was that? There’s too much weird stuff going on these days.”
(period after the word days.)
“Here we are.”
(period after are.)
Before her, a brick-and-wood house loomed, two stories high with an attic and a balcony.
(Took out giant because the word loomed already implies a large size.)
Henry noticed her surprise and laughed, “Incredible isn’t it? It’s absurd to think nobody bought it. After tidying the house up, it will be wonderful.”
(I put in "the house," to improve the flow to the conversation.)
There's more but I didn't have time since I need to get some stuff done.
Good writing so far, keep it up :)
StrongArm
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I think you could add more description and variation in your sentences. You kind of write in statements.
Your chapter reads like this:
~Rose walked down the road.
She looked at henry.
She asked Henry "What is good in life?"
He responded with all the wrong answers. ~
A different way you could write it might go something like this:
~ Rose wiped sweat from her brow with a thick fore-arm as she walked down the empty road alongside henry. It was a steamy august day, well above 90 degrees. Heat haze shimmered from the blacktop that felt warm even through her tennis shoes.
She turned her square, brick-jaw to look at her traveling companion.
Henry was a poor excuse for a man: with stick thin arms and a weak chin. Chicken legs and a whiny face that said "Punch me Mommy!". Rose was certain she could destroy him with her doomsday sized pectoral muscles alone.
Sneering at him, Rose places her thick fists on her wide hips and demands from Henry the ultimate question... "HENRY. What is good in life?"
Henry is taken aback by the sudden question and hesitates a moment before stammering out a timid answer. "Ah! ...U-uumm A g-good book. ...Avocado toast, and my Imagine Dragons record?"
Rose is furious, her heavy brows drew down in righteous indignation at his pathetic response.
'There is only one correct answer! To crush your enemies! - To see them driven before you! - And to hear the lamentation of the beta-males!' Thought Rose as she moved in front of the pathetic Henry, giving him a good view of her powerful muscles while she flexed and prepared to enlighten the weak man-let. The sun radiated down on gods-kissed muscles which were slick and shiny from sweat... ~
Your chapter reads like this:
~Rose walked down the road.
She looked at henry.
She asked Henry "What is good in life?"
He responded with all the wrong answers. ~
A different way you could write it might go something like this:
~ Rose wiped sweat from her brow with a thick fore-arm as she walked down the empty road alongside henry. It was a steamy august day, well above 90 degrees. Heat haze shimmered from the blacktop that felt warm even through her tennis shoes.
She turned her square, brick-jaw to look at her traveling companion.
Henry was a poor excuse for a man: with stick thin arms and a weak chin. Chicken legs and a whiny face that said "Punch me Mommy!". Rose was certain she could destroy him with her doomsday sized pectoral muscles alone.
Sneering at him, Rose places her thick fists on her wide hips and demands from Henry the ultimate question... "HENRY. What is good in life?"
Henry is taken aback by the sudden question and hesitates a moment before stammering out a timid answer. "Ah! ...U-uumm A g-good book. ...Avocado toast, and my Imagine Dragons record?"
Rose is furious, her heavy brows drew down in righteous indignation at his pathetic response.
'There is only one correct answer! To crush your enemies! - To see them driven before you! - And to hear the lamentation of the beta-males!' Thought Rose as she moved in front of the pathetic Henry, giving him a good view of her powerful muscles while she flexed and prepared to enlighten the weak man-let. The sun radiated down on gods-kissed muscles which were slick and shiny from sweat... ~
Syringe
Bluetooth 7 Enabled Holy Blade w/ Red Dot Sight
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Alrighty.
On top of what everyone said, you really need to fluff things up to let readers imagine the scene more vividly.
Your sentence structure feels off, and there's a lot of mistakes.
The writing on the billboard brought Rose back from thoughts of her.
- Sounds better as: The writing on the billboard brought Rose back from her thoughts.
- You had it in a way that made it sound like she was thinking about someone else.
The smell of the trees and earth was intoxicating, she took a deep breath invigorated.
- Doesn't sound right to me. I think something like: The earthy scent of the trees and soil was intoxicating. She took a deep breath, invigorated by it.
- Or even: She took a deep breath, invigorated by the earth scent of trees and soils. It was utterly intoxicating.
Also!
She nodded. For the first time in a long time you feel that maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.
- You're writing from a third person perspective, and you suddenly made it second person which is really, really jarring.
Overall, you need some form of buildup. It suddenly jump cuts to Rose touching an exposed wire while they're walking through the woods. I couldn't tell if it was from an electric fence, or something else entirely where this wire came from. Then they're suddenly in front of a house. A good build up of a scene lets us be right in there.
It helps to add a statement regarding their intentions, or maybe add that she was so lost in though that she simply didn't notice the wire. A conversation regarding this i.e "So, we're heading to X, right?" Would be another way to give us an idea on what's exactly happening in the scene. Dialogue is as powerful as narration.
On top of what everyone said, you really need to fluff things up to let readers imagine the scene more vividly.
Your sentence structure feels off, and there's a lot of mistakes.
The writing on the billboard brought Rose back from thoughts of her.
- Sounds better as: The writing on the billboard brought Rose back from her thoughts.
- You had it in a way that made it sound like she was thinking about someone else.
The smell of the trees and earth was intoxicating, she took a deep breath invigorated.
- Doesn't sound right to me. I think something like: The earthy scent of the trees and soil was intoxicating. She took a deep breath, invigorated by it.
- Or even: She took a deep breath, invigorated by the earth scent of trees and soils. It was utterly intoxicating.
Also!
She nodded. For the first time in a long time you feel that maybe the future wouldn’t be so bad.
- You're writing from a third person perspective, and you suddenly made it second person which is really, really jarring.
Overall, you need some form of buildup. It suddenly jump cuts to Rose touching an exposed wire while they're walking through the woods. I couldn't tell if it was from an electric fence, or something else entirely where this wire came from. Then they're suddenly in front of a house. A good build up of a scene lets us be right in there.
It helps to add a statement regarding their intentions, or maybe add that she was so lost in though that she simply didn't notice the wire. A conversation regarding this i.e "So, we're heading to X, right?" Would be another way to give us an idea on what's exactly happening in the scene. Dialogue is as powerful as narration.
Ankh
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You are my savior, thanks! English is not my native language, so I really needed that advice
This was absolutely perfect! Exactly what I needed to improve my writing. More description, variation and MUSCLES!
Some of the errors are because of the translator l, other because of my inexperience. I'm gonna take some time to fix and improve all the chapter before publishing another chapter. Thanks for your advice
Last edited:
Dearest_Violet
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This may just be me, but I find it rather hard to read with every sentence being on their own line... Maybe couple some together into a paragraph?Hi, I just published my new chapter, and I would like some constructive critique.
Unlocked - Chapter 4: New home | Scribble Hub
Ankh
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I'm working on it, i am trying to improve all the chapter before posting new chapter
