Hello everyone!
I've decided to share my story with you, and I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback. I hope you enjoy it, but I'm also open to constructive criticism to make it even better.
Story: [Quick Save]
An ordinary man who is fond of games wakes up after an electric shock and realizes that he is in the body of another person in another world. It turns out that he is in the future, where technology is more advanced. The previous owner of the body got into...
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I'm interested in your opinion on the following aspects:
- Writing Style: How readable is the text? Is there anything that could be improved in the narrative style?
- Flaws and Errors: If you noticed any shortcomings or mistakes, I would appreciate you pointing them out. I'm willing to learn and grow.
- Reasons you might not continue reading: If there are moments where you don't feel like continuing to read, please share them.
Thank you all for taking the time to provide feedback! Your input is crucial to me.
I took a look at the Synopsis and chapter 1.
(Writing Style)
What you have is more a documentary than a story. It feels like a person is talking to a camera crew and a news reporter giving updates with a small mount of personal history. The question that comes from me is - was this the intention? What kind of narrative did you want to provide?
(Flaws and errors:)
First - you tense shift quite a bit. Within the same paragraph, sometimes within the same sentence. While its acceptable in some circles to flip between present and past tense, the articles I have read suggest you do it per paragraph if at all.
Personally, I suggest pick one and stick with it for consistency.
I would also suggest taking all of the short sentences and combine them into organized thoughts that relate to one another.
The thoughts just seem all over the place.
"Where am I?" he spoke aloud.
This hits me odd. Anytime I have used quotes it's typically assumed that its a person speaking, unless you change specifically to make it an internal thought.
Which you seemed to have figured out later, since the rest of the MC's speech doesn't have the delineation of speaking aloud.
I am still confused as to why this is there:
If he's suddenly remembering something, that is one thing. Having speech with nothing in it tells the reader nothing. If it were to join two parts of a conversation, I can see using something like that with a thought or action between it. As it is, You have a sudden memory - that - and then the action of feeling his neck.
Which also brings me to the order of things. Why isn't this part of when 'Nero' got his first memory back? It's randomly after the brief history of this alternate Earth.
(Reasons for not reading further.)
Right now as the first chapter reads, there is nothing that holds my interest. You have a random drunk waking up, some mild confusion, a tangent into the dead persons life for a few seconds, a sudden realization that the new inhabitant of 'Nero' knowing he jumped to another body and world - somehow - then gets chewed out by another guy about not being at work for two days.
And some how knowing he can save the game or rewind time to another state.
It seems to lurch from one subject to another with no transition, no understanding.
You seem to have the imagination to present this story, so take your time and do it.
Be well, I hope this helps.
