Verdante’s Pub (Share 333 words of your story for feedback)

[Verdante]

I’m back shamelessly stealing ideas from Reddit . The title says it, share any 333 word excerpt of your story and I’ll tell you what I think! I’m not a grammar person, so don’t expect that. I will tell you what I think about your character/s, the flow of your scene and other things that do not involve grammar (it might, but that's not my main focus).

Rules:
1. Post one at a time. Wait for someone else to comment before you post another excerpt. If you post two things at once, I will only give feedback on one.

2. One user can only share excerpts three times. This may change depending on how many people share.

3. Feedback may take a long time. I’m currently working on other things so please be patient!

4. My feedback is only my opinion. One reader. Not a professional. You can use it or toss it. Your story, your call.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Sure! I am just picking the first part of the prologue lol

Spoiler: Thing

Callid looked across the vast plain where the two enemies stood. A crimson eyed woman with flowing black robes, and a furred beast at least twice her size with a wolf’s head stood next to her.

Callid almost couldn’t believe that the king dished out this whole battalion for two creatures, both of them night creatures. And yet, they stand here midday.

He looked at the rest of the front rank to his left and his right. All of them had beads of sweat running down their foreheads. All of the men in plate armor, led by their studded armored leader on a white horse, were trembling from just two opponents. Callid noticed that even his own forehead was becoming moistened.

But he wasn’t scared. He told himself he wasn’t scared. That’s right, I have this protective pendant. He reached under his breastplate, and clutched the pendant at his neck held by a thin chain. It had saved him numerous times, even when his life was teetering from the Mortal Plains towards Sanctuary. It had saved him from the loving embrace of their Gods to fight in another battle. He thought it was rubbish. But I have a family.

He looked back across the plain, and the two enemies still stood there, unmoving. The crimson demon and her dog stood vigilant, but she didn’t seem worried at all. Callid wondered how she could just stand there unshaken when faced with 400 of the king’s finest.

The words of their commander broke him from his reverie. He blasted his voice from an enchanted trumpet, across the way, into the ears of their enemy.

“The king has but one question to ask of you!” The vampire stood there unphased as the commander continued. “For what reason did you crawl back out of damnation!?”

The girl, no, monster in girl’s clothing, smirked. She didn’t open her mouth; instead, she slowly lifted her arm, pointing at the battalion.

She lipped some words to her furred demon, and

 

[Verdante]

I’m going to first summarize what I think is happening in the scene, so feel free to correct me here if I get anything wrong. Callid is one of the 400 knights dispatched to fight against the vampire girl and the beast demon. Callid mentioned a precious pendant that saved him in the past. The commander made the first move by asking the vampire why she resurfaced, but it didn’t seem like she wanted to talk.

After reading the excerpt, I am interested in the backstory of the vampire and why the king seemed so scared of her. It seemed she was sleeping for a while before she decided to attack. I like the idea of 400 knights scared to fight against these 2 creatures! It immediately sets up how powerful they are. I also like the addition of the pendant and how it might help Callid out even if the other knights died.

A few nitpicks! I think this paragraph could be shortened if you want to subtly introduce the pendant.

Spoiler: Thing

That’s right, I have this protective pendant. He reached under his breastplate, and clutched the pendant at his neck held by a thin chain. It had saved him numerous times, even when his life was teetering from the Mortal Plains towards Sanctuary. It had saved him from the loving embrace of their Gods to fight in another battle. He thought it was rubbish. But I have a family.

When I was reading it, I immediately knew the pendant would be important and skimmed the rest of the paragraph.

For the second strikethrough I thought it was a little redundant since it was already mentioned that the pendant saved him from going to mortal plains to the sanctuary. I can see the set up for the idea of multiple Gods though, but maybe there’s a different way to incorporate it into the prologue?

Lastly, I’m a bit unclear about what the last two sentences mean. Does it mean he didn’t believe in the power of the pendant but chose to do so because he has a family waiting for him?

But overall, I like the set up and the immediate conflict right from the start! There seems to be animosity between the vampire and the king. I’m intrigued by how the Gods would play a role in the story

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

I’m going to first summarize what I think is happening in the scene, so feel free to correct me here if I get anything wrong. Callid is one of the 400 knights dispatched to fight against the vampire girl and the beast demon. Callid mentioned a precious pendant that saved him in the past. The commander made the first move by asking the vampire why she resurfaced, but it didn’t seem like she wanted to talk.

After reading the excerpt, I am interested in the backstory of the vampire and why the king seemed so scared of her. It seemed she was sleeping for a while before she decided to attack. I like the idea of 400 knights scared to fight against these 2 creatures! It immediately sets up how powerful they are. I also like the addition of the pendant and how it might help Callid out even if the other knights died.

A few nitpicks! I think this paragraph could be shortened if you want to subtly introduce the pendant.


When I was reading it, I immediately knew the pendant would be important and skimmed the rest of the paragraph.

For the second strikethrough I thought it was a little redundant since it was already mentioned that the pendant saved him from going to mortal plains to the sanctuary. I can see the set up for the idea of multiple Gods though, but maybe there’s a different way to incorporate it into the prologue?

Lastly, I’m a bit unclear about what the last two sentences mean. Does it mean he didn’t believe in the power of the pendant but chose to do so because he has a family waiting for him?

But overall, I like the set up and the immediate conflict right from the start! There seems to be animosity between the vampire and the king. I’m intrigued by how the Gods would play a role in the story

No, the last two sentences are sort of intentionally a bit difficult to understand. But what it means is that he thinks it's rubbish he keeps living each battle, and that's why he thinks after "but I have a family." He doesn't want to keep fighting in the military and surviving, but he has a family. I can't cut out the part about saving him from the loving embrace of their Gods. If I did it would make it even harder for any reader to get this meaning from it.

He wants the loving embrace of their Gods. That's why it's rubbish to him he keeps living. Does that make sense?

When I was reading it, I immediately knew the pendant would be important and skimmed the rest of the paragraph.

Oh, but I can cut out "protective pendant" since he would likely just have the thought "I have this."

 

[Verdante]

No, the last two sentences are sort of intentionally a bit difficult to understand. But what it means is that he thinks it's rubbish he keeps living each battle, and that's why he thinks after "but I have a family." He doesn't want to keep fighting in the military and surviving, but he has a family. I can't cut out the part about saving him from the loving embrace of their Gods. If I did it would make it even harder for any reader to get this meaning from it.

He wants the loving embrace of their Gods. That's why it's rubbish to him he keeps living. Does that make sense?

It makes sense now that you explained it, but I wouldn't have gotten that meaning from the paragraph since he was thinking about one subject (the pendant) and how he was grateful for it saving his life but then shifts to thinking about another (the worthlessness of the battle) without a clear transition as to what the 'it' is. But if it's intention to keep the sentences obscure, that's your choice!

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

It makes sense now that you explained it, but I wouldn't have gotten that meaning from the paragraph since he was thinking about one subject (the pendant) and how he was grateful for it saving his life but then shifts to thinking about another (the worthlessness of the battle) without a clear transition as to what the it is. But if it's intention to keep the sentences obscure, that's your choice!

It's still the same topic. As you will learn it's called the Lucky Pendant, so he got lucky because of the pendant. Which is why he survived those times. So there is no transition. It's rubbish that the pendant keeps saving him from the Gods, but it's great that it's his savior to be able to live for his family.

Anyway, thanks for taking your time!

 

[AdOtherwise]

I’m back shamelessly stealing ideas from Reddit . The title says it, share any 333 word excerpt of your story and I’ll tell you what I think! I’m not a grammar person, so don’t expect that. I will tell you what I think about your character/s, the flow of your scene and other things that do not involve grammar (it might, but that's not my main focus).

Rules:
1. Post one at a time. Wait for someone else to comment before you post another excerpt. If you post two things at once, I will only give feedback on one.

2. One user can only share excerpts three times. This may change depending on how many people share.

3. Feedback may take a long time. I’m currently working on other things so please be patient!

4. My feedback is only my opinion. One reader. Not a professional. You can use it or toss it. Your story, your call.

This is a chapter that recently released so it's in the middle of things. I'm only confident about my current writing so I hope you like it.

Spoiler

Two empty eye sockets stared deep into Cain's soul, a bone-chilling gaze that drained all feeling from his body.


'I really need to humble myself. This is where big ideas get me...'


The giant holding him in its palm remained calm and silent, emanating the aura of Death, the absence of life.


Unironically, Cain felt serene and peaceful. If not for his body and soul trembling before Death, he might have even welcomed the idea of dying. However, Death ran counter to the nature of Life.


It was a plunge into the uncharted.


In the silence, Cain focused on studying the silent Horror.


Death's bones appeared to be made of a slightly hazy and translucent material. As his gaze lingered near the skull, he could discern beautiful and vibrant patterns decorating the creature's skull and shoulders.


Yet he could only look for a moment before excruciating pain pierced his mind.


Stepping back and averting his gaze to prevent further agony, Cain decided that the best course of action was to remain in his place. He knelt with his head lowered.


He couldn't discern how long the preceding silence had lasted; that feeling long since escaped him.


Only after this protracted silence did an ancient, flat voice echo into the abyss, causing even the darkness to shudder. Its jaw dropped and the sound exited, but the sound itself was distorted and terrifying.


"Good. Very Good."


As Death's words entered his ears, Cain felt his mind splitting. He bit his tongue, feeling warm blood trickle from his mouth and ears.


'Damn it, bad idea!'


He wanted to flee, but he knew he had lost that chance. Now he had to confront death, one of the Primordial Horrors that even the Dream Lord dreaded.


"The seed comes back. The future is set, dreams will die!"


Death's revelation came as a shock to Cain. His voice was no longer as unbearable and instead felt a bit incomprehensible, similar to the patterns on its skull.

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

Here are my 333 words. The passage is a bit strong and violent, definitely not for everyone. If it's an issue, feel free to ignore it.

Spoiler

"Daydreams are not allowed, Luysia. No escaping reality."
With a resounding slap to the face, so forceful that it nearly fractures her cheekbone, Luysia is jerked back into reality.
The horrific reality.
Hell.
"N-no... please... s-stop..."
Only a hint of tears. She has run out of fluids.
Luysia is now just the shadow of what she once was.
An empty and filthy shell.
Her mind is shattered, unable to reason or express complex thoughts.
She lost count after the umpteenth jab into the doll, of how many times she came dangerously close to death.
The excruciating pain has wiped away any hope, pride, or duty.
Luysia is no more.
In her place is madness, hunger, thirst, and agony.


When she had almost started to get used to the pain, the man began to torture her in another way.
"Let's play a game. Poison endurance!" he announced excitedly.
Strauss Wagner injected substances into her through a syringe.
Then he observed her reaction to the poison.
He noted it down in a notebook.
When she was about to die, he injected the antidote.
"There is no salvation in death for you."
Each poison had different effects.
The first one made her feel her veins burning as if they were clogged and no more blood was flowing.
With the second, her skin froze, and she couldn't stop shivering.
The third one caused epileptic seizures, and foam began to pour from her mouth.
The fourth one burst her capillaries, making blood come out of every orifice.
The fifth one blocked her lungs, causing her to suffocate.
In each case, when she thought she was finally close to death, the man would heal her.


At some point, she stopped hoping.
She stopped praying.
She stopped thinking.
Only pain.
Only suffering.
Meanwhile, her mind was shattering.


"Why am I doing this to you? Why am I so wicked? How many times have you asked me that while I tortured you?" Strauss Wagner speaks as he takes a moment to rest after the intense torture session.

 

[Verdante]

Okay! I'm going to put this under spoiler since you said it's an excerpt from a recent chapter.

Spoiler: Feedback

I’m gonna start off by summarizing what I think is happening in this excerpt, so feel free to correct me in this regard:
Cain is in the presence of Death, struggling to figure out how to interact with him. Then, Death gives him a revelation and possibly more, but Cain is not able to understand what Death says next.

What I liked:
I like your descriptions of Death and how its presence affects Cain! I think this is a great way to show how powerful Death is and I could feel the pain Cain feels when Death talks. I’m intrigued by why Cain feels peaceful upon being in the presence of Death and if it was an ability of this being or if they have some connection together.

As his gaze lingered near the skull, he could discern beautiful and vibrant patterns decorating the creature's skull and shoulders.

Death's revelation came as a shock to Cain. His voice was no longer as unbearable and instead felt a bit incomprehensible, similar to the patterns on its skull.

I liked how you referred back to Death’s appearance when you talked about the change in his voice. I personally like it when stories do this because it makes it easier to remember the little details about the character.

Little nitpicks:

“The giant... emanating the aura of Death, the absence of life.”

Death imo is a bit redundant here since you’re already mentioning Death the paragraph after this, so I think readers would be able to understand you’re talking about it even if you remove it. Instead of ‘emanating the aura of Death’ maybe you can replace it with ‘emanating an aura devoid of life’. But if you want to keep it that way, that’s also fine!

“Death's revelation came as a shock to Cain. His voice was no longer as unbearable and instead felt a bit incomprehensible, similar to the patterns on its skull.”

For this one, I kinda wish there’s more description about the change in Death’s voice relative to Cain. So since Cain felt his mind splitting when Death spoke, maybe you can describe the pain easing up and if that meant completely painless just slightly less painful.

Overall, I like your descriptions and the flow of the scene. Reading Cain’s inner thoughts is amusing especially because he’s active in a sense that he’s trying to figure out what to do about his current situation + his self-awareness haha!

Here are my 333 words. The passage is a bit strong and violent, definitely not for everyone. If it's an issue, feel free to ignore it.

Did you edit the excerpt? It's shorter than I remember . I'm fine with what you had earlier, I just haven't gotten the time to sit down and read through the whole thing! Feel free to put it back on

Here are my 333 words. The passage is a bit strong and violent, definitely not for everyone. If it's an issue, feel free to ignore it.

First of all, damn. Second of all, I hope for Luysia’s successful escape and/or revenge .

The change in tenses to show the flashback is great. I liked the repetition with the third paragraph, similar to how she had been tortured repeatedly. I also love your transition from the past to the present in that paragraph.

In this short excerpt, I was able to understand and feel the endless torture Luysia experienced. I’m incredibly intrigued how this situation came about and who Strauss Wagner even is (I already hate the man). Multiple torture methods and him writing down things gives off mad scientist vibes. Also, call me a sadist but I really liked how you described multiple torture methods he used. My stomach dropped for Luysia enduring all of that. I think you’ve done a great job of eliciting emotions from your writing (at least from me).

Some nitpicks:
I personally don’t have any issues with how you wrote in the excerpt. I think you’ve done great in what you wanted to show the readers: Luysia’s mind shattering from endless torture.

However, I noticed one thing that may become an issue in the future. There was no description/inclusion of the setting. It works for this excerpt because Luysia was not in the right mind and she probably wouldn’t care about what the room looks like. But a lot of readers like to visualize/be immersed in a book so it might help to add sensory details here and there. It does seem like you have a specific writing style, so feel free to toss that if it doesn't work for your particular style.

 

[AdOtherwise]

Okay! I'm going to put this under spoiler since you said it's an excerpt from a recent chapter.

Spoiler: Feedback

I’m gonna start off by summarizing what I think is happening in this excerpt, so feel free to correct me in this regard:
Cain is in the presence of Death, struggling to figure out how to interact with him. Then, Death gives him a revelation and possibly more, but Cain is not able to understand what Death says next.

What I liked:
I like your descriptions of Death and how its presence affects Cain! I think this is a great way to show how powerful Death is and I could feel the pain Cain feels when Death talks. I’m intrigued by why Cain feels peaceful upon being in the presence of Death and if it was an ability of this being or if they have some connection together.



I liked how you referred back to Death’s appearance when you talked about the change in his voice. I personally like it when stories do this because it makes it easier to remember the little details about the character.

Little nitpicks:

“The giant... emanating the aura of Death, the absence of life.”

Death imo is a bit redundant here since you’re already mentioning Death the paragraph after this, so I think readers would be able to understand you’re talking about it even if you remove it. Instead of ‘emanating the aura of Death’ maybe you can replace it with ‘emanating an aura devoid of life’. But if you want to keep it that way, that’s also fine!

“Death's revelation came as a shock to Cain. His voice was no longer as unbearable and instead felt a bit incomprehensible, similar to the patterns on its skull.”

For this one, I kinda wish there’s more description about the change in Death’s voice relative to Cain. So since Cain felt his mind splitting when Death spoke, maybe you can describe the pain easing up and if that meant completely painless just slightly less painful.

Overall, I like your descriptions and the flow of the scene. Reading Cain’s inner thoughts is amusing especially because he’s active in a sense that he’s trying to figure out what to do about his current situation + his self-awareness haha!

Did you edit the excerpt? It's shorter than I remember . I'm fine with what you had earlier, I just haven't gotten the time to sit down and read through the whole thing! Feel free to put it back on

First of all, damn. Second of all, I hope for Luysia’s successful escape and/or revenge .

The change in tenses to show the flashback is great. I liked the repetition with the third paragraph, similar to how she had been tortured repeatedly. I also love your transition from the past to the present in that paragraph.

In this short excerpt, I was able to understand and feel the endless torture Luysia experienced. I’m incredibly intrigued how this situation came about and who Strauss Wagner even is (I already hate the man). Multiple torture methods and him writing down things gives off mad scientist vibes. Also, call me a sadist but I really liked how you described multiple torture methods he used. My stomach dropped for Luysia enduring all of that. I think you’ve done a great job of eliciting emotions from your writing (at least from me).

Some nitpicks:
I personally don’t have any issues with how you wrote in the excerpt. I think you’ve done great in what you wanted to show the readers: Luysia’s mind shattering from endless torture.

However, I noticed one thing that may become an issue in the future. There was no description/inclusion of the setting. It works for this excerpt because Luysia was not in the right mind and she probably wouldn’t care about what the room looks like. But a lot of readers like to visualize/be immersed in a book so it might help to add sensory details here and there. It does seem like you have a specific writing style, so feel free to toss that if it doesn't work for your particular style.

Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it. Just so you know, there are descriptions of Death's voice relative to Cain but it's later in the chapter.

 

[Verdante]

Thank you so much. I'm glad you liked it. Just so you know, there are descriptions of Death's voice relative to Cain but it's later in the chapter.

Oh, I see. It’s fine to leave it as is then And you’re welcome!

 

[Amrasil207]

Hello there, I was browsing through the forum and found this thread. So I just wanna share my 333 words excerpt, it definitely includes strong language...


...I'm out." He just leave his position and ran away. His fellow bandits all jeered at his cowardice, but hey? More pay cut on them eh? Fortune favors the bold, and this scaly coward is actually a chicken.

"What a spineless coward... Say, shouldn't we eliminate him?"

"Who cares, we can do it later. Now be quiet..."

They are waiting... and waiting... and waiting... before someone screamed with complete alarm into their unified radio. The voice is a mix of shock and fright; fear and abject misery.

[Holy fucking shit! Red Tails Bail! BAIL! BAIL!]

Suddenly the red tails are all running away, that's a good 30-ish people deserting while some can be seen to be crying and screaming incoherently. Naturally the rest of the bandits are all confused and fearful, but it was immediately answered when they can finally see clearly through the damnable dust cloud...

Her attire is that of Grey and black military uniform. A giant bow was strapped on her back, while one of her hand is clutching on her originium carbine tightly. Her bike is also strapped with all sorts of weaponry, and most importantly... An ashen haired Pythian can be seen to grinning madly, her eyes shows nothing but a promise to deliver maximum level of pain and suffering.

They felt chill down their very spine, this is one of Terra underworld's most wanted woman. Her bounty was that of 120 Million LMD, the last time they checked was 4 months ago, yet no one is insane enough to try and nab her. This wanted woman is none other than Nyx, the Grey Serpent herself in the flesh. Her exploit and utter cruelty is just not worth it and even the cockiest sack of shits knows that to challenge her is like fighting a catastrophe, if said catastrophe has penchant for self-righteous justice and sadistic revelry.

The first one to wake themselves up from their stupor, only to confront nightmare screamed at the top of their lungs.

 

[LuoirM]

171 words!

Spoiler: Warning: NSFW

I felt uncomfortabe sitting down on his face, rather the expection was really weird. Have you ever sit down on something that can open its mouth and eat your genital before? I have not, and the thought of experiencing it was rather scary. I tried to conjure up the courage needed for this act of bravery, but god this is embarrassing, just hanging my crotch right above someone's eyes, the more I hestitate the more I couldn't do it and lower myself down.

"It's dripping." Trek commented, turning his head away.

"Shut up." I replied.

"..." I took a deep breath, and finally have to ask of him, "Can you just unexpectedly pull me down? I can't... Bring myself to sit down."

"Sure I can do that. Ready?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Three, two, one."

".....Huh? Why didn't you pul-."

yoink

"Eek! Fuck-"

I asked for an unexpected pull, and my man Trek delivered. He counted down from three for me to brace but only pull after I've lowered my guard down.

 

[Corty]

Spoiler: 333 words exactly.

"No, and start dressing up!" I groaned, and it was Oleg who had to forcefully put the clothes back on Yuri, who acted more like a kid with massive tantrum issues than a killer bandit leader.

"It... it was just a lie?" Luna asked again, her eyes going back and forth between us, and I couldn't read her thoughts. Was she disgusted? Afraid? Disappointed? Her mismatched eyes were displaying a way too varied range of emotions.

"Duh. I told you she isn't completely normal in the head. Anyway, the problem was averted! Let's go; I still want you to lead us around the city a little! I want to see the parts you think are interesting!"

"But... if they retell it... a rumor and your reputation... and..." Luna stuttered, trying to comprehend it.

"It would matter if I cared about it. But I don't! So let's go; it's time to move on!"

I watched Luna lead us back down, her brain trying to make sense of what just happened while I paid, giving a little tip. I could sense the nervousness in our little waitress and in the owner as they expected a fight to break out. It could have easily made it so their lives were over, along with their business.

"Daaaamn..." I moaned after we were out, patting my shrunken coin purse on my waist. "I didn't know the city would be this expensive! Half of my coins are gone from lunch?! What's wrong with this place?! Were we scammed?!" I complained, making Luna blush, my ranting interrupted by Yuri, who was still breathing heavily.

"I can rob us some fools... ah... Let's find those idiots and kill them; their clothes would sell for sure!"

"W-w-w-what?!" Luna yelled like a cat whose tail had been stepped on.

"No killing." I knocked on Yuri's head, which made her moan, "Plus, you would ruin the silk, and with bloody, torn fabric, you could not make any profit. Idiot."

"Then we just kill them!"

 

[MatchaChocolate69]

Did you edit the excerpt? It's shorter than I remember . I'm fine with what you had earlier, I just haven't gotten the time to sit down and read through the whole thing! Feel free to put it back on

I modified the post because the spoiler was giving me an error, and unfortunately, it still does. It seems to cut off the text. Sometimes the expand button appears, other times it doesn't. Maybe it's a bug? Anyway, I haven't modified the passage.

First of all, damn. Second of all, I hope for Luysia’s successful escape and/or revenge .

The change in tenses to show the flashback is great. I liked the repetition with the third paragraph, similar to how she had been tortured repeatedly. I also love your transition from the past to the present in that paragraph.

In this short excerpt, I was able to understand and feel the endless torture Luysia experienced. I’m incredibly intrigued how this situation came about and who Strauss Wagner even is (I already hate the man). Multiple torture methods and him writing down things gives off mad scientist vibes. Also, call me a sadist but I really liked how you described multiple torture methods he used. My stomach dropped for Luysia enduring all of that. I think you’ve done a great job of eliciting emotions from your writing (at least from me).

Thank you so much, your words really make me happy. I'm glad that the piece was able to convey and make you feel these emotions. This is what I aspire to with my writing, and sometimes I succeed. Often I don't, but it's all part of the game.

Some nitpicks:
I personally don’t have any issues with how you wrote in the excerpt. I think you’ve done great in what you wanted to show the readers: Luysia’s mind shattering from endless torture.

However, I noticed one thing that may become an issue in the future. There was no description/inclusion of the setting. It works for this excerpt because Luysia was not in the right mind and she probably wouldn’t care about what the room looks like. But a lot of readers like to visualize/be immersed in a book so it might help to add sensory details here and there. It does seem like you have a specific writing style, so feel free to toss that if it doesn't work for your particular style.

Legitimate criticism, and you are absolutely right. I am aware of this flaw of mine. I am not good at describing places, in fact, I am quite bad at it, and I don't enjoy doing it. It bores me, but it is true that it is an important thing to do for the readers. I will have to work on it.

****

Thank you, Verdante, for taking the precious time to provide me with this feedback; I sincerely appreciate it.

 

[Verdante]

I modified the post because the spoiler was giving me an error, and unfortunately, it still does. It seems to cut off the text. Sometimes the expand button appears, other times it doesn't. Maybe it's a bug? Anyway, I haven't modified the passage.

Thank you so much, your words really make me happy. I'm glad that the piece was able to convey and make you feel these emotions. This is what I aspire to with my writing, and sometimes I succeed. Often I don't, but it's all part of the game.



Legitimate criticism, and you are absolutely right. I am aware of this flaw of mine. I am not good at describing places, in fact, I am quite bad at it, and I don't enjoy doing it. It bores me, but it is true that it is an important thing to do for the readers. I will have to work on it.

****

Thank you, Verdante, for taking the precious time to provide me with this feedback; I sincerely appreciate it.

You’re welcome! Goodluck with your work

 

[Shrimp_eater]

Ok, was going to post part of the prologue, but it would cut off in bad part. So here's a random point:

A certain office in an underground lab. A woman held her chin as if deep in thought, gesture that filled with refinement and elegance. Her hair, adorned with a large pointy hat, let out a subtle hue in dark shades of green.

A teapot floated in front of the girl sitting across this woman, pouring its contents into the teacup she held in her thin hands. It was followed by a spoonful of sugar, then some stirring. The witch proceeded to do the same for herself afterwards.

It was a similar display to the one Dailah had watched yesterday night, yet this one was done with far more leisure and grace. Natural, considering the person in front of her was of much higher rank and had far more experience than Mimi.

Mariane finally spoke up after some silence.

"A witch controlling the mice like marionettes.... was it?"

Holding the teacup with her fingers, she slowly took a sip, her eyes closed as if savoring it. Then continued.

"Impossible."

"...."

Dailah expected to have her idea shut down in some way. A witch controlling the rats as if they were puppets? It did sound too far-fetched.

It was one thing to control forks and the wooden arms of dolls, but a living being? A pigeon would never let some outsider's magical string flap its wings for them, not without a struggle at least.

Still, she had to ask, if only to get second opinions.

"However..." - the woman followed through with her thoughts, looking at an empty spot to her side - "There are witches capable of manipulating and controling animals through their minds. A form of hypnosis or charm magic to put it simply."

"Then....!"

"Still, very unlikely."

".........."

Mariane explained after taking another sip.

"It is a difficult type of magic to practice. Very few witches can do it skillfully. The few that were able to reach greater heights in that area can only control a handful of small animals at most, or a couple of-

 

[P.R.S]

This is the first chapter, the more the story progress they get longer (Its my first time writting the story i am making and i am not native english speaker) any feedback criticism is good, also first day and time on this site- ahem

(Gayoul)-*cough* "How... how could you do that to him... how could you do that to then!"

(??)-"I just did what i said, there is no salvation to you now Gayoul... and for all of your friends that escaped with Oreo, i will just let you know that i will put a end to their existence shortly after i finish with you"

(Gayoul)-"I will never forgive you for all of this!!!"

Gayoul rushs using his sword, swinging her with all his strenght

(??)-"Poor Gayoul... so determined, so pathetic, so weak, soo..." *grabs Gayoul arm* "fragile..." *shaters the bones of his right arm* "atleast you tried Gayoul..."

(Gayoul)-*falls to his knees* "Magnus was right about you, youre not just a monster, youre evil and insane" *cries in pain"

(??)-"Yeah, i know right... such a shame Magnus dint resist that much...
Well, Atleast i am sure he is watching you and all of his friends suffer"

(??)-"Now... could you please just die already?" *kicks Gayoul*

(??)-"Seens like our time is coming to a end, Vera is getting close" *stabs Gayoul* "your soul will be of great help to me for now"

(Gayoul)-"I... hope... you suffer a lot in Veras hand... Darkness..." *stops breathing*

(Darkness?)-"Probably, i feel like its not this time i will win anyways..." *rips Gayoul soul out of his body*

His body became stone and in the next second it shatered into multiple pieces

(Darkness?)-"Atleast it was a good run, right Magnus?"

------------------

Magnus wakes up
It was as if he had one huge nightmare

(Magnus)-"...Another day... another beginning" *gets up of his old bed*

(Magnus)-"This time, things will be different!" *walks out of the house*

(Magnus)-"It must be..." *climbs the cliff next to his old house*

(Magnus)-"I hope so..." *jumps of the cliff*

-The End-

Name: Magnus Revengeance Magnus
Age: 16-17


Born before the great magic war, with magic overflow sickness.
Darkness first target.
Most powerfull mage, with the "limitless" in his body.


[Clueless until the end]

 

[KDBooks97]

Spoiler: From Chapter 3, Bad Moon Rising, FMC's Diary entry, set in 2014

On this week's episode, College applications! I always saw myself going to some stuck-up, super conservative online Christian college picked out for me by my overbearing yet well-meaning helicopter parents. Now that I was somewhat out on my own, it seemed I had another dilemma; thinking for myself. You see, 18 years of being told how to act and what to do has a rather irritating side effect of not having any fucking clue as to how to function as an adult.

Which led me to the events of last Friday; taking a tour of a local college and feeling like a fish out of water. Among countless crop tops, floral prints and pumpkin spice lattes, my goodwill clothes and pale complexion made me stand out like a turkey in a crowd of peacocks.

All in all, DeLeon County Community College looked like a millennial's wet dream; a bright campus sporting murals of encouragement and well being through scholastic achievement. A smiling woman of Caucasian decent smiled brightly at me from the advertisement in a nearby window, advertising something about financial aid. I assumed said window belonged to the main office or some similar administrative building due to it's creepy attempt at being welcoming.

When I looked into the building I could see a highly irritated young woman with neon cerulean hair having what appeared to be a very animated conversation with an administrator. Suddenly, she stormed towards the door, swinging it wide and narrowly missing taking me out in one fell swoop. I made a garbled sound of alarm that can only be described as similar to a goat being castrated without any sedative.

Upon realizing she had nearly ended my life prematurely, the bespectacled woman stared at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement. "Uh... Sorry, I didn't see you.."

Steeling myself against my social anxiety, I managed a weak smile back. "It's alright, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going, but this seemed like a good place to start."

 

[harrydouthwaite]

Today, I started work on more intensive editing for the first chapter of my youth novel. In doing so I elaborated more on my protagonist's first visit to his new friend's house. It was just over 340 words. Now I've got the entire excerpt to exactly 333 words (according to Scribblehub anyway. I've noticed occasional discrepancies between SH and OpenOffice for word count).

--

Robin chuckled as Timothy firmly gripped his hand and practically dragged him inside his house and led him up the stairs. The layout of the house was similar to his own, but somehow bigger. Instead of just three bedroom doors, there were four. All identically white with two indentation patterns, the lower one was rectangular while the upper pattern had a rounded edge on top. He ran his fingertip along one of the patterns on the nearest door.

“No, not that one! That's David's room. This one is my bedroom.” said Timothy.

Robin grunted and turned his gaze towards Timothy. He then glimpsed the sky-blue colour of the wall inside as Timothy pushed his bedroom door open, with a creak.

Robin followed him inside. He felt his feet touch the soft cream coloured carpet, and a pleasantly clean smell greeted his nostrils. He remembered his old friend's bedroom had smelled just like this. Another smell accompanied it, freshly-washed clothes. He sighed as he felt nostalgic for a moment. When he opened his eyes, Timothy wasn't standing where he had been.

“Timothy?” he called.

“Down here!” came his companion's muffled voice. “I'm trying to get my train set box out!”

Robin gazed downwards and chuckled as all he could see was the seat of Timothy's shorts, and his legs. He heard Timothy grunt as he seemed to struggle underneath his bed, his socks slipped on the carpet as he appeared to try and reach deeper. A soft squeaky rustle immediately intrigued Robin. What was that noise? It made his scalp tingle in that oddly pleasant way. He heard it again as Timothy's socks slipped again on the carpet and his shorts moved with his legs.

“Ah, got it!” came Timothy's muffled voice as he struggled to back out from under his bed.

Robin couldn't take his eyes off of Timothy's shorts as they made those sounds, but then he gazed at the green plastic box his companion had pulled from under his bed, which was filled with wooden track pieces and buildings.