Envy's Free Feedback Thread [Thread Closed]

[AdOtherwise]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

Lowly Ascent

Within a desolate realm, where discarded worlds were stitched together, a rupture tore open, releasing a small child into this fragmented expanse. Above him, the sky revealed three eerie moons, while an ominous black mass loomed ominously in their wake. Disoriented and engulfed by a putrid...

www.scribblehub.com

Tell me whatcha think

 

[Para23]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

I was wondering if my first chapter was any good, since it’s my first shot at a mystery.
And also, on thread please!

Scripted Fate

The off rhythm tick of a clock, and the acidic smell of blood. A lifeless body, and a letter, blood seeping into the floor of an inn I had no memory of. And a revolver, clutched in my own hand. In an age of churning gears and steam engines that...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[CrimsonGenius]

Power of the Elements: Recharge

Jake Ishida expected ordinary days when he moved to a new city. He did not expect the mysterious warrior, Pilot, to give him a strange crystal. The crystal transforms him into the Fire Radiant, a warrior of order. Now, he must learn how to utilize his new powers to fight...

www.scribblehub.com

Rate it in this thread.

 

[Kamelingil]

Recommending

LEGENDARY: The Omnipotence

(This novel is currently under rewrite) Infinite stories unfolds as the creation of the Fiction Verse and evolves into something revolutionary. This series is an All-in-one Genre, everything can happen, even the things you've dreamed of, even the stories that never existed before, it will...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Jaymi]

I'd love some feedback if ur down. i don't mind whether it's here or in the PM's.

Girlguide: A Girl’s Guide To Writing Female Characters!

Kai, an aspiring light novel author, has always had his path to success hindered by his inability to write female characters. However, everything changes when he wakes up one day as a young girl. This change becomes his chance to gain a deeper understanding of women, hoping to take his...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[MisterEnigmatic]

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (1/5)​

I read through the prologue and chapter 1. Your prologue is completely unnecessary. It is just the MC introducing himself, and it doesn't actually add anything to the story. I do not like the first chapter either. The first four people that get introduced aside from the MC are all similar, and I cannot tell who is talking for the most part. The dialogue tags and action tags are off. They should be after someone is speaking (usually). Example: "I am tired," bob said.

There are also many spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes. "No. I'm skiving." (Skipping)
"Ah, man." , I grumble, "I took too long to leave." ("Ah, man," I grumble. "I took too long to leave.") -Even that version reads weird. That brings me to the next point. You are trying to use too many different words for your dialogue tags when you actually use them. Muttering darkly to myself... How does someone mutter darkly to themselves?

The writing is very basic, and there is no nuance. The way you introduce the characters is frankly not great, and the MCs internal monologue is also uninspired.

"And your kouhai has already planned to have to talk with you once you get home." , Akai adds.

Riveting. He could have said nothing here and that would even be better than "riveting".

Personal Enjoyment: (1/5) ​

The story itself makes no sense. Things are just randomly happening to him. It doesn't feel like there is even a goal of this first chapter, and he is randomly good at fighting? Why? Why are people robbing him randomly? Then he goes home and lays on his bed to sulk and call his dad. His actions do not make any sense to me. Neither do the actions of other characters. His dad had the shortest amount of time in the chapter, and he was the character I liked the most. He actually gave the MC good advice.

That being said, what was the point of anything? We move from one thing to the next, and nothing gets explored. Why does the MC not turn the people in? Also, the fight literally ends with *Whack* and *Wham*. It is far too rushed.

Appeal: (2/5)​

This story has very little appeal on the platform. It isn't because the genres or tags. This is a rare case where the writing is hurting the story a lot from gaining appeal. The prologue could be cut entirely. The first chapter alone will make many readers drop it. The only reason I am giving you 2 is that it has many of the tags that could propel it with better writing, and the name of the story is admittedly great! However, the story itself doesn't scream enigmatic too me.

Conclusion​

There are far too many spelling, grammar, and punctuation mistakes to enjoy the writing. I do not like the prose, and the story itself has no tangible direction. The prologue could be cut. It would not change anything. Please let me know if you have any questions, or if you disagree with any of my feedback.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for the feedback. I really do appreciate your critiques and criticisms. I admit that I didn't really think too much about the first chapter, and just wanted to put something out there to get things going, so it ended up being rather sloppy as a result.

Also, I probably should've clarified this in the chapter, but 'skiving' is UK slang for ditching class or work, sorry for the confusion.

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Sorry for the late reply, but thank you for the feedback. I really do appreciate your critiques and criticisms. I admit that I didn't really think too much about the first chapter, and just wanted to put something out there to get things going, so it ended up being rather sloppy as a result.

Also, I probably should've clarified this in the chapter, but 'skiving' is UK slang for ditching class or work, sorry for the confusion.

Oh! I didn't know that! Thanks for the information!

 

[Ahrihn]

Hi! Asking for feedback~~
In thread is fine! Dissection, destruction and mutilation of my self-esteem is also fine!
Btw, everything is intended to be a oneshot and left open-ended, so yeah hope that's not a turn-down...
Thanks!

Collection of Tragedies

A collection of short tales and stories. Because most people don't get happiness in life.

www.scribblehub.com

 

[FIAMMA01]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

Here's an action fantasy story - Kinshura - Scribblehub. Its about a unique race of isolated people beginning to interact with the world around them. It's not a LitRPG and also not a self-insert kind of story. There's a heavy focus on combat and adventure with worldbuilding mixed in thereas well. I'd appreciate any form of feedback. You can post it here.

 

[Darkodia]

Can you review mine: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/879300/sanctuary-compromised-a-zombie-apocalypse-tale/. Thanks.

 

[KDBooks97]

Hello! I don't know if you're still doing these, but if you are and would like to, you're welcome to come read my story. I will warn you, it does contain themes of self harm, generational and religious traumas. It does NOT contain any of your stated icks, though, so no worries there.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

www.scribblehub.com

Hello! I don't know if you're still doing these, but if you are and would like to, you're welcome to come read my story. I will warn you, it does contain themes of self harm, generational and religious traumas. It does NOT contain any of your stated icks, though, so no worries there.

The Miserably Macabre Tales of Luna Samuels

'My name is Faith Elizabeth Samuels. Well, it used to be, before I left my fundamentalist helicopter parents and started going by Luna... My counselor tells me writing will help me to 'heal'. Somehow, writing my feelings of depression, anxiety, self harm and suicidal thoughts will negate a...

www.scribblehub.com

I also recommend reading the prologue instead of the first chapter i you decide to read just one part, but your welcome to read however you like. And you can post feedback (if you decide you'd like to read Luna's story) Here in thread if you like.

 

[Azure_Fog]

Welcome to the resident vampire's feedback thread ​

RepresentingEnvy here to give all of the mortals feedback on their novels. If you have stumbled across a feedback thread before, then you should understand. Still, I am here to give you the obligatory explanation. I will provide feedback on the first chapter of your novel, and if I enjoy it I might read further. Keep in mind that this will all be my subjective opinion as a reader first.

Disclaimer​

I am not a professional Reviewer/author. All of this will be my own subjective opinion. If you don't agree with my review/rating, you are free to dismiss it entirely. I am just a biased vampy.

Rules​

1. I will provide feedback on at least the first chapter of your novel.​
2. You will put the link to the novel you want reviewed.​
3. You will tell me if you want the review in the thread or in a PM (If neither is specified the review will go in thread).​
4. Stories I won't read: Mind break, Mind Control, R*pe (Basically anything that doesn't involve consent in sexual acts. PS: This includes the sexualization of lolis.)​
5. The first score provided will be writing enjoyment (how much I enjoy your prose/style) on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Writing Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
6. The second score will be how much I personally enjoyed the story. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Personal Enjoyment: (Max Score)​
7. The last rating will be how much I think your story will appeal to a general audience. This will be on a scale of 1/5 . Example: Appeal: (Max Score)​

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
Be patient if you want feedback.
Don't take my review as gospel.
​

I started writing a novel around 1 month ago, here’s the link: https://www.scribblehub.com/series/857739/diary-of-an-adventuring-vampire/
(also mc is a vampire :D) A response in the thread is fine, and all feedback is appreciated.

 

[nii07]

Do you mind checking out two of mine?

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843745/my-goddess-mother-gave-me-a-system-and-kicked-me-out/

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/843715/bleach-gazing-mirage/

 

[Dredd_Sama]

Beyond the Rift
Please give feedback here.
This is my first time writing something like this ... but i am proud of what i have in mind for the future of this story .. hope it reaches that point

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

Hello, since I have been dipping my toes into feeback threats I would like to try. You can post into the threat.

Ninetails

Preface
I am not a professional reviewer/author, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.
Writing Enjoyment: (2/5)​

Your writing is hard to understand. First of all there is a problem of formatting, especially in the prologue. It is formatted terribly. Some of the paragraphs are spaced, while others are not. Fix the formatting of the prologue, and a few of the paragraphs in the first chapter. Every paragraph should be spaced.

Now, onto the actual writing portion. I don't find it intriguing when I do understand what is going on. Many words are repeated throughout. Just to point out one example: "You are not ready!" He shouted, and it seemed his civilization seemed to completely desert him. In this single sentence you are repeating 'seemed' in the exact same format.

The writing is suffering from other problems too; such as tense errors (not many but they are noticeable), punctuation, and even sentence fragments that don't make sense. Example: She pointed out the obvious, and he gave her along. Very long. Look. Another problem with these sentences other than the two fragments, they are boring and not inspiring. What does it mean to give someone a long look? That is simply staring at someone. Which would probably be a better way to write this as well. She pointed out the obvious, and he stared at her. Sure, it is not dazzling, but it is more concise, sounding better in my opinion.

Personal Enjoyment: (1/5)​

There are too many flaws in the writing for me to enjoy it, and I don't really understand much of the dialogue.

In the prologue the girl he finds has this to say: "Because of you. You came hunting our skulk. The strong of us left the weak ones behind..." I am not quoting the whole dialogue, but there are a lot of contradictions and too much exposition for my liking. The prologue hardly even reads like a prologue as well.

More reason for me not to enjoy it is him talking in English, but having the dialogue tag saying "he said in Spanish". It reads weird to me; instead you can simply have the dialogue in Spanish. Put a footnote denoting what it says in English if you want, or find a different way to say it.

Your biggest problem is probably dialogue. "No worries. I mean no bad." This single dialogue made me want to stop reading. A better way to say the same thing is "Don't worry, I mean no harm."

Appeal: (2/5)​

There isn't much appealing about this story for a large audience. Perhaps the only thing is that there are kitsune/foxkin. People gravitate to those types of novels, but you really need to fix the formatting. Many won't finish the prologue simply because of the paragraph formatting.

Not much else to say here. It's not my cup of tea, and I don't think this will garner a large audience without fixing the formatting. Not just that, but making the dialogue more intriguing, fixing some of the grammar mistakes, etc.

Conclusion​

Please fix the formatting (especially in the prologue). It is hurting your story. Other than that, there are a slew of other issues that I have harped on over and over: tense, punctuation, dialogue, etc.

Bleh-Bleh, Bleh
​

 

[ile_Eve]

As a fellow vampire, I think it'd be entertaining to have our story reviewed.
Even though it's been on a hiatus because of my co-author...

My Bad Co-Author Ruins the Story

An unknown girl was accepted into the academy of her dreams. Except, the academy seemed quite strange. And, why does everyone seem like they understand what's going on? What are 'Gifts'? What's up with these courses? Why does everyone know each other? Did I miss something in the school's...

www.scribblehub.com

-Eve

 

[OyoJan]

Well, here's my story!

Divinians | Scribble Hub

 

[NoppaiCanno]

I offer thee a sacrifice

Cohabitation Schizophrenia

For Evin, the Voice inside his head was always something to be despised. Because of it, he is shunned by all, even his own family. His mother had left him, leaving him behind with a father who is beyond done with the mentally-ill child under his care. Yet still, the...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[RepresentingEnvy]

You forgot about mine, madam. I desperately need the feedback, since the few readers I have won't even comment.

I didn't forget. I am just behind. That feedback was on page four of this thread.

 

[Anon2024]

Push