This excerpt contains several issues related to grammar, writing quirks, and overall readability. Here is a detailed analysis:
Grammar and Punctuation:
- Inconsistent Tenses: The passage shifts between past and present tenses. For example, "I put my remaining strength into raising my head" (past) and "I can hear a voice" (present).
- Comma Splices and Run-On Sentences: Many sentences are improperly joined with commas or lack necessary punctuation. For example, "Looking around the class I can see all of my classmates writing something on their notebook" should be "Looking around the class, I see all my classmates writing something in their notebooks."
- Incorrect Use of Quotation Marks: Direct speech should be properly punctuated and enclosed in quotation marks. For instance, "I don’t want to live anymore, I genuinely wanted to die that's why I threw myself off the roof" should be "I don’t want to live anymore. I genuinely wanted to die, which is why I threw myself off the roof."
- Subject-Verb Agreement: Some sentences have incorrect subject-verb agreements. For example, "She looked worried, almost tearing through her glasses" should be "She looked worried, tears almost streaming behind her glasses."
- Misplaced Modifiers: Modifiers should be placed next to the words they modify. For example, "Miss Hiratsuka, she is our…. I forgot what she teaches" should be "Miss Hiratsuka, our teacher…. I forgot what she teaches."
Writing Quirks and Style:
- Repetition: Certain phrases and ideas are repeated unnecessarily, which can be distracting. For instance, "I don’t have the energy to do anything right now" is repeated with different wording multiple times.
- Awkward Phrasing: Some sentences are awkwardly constructed, making them difficult to read. For example, "I can hear other hushed whispers of my classmates in my half-sleep half half-awake state" could be rephrased for clarity.
- Overuse of Ellipses: The frequent use of ellipses (...) can disrupt the flow of the narrative. They should be used sparingly.
- Excessive Details: While detail can enrich a story, too much can overwhelm the reader. For instance, the extensive description of the reincarnation process could be more concise.
- Dialogue Tags and Actions: Combining dialogue with actions can be done more smoothly. For example, "Miss Hiratsuka got closer to me. She looked worried, almost tearing through her glasses" could be "Miss Hiratsuka approached, her eyes filled with worry behind her glasses."
Structural Issues:
- Lack of Paragraph Breaks: Long blocks of text without breaks can be daunting. Breaking them into smaller paragraphs can improve readability.
- Inconsistent Character Reactions: The protagonist's reactions sometimes seem inconsistent with their situation, making it harder to empathize with them.
- Shifts in Point of View: The narrative sometimes shifts in perspective, which can confuse readers. Keeping a consistent point of view is crucial.
Revised Excerpt:
Here is a revised version of the initial part of the passage, focusing on correcting the identified issues:
I am... Wait, what is that?
"sssssssssss" — I hear a voice, but I don't know where it is coming from. Anyway, I am Hika...
"Are you listening?" — Another voice.
"Hikaru" — Yeah, that's my name. Who is calling it? I put my remaining strength into raising my head a little to look around the class. I know I took my medicine today, so why do I hear someone calling my name?
A wave of tiredness washed over me, as it always does when I take my medicine. The doctor keeps prescribing higher dosages as my condition deteriorates. I can’t even keep my eyes open in class. I take all these pills, but they seem to have no effect.
Looking around the class, I see all my classmates writing in their notebooks. I don’t have the energy to do anything. My head fell back on the desk, and I drifted to sleep once again. After what I believe was about five minutes, I felt someone poking me from behind.
"Hikaru!" — I slowly and groggily turned my head toward the person poking me. It was Miss Hiratsuka, our... I forgot what she teaches. It’s not like I am going to pass the class, just like the others.
"Yes," I tried to stand up but only managed to fall on the floor, losing all sensation in my body.
"Hikaru, are you okay? You have been sleeping the whole class." Miss Hiratsuka got closer, her eyes filled with worry behind her glasses.
"No, too sleepy, too much," was all I could say before drifting back to sleep.
"Incredible, not again! This guy is always sleeping in class, using his so-called illness as an excuse. What a clown." I could hear one of my classmates mutter this under their breath. How I was able to hear that in my state is surprising even to me. I could hear other hushed whispers of my classmates in my half-sleep state. I can't help it when this happens. I wanted to attend this class, to live a normal life as a high school boy, not this abomination. Life is just a cruel joke played by the gods upon humans, if they even exist. My only escape right now is death.
“Quiet down, all of you. You've never been to the doctor with him or seen his diagnosis papers.” That voice — it was familiar. I mustered some strength to look in the direction of the voice. It was Hana, my sister. Or cousin? I don’t remember exactly, but she was the closest person I had. Her long, flowing black hair, purple eyes, and silver crop top jacket over a black shirt, blue jeans, and brown boots were unmistakable.
After she spoke, people quieted down, though they still whispered about me. I couldn’t care less. The bell that announced the break woke me up. The effects of the medicine began to wear off, and I needed another dose, or my symptoms would worsen.
This revised excerpt addresses grammar, punctuation, and stylistic issues while improving overall readability and maintaining a coherent narrative flow.
