Seeking Feedback on Chapter 1

[Arielathen]

Good afternoon,

As my title suggests, I'm looking for some feedback on the first chapter of my book.

While I hope it's well-received, I understand that there are different strokes for different folks.

That being said, if you have a moment and wouldn't mind reading my first chapter, the link is below. It's about 2500 words.

Thanks!

--- Arielathen


Memora (LitRPG) | Scribble Hub

 

[Verdant]

The ‘unchosen’ class is honestly the most unique rpg class I’ve seen in a while. It’s essentially a class in which the user takes the abilities of the unknown, the abilities never used. It’s very fascinating and reflects the themes of mystery and uncertainty in the novel.
The fight against the monster felt thrilling and brutal, the protagonist barely even survived and it was LITERALLY the first battle in the novel.
Grammar and prose is great as well.
5/5! I’ll definitely keep an eye on your novel

 

[seahorsepink1]

Good afternoon,

As my title suggests, I'm looking for some feedback on the first chapter of my book.

While I hope it's well-received, I understand that there are different strokes for different folks.

That being said, if you have a moment and wouldn't mind reading my first chapter, the link is below. It's about 2500 words.

Thanks!

--- Arielathen


Memora (LitRPG) | Scribble Hub

Good writing. I skimmed through, and I found a problem you need to work on;
> you're telling, not showing. What you need to do is show instead of tell what the characters are feeling straight up. (Basically, don't be straightforward.)

Here's an extremely basic example:

WRONG --
He grew angry at the children's taunting and yelled, "Shut your MOUTHS." The children recoiled in fear, and they ran away as he continued, "Before I RIP OFF YOUR VOCAL CHORDS."

RIGHT --
His face reddened at the children's taunting. He furrowed his brows, and his face resembled a fierce predator as he yelled, "Shut your MOUTHS."
The children recoiled with pale, aghast faces.
They ran away as he continued, "Before I RIP OFF YOUR VOCAL CHORDS."