Posted my first story, looking for some feedback

[Arroww]

Hey everyone! As said in the title, I posted my first story ever and I'm looking for some feedback.

I would greatly appreciate if you could take some time to help me.

The Empire of Pale

For centuries, the Empire of Pale thrived under the reign of its Emperor. With their countless legions, the Paleans purged world after world of alien and heretic presence, creating a prospering realm made up of thousands of inhabited planets. But one day, the Empire is thrown into chaos and...

www.scribblehub.com

Thanks.

 

[Arroww]

 

[Deleted member 45782]

bump. someday hope you get someone to look into it.
uh...did you happen to delete it @Arroww ?

 

[Arroww]

bump. someday hope you get someone to look into it.
uh...did you happen to delete it @Arroww ?

Yeah, I deleted it. I was reaaaally not satisfied with the story. Instead I began a new story which I'm really invested in. It's called The Runic Knight!

 

[Deleted member 45782]

Yeah, I deleted it. I was reaaaally not satisfied with the story. Instead I began a new story which I'm really invested in. It's called The Runic Knight!

Ah i see. Well good luck with your new story. :)

 

[Motsu]

...don't delete it again.

 

[Arroww]

Ah i see. Well good luck with your new story. :)

Thanks!

 

[Snusmumriken]

Did a quick glance.
I am not very good at web novel format so I can't tell you if the chapters are too short or not (imo for me they are more like scenes of the chapter than a chapter itself). but they clearly have a form that works and their own internal pacing with a clear ending, so good job there.

I've noticed a few mistakes here and there, mostly the tenses and possessives as far as I recall, so if you want to branch out to RRL you might want to get a beta reader.

The biggest issue that was glaring at me was the lack of drive. You did not expand on the reasons why the MC is doing what he is doing at all beyond the synopsis. and I believe that is not enough. You need to tell the readers what MC is looking for, what is he running away from, what is he challenged by on the grand scale of things.

 

[Arroww]

Did a quick glance.
I am not very good at web novel format so I can't tell you if the chapters are too short or not (imo for me they are more like scenes of the chapter than a chapter itself). but they clearly have a form that works and their own internal pacing with a clear ending, so good job there.

I've noticed a few mistakes here and there, mostly the tenses and possessives as far as I recall, so if you want to branch out to RRL you might want to get a beta reader.

The biggest issue that was glaring at me was the lack of drive. You did not expand on the reasons why the MC is doing what he is doing at all beyond the synopsis. and I believe that is not enough. You need to tell the readers what MC is looking for, what is he running away from, what is he challenged by on the grand scale of things.

Thanks for the reply, I appreciate your feedback!