Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[RepresentingEnvy]

Divine Puppets

Selling your soul may be the price of magic in fairytales, but your free will is much more valuable to the deities of Maharnak. After all, what could be more useful than slaves following your every command? Some people choose to willingly walk this path as one of the Holy...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello! I humbly submit my offerings to the Queen of the Night!

warnings: first work, newbie author. First 7 parts are short snippets/scenes ~500 words to introduce a wide cast. First longer chapter is 2. Afia Hears Something She Shouldn’t Have.

If you only have time to read one chapter, I’d prefer if you read This Cult Lacks a Personality (2) ~500 words or 5. Silnarion Establishes New Leadership ~1000 as I feel like my writing is getting a little better as I progress.

thank you so much in advance!

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

This may very well end up being one of the shortest feedbacks. Mostly because it is so well written. I read the entire first chapter so far, all 7 of "This Cult Lacks Personality". And I have even added it to my reading list.

There are no grammar mistakes or punctuation mistakes that I noticed while reading the whole thing. The only useful criticism I can give for the writing, and the reason why I didn't give 5 is that the paragraphs and dialogue are sometimes too long for a WN format. Other than that, I enjoy your writing a ton!

But one more thing is maybe don't have lore dump chapters, and instead slowly dump the lore in throughout? I understand people not knowing what terms mean might put them off, but I would rather figure it out through the context of the story.

Personal Enjoyment: (5/5)​

There isn't much to say here again, since I enjoyed it. I didn't even realize I was only reading one chapter the whole time. The theme and the characters had me intrigued. This will contradict a bit of what I said before, but that one long monologue with the Magpie radiates some insanity that I just love. It reminds me of Petelguese from Re: Zero. (monologue in part 7)

Again, I have added it to my reading list, and I will be catching up to this story in the meantime. The only thing I will say is I don't look forward to the lore explanations as much. It is my subjective opinion that it isn't good to do this. Instead, you can make a glossary chapter or a wiki for people who want full explanations that go further in depth than the story.

Appeal: (1/5)​

And here we reach the true sad reality that I don't think this appeals to a large audience on SH. Even if I think the writing is good, this is not the type of story that will get popular here. It doesn't have the tags to propel it to trending often, and there are too many terms that most people aren't going to be familiar with.

I am not really sure how to help or give advice in this area, especially since I enjoy your writing. Making it more appealing would most likely detract rather than add.

Conclusion​

I liked the story (read the whole first chapter), and added it to my reading list. I am sorry to say I don't think it has mass appeal, and the only subjective criticism I can give is paragraph sizing, dialogue length, and the lore chapters.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh

​

 

[LowinKeshin]

Shove

 

[AarithResin]

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/891620/my-deity-system/

Looking forward to getting some feedback, thank you.

 

[wannabewriter]

Just starting out but I hope I can get some feedback :)

Customer Service Magic

Welcome to MagicPerformax, your premier destination for hero assistance for over a decade. Our team of highly-trained Hero Care Assistants is at your service 24/7. We’re here to ensure your survival in treacherous dungeons, seal away those pesky demon generals, and of course, rescue the damsels...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Verdante]

Altered Threads of Fate (GL Isekai)

After getting caught up in a Mafia war, Phoenix's best friend, Lilianna, ended up in a coma. For five agonizing years, Phoenix bore the weight of guilt, convinced she had destroyed such a precious soul. One night, after a terrible accident, Phoenix found herself in an unfamiliar realm where she...

www.scribblehub.com

I appreciate the feedback! Thank you so much

 

[MintiLime]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (4/5)​

This may very well end up being one of the shortest feedbacks. Mostly because it is so well written. I read the entire first chapter so far, all 7 of "This Cult Lacks Personality". And I have even added it to my reading list.

There are no grammar mistakes or punctuation mistakes that I noticed while reading the whole thing. The only useful criticism I can give for the writing, and the reason why I didn't give 5 is that the paragraphs and dialogue are sometimes too long for a WN format. Other than that, I enjoy your writing a ton!

But one more thing is maybe don't have lore dump chapters, and instead slowly dump the lore in throughout? I understand people not knowing what terms mean might put them off, but I would rather figure it out through the context of the story.

Personal Enjoyment: (5/5)​

There isn't much to say here again, since I enjoyed it. I didn't even realize I was only reading one chapter the whole time. The theme and the characters had me intrigued. This will contradict a bit of what I said before, but that one long monologue with the Magpie radiates some insanity that I just love. It reminds me of Petelguese from Re: Zero. (monologue in part 7)

Again, I have added it to my reading list, and I will be catching up to this story in the meantime. The only thing I will say is I don't look forward to the lore explanations as much. It is my subjective opinion that it isn't good to do this. Instead, you can make a glossary chapter or a wiki for people who want full explanations that go further in depth than the story.

Appeal: (1/5)​

And here we reach the true sad reality that I don't think this appeals to a large audience on SH. Even if I think the writing is good, this is not the type of story that will get popular here. It doesn't have the tags to propel it to trending often, and there are too many terms that most people aren't going to be familiar with.

I am not really sure how to help or give advice in this area, especially since I enjoy your writing. Making it more appealing would most likely detract rather than add.

Conclusion​

I liked the story (read the whole first chapter), and added it to my reading list. I am sorry to say I don't think it has mass appeal, and the only subjective criticism I can give is paragraph sizing, dialogue length, and the lore chapters.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh

​

Thank you so much!!! I’m thrilled that you like it

Kinda suspected the appeal thing. If you do end up reading more, please comment any issues that arise with pacing, pov, anything like that - I am trying to actively encourage constructive criticism in the comment section so that I may gain material for a rewrite someday

 

[TsumiHokiro]

Would you be so kind, when you have time, to review my novel? It can be on the thread.
The link follows: link to novel.

 

[TotallyHuman]

Can you review 1st chapter of the novel I am currently writing? Not published yet

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hello, Hope you're having a good day.
This is my first work that I'm taking seriously, so I would prefer brutal honesty and criticism.
Rise of the Ascended Warrior

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (1/5)​

There is not much problems with your grammar besides some tense errors, but your punctuation is not good. You are addicted to odd punctuations, especially semi-colons.

Zalanderi’s arrival to the town wasn’t grandiose nor prestigious; rather, it raised the worries of the local townsmen, as they had become concerned, secretly talking to each other:

“Since you’re a legendary warrior; we want you to teach us how to fight.”

“Don’t worry about the money for we have funds to pay you; even if for little guidance.”

Avonso replied; partially puffing his chest.

I don't know if you are a programmer, but a chapter is not a code. I love semi-colons too, but this is not the way you are supposed to use them. There is also this:

signs – which

It feels like you are trying to fit the most unique punctuation marks into this chapter. Not only that, but this whole chapter is verbose and overly long. Use more concision in your writing. Of course, this is my subjective opinion, but I also don't know if you will release another chapter again given your activity.

Personal Enjoyment: (1/5)​

I am very biased, but I do not enjoy the setting or the way the story is written.

"Destiny lies a head,

There is a glaring mistake in the third and fourth word. It is supposed to be one word "ahead", unless you are trying to create a profound meaning that I do not understand? This is very important as it pops out of the page given the fact it is centered and in quotations.

I will be upfront, and say that this was too long of a chapter for me to finish with the way it is written. My mind cannot get over the punctuation, and I am sorry for that.

Appeal: (1/5)​

This story does not have much appeal. So many things could be cut out to make the chapter less wordy. But I also do not think that this type of story will appeal to a large reader base in general. The writing is not horrible outside of the punctuation, but it is not targeted towards the SH reader base.

Conclusion​

I don't know if you are still a SH user, but if you fix the punctuation I will re-read. Also chop out about half of the words at the same time, and get rid of trying to be fancy with marks. For most purposes a simple period and commas will suffice; however, there are some instances where a semi-colon may be used.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[ShyIsekai]

Hi Envy, love your review style and would love your thoughts on our tale. We're writing a slower burning tale in our genres and especially trying to make sure we nail down finding the right audience.

I’m Too Shy to Be a Succubus In Another World

A shy girl is sent to an RPG world as a demon class that feeds on the erotic energy of others to grow more powerful... A slow burn tale filled with fun erotic adventures, told from the perspective of a young woman exploring her sexuality. STORY The fatally shy Lily...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Eelphen]

I'd love to get some feedback on my story. Do not hesitate to be brutaly honest.

Empire: playing dice

'Gods are playing dice with our lives. Never forget that.' In a realm where power and politics weave an intricate tapestry, Lord Arlo and Princess Laa, aided by their unwavering companions, Yew and Dan, become embroiled in the enigmatic web of imperial intrigue. As they embark on a perilous...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 133647]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

​

But I’m straight though-?

A (low-key) depressed girl, unaware of her effect on women. (Simplifying my writing because im too used to writing fluff because of school lol so dont come after me. Updates whenever)

www.scribblehub.com

give to me straight doc

 

[John_Owl]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

I will offer up my story, DragonBound. Link is right there, in my sig. Just click the left most coverart. I will request that you skip the prologue, as it's not edited properly (I just recently got an editor I can afford). I had him run chapter 1 just for you, so that's the only one that's actually ready for proper critique.

And fair warning, it *IS* a smut novel, however there is no smut in chapters that don't list disclaim it with an (NSFW) tag. so avoid those if you don't want to read it. All smut scenes are between adults of consenting age (18+)

also, in thread is fine.

 

[WaterFish]

Talentless Hero: The Chosen Hero Is Unqualified

Lex had become the Chosen Hero. However, he didn’t gain any talents or blessings. Instead, he mocked by his peers. No way such a person was a ‘Hero’ like his Job had stated. Job Class: ‘Hero’. Stigmata Gifts: None. Innate Gift: ‘Empty’. Future: Worse than even an F Rank....

www.scribblehub.com

Thought about getting in on the action. It’s right now just a 22 chapter (including Prologue) story about Heroes and whatnot.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Be as blunt as you want, I'd like to publish one day. My book is called MARS.

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

I don't like the writing for several reasons, but I will give you 2 because I don't really notice many grammar mistakes.

Firstly, I am extremely biased against first person present tense, and I don't know why you started the first chapter with third person, only to go into first person present. That was a bit of a jarring experience.

I need to put something very important here for you! Change the indentation on the interlude chapter to match the first chapter. Why did the formatting switch all of a sudden? While I am on the interlude, I really think it should be a prelude. An interlude is not what starts off a story. An interlude happens between blocks of story.

While I am on the interlude x2 I thought it was more well written than the first chapter, even if it was only exposition. The first chapter did not serve to hook.

Personal Enjoyment: (1/5)​

I don't like it. It's not to my tastes, and I don't enjoy the writing of the first chapter.

There is a whole lot of meaningless stuff that could be cut out. On that topic, stop using giant brand names inside of your story if you want to get published. It is really unwise. Invent your own cartoon, or make a reference to it. You can simply say that the little girl was watching "a popular tv show with a yellow sponge."

Outside of possible hell of being copyright claimed, the first chapter bored me, and I didn't read past the first break. It felt too exposition dumpy and long winded while at the same time nothing was happening, aside from some calls and hanging out with the daughter. I did skim ahead, but I didn't read the sex scene. So I can't comment on that.

Appeal: (1/5)​

This story does not appeal to a large audience on SH or as a webnovel in general. It is very windy, but also doesn't fit the mold of the SH reader base. I should have talked about this before, but start the first chapter a different way. Have him at the club or something. Basically, have something more exciting happen. You could even be bold, and start with a sex scene. Just do not start with this very slow opener of calls at his house.

Conclusion​

The story is not my cup of tea, but I also find it to be boring exposition wise. Change the interlude to a prelude, and match the formatting of the first chapter without indentation.

This story doesn't appeal to a large reader base, and the best way to change that is cutting a lot out. Take out the brand names, and start with a more interesting introduction.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[Sleds]

@RepresentingEnvy It's soon my turn

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Reborn as a Goat [ A Progression Litrpg ]

Sakai Yuji had always aspired to control his own destiny and write his own story. One day, he found himself transported to a new world, one in which magic and cultivators were very real. Upon discovering that beast could speak, humans could fly, and immortals could live forever, Sakai Yuji...

www.scribblehub.com

Please review this book. You can just post on the thread.

You deleted your chapters.

@RepresentingEnvy It's soon my turn

It is your turn now lmao

 

[Shrimp_eater]

Its my first attempt at seriously writing a story so i'd appreciate some feedback. I don't mind if its biased, prefer it in fact. Posting impressions on the thread is fine with me.

Cry of the Witches

Long ago, the world was overrun by demons and magic. From the ashes, adapting, using the very things that once ruined it, an unbalanced and flawed society was built. At its center were the witches, women able to wield otherworldly powers. Witches use their abilities and knowledge to serve the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Azure_Fog]

It's soon my turn

And I’m 21st in line…

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

I'm kinda curious having a feedback from you since I see you a lot in the forum. Here my story if you still give feedback : https://www.scribblehub.com/series/815788/crystal-evolution/

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (3/5)​

There are some grammatical mistakes here, and a few things I have to complain about. But I do like many things about your writing. It's easy to follow, and I can tell you put a bunch of work into it. That being said there are many grammatical errors, and a few format errors. Not to mention, that there are exposition dumps a few times in quotes.

leaving them no respite and making them feel a sense of despair every second that they struggling (struggled) to survive. This is an incorrect usage of tense.

"Sigh, this will never end..." I do not like things like this. It makes him seem like he is literally saying "sigh", rather than sighing. It would be better to put something like: He sighed, "this will never end." Or even: "This will never end," he said, sighing. There is another example in the chapter as well. "Sigh, it's been six months since these nightmares started, and I still don't understand it." It would even be acceptable to put *sigh* instead if you want to use this format. The asterisk are important to show he is sighing, and not saying "sigh".

Another thing to complain about is repetitive language: beasts, different species, etc. Those things are repeated a lot.

Now is for the format errors: "You should avoid wasting so much crystal essence for such weak crystal beasts." said the young man. "If the worst happens, I will die fighting." said the young woman with a firm tone. Both of these are bad examples of dialogue tags. "You should avoid wasting so much crystal essence for such weak crystal beasts," the young man said (or said the young man, but with a comma not a period). The same thing applies for the second quote (," said the young woman or ,"the young woman said).

Personal Enjoyment : (3/5)​

I wanted to give 4 because I actually enjoyed it, despite the many errors, but I cannot in good faith due to the few exposition dumpy quotes. I am just going to post three of them in this section.

"Still, even with the power I have in this dream that can kill thousands of crystal beasts just by waving my hand, I can't do anything against this dragon that always appears as a divine existence. Does such a monster really exist in this world...?"

"Not to mention this woman... Her face is blurry. I can't even make out the slightest detail about her, but every time I see her in my nightmares, my heart can't calm down, and every time the claw of the dragon pierces her, my heart tightens as if it will break into pieces."

"After several years of negotiations, the peace treaty between the Aegis Alliance and the Elves of Loania is about to be signed. Agreements allowing exchanges between the two species will be put in place in the following month..."

This is too much. You are giving the reader way too much information in these passages. The third one, for example, can just happen naturally in the story without appearing on the TV.

Appeal: (2/5)​

This has decent appeal to the SH audience, and the results already show that. Though the first chapter is a bit wordy to hook in more readers in my opinion. You can give the exact same story in the first chapter with no different meaning in way less words. What I mean to say is "concision". Cut many of the exposition dumps, and extra words that aren't necessary.

Conclusion​

Pretty solid writing even with the grammar errors. It's an interesting premise too, but you have to fix the exposition dumps, repeated words, and format errors.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​